So here's my story Been married for 7 years together for 10. 2 children 5&1. I have found out that my wife has been having an ea since December and this resulted in a one off meeting where she committed adultery. She says that our marriage is over and that she has been unhappy for 2-3 years and that she is spent. She has tried to love me but she no longer has those feelings for me. She I her words has checked out..
In January we were not getting on and I said look this can't continue and she said that she was feeling smothered and she needed space and wanted me to move out so she could figure things out. She also suggested counciling. I agreed to move out but this was very hard I missed my kids so much that are my world so came back home after a week. Counciling didn't go to well for her she was reluctant to open up and all of the things she said I needed to do I acted upon and tried to change. It seemed to be a box ticking exercise. Then I noticed she was being funny with her phone taking it everywhere. I confronted her if she was doing anything that if I was she would be hurt by she said no then the following week has this night with the op. I found out about it the following day as her iPad displayed a message that didn't make sense. I confronted her and she admitted to adultery.
Infidelity has always been a deal breaker for both of us her parents divorced due to affairs when she was only 8.
I have done all the things I shouldn't have done I have begged pleased followed her round etc. I am now doing no contact.
My wife I believe is actually suffering from depression. We moved into our dream home 3 yrs ago to be close to her mum. Her mum moved about 12 months ago and this devastated her. I tried to get her to speak to her about it but she wouldn't as it would change anything. She never wanted to return to work after our second child. Our newborn is a handful always on the go and had a few scares when he was very small. She also has a lot of hidden issues about her childhood which the c did start looking into but the reaction my wife had to this shaking and crying the c stepped back. Back in November she joking a direct marketing company and through herself into it by doing live videos every night for weeks. This then stops and then see has the ea. this I have been told has stopped and now she is focusing on us with the idea of divorcing.
She is rewriting the history of our marriage by saying that she thought buying our house would bring us closer together, having our youngest would bring us closer together.
She says that she can't see a future with me.
I know I haven't been the best husband I do tend to put myself first, I may have lost sight of our marriage but she has never mentioned once that she was unhappy and now drops the i want out bomb without even trying.
I really don't know what to do. Today is our 7 wedding anniversary and I'm feeling pretty low. I'm trying the nc apart from the children and I need to gal which I will still try to do but it is so hard.
I don't even know what I want this is still so raw as it is only 3 weeks ago. I know that I have so many times under my breath if we didn't have kids but now that I am staring at it I really don't know if I should fight for her or give up.
If it is depression then going by the time scales for things she does then it seems to be 6-8!weeks cycles that she throws herself into things then it stops.
I am currently out of the family home as I just need to gather my thoughts in in the uk so no issue of abandonment and I have a view of moving back full time in 2-3 weeks (business trip coming up)
I'm just at a crossroads I really am I don't know which way to turn. I know I need to detach but I'm in limbo I hate it.
Some advice would be greatly received. I am reading dr currently and do have db to read but the attitude she currently has I feel that there is no way of saving this
Me:43 W:34 T10 M7 D-5 S-1 Dec16- w says we need mc Jan 17- w doesn't commit to mc Feb 17 - ea discovered Dec 16 D-day Feb 17- one night hook up March 17 w wants out but won't file
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Focus on becoming the best dodog that only a fool would leave. Make these changes for yourself and your children.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Be more present and get involved with your kids. Do some of the housework. Take your 5 year old to school. Cut down on your working hours. As they say work on yourself. She will see the change. An affair is a symptom. Focus on the root cause.
Everything will be ok. Visualise what you want.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
dodog - welcome. wish we weren't here, but thankfully you found DB much quicker than I did.
My wife also has the "it can't be saved" attitude. Only time will tell, but i'm making changes for myself that maybe she'll get to enjoy one day. And i'm finding 180 opportunities whenever I can. I do see that patience is super important. this won't change overnight, in a few days, over a few weeks, but in months.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
dodog - Her rewriting history is common when they are in their wayward mindset. Your first action really needs to be moving back into your home. You won't be able to save a marriage if you are not there. If she is the one that wants space validate her feelings and let her be the one to get that space on her own. Don't make it easy for her to continue her A. What she is doing is cake eating. I encourage you to move back into the home at the very least.
- M:32 and WW:31 D4 - Married 5 years, 11 years together - ilybinilwy 9/28 EA Confirmed + request for divorce - 10/16 Affair ended - 10/28 WW wants to reconcile after I agree on divorce - Current - Piecing
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you for all your kind words. I am planning on moving back in a couple of weeks. Next week in in Asia for business. I have been in no contact for 2 days and she sent me a message earlier asking if I was going to see the children Friday (fly Saturday) I said no and I get well that's nice you obviously don't miss the children then. Didn't reply but wanted to. Me not seeing the children for 12 days is nothing compared to what your actions are going to do to them. I just need to try and detach from her. I getting g better at it and I want to be able to move back where I can be a 100% committed dad. But at the moment it is too difficult to be around her. I also feel that she wants me back Friday so she can go out. I'm not an oncall babysitter. I love my kids and I miss them dearly but 12 days isn't going to damage them. I will be returning home the following week as she is away skiing with a gf and then in a business trip. That's when I will be moving back full time under the same roof as her. I don't trust her as far as I can kick her so I will not be allowing her anytime alone on our home to do whatever she likes. The house needs to be de cluueees and stuff ready for it to go on the market. I wanted to try and see if we could work this out but it's only bricks and Mortor and we can always pull out if things turn around. But to be honest afbyhe moment she isn't giving me much reason to think we can. I don't even know if I want to I am making a list reason to stay reasons not too and at the leone time the stay list is rather light. So looking forward to getting this trip started 6 days of no stresses and no reason to see her or talk to her.
Me:43 W:34 T10 M7 D-5 S-1 Dec16- w says we need mc Jan 17- w doesn't commit to mc Feb 17 - ea discovered Dec 16 D-day Feb 17- one night hook up March 17 w wants out but won't file
Sorry about the typos on my phone and don't seem to find out how I can edit a message
Me:43 W:34 T10 M7 D-5 S-1 Dec16- w says we need mc Jan 17- w doesn't commit to mc Feb 17 - ea discovered Dec 16 D-day Feb 17- one night hook up March 17 w wants out but won't file
