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#2732552 03/02/17 09:46 AM
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Bdog37 Offline OP
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Starting new thread for journaling

Old thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2729372#Post2729372

So, I was asked why I don't harbor any anger towards my WW and my response was that I didn't want to live with the anger cause why should I. Yes, from what I have read, the WAS's on here have done unspeakable things to people they once loved. I decided early on that I did not want to let my WW ruin my life anymore so I worked hard on forgiveness and let go of my anger. We can't control what they do. The only thing we can control is how we react to the things they do to us.

With that being said I think I hit an all time anger spout today. I am at the point where I have learned from a mutual friend that my WW is trying to maliciously ruin me financially. I have had my L look into our finances while we were M and the news I got from him has come at a shock. My W handled all the financial obligations, from which I have learned my lesson, and what she has done/doing still makes me sick to my stomach. This all started right after the OM's ex found out about their A and threatened to destroy my W's life. After multiple threats my W came to the conclusion that once I found out we would be getting a D anyway so she has been planning these malicious acts since then. Bank accounts were closed and multiple credit cards in my name were opened. The debt on these credit cards are substantial and she was very good at hiding the monthly statements from me. I have also learned, just today, that she literally has used one credit card to not only book a weekend out of town with the OM, but has also bought multiple lingerie items for this weekend getaway on a credit card in my name.

There may be some good news in all this. I first spoke that my W's apple account was logged into my IPad and I was able to read her text messages. I stopped "snooping" long ago, but after the lawyer informed me of my unfortunate debt that I was unaware of, I went snooping. The things I have read that she is saying to friends and family not only hurt, but has made me rediscover my anger for her. How in the world could someone grow so cold and malicious towards someone they loved and spent 16 years of their life with????? Luckily I do have these texts messages because hopefully the court will see that she has done these things on purpose to hurt me. In my town there are 2 judges that will hear our case. Through text messages I also found out that one of them just so happens to be a family friend of theirs and referred my W's current L to her. Once I informed my L about this he said we def will not be having him review our case because of a conflict of interest. So imagine if I didn't have these text messages and decided NOT to snoop. I would have gone into court, possible with a judge that is a family friend of my W's family, knowing all of this but maybe having little grounds to stand on to fight it. All marital debt in my state is split evenly so why should would have racked up all this credit card debt is beyond me? Maybe she figures that I will have to buy her out of our properties, pay her child support, give her half of my 401 and most of this debt will be wiped out, but leave me with little investments for my future?? I have no ideal, but I do know that 2 accounts were set up for our daughter's future and they are now GONE. She closed them and took the money. How.......how can someone be so cold??????? She actually stole money from her own daughters!! She was telling her friends (via text) that she is hoping our home appraises for x amount because she will be going after the equity. She literally said that she "needs" this amount to buy a home of her own. UGH! I am beyond frustrated today needed to come here to vent, so sorry. I do hope that justice will prevail and the judge will see that her actions, since last year, has only been to benefit herself in setting up a new life and forces her to pay back the money she stool and doesn't hold me accountable for this enormous debt. I have a good L and he already told me that we will definitely fight all this, but it will all boil down to whatever the judge rules on. I know Karma is a b**** so I seriously can't wait until it comes and bites her in the a** for ruining my children's and my lives.


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
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Brotherman,

So sorry to read that. Cheaters are one thing and down right despicable, but this is just plain sucktastic, my friend. I hate it for you. Heck, I'm angry for you.

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The only thing we can control is how we react to the things they do to us.


One of the best statements ever had read on this board.

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I know Karma is a b**** so I seriously can't wait until it comes and bites her in the a** for ruining my children's and my lives.


It will, my friend. It will.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: SAL27
I have also learned, just today, that she literally has used one credit card to not only book a weekend out of town with the OM, but has also bought multiple lingerie items for this weekend getaway on a credit card in my name.


As Jeep would say...sucktastic...so sorry for you, bro...allow yourself to feel the anger, vent away...only after allowing yourself to feel it will you be able to get it go...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Bdog37 Offline OP
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This is just incredible. I am part to blame by trusting her (why would I not trust her) with our finances. I just can't believe all this.... I couldn't believe that someone who loved you could actually cheat on you, but now I can't believe she could stoop so low to do things like this. D brings out the worst in people!! This all reminds me of how people react when there is a death in the family and they dig their hands in to get whatever possessions/money they can without caring about the feelings of others. I have actually witnessed that scenario in multiple family's so since D can be considered a death, then I shouldn't be surprised on what she is doing.

Then there are the lies she is spreading to her family and friends. I could understand if any little bit of it was true, but the things she is saying make me seriously want to call these people up and let them know how bad she is lying. She is telling a lot of these people that I am a bad father I am and how she is going after full custody.... (that part makes me literally tear up because my children are my life). How can anybody do this???? I was not a bad husband or father!! I did not verbally or physically abuse her, I have always held a job and supported our family, I have always...always supported her ambitions by helping her with schooling etc, I have always show my love the best I could, listened while she vented about work and other stressful related issues, and I probably could go on. I literally took care of our first born by myself. Everyone who knows me personally couldn't believe how I allowed my W to go out every weekend while I stayed at home with my baby girl. So how the hell can she tell me that the worst thing I did in our M was to neglect family time with her and the kids? Yes, I became selfish in my own ways and quit going to every single event, party, carnival, etc, but how does that merit doing such horrible and unspeakable things to the person you chose to marry!!!!

I really want to wake up from this nightmare someday because sometimes it is too hard to bare. I am pretty sure that I will never get over this and even though I am angry I am also terrible hurt. Hurt that she has become a monster...the woman I loved, married, had children with, pictured to spend the rest of my life with....sigh.

I think my day of venting is done and I'm going to spend the rest of my afternoon canceling these credit cards. Hopefully some good news will come to me tomorrow.


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 203
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Bdog37 Offline OP
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How long before moving forward?

So since I have been out GAL I have met some wonderful people. One of these happens to be a very beautiful woman who, after talking with on several occasions, is kind, sweet, caring, interesting, wonderful mother, etc, and clearly shows an interest in me. We have been talking, as just friends, for over a month now and she has recently expressed that she wants to move forward in our relationship. She expressed these feelings last weekend when I had her over my house for dinner. However, as wonderful as she is, I told her that I am not ready for a relationship and it bothers me that I feel this way. I told her that I am not trying to lead her on in anyway and that I was sorry I feel this way.

How is it so easy for our WAS's to go out, meet someone, start dating, and have feelings for someone else so quickly when we have been a part of their lives for so long? When is it time for the LBH spouse to start dating again?

This may fall under the category of "letting go", but I just find myself not wanting to open up and start trusting again. Here, I find someone who I would be grateful to be with and yet I am afraid because of what my W has done to me. How is this fair for the LBS? We are the ones left all damaged while the WAS gets to freely express, without concern, their feelings for someone else so quickly. My D won't be finalized for some time now and yet my W has been dating the OM since December. Why is it that I am the one afraid of starting a new relationship and how is it that she so easily has? Maybe because she is not afraid of someone betraying her since it was her that had the A?

I spoke with a few family members in regards to this and they said that most "rebound" relationships do not work and my W will soon discover that. Said that I should just take it slow with this OW and maybe some day I will be able to open up with her. I am not confident that this will happen anytime soon and it may never happen. I am confident that I am a much better man/father since all this happened, but I just don't want to find myself in this same predicament years down the road. If I feel this way now then when does this end?? How will I ever move forward if these feelings remain?

I know part of it is because I still miss my W, even though if you have read anything up above that sounds crazy, but there may always be a part of me that does. I miss the woman she used to be. I miss our life together and all the happy memories that we shared. I miss the life that we were planning to have together. Hell, I even really miss many of her family members that I have become so close to over all these years.

Ugh, why is this so hard for me to open up to this woman? She could very well be the one that helps me pick up the pieces and gives me the love that I deserve. Yet, here I am questioning it.

Again, how long before moving forward?


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Joined: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted By: SAL27
How long before moving forward?

...

How is it so easy for our WAS's to go out, meet someone, start dating, and have feelings for someone else so quickly when we have been a part of their lives for so long? When is it time for the LBH spouse to start dating again?


I'm going through a different issue - I really want someone to turn to. It's not healthy and i'm resisting the temptation, but i really want to find someone now.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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Quote:
I'm going through a different issue - I really want someone to turn to. It's not healthy and i'm resisting the temptation, but i really want to find someone now.


While this is a great, great thing...you must remember that there are different levels to this you need to think about.

If you can separate what you are going through from your current mindset, you'll find that going out is very, very beneficial to one's soul and ego. I speak from experience. Harley Quinn withstanding, I've gone out with quite a few - ranging from simple coffee dates to really going out, and then some.

The thing is, you must be careful of rebound attachment...which can be a not so good thing. You don't want your heart broken again.

But, go out. Have fun. Go on a date. Have some sexy time. Whatever. It's good for you. Just don't talk about your situation.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Journaling/venting

Ugh, not sure why I let my ex get to me. I was dropping my D off at school and while leaving out the door she was blowing me kisses while smiling. Her actions made it tough to leave and it brightened up my morning. Seconds later I get a text from the ex basically explaining that she is sick and tired of waiting for this D to be over. She explained that she wanted to know if I was going to put the house on the market or buy her out. She told me that she needed to "move on" and wanted to buy a place for her and the girls. She wants me to sell the house that my dying father willed to me so she can move on... Needless to say that her comments upset me so I basically just told her that I will see her in court. She clearly didn't like such a short response and went into a tirade about how she found someone who makes her so happy and that she isn't ashamed she moved on so months ago. Said that the marriage has been dead for awhile and that the only thing holding it together was a meaningless piece of paper.

I just responded with that I was glad he makes you so happy. However, I wanted to truly scream at her from the top of my lungs. Here, I was having such a great morning and now reading her comments just ruined my entire day. I want to know how in the h*** was our M "dead" for awhile now when the memories I have in the past 6 months were wonderful. We took an adult vacation to New Orleans with another couple, hosted 3 parties at our house, went and saw our beloved Chicago Cubs in a playoff game then all hugged as a family in our living room the night they won the WS. I mean, we were all literally hugging as a family on Nov. 3rd and then the very next day my life was turned upside down.

How in the world can someone say so many harsh things to someone they once loved?!?! How is it even possible for them to do so without any remorse whatsoever??

I'm so sick and tired of crying and caring for a W who thinks I am the devil who caused her so much pain. I seriously wish I could erase the last 16 years of my life. I seriously wish I never had met her, married her, had children with her, planned my future with her, loved her, etc. There are so many wonderful W out there and this one has destroyed my outlook on them.

Such a bad day now thanks to her.....ugh!!!


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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SAL27. I feel for you man. Lately I'm of the disposition that my W is not thinking clearly. I can't ignore what she says, I have to validate her feelings and ensure that she's not attempting to cross any of my boundaries. But I can't let her words get to me.

Just yesterday morning my W called me "hon" and then later that same day said that she wants to move forward with the separation/divorce process. Does this sound like a woman who knows what she wants?

I feel like women in these situations will do and say anything to justify their decision to exit the marriage and offload some of the responsibility on the LBH so that they don't have to bear 100% of the guilt for destroying the family.

My plan is to keep working on being a better me. To become the man that she'd be crazy to walk away from. But if she still decides to walk, I'll still be a better person...


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Bdog37 Offline OP
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Thanks Chris73,

I remember reading your sitch and thinking about how much both of ours had in common. I also leaned on my wife to take care of the household duties and make most of the "executive" decisions in regards to the family. I too would help out when asked, but it just wasn't enough.

Quote:
I feel like women in these situations will do and say anything to justify their decision to exit the marriage and offload some of the responsibility on the LBH so that they don't have to bear 100% of the guilt for destroying the family.


I agree with this and think it is the main reason for her lashing out at me all the time. However, I still try to remain friendly. Not sure why, but I want to be the bigger person when all this is said and done. It just upsets me so much coming from her. Anyone else in this world can call me every name in the book and it wouldn't bother me one bit. Hearing some of the things she has said to me just strikes so hard in my heart. I'm afraid that eventually I am going to resent the woman I once loved because of her actions and become cold towards OW as well....ugh. Just hate how I allow her to ruin my day. She isn't worth it and shouldn't have this much power over me.


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
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