First time post feeling lost and confused

[Coconut]

Do dog... I am impressed with your strength, I personally think your doing great staying away from her to get yourself straight...

Your absolutely right that staying away from kids for 12 days isn't going to hurt them.. Find your strength, go on your work trip, then go home and be there for your children...

Don't kid yourself about your pros and cons list about staying with her, your kids are reason enough to give every effort to saving your marriage, and you need to try. But you don't need to give yourself up to do so, she's going to have the most work to do to save the M, for now you just need to remain strong and validate her feelings about your issues, don't have to agree, but they are her feelings so they are real.

[dodog]

Thank me everyone but i honestly think that there is no going back with my wife. I'm now back at the marital home mon Tuesday and every other weekend and she is not going to be there. We have mediation starting in 6 weeks and the house will be going on the market one we can agree terms of the settlement. I reckon I have 4 months before it is all going to be down in writing. I have 5 months to file for divorce under adultery. Life is tough at the moment. I don't even know if I could ever trust her again. My head is so confused I'm suffering from not sleeping properly. Just need to detach gal and move on with or without her. I've done with the chase it's now time for me to take the reigns. I am doing loads of stuff to the hkusemover the next few days so it is ready to go on the market. I just don't know if she will snap out of this fog but I can't wait around and see. She is from a broken family so she knows that the children will be ok as she and her siblings were. What's worse is that her mum and dad still spend christmas's together after 20 yrs both remarried but are both very big Christian's so I think she she's that and thinks that it will be ok.

[dodog]

So spent today doing loads of unfinished jobs around the house. The wife is skiing in France with a gf. Had a black moment last night and blocked all of her family on fbook and her and then realised that wasn't wise so I had to unblock her and send a new deism request. She did accept it but questioned it this morning whilst face timing the children. She has sent me 2 texts today just asking about the children. One word answers back from me. My brother has been here all day and to be honest he has been a rock. Trying to keep my spirits up saying the house is just bricks and mortar you will be fine. You are the 2nd most hasdaome bloke he knows (figure who he thinks is the first) you have a great job and you will have so much fun on tinder......

Sitting here trying to to fbook stalk the wife I have unfollowed her so I now don't see all the pictures she is putting up probably from her ski trip. I know that this marriage is almost over. I feel so sorry for my kids 1&5. My eldest keeps asking about cam we go swimming and can we do this or that. I just play dumb to her. I have both children at the same time and rules in the uk prohibit mentaling 2 inexperienced swimmers at the same time. Have another day tomorrow working on the house and our first mediation meeting in 2 weeks. I know what she wants regarding settlement and to be honest it's not as much as she probably can get if she pushed through solicitors but I need to make sure that she doesn't think I'm just going to roll over. She trying to bully me into this. I know what I want rebthe children 2 day a week and every other weekend. It's just the days that she doesn't seem to be budging on. I want mondays and Tuesday and then Saturday morning through to monday morning but she says that a four day stretch eveybither week is too long. So she wants Friday night throughntill Sunday and then Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The real reason is that then she can go out on a Friday and a Saturday night. I think talking to the mediator that this could take a few months to get sorted. 2-3 meetings re children then 3-4 meetings re finances. And they say each meeting tonne 2-3 weeks apart. Not sure about putting the house on the market until we have something in place regarding the equity. No point putting off potential buyers. Really need to tell the rldestbsomething thiughas so far we have made up lies as to why I'm not around. I think it is going to be along the lines of mummmy and daddy need some time apart to figure stuff out. Daddy will be here 2 nights and week and every other weekend an dmummy will be here the rest of the time.

Any advice on what to tell a 5 yr old about separating would be gratefully received.

[WillDo]

It is not over until it is over.

I don't think you need to say anything to your children yet. They need you. Spend time with them more and more. Look up on the internet for games you can play with them. Do something different. Cook with them. Sing with them.

Do you want to file divorce under adultery? Or do you want to save your marriage?

Make changes and focus on yourself.

[dodog]

I want to save this marriage I think but the more she keeps telling people we are divorcing the harder I think it is going to be. She is a very stubborn person. She seems hell bent in breaking up this family, even told me to just move on like she is. I'm now not even contacting her. One word answers and today in face time with the kids I didn't interact with her one bit. If I don't instigate conversations then it's going to be easier for me to detach. Like I said I don't think anything i do will change situation so I'm moving on with or without her.

[KevinIn]

I want to save this marriage I think but the more she keeps telling people we are divorcing the harder I think it is going to be. She is a very stubborn person. She seems hell bent in breaking up this family, even told me to just move on like she is. I'm now not even contacting her. One word answers and today in face time with the kids I didn't interact with her one bit. If I don't instigate conversations then it's going to be easier for me to detach. Like I said I don't think anything i do will change situation so I'm moving on with or without her.

This sounds like something i would write. Verbatim. Same situation as me.

I can relate to the stubborn wife intent on breaking up the marriage.

I will say that I've made her crack a few times, where she momentarily may have questioned herself. Each time it was by using 180 techniques from my DB coach.

I'll have to follow you, since our wives are clearly in the same state of mind.

Good luck and stay strong.

[dodog]

Hi, thanks for your support. I'm in the uk so db coaching is not really practical. I will continue to use the books and be as polite as possible but as I said unless she actually starts missing me I don't see any road back.

She is back from skiing Sunday and then I'm going to stay in a hotel for the night then she is away on business Tuesday till Thursday. We actually work for the same company so intrybtonavoid her as much as possible. She is telling people at work that it's over and knowing her I'm not sure if she would back down and say that we are going to give it another go. She says she doesn't see a future with me. I spoke with her about separation and her reply was ok fine I will move out not pay the mortgage and want help with the rent. I said ok well let's discuss it but I would like to do councilling but that was met with a reply of I'm not doing councilling I don't love you, I don't want to be with you. I'm moving on I suggest you do the same.

Broken man is the best way to describe me currently

[Laowai]

Dodog,
I heard a lot of these same things and made a lot of the standard mistakes. It took me a LONG time to start listening to the advice here to detach and severely limit contact. I can say that after a few months of following this advice though, my WW started changing some. She started asking why I didn't want to be a part of her life, asking could we re-establish a friendship, realizing that she was going to COMPLETELY lose me forever. Now, with all of this said she still hasn't discontinued her A with OM so I am in no way interested in moving forward with her, but I just want you to have another perspective. I will say that what I have learned and found from all of this is that I am not so sure NOW that I will even want to move forward with her if she does drop OM. It's truly amazing what detaching can do for your objectivity.

[Cristy]

Any advice on what to tell a 5 yr old about separating would be gratefully received.

Hello dodog,

Michele has an excellent article regarding telling the kids. I'm happy to send it to you via email.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.

We have many, many people from the UK that benefit from working with a DB Coach. Hopefully they will chime in and share their experience.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[dodog]

Any advice on what to tell a 5 yr old about separating would be gratefully received.

Hello dodog,

Michele has an excellent article regarding telling the kids. I'm happy to send it to you via email.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.

We have many, many people from the UK that benefit from working with a DB Coach. Hopefully they will chime in and share their experience.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Yes please send you have my email address d*******[e-mail]