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Joined: Feb 2017
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dodog Offline OP
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A bit of a backslide this morning. W text saying she won't face time the kids but asked if they were ok, and are you staying at the house tonight? Instead of just saying yes they are fine I went and said yes etc etc bought this that and the other, making some dinner for the kids in slow cooker. And no I won't be here until Tuesday.
She replies saying lucky kids.
Me: there is enough for you as I'm eating out

I then get nothing back.

So I proceed with I know you despise me but a thank you wouldn't go a miss.

Then I send inseee you type me a message then you don't send it. Do you really hate me that much

Reply is I don't hate you and thank you( I thought I did sa that earlier)
Me: sorry no you don't hate me you feel sorry for me.
W: I'm not doing this it's not helpful.
M: sorry that was uncalled for. Have a ace flight back

Why do I do it. Been doing so well at nc and then just slip up thjnkjngbthag my w actually has some kind of heart inside her to actually acknowledge me doing something nice for her.

Back to going dark and nc.


Me:43
W:34
T10
M7
D-5 S-1
Dec16- w says we need mc
Jan 17- w doesn't commit to mc
Feb 17 - ea discovered Dec 16
D-day Feb 17- one night hook up
March 17 w wants out but won't file
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
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Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
We all have moments of weakness. Put it out of your head and move forward. I've been on the verge of slipping up all weekend. W hasn't tried to contact the kids at all, which is weird.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
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Posts: 8,855
Firstly you know this is mind reading.

You dont know her thoughts and it's controlling. Considering her response which I thought it was reasonable and ordinary.

These kinds of responses give great fuel to her justifications of behaviour.

Please detach, your emotions are dependent on any whimsy of hers. Not good.

And just a little more thought, this isn't NC, NC is like V pitch black, no contact by email, text, call, blocked on social media. All correspondence through court and L.

This is far from NC, almost as far as you can go.

Detach, please read Cadets opening thread and links.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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dodog Offline OP
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Ok so nc in my eyes is really limited contact. We have 2 children and not only that we work for the same company. Yes I know I need to detach and fornthe past 5 weeks all I have done is pursue. It's hard to detach but I know I must. I think having the boundaries in place re me having the kids at the house will give me a bit more stability and also know when I am free to do stuff. I am at the house from Tuesday till Thursday next week after today and then not back again until the following monday and Tuesday. So have a weekend of golf planned with buddies and staying at a buddies house and going out.

I wish I could just move out and get my own place but finances currently don't allow me to do that.

I don't want to lose my wife nor break up my family or sell our beautiful home but unless she does a dramatic uturn I feel that this will be the outcome. I know I have said stuff and done stuff which has resulted in this sitch but for my wife not even give us a chance to try and fix is the big I can't swallow


Me:43
W:34
T10
M7
D-5 S-1
Dec16- w says we need mc
Jan 17- w doesn't commit to mc
Feb 17 - ea discovered Dec 16
D-day Feb 17- one night hook up
March 17 w wants out but won't file
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
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V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Please don't leave the MH.

Let's think about self talk.

As in

I know I must
I don't want to
I need

Let's change that to

I can choose to


Beating yourself up isn't going to help you and creates resistance in you. Like a stern headmistress telling you to pull your socks up, you must work harder etc. Most of us rebel against such things. So one of the ways to detach is to say:

I choose to set boundaries whilst I am in the house. I am choosing not to move out at this time to keep my finances stable.

--------------------------------

Detaching, here is how I do it:

I observe any interaction, like a reporter for Time magazine. I watch me and my reaction as if I was that observing reporter, I watch the Giggalo (the obvious name plus giggle Oh) reaction and response in an interesting way.

These are referred to as first, second and third position. Position one me or you, position two, your W or the Giggalo and position three the Time Reporter (or fly on the wall).

When I observe as if I am the reporter it helps me detach, it's an art. My personal health and wellbeing improved enormously when I detached.

I recommend it.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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dodog Offline OP
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I understand what you are saying about the mh but I need to get away from her. We have an agreement of 2 nights a week and every other weekend. At first I said I was coming back and it will be separate rooms but it is such a horrible atmosphere I fear for my children. We don't ever argue and since she dropped the bomb all we seem to do is argue.

I want to spare my daughter the toxic mess that this is. My wife is cold hearted and I honestly can't be around her.

I will take the detachment on board not thiughtnof it like that. I'm in a hotel tonight then my brothers monday then back here till Thursday. I also work with my wife at the same company which also isn't ideal so at least having some time apart will give her a chance to miss me.


Me:43
W:34
T10
M7
D-5 S-1
Dec16- w says we need mc
Jan 17- w doesn't commit to mc
Feb 17 - ea discovered Dec 16
D-day Feb 17- one night hook up
March 17 w wants out but won't file
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Detaching isn't not being attached or even being unattached.

It is letting go of any outcome. Fine if yes, fine if no.of course you may have a preference, even a strong one which you can acknowledge to yourself.

And there may be an unlimited number of outcomes. They are fine and can be dealt with.

In a way I think of this as becoming attached to yourself, understanding acknowledging your own feelings and thoughts. Observing. Being still as thoughts and feelings go by like flotsam and jetsam on a river. Thought and feeling won't harm you, they are just for now. Observing means letting these go.

I like you want to protect your children to ensure their safety and wellbeing. I have enormous respect for you in this attitude, it is the measure of the father that you are.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
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And yes it's reduced contact.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 49
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dodog Offline OP
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So an update the wife has really peeved me off today. Just her whole attitude towards the children. I have said that we need to tell the eldest something rather than lying to her. Her response yes ok. So I'm like I think we should say that we are unhappy and we need sometime apart apart so daddy will
Be here on some days and mummy the ithers. To which she says no we should tell her the truth. She is 5 yrs old we are not going to have all of this finalised for months we allow a 5 yr old to have to go through it. She really does make my skin crawl. We don't even know what's happening yet about housing care etc so how do we answer question of stuff we don't know about. She is living is this big bubble and as long as she is ok every one will be fine.

I'm so angry I just to go over there and shake her until she actually see what's a f'ing mess she is making.

And all I keep hearing from her is that this is best for the children nonlkve this is what is best for you.

So from this point forward I'm looking after number 1 I know what I have to give her in settlement by law everything else she is going to have to fight for. She plays this port helpsless soul walking around trying to get sympathy and she is a cernivkng little b***ch.


Me:43
W:34
T10
M7
D-5 S-1
Dec16- w says we need mc
Jan 17- w doesn't commit to mc
Feb 17 - ea discovered Dec 16
D-day Feb 17- one night hook up
March 17 w wants out but won't file
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
Originally Posted By: dodog
So an update the wife has really peeved me off today. Just her whole attitude towards the children. I have said that we need to tell the eldest something rather than lying to her. Her response yes ok. So I'm like I think we should say that we are unhappy and we need sometime apart apart so daddy will
Be here on some days and mummy the ithers. To which she says no we should tell her the truth. She is 5 yrs old we are not going to have all of this finalised for months we allow a 5 yr old to have to go through it.


Did you send Cristy from DB an email about Michelle's article on telling kids? It was on your thread a few pages back. I emailed her that day and got the article this morning. It is useful.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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