First time post feeling lost and confused

[dodog]

So an update the wife has really peeved me off today. Just her whole attitude towards the children. I have said that we need to tell the eldest something rather than lying to her. Her response yes ok. So I'm like I think we should say that we are unhappy and we need sometime apart apart so daddy will
Be here on some days and mummy the ithers. To which she says no we should tell her the truth. She is 5 yrs old we are not going to have all of this finalised for months we allow a 5 yr old to have to go through it.

Did you send Cristy from DB an email about Michelle's article on telling kids? It was on your thread a few pages back. I emailed her that day and got the article this morning. It is useful.

Thanks for the heads up. I just did email her.

[dodog]

Really feeling pretty down today. Really don't like this limbo stage. Looking forward to seeing my children later and have them at the house until Friday. Spoke with the wife last night as to what to tell the eldest about me not being there. Then she starts on about agreeing to her terms re settlement and it's not for her its for the children. Then proceeding to tell me that I am manipulative, spiteful and the sooner this is finalised the better. Says that she could never love me the way I'm acting and that i will thank her in 5 years for splitting us up.

Can't focus at work, don't see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. Although I know I will be alright when we divorce it's the limbo stage I can't deal with.

I really don't know what I'm grieving about more the loss of my family, the loss of my family life, or the uncertainty of the future.

[KevinIn]

It sounds like you are about 4-6 weeks behind me in the process. I felt or feel the same things. Fortunately, its getting easier and doesn't happen as frequently. I attribute this to 1) detaching, 2) GALing, and 3) accepting the reality of it all. I've also made a very significant effort to mellow out in life and not let this define me.

Here's some more specific thoughts...

Really feeling pretty down today. Really don't like this limbo stage.

I hear ya! I hate the limbo. I have many ups and downs.

Have you spoken to your primary care Dr. about any of this? Many people have mentioned getting Ativan (Lorazepam) or Xanax to help with the down days. Worth looking into.

Looking forward to seeing my children later and have them at the house until Friday.

Being with my kids is the best thing in the world for me right now. Definitely something to keep looking forward to.

Can't focus at work

Let me know when you figure out how to fix this one. I've gotten into a much happier place over the past 2-3 weeks, but my focus at work is still not there or where it used to be (hence why i'm on this site in the middle of the day). Good luck with it.

Possibly talk to your dr. about this too? Drugs can possibly help.

I really don't know what I'm grieving about more the loss of my family, the loss of my family life, or the uncertainty of the future.

You are probably grieving about each of these, based on the day, hour, minute, second. You have a perfectly acceptable reason to grieve. Its part of the process. See how i'm validating there? I'm practicing.

[dodog]

Thanks kevinin makes me feel a bit better knowing that it's not just going all through this. I have seen my dr and he has prescribed me some anxiety meds. Forgot to take them Sunday which is why I'm probably feeling a bit more rubbish than usual.

I know it will get easier and I really need start thinking that me and the wife are over. To be honest sitting here at the house with the children I don't actually miss her. She is away in Amsterdam for a conference and she could be there with anyone for all I care.

It just pains me to know that I'm going to be atartingball over again with hardly anything and she will be set up in a house which I'm going to be finding. I reckon it's going to take me about 12 months on renting a place before I can buy a home but that also gives me some time to decide where I want to live. I need to be within 20 mins drive of the children to be able to see tham one night during the week. But that then limits me as to what I can rent.

Tried to give back my car today but I owe more than it's worth so I'm stuck with it for at least another 18 months. Just trying to stock pile cash now in order for me to be able to get things sorted when we do final break up.

Just wish I was actually busy in my job at the moment but as I don't have much to do at the moment it just makes it even more harder. And the fact that the wife works for the same company so I don't even have the sanctuary of being at work

Just need to start getting out a bit more and also start going back to the gym and start playing golf again especially now the weather is getting warmer.

Well tomorrow is a brand new day and hopefully it will get a bit easier than today.

[Vanilla]

Whenever she says something awful then remember it's a thing call projection

That means you are likely the opposite of it

You are selfish.....actually you are generous

You are unkind,....you are super kind

You are horrible...

Etc

My ex said I was incompetent, selfish, unfeeling, ugly, fat, unfaithful.....

I bought it and I shouldn't have. It diminished me and prevented me from functioning.

And I am learning it is make believe. And you would think someone as faithful as V would be able to say I haven't cheated! Instead I searched my mind, why would the Gigalo think that?

V

[KevinIn]

Just need to start getting out a bit more and also start going back to the gym and start playing golf again

Followthe advice in this forum and Get A Life (GAL). You have two things decided already - gym and golf. Make it happen. Especially the gym - as frequently as you can (maybe even at lunch if you are slow at work).

The next GAL thing I've been told to do is update my bucket list. Get a mix if big things that may never happen (e.g. African Safari) with realistic goals (e.g. learn to salsa dance). Then start doing it. For me, I've started going to a lot of concerts, which i havent done in years. Its fun to think about going, then reliving the memory. Find fun people to go with.

Also, go shopping for new, modern, stylish clothes to wear to work if you dont already dress modern. It will make you feel good.

[dodog]

So today feeling a bit better after spending the night with the children. Had to deflect lots of questions from my daughter this morning about when mummy gets home will I also be here. Also questions about summer holidays and taking her back to eurodisney. Makes me so upset to think what this is going to do to her. I would love to think that me and the wife could live under the same roof but I honestly don't think I can do it.

We are at least 4 months away from having all of this finalised and therhiught of living seperated under the same roof feels me with dread.

[dodog]

So quite a few exchanges today with w all about what to say to our eldest. And also making arrangements for my parents to swap there afternoon when they have the children so they hand over to me rather than my w. She did have a little moan about my parents wanting to swap so I said. Did a bit of db saying I can appreciate how you would feel like that. Something that did stick in my mind today and as peaople say about throwing us crumbs. During our heating exchange the night before last she said that I should stop walking around having my own pity party.... this annoyed me but then she said how do you expect me to fall in love with you if your being like this. So you know what I'm going to use that not the how do I fall in love with you big but the pity party and show her that I am no longer going to be wallowing in pity. That this situation is the best thing to hav happened to me in a long while. I'm going to smile be happy. I actually can be happy as spoke with my mortgage advisor and been told what one company would be prepared to lend me with including giving the child support and everything else she is demanding and it's still enough to be able to something that I would want to live in. Still need to decide whether to rent or buy but hat was a positive. Also I've started to stop looking to far in to the future. There is no point getting stressed out about where I'm going to live right now. I don't need to make any decisions and I can't make any decisions so why even spend my time thinking about it.

Just put the kids to bed and going to treat myself to a movie and an early night. No work tomorrow as I have the litttle one as w doesn't work Thursday or Fridays and with her being away we have no child care so a day with the little man all on his own without his big sister very rarely happens so I'm going to embrace it and have a great day.

Still dreading Friday telling my eldest that mummy and daddy need some time apart speech but that's all we can tell her at the moment. I'm not going to tell her we are divorcing or selling the house until we have to but to many lies have been told as to my whereabouts for the past 6 weeks that it's time to tell some truths. Who knows it may even pull a few heart strings on the w although I'm not sure she actually has one anymore

[dodog]

Just need to start getting out a bit more and also start going back to the gym and start playing golf again

Followthe advice in this forum and Get A Life (GAL). You have two things decided already - gym and golf. Make it happen. Especially the gym - as frequently as you can (maybe even at lunch if you are slow at work).

The next GAL thing I've been told to do is update my bucket list. Get a mix if big things that may never happen (e.g. African Safari) with realistic goals (e.g. learn to salsa dance). Then start doing it. For me, I've started going to a lot of concerts, which i havent done in years. Its fun to think about going, then reliving the memory. Find fun people to go with.

Also, go shopping for new, modern, stylish clothes to wear to work if you dont already dress modern. It will make you feel good.

Your right I need to start living my life again. Been wallowing to much lately. The gym side I've let slip but I do need to swap gyms as the wife is also a member of the same one. I'm actually thinking of starting running again in the evenings and also maybe taking my bicycle out. Might even sign up for antriathlon this year just to have a goal.

The clothes thing I already dress quite well and finds etc. But good shout re the bucket list although dont really havenone except playing certain golf courses. Managed to tick oakland hills off the list last year as I'm in Michigan every October for work. Have been invited to play whistling straits this year so might do that. Just can't commit to any financial stuff at the moment not until I know what I'm looking at re settlement. I'm trying to avoid the conversations with the w about this presently as I know what she wants and I know what I have to givenlegally it's just a bit of a grey area about her needs and her wants. Hopefully mediation will iron this all out.

[KevinIn]

Just need to start getting out a bit more and also start going back to the gym and start playing golf again

Followthe advice in this forum and Get A Life (GAL). You have two things decided already - gym and golf. Make it happen. Especially the gym - as frequently as you can (maybe even at lunch if you are slow at work).

The next GAL thing I've been told to do is update my bucket list. Get a mix if big things that may never happen (e.g. African Safari) with realistic goals (e.g. learn to salsa dance). Then start doing it. For me, I've started going to a lot of concerts, which i havent done in years. Its fun to think about going, then reliving the memory. Find fun people to go with.

Also, go shopping for new, modern, stylish clothes to wear to work if you dont already dress modern. It will make you feel good.

Your right I need to start living my life again. Been wallowing to much lately. The gym side I've let slip but I do need to swap gyms as the wife is also a member of the same one. I'm actually thinking of starting running again in the evenings and also maybe taking my bicycle out. Might even sign up for antriathlon this year just to have a goal.

The clothes thing I already dress quite well and finds etc. But good shout re the bucket list although dont really havenone except playing certain golf courses. Managed to tick oakland hills off the list last year as I'm in Michigan every October for work. Have been invited to play whistling straits this year so might do that. Just can't commit to any financial stuff at the moment not until I know what I'm looking at re settlement. I'm trying to avoid the conversations with the w about this presently as I know what she wants and I know what I have to givenlegally it's just a bit of a grey area about her needs and her wants. Hopefully mediation will iron this all out.

One thing that may be missing - group activities. Running and biking are great, but do it with a group. You need to be around new people. I love running, but i swapped it out for an exercise class like Crossfit so i'm around new people I can socialize with.