Newbie, need help with WAW! (Thread 2)

[180Man]

W replied to my apology email finally:

H,

I'm sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to your email. I've done a lot of thinking since you sent it to me. I am extremely grateful that you are still willing to listen and are trying to be considerate of my feelings, even with everything that's happened between us. I appreciate that you've listened to my concerns and have put a lot of thought into your responses.

The sad truth, though, is that I think we're past the point of recovery for our marriage. I DO think that we can continue to grow and become better people for those individuals who will enter our lives from this point on. I do still care about you and want you to be as happy as possible in the future.

I'm writing to let you know that I've filed divorce paperwork. I'm having it mailed to the house for you to review this week. I didn't want you to just get a surprise package in the mail and wonder why I didn't even bother to tell you it was coming. I'm gone a LOT in the next couple of months for work, so this was - unfortunately - the only real option I have. I also can't give the paperwork to you myself, supposedly.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear right now. I know that you were hoping that we could continue to work through things, but I do sincerely believe this is the best way forward for both of us.

I hope you are doing well. At some point, we're going to have to work out how to divide things. I've been continuing to pay the mortgage, even though I haven't lived there for over 4 months. At some point, I'm going to have to stop paying so I can move on to whatever's next for me. We can talk more about a plan for what we want to do with our assets. Again, I wish we didn't have to do this over email, but my time in town is getting pretty limited due to work.

Talk soon. Hope everything is ok.

-W

Well, it has only been 3.5 months since I kicked her out and two months since BD. I had asked her to come home within a week of that but she said it didn't feel like the right time. There are no assets to divide besides the house. She can have everything in it as far as I'm concerned, I don't want anything that reminds me of her or us.

What do I do now?? I have a DB coach session later today but I also want feedback from you guys. I feel like I'm doing all the right DBing stuff and I'm just hitting a brick wall with her.

[LITB]

You are still early on in your sitch. Continue to DB and work on yourself. It didn't take you 3.5 months to get to this point. It took a long time.

It will take you awhile to turn this thing around. Be grateful for the response and don't look at it as a brick wall that is stopping you. Just a brick wall that you need to get over or around. It will take tools and work.

[180Man]

LITB, thanks for the reply. I was actually in the middle of reading your thread when this email came in. I was pretty impressed with how cool and collected you have been with handling it.

The problem is that she will be gone a lot between now and summer for work. And then she will be gone for up to eight months starting in the summer. At the end of that period it is highly likely she doesn't move back to this city but that she moves somewhere else far away.

So I have email contact with her. That's about it. I have not snooped on her phone, but it appears in the last month she pretty much stopped using it. It's extremely likely she has a new number. I'm not sure why that was necessary, I haven't called or texted her since BD two months ago.

Do I respond to her email? How? What do you say to an email like that?

What do I do with the divorce paperwork in the mail? It's very presumptuous of her to assume I would accept being served via mail. In my state that's something I have to agree to.

She's just done, it feels hopeless.

[MoveFrwd]

The problem is that she will be gone a lot between now and summer for work. And then she will be gone for up to eight months starting in the summer. At the end of that period it is highly likely she doesn't move back to this city but that she moves somewhere else far away.

Sounds like your fear talking. Just as many people say that shes too close and wont be able to miss you.

Do I respond to her email? How? What do you say to an email like that?

I dont see a need to.

What do I do with the divorce paperwork in the mail?

Look at it with your lawyer?

[180Man]

Sounds like your fear talking. Just as many people say that shes too close and wont be able to miss you

Do I respond to her email? How? What do you say to an email like that?

I dont see a need to.

I don't fear talking to her, but if I were to ask her to sit down with me she would likely just want to talk about the logistics of splitting things up. My best friend says "okay, probably...but just talk to her, she's your wife, talk to her like you're having coffee with your wife." Yeah...ok...what does that mean?

I'm confused by your response because you ask if I'm fearful of talking with her but responding to her email is the only way I'm going to have any communication with her. She would probably agree to coffee if I asked.

[LITB]

There is really nothing to talk to her about. You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into. It takes actions.

Don't concern yourself whether she can directly she your changes. She will find out about them one way or another. You just need to get there.

For now, get your hands on the paperwork and take it to your consultation with your attorney. I don't know how deep into my sitch you have read, but it got pretty ugly in the legal arena. The only way to get to the other side of this hell, is through it.

[MoveFrwd]

Sounds like your fear talking. Just as many people say that shes too close and wont be able to miss you.

I don't fear talking to her

I didnt mean to imply that you fear talking to you. I meant that the words you wrote about her being gone are being voiced by your fears. You are afraid that of her busy schedule and potential move being the end of any chance she has to turning back around.

My point is that you cant possibly know that. If you calm your fears, then you can focus on whats really important instead of what she is doing.

I'm confused by your response because you ask if I'm fearful of talking with her but responding to her email is the only way I'm going to have any communication with her. She would probably agree to coffee if I asked.

I dont see any benefit in responding to that email. Nor do I see benefit in asking her to coffee.

[MoveFrwd]

that you fear talking to **her**

[180Man]

This is good advice and I hesitate to say "but"....but....she is quite effectively cut off from me aside from direct emails between us. Any mutual friends we had she is not talking to. I have not been talking to her family as part of my DB, so she won't be hearing/seeing my changes or actions via them, either. I'm sure MIL would be happy to hear from me from time to time, but aside from asking for computer help earlier in the week MIL has been giving me my space.

I think I was on page three when I became distracted by my W's email this morning. From what I have had time to read so far, my W is much like yours when it comes to making decisions and sticking with them.

[180Man]

Kaizen,

You snuck in a reply while I was responding to LITB. Ok, that makes more sense now. Yes, I am fearful that her busy schedule and potential move will eliminate any possible future. She will want to have mediation complete before she leaves for her long work trip this summer. And I feel that once she is done with that and ends up moving, that will really be the end of it.

I can see myself a year from now showing up on her doorstep only to find she has moved on and is over me.

So, yes, there is fear of that. I am also having trouble living in our house alone. I don't think I can do it much longer. We have so many memories there, it's very painful to be there.

I wish I was handling this better or that I was as strong as you guys.