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#2732602 03/02/17 04:40 PM
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So, been reading this site all day, going to get the book later.

I have been with my wife for 7 years, married for a bit over 3. We had a wonderful time together and loved each other very much while dating. She accepted my flaws (anxiety and depression) along with my crazy family. We had some issues, she was in grad school for 2 years before the wedding and my anxiety limited my ability to visit her in the big city while I worked on my schooling 2.5 hours away. I also had no car. After she graduates she says that it bothered her and I explained my situation and we moved on. We get married.

Living where I am finishing school together she gets a job that is teaching. Thinking she isn't bringing enough money in she takes a second job. I meanwhile am working part time and taking classes full time. Then I get sick, for a month I had a fever off and on and had to go to the hospital. She was great taking care of me. She did all this while working two jobs she didn't end up enjoying. Because of my illness I don't finish my classes and graduate but I don't want to hold her back from a real science job, so we move to the big city.

There I am terrified to go anywhere, I have lost my support network outside of her. She can't find a job despite many applications. Instead of starting to finish my schooling I take a job that requires the car. I drive on the outskirts of the city and attempt to get over my anxiety. She eventually goes stir crazy and says we need more money and takes a job at a pet store. She's pretty bummed. I try to flip it around and we talk about vet school, you need pet experience to get into most. After some time she gets promoted to asst manager and she wants me to take classes again. I get sick and have to delay, still try to work. Our apartment during this time is in the process of being sold and we lose good landlords for a bad one.

Next my best friend and the person that introduced us loses his father and his fiance kicks him out. We take him in, she says it'll be good to have someone for me. She gets promoted again to manager and finds herself working 50 hours. During this time we have one car and I have to use it for work. She takes the bus, an hour each way. I have a hard time getting over the anxiety and picking her up when I'm able but I try.

Eventually we get a second car, she takes on more responsibilities with a second store and is working 65-70 hours a week. She's exhausted. I try to support her and talk about letting some responsibilities go, but if she is going to work at a pet store with a degree in toxicology she is at least going to win at it. She is very stubborn and if told she can't, she will. Work wears her down, the landlord wears her down, our roommate decides to buy a fixer upper house and offers to take us in for cheap, I can do work on the house to even it out. We talk and I convince her it's a good idea to save money. She seems excited.

School runs into more issues and I have to take more classes. Summer comes and she gets promoted again. Now she has to go to all the stores to fill in and place orders (there's like 20 stores total across 3 states). She is now driving and on the phone and working almost 100 hours a week. I see her wearing down and talk about finding a way out of it. She is unable to be part of life because she works so much. She gets closer to her older boss (both bisexual women) during this time in a way war buddies do. She often tells me we tell her the same things, "why are you working here?". My wife expresses to me that she fears she will have resentment for her working so hard and me working part time while taking class still. I don't listen well, try to get her to work less and I try to pick up more hours (my clients cancel regularly).

She gains weight and begins smoking again which she had stopped before we started dating because I had asked her too. She starts becoming distant in the fall but I didn't notice because she was still working so much. Finally she breaks, "I can't work this job anymore, it's killing me, I don't have a life, I'm contributing nothing to the world". I talk her through it and we decide she should quit. She does and after a week finds a science job. Again she is worried about money. I tell her that the reason we moved into this housing situation is if something happens we don't have to pay rent, he's made that offer to us.

She starts the job, I'm excited. I see her at a set time, we are talking again. We start having date nights, dinners, bowling. Everything seems great. Then the job takes a turn. There's more politics involved that are hard to ignore. She says she's going to leave. Her old boss is telling her to come back. I get upset that she is going back to the place that broke her down, I'm upset her boss is suggesting the idea. She talks and says she can't stay at the science job and wants to make the money and that they've changed how they do things. She is upset that she doesn't think she can handle science jobs anymore (with the rejection and a bad grad school advisor, the politics wear her down).

At this time (January) one of our ferrets passes away. We are both very hurt. I fall into my depression and for the first time tell her I'm having thoughts of suicide. I tell her I can't do it, I know it's selfish but I just have to say something. She shuts down. She's never been great with emotions. Doesn't know what to do. She withdraws more but I don't think much of it, she just changed jobs.

Now to deal with my depression I surround myself with friends and disconnect with video games, I always have. I get off when she gets home but if she is on the phone I keep playing.

Two weeks after talking to her about my depression (end of January/ early Feb) she stays at the work house with her boss and work friend, they have been going out drinking and playing pool more and more often despite my protests. She comes home the next day and on the verge of crying says that she realized she was taking the long way home and she thinks it might be because of our relationship. I get upset, in my depression I blame myself, I wasn't strong. I ask if we should do counseling, something she had refused for herself while being overworked, and she says "I guess".

I set it up for the next day, I don't want to lose her, I am happy with her, we are great together. She goes and we tell her all the issues we've had. She brings up resentment over everything I haven't done (school, not visiting, working less, not picking her up). I get defensive and talk about her working. Again, I wasn't strong and I got upset. We talk after the session and it's fairly productive. Sex begins to dry up.

The second session the therapist explains to me my wife's issues with our relationship. I feel like I'm hearing them for the first time. I say that I'm blindsided, I had no idea. Her response is that that makes her sad, she feels like she's reached out several times. The therapist asks her to try to live int he relationship in the moment for the next week. I learn a lot that session. After my wife says she got nothing from it. I explain that I got a lot, I have a lot to work on to be better. We have sex later and then are snowed in. Things seem pretty good, we talk more and there's crying but I make her laugh while we play games together and shovel snow.

Then she wants to cancel the next appointment, she says it's because of weather and we can reschedule for next week. Valentines comes and goes, I get her a card and chocolate and help her make dinner. She doesn't get anything but we don't always. That Saturday we talk and I get defensive again, can't get out of my own head. I take my ring off and tell her when she's ready to fight to have me put it back on. She goes away crying. I'm ashamed of how I have acted. I can't seem to control my emotions when it comes to the thought of losing her. I am working hard on myself and she is barely trying. I get drunk and write poems to vent. She finds them and gets upset because she can see I'm hurting. I sleep on the couch, she leaves the next morning, writing a note over me until she sees I'm awake and tell me what it says. She's leaving for a few days to get some space. She has a bag. She's balling as she leaves. It's her birthday.

I am distraught, after 5 hours I try to text to see if she's ok. I'm worried she's crashed. No response. I call, phone's off. I am freaking out thinking she's hurt. I text her friends vaguely to see if they've heard from her. No one responds. Call her father, he says she's ok. She texts me soon after that she's safe. I text a couple things and get no reply. The next day I text more, nothing. I call, nothing. I can't stop myself, I want to hear from her. The next day i set up our therapy appointment and tell her the time. She texts that she isn't going to go, it isn't going to change that she is unhappy with our relationship and that she doesn't want to drag it out and hurt both of us. I'm devastated. Call her phone, her work cel phone email her, text. Eventually I call her father who I am friends with. We talk about it as he's somewhat aware. Says to give her some space and see if a dialogue starts. I drive to her families house the next day upset, they have been more family to me than my own. Talk with her mother, they all want her to work this out as they are big proponents of therapy from their own marriage and from what they know nothing is broken. I feel comforted and text her " I love you, I miss you goodnight" at night. I write letters as her mother suggested. I do my best to give her space but it's hard.

Finally one of our rabbits has babies after about 4 days with no contact from her. I send her pictures in the morning then my evening message. I talk to a friend and her father for comfort. That weekend (9 days with her gone) we have a pet emergency and she calls at my 911 text and helps me. I finish and call her back as she asked to let her know it's ok. I ask if we can have lunch sometime. She says she isn't ready. She asks to come get some stuff the next day. I say ok I changed the locks because of an issue we had (I really just wanted some form of control since I can't leave the now empty house [roommate is gone for 8 weeks]), and I have no idea where she is. She says she doesn't want me there. I say I'm not sure I can do that, but we'll see. She sends her family to the house first after they have lunch together. They are upset because she is mad, they don't understand her reasonings. They say she is really hoping I'm not there when she gets there. I leave, start balling, come back and the dad takes me for a drive. I manage to get hope up again, maybe it's just another couple days clothes. She did after all take the letters I had written to her.

Well it was all her clothes, all her shoes, coffee cups, a night stand, checkbook (I immediately think she's signing a lease), the important documents box. Again, devastated. I finally call my mother who I have a rocky relationship with to have someone come over (she lives 4 hours away). We work out that maybe it's ok, I don't know anything for sure, rationalize all the things missing. There are still plenty of more important things like our pets ashes in the house. I still am trapped in the house because of the pets. I go back to texting her the baby rabbbits photos in the morning and "goodnight, I love you" messages at night. Wednesday I text her with the photo that I'm free to talk during X hours the rest of the week when she is ready. She texts me she will call at 5.

I work it up to be ok in my head. I wanted to talk in person but this is better than no contact. The call is worst case scenario. I start it light, "how are you?" "are you eating?" etc... She plays nice then I ask if she's talking to anybody and she says she has a therapist appointment at 6. I ask her how it's going, if she wants me to let her know about the couples one we were seeing. She says she meant what she said. She is done. She can't be with me. She loves me, but is not in love with me. I'm upset. I tell her that I hear what she is saying, but I can't accept throwing away everything we have when nothing is broken. I try to ask what she is really upset about and she just shuts down. She ais she was pissed I reached out to her family. She felt violated. She sounds stone faced. I ask if she's been seeing the therapist or if it's new today. She says she has seen them enough.

My mind goes racing, I hate therapists that throw away marriages. I've seen them before. I know what separations and divorces do to people. Before she goes she tells me when the health insurance goes through at the new (old) job so I can use it to get on depression meds like we had discussed and not pay the therapist a boatload. I thank her and say that I'll wait as long as it takes then hang up and call her father.

Evidentally she told them minutes before she told me what she was doing. They were shocked. They continue to try to gently lean her in the direction of working through it. I told the father she was upset and that I don't want to compromise anything between them. He says it's not her choice and I need to talk to someone who has been through a divorce and a successful marriage (him). He helps a bit. Everyone is telling me to focus on me but I'm just racing through my head.

So that was last night. I sent her a text saying that I loved her and would wait for her but I'm turning my phone off for a few days. I wrote her letters I'll never send because they are angry and painful for me. I write in my journal I just started. I put all the wedding photos in the room in a box and rearrange the bedroom. I have been cleaning the house daily, going to classes working my 19 hours a week. I can't sleep so there's almost 20 hours in a day. Eating makes me feel sick. She's my everything and I don't know what to do. I reached out to several friends last night. One is coming up soon.

This morning, I slowly get up since I can't sleep and find this site. Now everything I read seems to be involving children, which we don't have (we have many pets) and people seem to be living together while working on things. But this site makes me seem hopeful still. I have formulated a go dark plan for the next week. No idea how I'm going to do it. I assume she isn't going to file papers for a while if the insurance goes through on April 1st and she told me about it. While her therapist and boss are wild cards, her family who I've stopped talking to because of her request and the information here has made it clear they are on the side of us coming back together.

So I'm going to get divorce remedy tonight (now), I just wonder if there is really any hope for a strong stubborn WAS who may be going through a MLC of sorts with her giving up her planned career path of science. Am I right to go dark for a while? how long before I should respond if she wants to come get things or talk? What do I say? I've been so emotional and defensive because I'm just so scared.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Nov 2009
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Made some short term goals today for myself, going out with newer friends tonight, went for a drive, read a help book, wrote in a journal, made another counseling appointment. Still not sleeping enough. There's just so many hours in the day, I don't know what to do with myself since I've been unable to really detach yet.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Originally Posted By: giftd

So I'm going to get divorce remedy tonight (now), I just wonder if there is really any hope for a strong stubborn WAS who may be going through a MLC of sorts with her giving up her planned career path of science. Am I right to go dark for a while? how long before I should respond if she wants to come get things or talk? What do I say? I've been so emotional and defensive because I'm just so scared.


Hello giftd,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. The short answer to your question is yes, there is hope.

Take a deep breath. Let's focus on your anxiety and depression for a minute. What kind of professional support have you been receiving for this throughout your marriage? You mentioned that the new health insurance starts on April 1, what will you have access to?

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Originally Posted By: giftd
She says she was pissed I reached out to her family. She felt violated.

I thank her and say that I'll wait as long as it takes then hang up and call her father.

Are you listening to her?

Originally Posted By: giftd
I sent her a text saying that I loved her and would wait for her

Quit that ASAP. Youre only hurting yourself with those kinds of messages.

Originally Posted By: giftd
I have formulated a go dark plan for the next week. No idea how I'm going to do it.

Why just 1 week?

Also, going dark is good, but you have to be doing something during that time. What are you doing to battle and conquer your own issues besides just going dark?

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Sorry you're here. I'm getting divorced soon, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I think your focus, and really your sole focus, should be on your depression and anxiety right now. Get yourself a physical exam with a good doctor, find an IC, get on medication if they recommend it, exercise, GAL, stretch yourself with new things, sleep more, eat right, meditate (I'm a huge, huge advocate), play a lot less video games -- all of it will help. I say this because I don't think you could have the relationship with your W that you want (or that she would want), even if she miraculously returned to your relationship tomorrow, without first battling and overcoming your depression and anxiety. Get that rolling, and you'll start to feel better. Start to feel better, and you'll feel even better, and then you'll really be rolling,and you can start becoming a man only a fool would leave in earnest.

You can do it.


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
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Kaizen- Yes I was listening to her. I wasn't in the right state to not call though. Her family has been there for me throughout the entirety of the marriage and is closer to me than my own family. I have stopped the contact now that I have calmed down.

I have stopped sending her messages even though I obviously want to talk to her. All the readings I've done and people I talk to all say the same things: GAL, deal with anxiety and depression. I'm trying new things. I started yoga, have been bowling several times, went out with some of my friends friends and have a friend coming to stay with me for a week or two.

The reason I say going dark for the next week is that I have to get one of our ferrets to the vet for surgery and it seems selfish to not tell her as she has no idea they are sick. I plan on being matter of fact and as short and to the point as possible. It also makes it a short term goal I can focus on and most likely achieve which should boost my confidence.

I plan on being regular at the gym. I'm scrawny but in decent shape. I hope that it helps to have her see the best looking and acting me whenever I have to go face to face the next time (it's been 13 days now). The gym will also do a lot to help my mood.

I don't know if the insurance is covering me or how I would be able to contribute to it without contacting her and I'm not going to initiate. I have a counselor I see (we went together to her twice) weekly but can't afford to get the full doctors and medication set up without insurance. She has tomorrow off, I expect her to try to talk either then or Wednesday (her other day off) to discuss either financial or animal things. If she asks to get anything else from the house I plan on waiting to reply and then telling her that I'm busy (she doesn't have a key currently).

I am doing my best to realize that this process is slow and may not ever work out how I want. I have to try to focus on my issues and finding who I want to be, what my values are, what I want out of life. It's just hard where everything is so fresh and new. Hearing that she loves me, but isn't in love with me sends my mind racing. Somehow she lost the intimacy over the last 2 years. I just want to put my real best self out there for her to see and hope she gets that feeling back.

I see the frantic bargaining and reasoning I've done during the early days only leaves me looking desperate (which I kinda am) and unattractive.

I appreciate everyone's posts. Insight and other points of view are good to hear.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 97
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So today I was feeling terrible. Mornings are the hardest, just waking up and she's not there I can't get back to sleep and I know I'm not getting enough.

Stayed at a new friends house and when I got home I went to put on netflix and saw she was using our account for the first time since she left. I had assumed she started her own account to just rush through separating our lives because she gets gung ho about some decisions she makes. This is something we would use everyday, we both use noise to sleep. I know I shouldn't look into things and have to detach but it gives me some hope. Made me feel like maybe she's finally starting to calm down, stop being angry. Maybe even remember some good things watching a show we used to.

I am 100% sure I shouldn't read into it but I'm going to and use this boost to hopefully take a nap.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 97
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Managed to get a decent nap using what I felt was good news. Turns out she used it at 3 in the morning today which means she went out drinking with her boss. Pretty bummed, I had hoped that since she had today off she was feeling a bit better and maybe would reach out, not that I could reply anyways.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
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