Newbie, need help with WAW! (Thread 2)

[KevinIn]

That's a tough one. Personally, I'd talk to my DB Coach

I think you are right that she filed if you got that unsolicited mail. She's probably in another place mentally and no amount of coffee dates will change her mind. I'd likely just ignore the piece of mail and stay dark.

Just keep planning with your lawyer to respond once you get served. Sorry you got that mail - i have no doubt it was painful.

[Dawgs]

Or do I ask her for another coffee meeting and give her another glimpse at how I'm changing, try to open up during conversation and hope she opens up too?

No, do not offer - your thoughts are you are trying to show her how you are changing? Not a good idea. Just let it go as it is, and if you don't have a lawyer, get one.

[MoveFrwd]

Wednesday she filed but didn't tell me.

So...then I find out two weeks later from a third party company that she filed paperwork?

Maybe Im misunderstanding. You said she filed. That wouldnt surprise me then that you got mail about it. Im not sure what you are differentiating between "filed" and "filed paperwork".

In our state I have to be served before the court will touch it and I have 30 days to respond once served. Then I guess it's 6 months until it can be finalized.

In my opinion, that timeline doesnt matter. What difference will it make to your life right now if you are 'DIVORCED'? You have the rest of your life to have a chance to rekindle your relationship. I would take your focus off of this timeline.

If she was affected at all by my apology letter, a good meeting could fan the coals a little bit, right? If she was unaffected, I assume she would arrive expecting to talk about mediation.

This is why I dont think that the apology letter was a great idea right now. You continue to say that you 'have no expectations', and you 'did it for you', and so on. But you also are commenting on how it might have 'affected' her. To me, this indicates that you are looking for some action or response from the letter. If the letter was truly for you, then let it go - theres no need to bring it up anymore.

[LITB]

Let go of the expectations of the apology letter. It was too soon for it to have any affect. She has her walls up on any of your changes. It isn't a make or break thing. No big deal. Keep moving.

You have to operate with the information that you know to be fact. She is moving in the direction towards D. You can't trust her right now. She is on the opposite team, so you can't expect her to let you know what she is up to.

I don't recall if you have met with an attorney. If not, I would highly recommend that you have a consultation at the very least. Knowing exactly what you are up against will be very helpful to you. Of course, you don't let her know this.

Now is not the time to have coffee with her. Now is the time to move in the opposite direction. Limit your contact with her and continue to focus on yourself. She knows where you stand and how to get a hold of you.

[180Man]

Ok. Let go of the letter. I got it. To the extent of who contacts who at this point, I feel the ball is in her court though, right?

I will meet with a lawyer for a consultation. I've read a good amount online and have a general idea of what to expect, but it will be smart to meet with a lawyer, you guys are right.

I just have this underlying feeling that if we sat down together I could talk some sense into her. We rarely had big fights, but on the couple of occasions that we did I would let her cool down for a little and then go sit with her and put my arm around her and talk through it with her. It feels like the more and more time she spends at work and the less and less she is seeing me, the dog, the house, etc, the easier it is for her to just forget any of this ever happened. This current job position she is in is like a drug for her. Seriously. She has like 60 people working for her and nobody to tell her she's wrong. They jump when she says jump, they all think she's the life of the party, the really cool boss, she feeds on it. I don't think she will really feel this divorce until she is out of that job. She will be forced to move to another job in about 6 - 12 months which will most likely be much less demanding and have quite a bit of down time.

sigh. I'm going to be super late for work now. Thanks for your help guys.

[leahsue]

180man,
Just a quick thought on your paragraph about how you used to be able to sit down, put your arm around her, etc.
Those days are over. She is not the same person you could talk off a ledge. That power is no longer yours. Whatever happens on her job is also off your plate now. That whole paragraph was about her. What about YOU? GAL, forget about her, at least for now. It's out of your control. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's just how these things play out.

[MoveFrwd]

I just have this underlying feeling that if we sat down together I could talk some sense into her.

'Talk some sense into her' sounds a lot like 'convince her that she's wrong and Im right'. Doesnt sound particularly validating to me.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is become a man only a fool would want to leave. Theres nothing you can do if she is truly a fool.

[KevinIn]

Leahsue and kaizen said it better than i could. So, my comment is "what they said". Re-read theirs and take them to heart.

[180Man]

Those days are over. She is not the same person you could talk off a ledge. That power is no longer yours. Whatever happens on her job is also off your plate now.

Okay. I guess you're right. I need to hear this, thank you.

That whole paragraph was about her. What about YOU? GAL, forget about her, at least for now. It's out of your control. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's just how these things play out.

I know. You're right. I have been trying to GAL very much so. Some days are easier than others. I am trying to figure out what I should do with the house. Half of me says rent it, the other half says sell it. IDK. What I do know is that I can't live there much longer, the memories are too painful.

I have been seriously considering buying an RV and living in that for the next year or so. I know the dog wouldn't necessarily be thrilled about it, but I just don't see myself renting a house right now, especially since I may end up transferring to somewhere else in the next year or two anyways.

'Talk some sense into her' sounds a lot like 'convince her that she's wrong and Im right'. Doesnt sound particularly validating to me.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is become a man only a fool would want to leave. Theres nothing you can do if she is truly a fool.

I see how it would be interpreted that way. I think leahsue expressed what I was thinking: talking her off the ledge. It's not a wrong/right thing for me. I don't want a divorce, she's my soulmate and I know we can work things out given the opportunity. Especially after reading about some of the insane stuff people here have successfully dealt with, our stuff is certainly nothing that can't be worked through. But it takes two for this, I know.

I don't think she's a fool, but she's definitely acting like one right now. My mention of her job situation was simply to point out that she likely won't stop acting a fool until this current assignment is in the rear view and she has some real quality time with herself. Nothing I can change or am trying to change, just my observation.

I will follow your advice and do my best to become that man. I almost wish there was a physical support group here for all of us to attend together. This is a very sad and lonely path for me.

[180Man]

Instead of going to the gym today I went to yoga with a buddy of mine who had invited me. Wow. I've been sweating pretty good at the gym, but damn! He's leaving town next week so if I keep going I guess I'll have to do it on my own. I think that will be good for me, though -- I'm a pretty good type A at work, but once I get home it takes work for me to want to go out. This is something I know I need to work on. I'm thinking maybe go once a week. Wednesday is normally leg day for me and I know everyone says don't skip leg day, but I think I can safely move it to Tuesday or something.

Pastor emailed me back today. He has the stomach flu so we're going to meet Monday instead of trying for this week. I am looking forward to talking with him. We sent several emails back and forth today just figuring out a date/time but at the end he said "There is hope my friend." Half of me feels optimistic when reading this, the other half of me realizes he has no idea what I'm coming in to talk about other than "marriage issues." I feel like once I explain it all he's going to change his tune. I am going there for me and I really feel like I need some guidance in this side of my life, both with and without respect to my marriage. I needed guidance before any of this happened...I had been reading and reading for several years trying to find something that clicked with me and my W was very supportive of this search even though she already had her own relationship and foundation with God. I regret that my life had to come to this for me to really start to find my way. At times I feel like Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump when they're out to sea.

Applied for a tremendous job opportunity today. Finally finished all the requirements for it. Mailed it off. We'll see what happens. I would be moving across the country in six months or so if I got accepted.

Getting closer to finishing cleaning the kitchen out. I've been taking everything out the drawers, putting anything of hers or anything that reminds me of her into boxes, cleaning everything, and putting the rest back. It's very hard. I could only do it for about an hour today. It's extremely depressing. It's even harder when it's just me. Not a lot of people in town here for me to ask for help or to spend time with otherwise.

The dog is on my mind a good amount. I feel I'm not doing enough for her. She needs more walks, more time at the dog park, etc. I think about leaving this house and moving into an RV and I worry about bringing her into that type of living environment. What may feel like a healthy idea for me would be the opposite for her. Right now she has a dog door and a yard to hang out in. If I escape to an RV and simplify my life for a little while I feel it would be good for me, but I worry about her.

It's upsetting to think that my W isn't worrying about her, doesn't miss her, or doesn't care about her anymore. She can rewrite history or even dwell on valid issues in which I wronged her...but that dog never did anything but love on her (and sometimes get sand in our bed ...) I miss my W. There's not much else I need to say about it. I pray that one day we'll be unpacking some of these boxes together, but I know right now this is what I need to do to keep myself sane. But it still hurts and I miss her dearly. I just need to keep trying to focus on me and keep praying, that's all I can do.

Thanks for everyone's support here. Night.