He thinks that she is making a mistake and wants her to know that separation, divorce, doesn't have a happier ending.
So, really this is pursuing and pushing from someone else, no? And she will see it as directed by you. What is to be gained?
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This push pull is unbearable in my head. Just can't detach, too many hours in the day
Right there with you. It took me a LONG time to cross that bridge and see the light for what it truly is. One of the things that helped me most was the gym...and the punching bag. Many, many hours of exercise and hitting the bag. Did it solve my problem? No, because I didn't have a problem. It allowed me to carve out time where I emptied my mind and frustrations...and led me to realize that none of this was my fault.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
He thinks that she is making a mistake and wants her to know that separation, divorce, doesn't have a happier ending.
So, really this is pursuing and pushing from someone else, no? And she will see it as directed by you. What is to be gained?
You are probably right. She initiated contact with him to talk though and she has to know that he feels this way after his experience with his fiance. The way my wife works is that she makes a decision and goes with it. Blinders on, full speed. Planting that seed and having her hear it (that she isn't dealing with the real issues) will replay over in her head and eventually she will really ask herself if she is. I cannot be the one to say it and have not asked anyone else to because I'm sure she will think it's directed from me. Him reading her a letter from his ex, two years later, saying she took her problems and transposed them onto the relationship and it's her biggest regret; I dunno if it's right for me to let him or not, but she needs to hear it.
I think this is one of those things in the book where "you know your spouse best" comes into play. But I guess I'll find out.
Today's snowstorm is going to make for a long day
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
On the way home from work tonight her farther called to talk. I'm trying to be upbeat because she's talking to our friend, my best friend, tomorrow and she initiated the conversation. He's very reasonable and his words carry weight with both of us. Her father just talks about our day, just checking in. Then I get the mail and there's a change of address confirmation letter.
Broken all over again.
I'm working hard on myself, trying to detach, trying to do it for me because I want to be better. But these little things creeping in every time I get optimistic is such a set back. Her father said he had no idea she was doing that. He knows where she has been staying and that it is temporary, no lease as far as he knows. He's frustrated because her completely avoiding me (I'm initiating no conversations that aren't necessary for the animals at this point) is both selfish and childish. It seems like she is running from everything in her life, there's no real reasoning other than small resentments over time make her feel like she loves me but isn't "in love" with me.
I know how she works, but this isn't like her to just run from problems. I'm worried that if I do nothing it will just continue on this path until she reaches the point of no return in her mind like she has in the past with other things. I understand she's scared, needs time, but cutting these small ties (phone, netflix, mailing address) is maddening. If the conversation tomorrow doesn't go well her father has said he wants to says some things when he talks to her again this weekend. He's been supportive to her without directly supporting her decision (said he gave her some options for living arrangements that don't result in a long term lease). I told him that's his decision, I'm not asking, I appreciate his advice for me since he's been divorced once before. He said she has some things she needs to hear, he just has been waiting for her to figure it out herself. Going on a month now, he's thinking it's time he says something.
I'm worried her talking to our friend (he's more my friend, introduced us and was best man at the wedding), and her father saying something will drive her further away. It's their decisions, maybe she needs to hear what they have to say. I don't know exactly what they are going to say. Just know that they "believe in us". Maybe her hearing what they have to say will get her thinking, as far as I know she's diving into her work to avoid things.
Going in tomorrow to finalize my application for graduation. Gonna be a long day...
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I've been there. The confirmation letter on change of address. Taking the cell phone off the account. Even opening a new checking account. Each one is a little stab to the heart.
Just know none of those things are permanent. 1-2 months after doing those things, my W is slowly moving back into reality. Way too early to think about reconciliation but she's at least thinking about "us" and acting more how she used to than the alien she became.
So those things do hurt. Just don't focus on it. Keep working on you and worry about what you can control.
Maybe her hearing what they have to say will get her thinking, .
I would not put any eggs in that basket, sir.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I've been there. The confirmation letter on change of address. Taking the cell phone off the account. Even opening a new checking account. Each one is a little stab to the heart.
Just know none of those things are permanent. 1-2 months after doing those things, my W is slowly moving back into reality. Way too early to think about reconciliation but she's at least thinking about "us" and acting more how she used to than the alien she became.
So those things do hurt. Just don't focus on it. Keep working on you and worry about what you can control.
Thanks for telling me this. A month is a long time, but I'm trying to remember that there isn't really a timeline. She will run until she runs out of breath and when she stops to breath she'll finally start to think.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
She will run until she runs out of breath and when she stops to breath she'll finally start to think.
I like that. I don't know whether my wife will come back to me when she comes to her senses, but I wonder whether she will at least apologize. I miss that sweet apologetic wife that I had. She has really morphed into a monster.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
So my friend/roommate talked to her on Thursday (2 days ago). They talked for about 4 hours. The first 20 minutes were awkward, her wall was up and it's a hard subject to bring up. He was worried I would be upset because he didn't make more progress, but he had a productive 4 hour conversation where she listened. I was happy.
She started by saying that he can call her "$h**bag #2" if he wants. Which his ex fiance who did this to him is #1. He said no, you are my friend. Then like we had talked about he asked her side of the story, listened, and acknowledged her feelings. Used a "2 minute rule" where one person would talk for 2 minutes and the other person had to just listen until time was up.
She was defensive at first and loosened up as it went along. Wasn't wearing her ring. This hurts but I had prepared for it. She is still running, still wants to come get more of her stuff soon. He said she has a perception of me right now and who I am, what my limits are. He very deftly combatted these with examples both from the past and things I'm working on while acknowledging that some things I've done or haven't done were legit grievances, but ones that are fixable. I've talked to him ad nauseum about the books I've read and he presented himself as a neutral third party with our best interests at heart. He made clear he thinks we should be together but can use the time apart to work on ourselves.
She likes her job, the one she told me she hated and broke down crying about, and resents the fact that I hate she works there. He said that he thought she hated it there, he assumes that I think she does as well because she called it derogatory names and complained before cutting ties with it for 3 months. She wasn't seeing how she was painting it to everyone else. Her other resentments are both legit and from a distorted picture from the anger she is feeling, but the point he got across is that nto feeling "in love", is understandable while you are feeling this way. But what is she doing to deal with her resentments? She has given up all her coping activities because she's too tired from work. Not finding a way to forgive and look forward means she'll never have a relationship work.
She doesn't like who she is right now. This is something I've assumed, but it's nice she said it out loud to someone. She is going to counseling and asked if I was. She asked how I was doing and he gave vague answers while playing up that I'm doing work on myself and making changes. He said if she really wants to know she should ask me herself. She is scared to talk to me, to see me. She thinks I'm going to hurt her or myself because of my depression. She really doesn't understand it. He actually yelled at her for leaving and using my depressed feelings as part of the excuse. To tell someone that you are at rock bottom emotionally, that you aren't sure if living or dying is better, is hard to do. And it was something that she didn't handle at all. I feel like I shouldn't have told her, but in reality if we are in a relationship I should be able to tell her those things. She admitted she didn't handle it well and apologized to him, he said to say it to me.
She thinks that my friend should try getting back together with his ex-fiance who kicked him out without a real reason. He read my wife the letter his ex wrote saying she regretted everything. She wasn't dealing with her problems and put them onto the relationship. He said replace the names and it sounds awful familiar. She heard that, she cried. She has stated that she isn't in a relationship, doesn't want to be, wants to be alone for the next 2-3 years, maybe forever (sounds dramatic right?). She also told him where she is staying (not with her boss, she's at the work apartment) and that he can tell me about the conversation.
So while nothing was necessarily resolved during this talk, I am motivated by the discussion. I know her, the ideas will rattle around and replay. Mood swings may come depending on the day. He's going to try to setup another meeting for lunch or dinner on Sunday as he leaves on Monday for another month and hopes to be the person she can talk to and get thinking. I hope she lets him as she hasn't been talking to any of her friends. I know the road is long still, but while she's still running, this will slow her down. I still have to see her on Wednesday for the rescheduled ferret surgery (she's picking it up after since I have class). This will be the first face to face since 2/19. Being the best me I can without overdoing it, not wearing my hat will make her take notice (It's a coping mechanism for my anxiety, never leave the house without a hat on). Stay with the plan...
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
