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Hi Gordie,

It sounds like your DB Coach has been enormously helpful.

Keep up the good work!

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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G-man

Still following your sitch, thanks for sharing. It's a horrible ride to be on, but the way you are handling it is an inspiration for the rest of us.

Stay strong, my friend.


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
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FightOn/Cristy/Woke_Up: Thank you guys so much for the encouragement...glad that it's inspiring...things feel better, but don't want to get my hopes/expectations up. Here's and update from the past week:

The good – more time focused on myself and my issues; some very positive GAL developments (will share more about those later); a better dynamic with the W--after our last R talk last weekend, she stopped moping around the house and returned to her more upbeat self; W initiated more emotional and physical intimacy (both inside and outside the bedroom); W was wearing her ring again

The bad—the D hangs over any discussions which involves the future—finances, vacations, etc.

The ugly—so there is a negative dynamic in our R that I see more clearly now: W has ruled the domestic sphere of our life—cooking, cleaning, decorating—and she criticizes me in those areas. She makes it clear when I don’t do them to her standards (for example, I’ll make dinner for the family and then she’ll either skip the meal or make something for herself). The result is that I feel like I am walking on eggshells when I am participating in day-to-day, family life. I’m not sure how to change the dynamic. The issue is more pronounced now, as I do more of the domestic activities than ever before and I’m probably even more sensitive to my W’s criticism.

Twilight zone:

Last week, W asked that we stop going to church together (my assumption is that we would go at different times) and so I took the kids without my W…and then W drove and sat separately…and we all went to brunch together afterwards…


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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G- some quick thoughts.

Your W's vacillating behavior, to me, is indicative of some major confusion and waffling about leaving/staying in your marriage. That's a great sign! (But don't let it go to your head!)

Keep in mind that she's being driven by feelings, not thoughts. So don't try to make a lot of logical sense about it. She feels a hunger, a visceral, real hunger, just like when she feels an empty stomach. She needs to fill that with a sense of independence, empowerment, and EXCITEMENT.

You represent the opposite of that: dependence, power-sharing, and comfort. Your W's hunger is so intense, it's nearly impossible to satisfy her hunger while you live under the same roof.

My advice would be to give her as much freedom and power as you are able. Respond warmly to her "bids for connection," but once done, let her be independent. She wants to make her own meals? Fine. She wants to go to church by herself? Fantastic honey, I'm totally OK with that.

You will have to draw the line on her seeing someone else, of course. (As I've mentioned in your thread before, I'd probably draw it at a delusional affair, myself; i.e., allow it, but not a real, two-way EA). But setting that boundary is about protecting your own mental health, not hers.

Anyway, give her all the emotional, mental, physical room she desires.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Originally Posted By: ForGump
She feels a hunger, a visceral, real hunger, just like when she feels an empty stomach. She needs to fill that with a sense of independence, empowerment, and EXCITEMENT.

You represent the opposite of that: dependence, power-sharing, and comfort. Your W's hunger is so intense, it's nearly impossible to satisfy her hunger while you live under the same roof.


ForGump,

Wow, that sounds so...right. I hadn't seen it like that. You give me these little nuggets of insight...that are so helpful (your words that my W is "playing D" still rings in my ears). Given this dynamic, my concern is that she will have to go through with the D...but these days, I have no idea what will happen and am trying to just live in the present...and let tomorrow worry about itself.

And yes, the boundary with the POM is that I have been very plainspoken that I don't want to be in a three-way-relationship and W has been open about not wanting to open that door until we are D.

Thanks for your continuing support!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Overall, last week was a good week. Things seemed pretty normal in our day to day interactions. W is speaking up and disagreeing with me more, which is a little uncomfortable, but it’s in my good category because it’s different for her and she it was one of her big complaints, that she didn’t have a voice in our M. And the best thing is that she is disagreeing and saying no and letting go; once the discussion is over, there are no negative feelings lingering around, this is a change. W also initiated sex more in the past week than she has since BD.

We had a weekend getaway, just the two of us. W had hinted that this is something she wanted and DB coach thought it would be a good idea if we could just go and have fun with no expectations, so we did it and it was a success. It was fun and relaxing. Friends said treat her like my GF and not my W which is what I did and all worked out well: I made all the arrangements, paid for everything, carried bags, opened doors, used my new cologne. As we were drifting off to sleep last night, W said thank you for a wonderful weekend and I said you’re welcome and I hope that we get to do it again.

One random observation: when W and I are walking somewhere together, she really prefers to be a step ahead or behind me. She doesn’t want to walk with me, much less hold hands or have any physical contact.

We had many pleasant conversations this weekend (W’s LL is quantity/quality time and conversation and that is what she got) and two that bordered on R, though we didn’t explicitly go there. First, W repeated that she felt trapped in our M, trapped with responsibilities for others and unable to live for herself, though she says she no longer feels that way. Second, W told me all about one of her new friends who she admires greatly (new friend is not married with children and very professionally successful); W said that her friend had to say NO to marriage in order to say YES to herself and that saying YES to yourself is the most important thing you can do in life.

So the big question I didn't ask: can W have the life she wants and stay married? At BD, the answer was no. Right now, it feels like the answer is I don't know. Only W can answer that question for herself, but is there anything that I can do to make YES the most attractive option?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Quote:
One random observation: when W and I are walking somewhere together, she really prefers to be a step ahead or behind me. She doesn’t want to walk with me, much less hold hands or have any physical contact.


Has she always done this? I find this quite concerning.

Quote:
Only W can answer that question for herself, but is there anything that I can do to make YES the most attractive option?


Just be the best Gordie you can be. Nothing else will work. There is NOTHING you can do. Either she comes to that conclusion or she doesn't. Unfortunately, the ball is in her court.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Quote:
One random observation: when W and I are walking somewhere together, she really prefers to be a step ahead or behind me. She doesn’t want to walk with me, much less hold hands or have any physical contact.


Has she always done this? I find this quite concerning.

Quote:
Only W can answer that question for herself, but is there anything that I can do to make YES the most attractive option?


Just be the best Gordie you can be. Nothing else will work. There is NOTHING you can do. Either she comes to that conclusion or she doesn't. Unfortunately, the ball is in her court.


The not wanting to walk together? This has been happening for a while now, but it's taken me a while to catch on to the behavior. We can hold hands while eating dinner, but when it's time to walk to the car...she wants to walk alone...and then we can go home and have sex...I don't get it.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie,

I think the walking issue falls under the "is this the hill you want to die on" category. If not , then keep looking at the positives and reinforce those.

That's my two cents.

Sounds like things are progressing so keep up the positive interactions.

Mirage

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Originally Posted By: Gordie
she wants to walk alone...and then we can go home and have sex...I don't get it.

S[***]s but look at it this way: it's definitely nutty, irrational behavior. But you know what's worse than that, is a spouse who is thinking very clearly and rationally and has decided that she needs to move on. This way, at least there is some hope that your W will wake the [****] up one day from her fog.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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