Newbie, need help with WAW! (Thread 2)

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for your replies last night. They were helpful. - I wonder in my situation if not having kids is going to make it harder for any type of future connection down the road.

No answers there, but I can say that it's a cheeseless tunnel to second guess now (unless it was your choice not to have any kids).

When I was still in contact with my MIL, she told me to ask my W for alimony for the dog. Seems petty...but on the other hand, she's at day care today since I have a long day. It definitely ain't free!

This^^ will NOT be an attractive request. It will be forever & badly remembered, and it's right after you made some 180s in the coffee time.

If the dog is important to both of you, then let her know if it gets sick. Not b/c you want her to pay the bill, but b/c she'll care.

Don't undermine the images you gave her that did contrast with the prior you.

Gym last night was okay. I wasn't really feeling it and didn't push myself, but I guess it was better than driving off a cliff. W sent me an email just as I was finishing up. She thanked me for coming to coffee and listening to her. She asked if we could keep a line of communication open between us, reiterated that she wanted to keep things amicable, and said she'd like to start looking for a mediator.
[color:#3366FF]
this^^ is not all bad. Keep some mystery going but make sure you allude to any GAL that is new or different for you. While GAL, you allow it to help you towards Detachment,

not attaching your behavior to recon with your wife, but to being the best YOU that you can be. [/color]

I am working on a draft of an apology email right now per my DB coach's advice. Does anyone have any recommended threads or websites I should look at related to apology letters?

IF you are going to do this, keep it short. I personally love the sentence "If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently." But you must address some specific issues she has raised ('I'd never get you lilies again", as a small example).

Also, her comment about you two not really making it as lovers is significant to me. It's okay if you don't want to share about that here, but it's obviously very important to her. Whatever you think bothered her about your sex life (not enough, etc), needs to be touched on.

DB coach also said I should try to write it in my W's love language -- not sure how that works with "acts of service." I haven't finished the book yet, but I'd love some suggestions on how to do this?

If you cannot DO an act of service now, Mention an act of service you think would matter to her. A trip somewhere or fixing her car or building a bookcase you know she wants or painting the room she always wanted painted, etc.

ALSO the 5 LL book mentions that there are more than one for most of us. For example she may value acts of service AND words of affirmation...(my guess is that she has a hard time taking compliments with the "I'm a mess" retort to your comment about her looking good. But that's just my take about one brief interchange).

I think at the end of the letter I will reiterate my desire to let her go if divorce really is what she wants, but also ask her for some space for the time being.

2 thoughts come to mind when I read this^^ paragraph. First, the divorce is not yours to give, since it's granted by the state these days. So the letting go isn't relevant to a divorce. So I'd rephrase that.

And your very next sentence is the opposite of letting go...

I am definitely not ready to sit down and do that right now, it has only been 3 months since I found out.

3 months is a very short time. Of course you are still reeling. I'm so sorry.

So Maybe you can discreetly drag things out, and not be available to speed things up, rather than asking her to reflect on it. Ask your L about how to slow it down without making it obvious.

[180Man]

I understand completely. I was reading back through BluWave's threads. She documents her journey well. I suggest you read through it. Perhaps you will come away with a different perspective. At the very least, you might find it helpful.

Anyone reading this, here is the link to BlueWave's first thread. Only had time to get through page three tonight, but I'm tremendously intrigued! I really think I need to hear this and I can already tell BluWave is saying it in a way that clicks for me. Thank you for pointing me toward this, I don't think I would have found it otherwise.

Have no expectations.

Yes, thank you for reminding me Sandi, I need to hear this, I know it is great advice but I also think it is the hardest to follow. My best friend told me he thinks I had a "come to Jesus" moment last night. He thinks that before last night I was really not owning my part in this, I was saying the words but mostly coping by placing blame on her. He seems to think that he sees a difference in my understanding of the situation now that will significantly help me hear her. I hesitate to agree with his Jesus statement, though I do feel like I really have a better understanding of what she was trying to tell me about not listening to her through the years. I feel much less anxiety about the thought of sitting down with her again for coffee. I feel I could listen to her much better without worrying about scripting my validating responses beforehand.

3 months is a very short time. Of course you are still reeling. I'm so sorry.

So Maybe you can discreetly drag things out, and not be available to speed things up, rather than asking her to reflect on it. Ask your L about how to slow it down without making it obvious. [/color]

Yeah, I have a sentence toward the end of my draft apology letter telling her I need time and space to think and process. And I do, it's definitely not a bullshít ploy, I definitely do need some time. I think she is feeling some pressure in her timeline because she has to deploy in the summer and I presume wants to wrap this all up before then. I could care less what her timeline is, but I do understand it.

[180Man]

Just looking for some quick feedback. Went over my apology letter with my DB coach last night. She thought it was really good and heartfelt. She gave me a couple of minor changes but overall not too much. She was really on the fence about the very last line but left it to me to decide. She didn't know if pulling on a heartstring in this manner would be a good idea or not, I got the feeling she was leaning against it.

I need to become whole again for myself, but you will always have my heart.

Thoughts?

[MoveFrwd]

I need to become whole again for myself, but you will always have my heart.

Thoughts?

I hate using those absolutes like always and never. I would imagine there are things that she or you could do that would change this sentiment.

[25yearsmlc]

I need to become whole again for myself, but you will always have my heart.

Thoughts?

I hate using those absolutes like always and never. I would imagine there are things that she or you could do that would change this sentiment.

Here are a few ideas...

"I am becoming the man I was meant to be, and you will always have a place in my heart."

"I want to be my best self, and you've helped me realize that. Thank you."

"you've helped me realize what I need to work on to become the man I want to become. I'm grateful for that."

I'll ponder it more. I have to go read your overall purpose in this again.

Avoid redundancies as there is a need for brevity. Economy of words is powerful.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

What is your goal in writing this? Can you spell it out?

[Sotto]

I like 25's suggestions better. You will always have my heart reads as - I'll be sitting right here waiting for you - not what you want to convey.

You will always have a place in my heart honours the good times - but doesn't convey you'll be sitting there as plan B.

This is important I think

[180Man]

Thanks for the suggestions guys, that helped. I sent the letter/email Friday. In it I told her toward the end:

I am very sad to hear you speak about mediation. I’m sorry that you feel so hopeless about our relationship. I have told you that I love and respect you, but I have not shown you, and will let you go if that’s what you wish. I will. Everything has happened so fast, though. I need some space and time to think and process.

No reply from her two days later, which is fine. I'm doing my best to have no expectations, I suspect she is trying to respect my space right now based on the above statement. So I continue to GAL...Helping my friend build a shop on his property this weekend, going to an open mic night Tuesday... I'm working on it.

But what's next after an apology letter like this? Do I ask her to coffee in a month? Do I stay dark indefinitely? I wrote a very good letter and I suspect it will make her think a bit, but I know it's no silver bullet. It was necessary for both myself and her for me to acknowledge her feelings, acknowledge that I now understand I didn't listen to her often (despite thinking I was listening), and to acknowledge that by not listening to her I was not respecting her. This is good for both of us regardless of the outcome, but I do have the question of: what next? I am working on myself, I will continue to do so, but what's the path forward from here when it comes to my relationship with her? I know it's not some cookie cutter plan where I just follow steps A through Z, but I would like to hear feedback and ideas. My DB coach didn't really cover what's next beyond saying we should talk about some sort of "4 columns" thing in our next session.

Thanks everyone for your help and support, I still have moments throughout the day where I feel hopeless without my partner in life, but your support here has made a tremendous impact on my life, so I just wanted to say thank you.

[MoveFrwd]

The way I understand it from when I had DB coaching, this apology letter is a kind of "last resort letter". I don't think there is a 'next'. I'd say you GAL and continue to live your life working on your goals. I believe the ball is firmly in her court. Any pursuit from you invalidates your letter.

[180Man]

Yeah, you may be right. My DB coach clearly differentiated this apology letter from a last resort letter, though I feel they would be extremely similar. I guess GAL is enough of a plan for now. I miss her so much, this is so difficult.