I appreciate your story and yes, I can relate to a lot of the issues you are saying. My friends are great, but the timing is terrible where I am just here alone. Getting out to see a friends friend and talking to anyone who will listen has helped. Yoga actually is the best thing to get out of my own head. Something new I've learned.
I had a regression today and texted her to ask for the title to the old junk car we have in the driveway. This is something that we had both tried to sell and she got frustrated it is still there a year later. I believe she puts that on me despite her taking over the project but it doesn't matter.
Her father last night gave me a pep talk, basically saying that he thinks she is putting her life not being where she thought it would be on me and the marriage and that I shouldn't give up. He mentioned that selling the car might be a good thing to get her attention. He doesn't really know the DB way and I had planned on going dark until Wednesday but the talk convinced me to text to ask for the title so I can finish getting rid of it. She is bringing it in the morning but did not give a time, I don't know if she is planning to drop it in the mailbox or what but I need her to sign the bill of sale so she'll have to see me either way. I plan to be up and dressed in my more "adult" clothes (better fitting jeans and t shirt since everything I wear is more college-baggy). I really wanted to go dark, but he said he worries about her putting up walls if I lose too much momentum which is something the DB way concerns me with as well (just because of who she is). He also is putting a lot of faith in me and I think is trying to give me tips based on what he is hearing from her. Felt good that he believes in me enough to do that so I take it seriously.
Hopefully the interaction is good and will carry me over until Wednesday. Upbeat, positive, not talking about the relationship or the future.
While I was writing, my friend who owns the house we have been staying in and I have been working on told me that she texted him asking about rent. He said because of the work I did on the house it's taken care of (he's also giving me a portion of the money from the upcoming sale). She wants to meet him and talk when he gets back next week. She said that he gets 12 free "c*nt punches". He thinks that's a good thing, like maybe she thinks she made a mistake. I'm trying to not believe that because it's not the DB way and it would be a pretty big defeat to have it be wrong. I know he's on "our side" and has talked me through the past weeks. I don't want to coach him, but I have been talking to him about my plan of attack so he can hold me to it. So I probably should at least reiterate that she cannot know about DB.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
So I got up early to get looking my best. Didn't hear from her all morning. At 11AM she texts me and says she just dropped the car title (for the one we are junking) in the mail box. I am annoyed but I calm down, I really was hoping to have a face to face. I say that she needs to sign the bill of sale. She replies with "Just sign it for me". I don't want to forge the signature and I don't want to let her off the hook that easy. I call my friend to talk and he says to just calm down and make a short text saying that I will take care of it. While I'm talking she texts "Are they coming today?". Obviously I needed it in the morning to set it up before I went to work, there's no time now. I send the message "don't worry I'll take care of it. Hoping to have it gone by Monday".
I'm so frustrated by the fact that after 3 weeks she still is avoiding seeing me in person. I want to just yell. If she has such strong feelings of anger I'd understand, but she had seemed to have calmed down. If it's guilt then I don't understand. Does she think there's more we could do? I've given her no reason to think it will be some explosive confrontation. It just feels like she is trying to run and purge me from her life until she convinces herself there's nothing there.
Just can't detach throughout this process. I know I'm supposed to.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I'm so frustrated by the fact that after 3 weeks she still is avoiding seeing me in person. I want to just yell. If she has such strong feelings of anger I'd understand, but she had seemed to have calmed down. If it's guilt then I don't understand. Does she think there's more we could do? I've given her no reason to think it will be some explosive confrontation. It just feels like she is trying to run and purge me from her life until she convinces herself there's nothing there.
Mine was like that for the almost 2.5 years from BD to divorce.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I've felt like my wife was running away while trying to convince herself that leaving me was the right thing to do. I have felt like she won't see me because she either has feelings for me that she doesn't want to feel, or seeing me makes her feel guilty, or both. I've also felt like she had a side of her that was for me and a side that was against me, and the whole time she's been in a rush to kill the side of herself that wants to come back to me. Which is why she needed to listen to angry, breakup music, and come up with a laundry list of reasons why I was a bad husband, and rush to get everything ended with me. I also think she is likely rushing to be with OM.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Thankfully we have animals which she cares very much about because there aren't kids to help her think it through.
Weekend was ok. Friend came over Friday night and is leaving today. Managed to go see a movie, get a haircut, played some games (first time in a month) and was able to disconnect without withdrawing. Went to the bar my wife and I used to go to, talked to the bartender who asked if my wife was coming too. I said she was working late and would probably be too tired. Made me feel better that she still isn't comfortable telling people, dunno why. Biggest problem was that a song we used to enjoy came on, cut pretty deep.
Also had a regression. Looked on netflix and saw that she watched a couple episodes of a show we used to watch. Saw it was at 6:45pm (she never goes to bed that early) and it was at her bosses house who she may be having an emotional or more affair with.
I know there are reasonable explanations for her being there from general couch surfing to the fact that one of them usually has to work in Mass instead of Maine and her boss has a cat so maybe she was watching the cat. But obviously my mind goes to the worst. Dunno how to detach from that.
Big storm coming this week, roommate is supposed to be home before but may get delayed until Wednesday night. Hoping the storm doesn't interrupt the ferret surgery and the interaction that would come from it. I really want a face to face and for it to go well enough to build on, leave her thinking. Friend is still supposed to talk to her this week after he gets back. He is going to tell her what his ex-fiance who left him for ILYB has said to him (regret, I was dealing with other things, I still love you).
Read sa"I love you but I'm not in love with you" - by Andrew G. Marshall. Book helped me see her side a bit better and also gave me hope that she'll figure it out and we can get her that feeling back. Actions > words. Wish I could get her to read this book but that's not the plan yet. Gotta keep on going.
Thanks for talking everyone, hope you are all doing ok.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
She was at her bosses house when she watched Netflix on Saturday night. Her boss is a lesbian and like 16 years older. They have become war buddies and close friends because of work and was part of the reason my wife left her new job to go back to the old one she hated. Just goes around and around in my head. Counselor tried to prepare me that whatever connection they have may have to fall off before she is ready to really recommit. Supposedly nothing is going on though but it makes it seriously harder to be patient and stay dark.
Had to reschedule the ferret surgery to next Wednesday because her schedule changed. She thanked me for coordinating. I'm trying to enjoy these small victories and positive interactions but it's hard to leave it at that.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Came home, stuck in my head all day. Sold the junk car. Started thinking that she probably has taken the phone off my account. Found out she has. This hurt so much. I felt so gutted, still do. Just being purged from her life after such a short period of time like I'm part of her wardrobe.
Talked to my friend who's now coming back Wednesday night because of the storm. He's setting up the meeting with her she asked for. Going to ask her her side, hope she vents and opens up. He's bringing a letter his ex-fiance sent him saying that ending their relationship was her biggest regret in life because she projected her issues onto the relationship. I'm not telling him to do it, he wants to. He introduced us, was the best man at the wedding. He thinks that she is making a mistake and wants her to know that separation, divorce, doesn't have a happier ending.
If you are together for as long as we have been, ILYB isn't enough of a reason to leave and run away. There's always more options. Those feelings of "in love" are being crushed by the cruddy time we've had lately and a couple of fixable issues like our jobs and time spent together. To let herself turn these into resentment and refuse to work on it shows that she can't be happy in any long term relationship. I am working on me, trying my best to push through. I've found myself stronger than I ever imagined and happier with my life when I am able to detach even the slightest.
The only thing missing is her.
I can't chase, I can't shake her and tell her she's not seeing things how they really are, I can't get angry at her. I admire her bravery for doing this and abhor her stupidity for thinking it would actually help. I know how stubborn she is on her decisions, but I also know that shes capable of saying she was wrong. This push pull is unbearable in my head. Just can't detach, too many hours in the day.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Weekends are the absolute worst to me right now, because I have lost interest in everything that doesn't involve my wife. I do like socializing now though. Helps me not to miss her.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
