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Gordie Offline OP
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Job ordered me to start a new thread, here's the prior one. This is my third one in MLC...I have earlier ones in newcomers.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2729701&page=1

In short, married 20+ years, five kids, after baby #5, started changing her life...focus on health/weight/youthfulness/beauty, new friends, new religion, new job...bomb drop in September, W 42 confesses she is in love with one of her employees POM 22...still living together...talking to lawyers about D...

The title of this thread refers to taking my obsessive focus off of my W...and doing the work that I need to do to heal, learn, grow...still trying to bust my divorce...but trying to get myself to that healthy place where I will be well no matter what happens...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie Offline OP
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KML--is my W's sadness because the OM broke up with her?

I honestly have no idea what is going on there and I don't snoop, but of course that thought has crossed my mind. As far as I know, it's just a fantasy/infatuation at this point...but there are possibilities: OM quits the job, proposes to his GF, or gets his GF pregnant...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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job Offline
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Gee, I didn't think I "ordered" you to start a new thread. I did say please and thank you...proper manners, no less. LOL!

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G--

Sorry but I was happy to hear your W is inconsolable. If she is to break out of her fog, her delusion, she has to go through something unsettling. Her path out of the fog won't be easy.

OM didn't break up w/ her, because he was never with her (sorry, I'm a broken record). If her sadness involves the OM at all (we have no idea at this point), then it's because she realized she was having a delusion about OM, and built up her whole divorce-Gordie-and-become-happy fantasy based on a horrible delusion.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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KML - I put my money on: OM has been accepted to a far away college.

Sorry Gordie but we have to find the humor in all this madness. And it's just SO ridiculous that he's a boy; and I do mean a BOY!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Gordie Offline OP
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Job--you are so polite and helpful--didn't mean that you were anything but...

HaWho--you are right; you have to laugh; there are times when I feel I am living in a real bad movie; a comic tragedy

ForGump--you are also right and so much appreciate how you have suppprted me these last few months

Journaling:

W has been down all week so I asked if she wanted to go out and talk after work. She was very excited that I asked. We had a very enjoyable evening and felt very connected. This usually ends in W initiating sex but this time didn't. The next day, I had cooties. W didn't want to get too close to me and we spent the day doing separate activities. In the evening, W cornered me for a R talk. It's been a while since we had one of these. W is frustrated that I am still in the MBR and we are living together and that we aren't D yet. W says we aren't married anymore in her mind. W wants us to stop acting as if we are married. We should go to church separately so we don't have to pretend. W admits she has moments of doubt about the D but knows she has to do it. W says she has enjoyed our sex life but doesn't want me to think it means she doesn't want a D.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie Offline OP
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So after out R talk W was all clingy. My DB coach says these are signs of confusion and uncertainty. W cycles between wanting to be close to me and then when she feels too close she has to declare her need for D and pushes me away and then when she feels like she's pushed me too far, she then comes close. Distance, pursuit, repeat.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Posts: 956
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Its all very confusing, isn't it? We can read about the pursuing/distancing dance til the cows come home, but actually living with the behavior is very unsettling and painful. Hope goes up, then comes crashing down again. Time, understanding what it is, and working on ourselves (getting used to the "no expectations" bit) seems to level it out on our end after awhile. The hope is that they get their own confusion worked out at some point while we remain steady in our non-reactive behavior, being the lighthouse or the spouse/ex-spouse that only a fool would leave. Even if they've already left.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Gordie Offline OP
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Confusing, unsettling, painful? Yes! I keep re reading the relevant threads sonat least I better understand the dynamic. Yes, I have gotten much steadier over time but it's still a struggle. W also said D filing is coming soon.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
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Gord, I can't understand what the live in crazy is like. Mine has left and is no contact unless about the kids. It has helped me detach, but at times the thought of...how in hell can she totally shut me out of her life...comes up and I slip into the sadness. I doubt I will ever understand, but I'm determined to continue to grow and learn. Stay steady and take it one day at a time.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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