Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

Honey

Believe nothing she says to you and certainly nothing said in Chinese whispers. It is just fit for the compost heap.

I am not keen on your WW creating these types of conversations with any non professional third party in this way.

Smells of the rot of manipulation, could lead you in the wrong way altogether. Control by the back door and oh so lacking in marital confidentiality.

In addition how does this work on YOU?

Just sayin

V

Please don't call me honey.

This doesn't work on me, but it does give my running mind some comfort even if it is lies which allows me to better focus. I am aware of the rule to not take what she says at face value. At this point she is a WAW not a wayward wife, and until shown otherwise I will believe it because I need to to work on myself. I am working hard on the things I can and realize I am not the bad guy in this situation. She isn't looking for control over me, she quite frankly wants to be as far away from me as she can right now. Anything I can have help slow her down I'll accept, but I won't ask for it.

[giftd]

Met her yesterday face to face for the first time in over a month. She brought the ferret over after the surgery with the intention of packing some tings and talking some. I stayed as upbeat as possible and tried to avoid talking about the relationship. Said I would rather talk about it with a counselor there, when she asked why I said I wanted to make sure the things I said were heard and vice-versa. She at one point asked for a key and I said no. She's welcome to come see the animals anytime I'm home but I have to live there and I can't be worrying about what she is going to take from the house.

Talking while packing was hard on both of us, she baited me into talking about the relationship more than I wanted. Told me she's splitting her time between a friends house and the work apartment. She said she's seeing a counselor once every other week. I asked if her counselor has told her to do anything (shouldn't have) and she said "Well, kind of. She makes suggestions to challenge my thinking". This is a huge red flag for me. She said that she is working on "leading her life the way she wants and not the way she thinks others want her to". This hurt. She said that I was a part of that. I know it's wrong. I've been supportive of all her decisions but going back to her old job. She now says that she loves the job and hates that people minimalize it.

Talked briefly to my counselor and it just sounds more and more like a mid life crisis. Kills me because I know that there's even less control over that situation. I'm working hard on myself but she has to go see the grass isn't greener before she could come back. She did mention that she has some things that she wants to save for counseling (implied it would be with me) which is a good thing if she is actually telling the truth. She's made it clear she doesn't want to hurt me and giving that carrot isn't something she would do if she wanted to close me out completely. She also talked of being friends. Getting food was brought up and then she changed her mind, hesitated, said "maybe.... no... maybe next week."

The best part of this meeting was that I didn't get upset until after she left. Looking into her eyes I was able to see the pupils dialate, the glisten was there. She still loves me, she can't hide it, maybe that's why she can't be around me yet. Whenever something became too much I just looked in her eyes. She's still trying to bury it. Every time she gives me an excuse it's under the guise of ILYB and the reason why she's not "in love" changes depending on the day. I'm convinced there isn't anyone else, she is determined to be on her own.

She wants to get her stuff to keep me from having to see it everyday. I told her I have to go slow, I'm in no mood to rush any of this, she agreed but got mad when I told her I was done with her taking stuff for the day. She said she wanted to talk next week. I assume it's to get more stuff, not sure if I want to let that happen yet, I'll talk to my counselor about it. This is the first real step, getting her to talk. Need to keep working on me, try to focus on what i can control and push the thoughts of what I can't out of my head. It's hard knowing the journey is so long and everything to this point was to get to step one. It's worth it to me though. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

[WshIKnw]

I've noticed something about you since the first few posts of yours. You seem to be calmer, stronger, and wiser. You sounded a little wimpy in the early posts, but I don't get that from you now. That is inspirational to me, because I have a real issue with wimpiness.

When I see my wife, I get the sense that there is still a lot of love there as well. Last time I saw her, she ran away really fast, like it hurt her to be around me, or something. I've also noticed looks in her eyes like there are feelings. She would study my face a lot. She would stare at me while I wasn't looking directly at her, but then quickly look away as soon as I looked at her eyes.

I feel a sense of hope for you from reading this latest post. If she will go to counseling, that is really good. My wife went to one marriage counseling session with me, after bomb drop, said she was glad she went, and enjoyed it, but still refused to go to any more. Hopefully your wife will continue to go with you.

My wife has another man. So, it's very hard for us to reconcile as long as he is in her head.

[giftd]

Thanks for your words. I'm glad that she isn't with anyone else as far as I know because that is such a big obstacle to wait on. I'm discouraged by the feeling that this is more MLC than just WAW because there's even less control and it takes more time with probably less guarantees. But I do feel stronger, more confident. Being able to look into her eyes and feel and see I'm not crazy is a big step. I still have my days where I'm a wreck, detaching comes in spurts but I'm still making plans for the future for myself, including living situation when the roommate sells the house. She did mention to her father, who is still calling to talk to me, that she noticed some positive changes yesterday. She's stubborn and hasn't changed her position, but I've come through the woods to find the road. I know it's worth the fight. Gotta remember to notice the baby steps.

[WshIKnw]

I think you've got the right idea. I'll be watching you for how to deal with my own situation.

[Dawgs]

I'm discouraged by the feeling that this is more MLC than just WAW because there's even less control and it takes more time with probably less guarantees.

Don't put your eggs in that basket...

[giftd]

So today I sent her the pictures of the baby rabbits to update her like she asked. She replied asking how the ferret was doing from the surgery 2 days ago. I sent a photo of the incision site. She asked a question and I answered straight to the point. A good interaction that she had essentially asked for.

Tonight getting home I get a message from her asking what book it was I was reading when she came over on Wednesday (not DB). I talked to my friend and decided to tell her about "I love you but... I'm not in love with you" by Andrew G. Marshall. The book is overall positive and helped explain to me what she might be feeling more in depth with that statement and how to help get the feeling back along with "exercises" and stories from his counseling sessions. I told her with the title that if she reads it she should read it all the way through even if she doesn't like the exercises. She replied with "when have I ever skipped hw".

I am pretty excited about this interaction. She initiated it. When I last spoke with her father he had talked to her right after she left and she had mentioned that while her feelings hadn't changed she noticed positive changes with me. I feel like asking for the book stemmed from that, but I'm probably reading too much into it. I'm letting this good feeling sink in for a bit longer before I temper my expectations to where they should be. Just feels good to feel like I have a real win for once.

[giftd]

So today I sent her the pictures of the baby rabbits to update her like she asked. She replied asking how the ferret was doing from the surgery 2 days ago. I sent a photo of the incision site. She asked a question and I answered straight to the point. A good interaction that she had essentially asked for.

Tonight getting home I get a message from her asking what book it was I was reading when she came over on Wednesday (not DB). I talked to my friend and decided to tell her about "I love you but... I'm not in love with you" by Andrew G. Marshall. The book is overall positive and helped explain to me what she might be feeling more in depth with that statement and how to help get the feeling back along with "exercises" and stories from his counseling sessions. I told her with the title that if she reads it she should read it all the way through even if she doesn't like the exercises. She replied with "when have I ever skipped hw".

I am pretty excited about this interaction. She initiated it. When I last spoke with her father he had talked to her right after she left and she had mentioned that while her feelings hadn't changed she noticed positive changes with me. I feel like asking for the book stemmed from that, but I'm probably reading too much into it. I'm letting this good feeling sink in for a bit longer before I temper my expectations to where they should be. Just feels good to feel like I have a real win for once.

I actually skipped the part where when I told her she said she had just started reading it.

[giftd]

Today she messaged me asking if we could meet Monday for breakfast and then she can come over to see the pets and get some stuff. I have some plans throughout the day and said she's welcome to find a time around them. We have a plan now and I'm hoping to see some cracks in her armor when we talk but I'm trying not to be optimistic. Her initiating the conversations like this is still a step forward on the road.

[giftd]

Met her for lunch today. Had decent conversation. Asked specifically at one point about counseling together. She said "maybe". She has a lot of revisionist history going on but she is getting more comfortable around me. Problem I'm running into is that the work apartment is about the be hers alone. Means she will be 2 hours away from me. I offered to bring the cats down to visit her since she said that she is sad she isn't going to be able to see them once she's down there everyday. She said that I couldn't handle the driving, I told her not to underestimate me.

She reiterated that she sees the changes I'm making and hopes they are for me and not for her. I told her I do what I want to for myself and I feel as strong as I ever have. During a moment of weakness we were both crying and I asked if she was filing papers anytime soon and she said as long as things stay positive she doesn't have any plans for it right away. She still believes that she is right for leaving because of things I've done. The book she was reading she didn't really agree with as much as I had hoped but she isn't done yet.

It came up that she would like if I called her once in a while. I said I didn't want to interrupt her space and she reiterated that every couple of days it's ok. She is stubborn, always has been , and needs to work through some issues of her own. I just am hoping that I can find enough opportunities to show her that her current perception of me is wrong. Actions actions actions. I have already surprised her, gotten her wall down a bit. Doesn't matter until she does more work on herself. She blames me for giving up her hobbies. I don't agree but it doesn't matter who's to blame, she gave them up and currently has to find herself again.

Counselor isn't sure I'll be able to get on meds for depression with the progress I made. Dunno if that's really a good thing or not? I feel stronger than ever, stronger everyday. But I don't detach much. She will be alone in the work apartment come Friday, the other person is moving out and she will be there full time. I think the conversation on the phone will be important and I hope to have some kind of window over the 2 weeks following that to get her to want counseling together.

Baby steps from today:
"Maybe" counseling
She acknowledged my progress
She wants to talk on phone
Her wall is slowly coming down
She was able to take what she needed without me having to tell her to stop.