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You said this:

Originally Posted By: 180Man
I have told you that I love and respect you, but I have not shown you, and will let you go if that’s what you wish.


How is asking her to coffee in a month 'letting her go'?

A month is your timeline...not hers.

In my opinion, for this to be a true 'apology' letter, than there is no next action. An apology is only that. An apology. If it were me, and it was, I would not mention it or try to 'build' on it. It was an apology, and if it was truly done for you, then you shouldnt have any expectations of anything 'coming of it'.

So, I would keep doing what you were doing.

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Yeah, I don't disagree with you, I am going to continue doing what I've been doing, but I do feel there is some gray area...

On one end of the spectrum there is complete no-contact and doing my own thing. On the opposite end there is begging, pleading, etc. I'm nowhere near that opposite end and haven't been for a while now, however, my DB coach said last week that I can't be so black and white about it, that there has to be some level of communication. It seems unlikely that if my wife is left in a complete vacuum she would turn around on her own -- she needs to occasionally see me in the flesh and observe my own transformation into the confident man she used to know. Right?

The apology letter I sent her was an olive branch acknowledging what she said during our coffee meeting a week ago -- I finally realized ( which I posted about on pg 2 ) how I haven't listened to her over the years and how my lack of listening has been disrespectful to her. I always thought I was listening and being the devoted husband, but what I was doing was even worse than the average husband who doesn't listen. I was hearing her words and then injecting my own thoughts and preferences and deciding to do what I wanted to do anyways, convincing myself that I was doing what was best for us or for her. I didn't see this until last week.

I need to continue to GAL. I need to continue to ride that no-contact side the spectrum. I don't have the answer as to why she has not written me back after the apology letter but that's okay. I have no idea how she interpreted what I said. Only she knows that and that's fine, that's for her to process and think about. It's entirely possible she's trying to give me the time and space I mentioned in the letter, or perhaps she doesn't know how to respond to the letter. I have no idea. I will know when she decides to let me know. But at some point there needs to be contact again. Whether that's initiated by her on her own timeline or by me...I guess I just feel like I need to be prepared for another coffee meeting at some point. Not to script it, but just to be somewhat prepared. Maybe I am answering my own question. Maybe GAL is the preparation.

Anyone can get a life. I need to master it.


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
W Deploys 7/17
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Personally, I think you allow the letter to resonate with her. Like you said, you continue to GAL in the meantime. Make your actions align with the letter.

If you have the discipline to do the work and let her come to you, it will serve you well.

Right now, you gravitate to wanting to temp check. You have mentioned that you know the letter isn't a magic bullet, but you anxiously want to meet her for coffee. That tells me that you placed expectations on the letter. I understand. Been there, done that.

Master GAL for you. The rest will fall into place.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Originally Posted By: LITB
Personally, I think you allow the letter to resonate with her. Like you said, you continue to GAL in the meantime. Make your actions align with the letter.

If you have the discipline to do the work and let her come to you, it will serve you well.

Okay. Yes. You're right. Thank you. I need my ass kicked sometimes.

The question then pops in my head...what if she never comes? Or, in the most likely case, simply continues to want the bare minimum interaction to get the divorce settled and over with? I want to say I will be well on my way to GAL by then and it won't matter, but...it will matter. I don't think I will ever get over her. Not fully. I don't see how I could. I will always wonder how she's doing, what she's up to, if she's happy...shoot, I wondered this afternoon if she was taking care of herself and eating healthy. Uggh. Okay, time to shut up and have some discipline. Back to cleaning out the kitchen!

Originally Posted By: LITB
Right now, you gravitate to wanting to temp check. You have mentioned that you know the letter isn't a magic bullet, but you anxiously want to meet her for coffee. That tells me that you placed expectations on the letter. I understand. Been there, done that.

Well, I guess I didn't think I had placed expectations on it...it didn't feel like I had, but you make a good point.

Originally Posted By: LITB
Master GAL for you. The rest will fall into place.

Thank you for the sage advice. I need to hear this stuff.


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
W Deploys 7/17
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To piggy back on my last post...I picked up my truck tonight from a new mechanic. Didn't have time to do it myself today so I took it to a place I found on yelp. Mechanic was a really nice guy who escaped Iraq with his family in 2013. He told me that "they" took his sister and brother-in-law and demanded a ransom (I asked who "they" is, he said it could have been anyone, ISIS, the neighbors...anyone who needed money). The family scraped together money to pay it but have never seen or heard from them since. Terrible, terrible story. I can't even imagine.

Really puts my own shít into perspective.


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
W Deploys 7/17
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Originally Posted By: 180Man

But what's next after an apology letter like this? Do I ask her to coffee in a month? Do I stay dark indefinitely? I wrote a very good letter and I suspect it will make her think a bit, but I know it's no silver bullet. It was necessary for both myself and her for me to acknowledge her feelings, acknowledge that I now understand I didn't listen to her often (despite thinking I was listening), and to acknowledge that by not listening to her I was not respecting her. This is good for both of us regardless of the outcome, but I do have the question of: what next? I am working on myself, I will continue to do so, but what's the path forward from here when it comes to my relationship with her? I know it's not some cookie cutter plan where I just follow steps A through Z, but I would like to hear feedback and ideas. My DB coach didn't really cover what's next beyond saying we should talk about some sort of "4 columns" thing in our next session.


Hello 180man,

Good for you for sending the letter! I'm glad you feel good about what you wrote.

It sounds like your DB Coach has a plan for your next session. It would also be a good opportunity to go over the questions you have raised here recently.

Please call me at 303-444-7004 and we can look at scheduling options.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Hi Cristy, I tried calling yesterday but I was too late. I'll give you guys a call today.

Still no response from my W. Again, still okay with this. My IC said that the letter would be very difficult for her to dismiss because I wrote about things in a manner that showed a deep understanding and acknowledgement of the hurt I have caused her. IC said that, yes, even though they are just words, it was evident that they were not just words due to what I wrote. Probably not explaining it very well, but whatever. If you are reading this and considering writing an apology letter to your S, I would say take your time and make the words count. It took me several days to write and get it to where I wanted it. Of course, you have to be doing "the work," too, for anything to matter. Spiritual, mental, physical...otherwise what's the point?


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
W Deploys 7/17
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 188
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Had another DB session last night. I think I'll be okay for a little while, I'm on a good path right now for myself. As far as my W replying to my letter, well...no news is good news, right?

I have been slowly working my way through BluWave's threads this past week or so. I think I'm about halfway through. Lots and lots of good insight in there from many people, but it's a lot to process all at once. Some gems I found along the way and wrote down as I've been reading...

Originally Posted By: Unbowed
I want intimacy, honesty, partnership, friendship and love, fully and equally. All while understanding the need to avoid codependency, and stay independent but connected.

Originally Posted By: BluWave

It's simply a choice to wake up every day and think "I don't need you, but I want you."

Originally Posted By: BluWave

Well, again, I am no psychologist, but for me detachment means breaking an unhealthy level of co-dependency. It means not allowing what that other person says, does, and feels, to dictate what I say, do, and feel. It means to love someone but not to sacrifice your own needs and feelings for them. For me it means that I can create healthy boundaries, to be free to say no without fear of them withdrawing their love. It means to accept that when they say no to me, they are not saying that they don't love me. It is letting someone go who is asking to be released. It is valuing myself enough to know what I deserve and to ask for it. It is knowing that I cannot change another person but if I am not comfortable with what they are doing, I can safely take a giant step back.

Originally Posted By: Sparky (from Going Dark sticky)

You have the gift of time now, and the focusing energy of pain. Don't feel all of this pain without getting your money's worth. Surrender to what is really happening. Face it head on.


I don't need her, I want her...that's a profound statement. Yesterday and the day before I was doing well with this sentiment. Almost too well as I started to worry that I was forgetting her too easily. But, alas, today I am having moments of sadness.

I start to wonder how, if at all, my letter has affected her...but I have to remind myself that this thought process is aligned with having expectations. If I have none, I wouldn't worry about what she's thinking. But this is hard to do since just a few short months ago my world revolved around her. I have been reading several different books to help me work on me (if you're a reggae fan, I discovered by chance a good song about exactly this just yesterday: Fixman by Roots of a Rebellion). I think they are helping but it's a lot to take in and absorb. I think I definitely fit aspects of the "Nice Guy" syndrome. Ugh.

One hour at a time, one day at a time.


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
W Deploys 7/17
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
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180man!! Glad to read your update. You are progressing in the right direction. It is a process to get to the other side. Like you said, one day at a time.

BTW, it is alright to feel sad and the other difficult emotions. I suggest to do a search for: Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability. I have listened to it many times. I found it to be very profound.

Keep moving forward bud.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 188
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LITB,

Thanks for your reply and encouragement! Every post I have read here has helped a lot, even the ones with tough love. On Brene Brown, are you referring to the book or TED talk or...both? About to pull up the TED talk right now.


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
W Deploys 7/17
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