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No she doesn't drink alcohol but this seems even more intoxicating.
Here is some history:
We've been married for 18 years. The marriage has had it's ups and downs and challenges but I've always loved her and I believe she loved me until fairly recently. We were starting to drift apart and about 2 years ago I made the mistake of starting to sleep in another bedroom because I wasn't sleeping well. She had insisted that our dogs sleep on our bed and we were getting into a power struggle over them. In retrospect, I believe moving to another bedroom emotionally upset her but she didn't communicate that to me at the time. Late last year I moved back into the main bedroom but besides some touching and spooning we haven't been intimate.

Early last year she started having contact with her Massage therapist and I intuitively knew something was building but was in some type of denial and didn't address the situation early on. Around Xmas time I discovered phone records that showed she had been texting him very frequently for many months. I accused her then of her either having an emotional affair or a full sexual affair. At that stage she denied having any type of affair and she maintained they were just friends. I insisted on her terminating contact with him but allowed that she continue a 1 day a week language course she had started with him and 2 other people for the remaining several sessions. She agreed to that but I later found out that there were more lies and deceit occurring. The course has now finished.

Things progressed fast this year and she was soon telling me that this guy is very kind and special. In discussions with her she started rewriting our relationship history saying quite negative things and that I haven't been emotionally there for her for years now. She was meanwhile continuing to see this guy behind my back. Basically she's fallen head over heels for this guy and out of love with me, focusing on all the challenging times we've had and none of the good times. She's now in her mid 40's and this all feels like the crazyness of a mid-life crisis mixed up with very strong brain chemicals.

Mentally she has been working towards this split for a while and for her she is certain our marriage is over. I was very regrettably in some type of denial instead of being proactive about our relationship and am now in shock.

On Monday we went to a Marriage Counsellor and my Wife stated clearly that she now wants out of the Marriage. The MC pinpointed her resentment as well as the fact that I was now pushing her away by giving her no space and continually talking about the intoxication and addiction she was experiencing from the brain chemicals. It was a bad day with no clear resolution except for me to back way off as you guys keep recommending in this forum. We both now have one-on-one sessions with the MC scheduled for next week.

I should add another salient point about our marriage. We had always planned to have kids together to add to our blended family (she was a great step-mom to my kids from a previous marriage) but because of life circumstances I kept on delaying that happening. About 8 years ago during a rough patch in our marriage I decided that I no longer wanted more children and told her - fully expecting her to leave the marriage. She chose to stay but I now realize that from that time there was a lot of resentment building and unbenownst to me she was slowly getting angry and hence the falling out of love with me.

Another contributing factor to our deteriorating relationship was my Mother-in-law moved in with us 5 years ago and although a nice lady, I think she's also been angry about not having grand-children and they have gossiped endlessly together to make me the 'bad guy' (they are very close to each other).

I've been extensively reading MWD's and other books as well as browsing in these forums. I REALLY want to save this marriage (even though I know my chances are fading daily), I still love her very much, but I'm not clear on my strategy going forward. I know I have to play for time, rely on the statistics and hope that the affair fizzles but I'm not sure what to do next. She is now going out nearly every night to see him and I think she is ready to move in with him once she sorts out the complication of her Mother. Both her and her Mother have very small incomes (I've always paid the bills) but my Wife would receive a reasonable cash amount in a divorce (further providing incentive for her to terminate this marriage).
All your viewpoints and advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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I've been lurking and reading TONS but will keep on reading more and rereading your excellent articles and posts.

As I said things are moving VERY fast. I prefer to have time to mentally process things but this is going way faster than my pace.
She chose to spend last night and tonight at his place. She says that she needs to get a better feeling of what it would be like to live with him and then she can either terminate the relationship or begin separation or divorce proceedings with me. Although there is a sliver of me still optimistic and in denial I am doubtful she is suddenly going to find something negative about him that she wouldn't just justify away mentally.
I've always said that I'd never do a separation and would just go for divorce but now I'm here I think I have to be ready to choose separation.
So my first question here is - Are there some threads or resources here discussing separation agreements/contracts. Not that I want to get lawyers involved but I'd assume we'd need to agree on the arrangements - do I let her come and go freely from here once she moves in with him etc.
She still has the problem/decision of what to do with her Mom but it looks like her Mom will just resign from her jobs and return to her Husband who she has been separated from for 5 years but they have remained amicable. Although my Wife and her Mom are very close (perhaps codependent) she is justifying this by now saying that she has been too responsible for her Mother for too long.
Amazing how the reasoning changes once under the influence of brain chemicals.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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My Wife and I bought both of those books a few years ago, read them and were impressed -maybe it actually helped at the time. They hlave been in my bedside drawer all this time. So I've pulled them both out and reread the DR one again. My Wife is not in 'Remedy' mode so she's not going to read them again at the moment. Her remedy is a new life with Mr. Wonderful (sorry for sarcasm)

I've also just purchased Healing Infidelity and read the chapter on 'Doing it Alone' but the rest of the book doesn't apply right now.

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Why is it so clear that she get to choose to "end the relationship" or start divorce proceedings"? What are your boundaries? Why are you so willing to be her backup plan?

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Thanks Cadet - reading furiously.

Kaizen,
I am no control over her wanting to 'end the relationship' or not although I'd like her to choose that path. The choice between separation and direct divorce is largely mine if she doesn't end the relationship. And so I'm going to choose separation.
I'm still looking for answers as I asked above on how to form an agreement of separation. Any suggestions/links/threads ??

I don't have a clear boundary yet on how long the separation should last but my hunch is 6 months - hopefully enough time for her to tire of New Guy and at this stage about as much time as I could bear.
I'm not ready to risk losing the marriage yet and so by default I guess I'm providing a back-up plan for her.

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Welcome aboard. Have you read the threads about the mindset of the wayward wife? If so, does it sound as if I am describing your W?

How would you describe the sexual passion in your W throughout the MR? Did your W want a lot of mouth to mouth kisses, or just get on with the sex act?

Why did you feel your W was emotionally upset for you moving back into the MBR? Did the move come before, or after, discovering the OM?

Why did you believe it was alright for her to continue taking a class with OM, if you knew about their affair?

Quote:
I know I have to play for time, rely on the statistics and hope that the affair fizzles but I'm not sure what to do next.


Why do you feel you need to play for more time? Is it b/c you fear she is close to divorcing you? As for relying on statistics............which ones?

Sorry for so many questions. It will help to get your answers and have a clearer view of things. In all honesty, I am wondering about the dynamics in this MR. The two personalities and how they meshed, or if there was a pattern of one person imposing over the other one? Would you describe either of you as leaning toward passivity?

Just from reading two posts, I may be way off track..........however, I tend to think your denial came from a place of passivity. If you didn't recognize your W was in an A, then you didn't have to act on it. Would you agree, or not? And please know that I mean no disrespect or judgement. After living many years with a gentle, loving, good natured, passive man who has the Nice-Guy Syndrome ..............I can usually spot another one.

How would you describe the interaction with you & W when she returns from spending the night with OM?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi for your long detailed post and questions.

Yes I have read about the wayward wife mindset but I'm not sure if she is wayward. She fits the Walkaway wife description - she's been mentally out of this R for a while, but are those 2 types mutually exclusive, can she also be a bit wayward?

The sexual passion was strong and frequent especially in the beginning years but not just straight into sex act - lots of mouth to mouth kissing. But it became a lot less frequent in the last few years and not sufficient for me. This is where passivity has hurt me - instead of proactively working together on this problem I spent more time on my own doing my own things and being in denial of the problem.

She told me after the affair was discovered that she had felt totally rejected when I moved out - I had absolutely no idea, I just thought she didn't like the idea because married people aren't supposed to do that. To me it was a practical solution that I didn't enjoy because of the power struggle of her insisting to have the dogs on the bed and me to have them off. I regret that choice now.
I moved back because my D returned for a visit just before xmas and used that bedroom. I found out about the affair just before my D left but waited until she had left to confront my Wife.

Yes, I waivered on the issue of allowing the class to continue and my passivity issues were definitely evident in that situation. I did think at that time it was an EA and not a PA but that's no excuse. I own and admit to my passivity and think it's insightful of you to pinpoint that.
Yes, the 'playing for more time' comment is based on me reading that only 3-6% of affairs lead to marriage, so I'm believing she is in the grips of the brain chemicals right now and once they wear off and she discovers some of his faults I might be able to save the marriage. I think when she returns tomorrow she'll want to start talking about separation (moving in with him) and that would be her first choice over direct divorce. Her Mom's resignation and leaving will take time and complicates matters for her so she may 'play for time'.

We definitely have/had Power Struggle issues in the R - she would describe me as controlling and I would say the same of her. Yet I also think I have serious Family of Origin passivity issues - a strong domineering Mother and a similar older Sister (4 year age gap).

This statement of yours is spot on: "I tend to think your denial came from a place of passivity. If you didn't recognize your W was in an A, then you didn't have to act on it."
However this was unconscious. There were several red flags looking back eg. starting to use a password on her phone, but somehow none of them prompted me to check the phone bill until close to xmas.

When she returns from seeing him she is quiet and perhaps embarrassed. Hugs and kisses are small and awkward but there is still spooning in the bed. I would say she is conflicted but driven by the chemicals. She can get hard and annoyed when I want 'answers' and 'invade her space' but I'm trying to back way off on this.

Thanks so much for your very insightful questions

Last edited by Cristy; 03/07/17 11:56 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
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Thanks Sandi for your long detailed post and questions.

Yes I have read about the wayward wife mindset but I'm not sure if she is wayward. She fits the Walkaway wife description - she's been mentally out of this R for a while, but are those 2 types mutually exclusive, can she also be a bit wayward?

The sexual passion was strong and frequent especially in the beginning years but not just straight into sex act - lots of mouth to mouth kissing. But it became a lot less frequent in the last few years and not sufficient for me. This is where my Passivity hurt me. I should have been proactive about solving this problem with her instead I just withdrew into spending more time alone doing my own thing and being in denial.
Serious regrets on my part.

She told me after the affair was discovered that she had felt totally rejected when I moved out - I had absolutely no idea, I just thought she didn't like the idea because married people aren't supposed to do that. To me it was a practical solution that I didn't enjoy because of the power struggle of her insisting to have the dogs on the bed and me to have them off. I regret that choice now.
I moved back because my D returned for a visit just before xmas and used that bedroom. I found out about the affair just before my D left but waited until she had left to confront my Wife.

Yes, I waivered on the issue of allowing the class to continue and my passivity issues were definitely evident in that situation. I did think at that time it was an EA and not a PA but that's no excuse. I own and admit to my passivity and think it's insightful of you to pinpoint that.
Yes, the 'playing for more time' comment is based on me reading that only 3-6% of affairs lead to marriage, so I'm believing she is in the grips of the brain chemicals right now and once they wear off and she discovers some of his faults I might be able to save the marriage. I think when she returns tomorrow she'll want to start talking about separation (moving in with him) and that would be her first choice over divorce. Her Mom's resignation and leaving will take time and complicates matters for her so she may 'play for time'.

We definitely have/had Power Struggle issues in the R - she would describe me as controlling and I would say the same of her. Yet I also think I have serious Family of Origin passivity issues - a strong domineering Mother and a similar older Sister (4 year age gap).

This statement of yours is spot on: "I tend to think your denial came from a place of passivity. If you didn't recognize your W was in an A, then you didn't have to act on it."
However this was unconscious. There were several red flags looking back eg. starting to use a password on her phone, but somehow none of them prompted me to check the phone bill until close to xmas.

When she returns from seeing him she is quiet and perhaps embarrassed. Hugs and kisses are small and awkward but there is still spooning in the bed. I would say she is conflicted but driven by the chemicals. She can get hard and annoyed when I want 'answers' and 'invade her space' but I'm trying to back way off on this.

Thanks so much for your very insightful questions





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