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Hey mleigh4. Happy New Year to you!

I don't think I have posted on your thread before but I felt compelled to after reading about your relationship with your H. My H also spent time with us over Christmas and New Year as a family and I know a lot of people would say it was cake eating on his part however it really made our Christmas to spend it all together. Although he slept in our spare room he came in to my room on Christmas morning so D could open her stocking presents on the bed as she had always done.

Christmas Eve was the first time that H had stayed over since he left in May and this was a real breakthrough. Although we spent NY Eve apart he took us out to lunch on NY day and then stayed over that evening too. My H has also agreed that staying over more often may help towards rebuilding our relationship. Just taking baby steps at the moment.

I hear you on the anger and resentment when H is not around, it's exactly the same for me. When I'm not with him I spin badly and just before Christmas and NY we argued a bit over text but when he came over you would never have known!

I've told him that my goal for next year is for us to be back together at Christmas because we spent so much of it together anyway!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hi Coly, thank you for stopping by and posting.

Many times over the years I have been told to handle things differently, to not allow H to cake eat. And I do understand why, they need to suffer the consequences of their choices, I totally get it. I have tried many times to cut the ties and never seem able to completely do that. Through trial and error, I have pulled back enough to where H spends most of his time without us, and I rarely initiate texting, but if he reaches out to join us, or to talk with me, I do it. I feel I have found a balance of him having to live his choices and us all still being able to remain a family of sorts.

I truly believe when H is alone, he is very alone. I sense him missing many things about us, and that to me is important.

You will need to do what works for you, and every sitch on here is different. If it feels right, and you are able to forego expectations, you should be ok. Bottom line, go with your gut.

On another note, I forgot to mention some changes I see in the ever evolving H.

The good: he seems a bit more open and honest about random things. He gets physically close to me often, even sitting next to me with arms or legs touching. It's a far cry from the repulsion I used to receive. He is very thankful when we spend time together and always leaves with a hug. He is complimenting me more.

The bad: he still shows a lot of bitterness. Lots of talk about the government, the state of California and the country as a whole. He feels they all want to control everything we do. He is almost a bit racist sounding at times and critical of others. He said he joined the NRA to join in the fight over gun control. He insists it's not the guns, it's the people. Well duh, this is why S and I are uncomfortable around strangers with guns in their hands. Now, H has never been very political, so this stuff is new. He went on a few rants, but I just stay quiet. At one point I suggested for him to move somewhere else? With a smile of course smile

Yesterday he wanted to take us to the firing range, again with this! S and I both declined nicely. He said fine, never mind since we are scared of guns, he would call his dad to go because he has been wanting to. Brilliant idea!! Go with someone who wants to instead of pushing us! I just told him good idea.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I think the balance you have formed with him over the years is about as good as anyone in this thing can get, you handle it all with style and grace without allowing him to get you spinning out of balance. You are definitely a rock and a great example of how to deal with this crazy.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Cripes, M ... sounds like my wasband...

I think you do a fine job. I don't feel like he's cake eating. You're living your life and keeping the door ajar. You also have a young boy who needs his dad.

xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi there friends,

I think of you all so often. I don't have a whole lot to update.

The weather has been crazy for us spoiled Californians! We have finally had a true winter here. Power outages, flooding and downed trees. I luckily live on a hill, so no flooding for me, but my garbage cans got washed down the street! I actually reported them stolen until I figured out what happened! Lol

Then this morning we had an earthquake. It woke me up and was loud, so I popped out of bed and running down the hall to S yelling don't worry, I'm right here! Ran in his room and he was sound asleep! Lol we had a good laugh about that one.

H lives right beneath one of the dams that is overflowing. It has already been in need of retrofitting for years, so it's a bit nerve wracking for me when S stays there, but I just have to believe the worst won't happen. So far the flooding from it has gone downstream from his home.

S 10th birthday is coming up this weekend. I have a fun party planned OUTSIDE of home, which I am so grateful S wanted. The last couple of home parties wore me out! He continues to thrive and do well in school, my baby is showing signs of growing up, and I am graciously stepping back when he wants, and open arms when he wants. I am so proud of my kid and just love him so much it's overwhelming at times.

The 3 of us went on our snow trip this week that we had planned over the holidays. We rented a beautiful home on Lake Tahoe, we loved it! It was quite the adventure as we went during one of our crazy storms. We had a few things planned, but because of the weather, pretty much just relaxed! I never have a problem with that, but we did play in the snow too. So much snow!!!

During the trip, H was social, getting very close to me many times, even slept with S and I, all 3 of us in 1 bed. Those are always nice times, but there is no spark or affection. One little tantrum he had....when we got there, he walked into the huge master bedroom with his things and said he wanted that room. S and I both laughed out no way, we call that room. He got a little huffy and took his things to another room. I told him we were joking, it's plenty big for all of us, but he continued to keep his things in another room and used a different bathroom. He did come in to sleep with us each night.

The trip was a little of an eye opener for me. He seems so immature to me....or maybe I have just grown? He broke into the homeowners locked cabinets, by figuring out their code on their locks. He was so proud, but I was a bit appalled? He just had to know what they had locked up.

During an almost blizzard, I tend to be a bit skittish, I expressed concern that we have no flashlights. He said don't worry, I have one in my truck. I said, oh, maybe we should bring it in so we have it handy. He again said, he can find it in the dark. I finally said, H, you know me pretty well, and you know what a relief it would be for me to have that flashlight right here where I can grab it, so why wouldn't you just want to do something nice to make someone feel better? He made a big production of turning off all the lights in the house, used his cell phone as a flashlight, and brought me the flashlight, he just had to prove his point. We both did all this in a joking manner, and S laughed through it all too, but sometimes he just drives me crazy.

He messed with his phone the majority of the time driving, which I politely asked him to stop doing several times, at one point driving myself so he could play with his dumb phone. Is that really smart during rain and snow?

One last eye opener to mention during this trip. I have a subscription to Hulu, so we used his computer to log in and watch some shows and told him he is welcome to use it anytime. He exclaimed, I should get Netflix, then we can share! I said good idea....then a very loud voice in my head said...What are you doing!!?? I keep hearing this voice now, over and over. What AM I doing?

I don't see H and I getting back together. It's pretty clear this man has not grown up, continues to live his life around himself, and who knows if that will ever change? I didn't want this, there was a time I was willing to do ANYTHING to work this out. Even though we have our differences, I was willing to accept him for him and find ways to work around those differences. But now? Why would I do that for someone who left me and continues to live his life on his own selfish terms? He has let me free and I am letting go more and more each day. My progress to let go has been just about as slow as a MLC'ER! But I have done my best and I think my pace works best for me. At this point I would be settling with H, selling myself short. All my life I have fallen for boys, failed R after another. My next R will be with a man. And no less.

I don't hope to hear from H, I don't hope to see H, I am feeling a bit over it all! I am not saying he is terrible, he shows thoughtfulness at times, like telling me not to fret about the expensive trip, he paid 1/2. He bought us food, took us to the jelly belly factory tour, offers dinner out, even continues to invite me to the shooting range....it's just....I don't know. Spending time with someone as a friend, who you were married to, shared life and death with, shared intimacy with, and who now treats you like any other person....it's just getting old for me. It's a constant reminder that we are no longer together. It's become quite the buzzkill.

On another note, my cousin who lives in town seems to be going through his own MLC. It's textbook really. He is 48. He has come to the decision with my aunt to sell their small business, which she has wanted to do forever but he wasn't ready. He is going to rent out his home and move to Mexico with his partner to enjoy a much cheaper life with the rent money he earns here in the expensive bay area. He is growing out his hair, which he has shaved for over 10 years. He is like a different person but in a good way. He says it's like everything has become clear and he is ready to enjoy life and be happy. He is constantly checking in with me and letting me know how much he cares about me. We had a nice dinner the other night where he got so emotional he welled up in the restaurant and after, told me I am truly one of his best friends. He used to be negative, bitter and angry....I don't know who this guy is but I am fascinated by the changes. He says there is so much stuff swirling around in his head that he is overwhelmed and can't sleep, that he has this overwhelming need for change. I am just being a good listener and a good friend to him, we shall see how his spin turns out.

So anyway, overall I am doing very well. I have really come to like myself again and like my life. I keep busy and continue to show the people I love that I am here for them. My fur babies are well and their love fills me up. I continue to laugh at myself often, I can be a bit quirky, and tend to make others laugh as well. I love people, I love life and I look forward to living it each day. I exercise, eat well and look and feel great. H is becoming just another life lesson, but I have learned so much from it!

Wishing you all well and I hope each passing day brings you some peace.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I am so happy to hear an update from you M.

I agree with the B-day party ... away from home is the way to go, no mess ... once its over you just pack up the gifts and go!!

As far as your MLCr, seems there is no change.... I read a similar story was actually the W who reminded me of your H, very slow to wake and come out of the fog but was not the 'monster/cheating' type either. I think you are handling this just perfectly if there is such a thing and I do hope you continue on the way you have. You are absolutely an inspiration.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Hi Cali, great to hear from you! Your S is turning 10 himself, right? Such a funny age. Growing up but still young.

Thank you so much for your compliment, I don't feel like much of an inspiration. In fact, I feel a bit of an idiot sometimes. But, I wouldn't change my pace or way of doing things, not until I am ready. Baby steps.

The one and only thing that continues to spin in my head, is, what is his motive? Why wanting to spend time with me? Is it JUST about S? Is it his selfishness for a family fix? Or is it, like my instincts say, the "let's see if this turns into anything" zone? Not sure but trying really hard to just keep moving forward as I am. Don't be surprised if I finally voice those questions to H.

This weekend a few things really stood out to me that it was time to change. I closed the joint credit card, closed the joint checking account, and changed the last couple of bills into my name. Felt great!

Next, changing the Beni to my son instead of H on my stock accounts. I have hesitated on those for three years, then all of a sudden, poof, I am ready. Funny how that happens.

Cali, I hope all is well with you and Happy Birthday to your sweet S smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
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Just reread my post and I sound like a meanie so let me clarify, the accounts I closed have not been used by H since BD. He told me to close them then, but I left them open in hopes we would use them again. I closed them for ME. I'm tired of seeing his name on everything.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hi mleigh,
I don't think you sounded like a meanie at all. Just someone who is making changes for you and your life. I am working on those few bits and bobs as well, just like you.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
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You don't sound like a meanie at all. What you are doing about the accounts is the responsible thing to do, as well as changing the one account and putting your son's name on it. After all, you don't know what your h will or will not do. You've been living the life of a single person for quite some time and it's been time to change things over to your name.

As for your h, who knows why he wants to spend time w/you. It could be any number of reasons, but I wouldn't think twice about it. If the contact doesn't bother you then, continue...but if you find that his presence is starting to annoy you, then limit the contact.

BTW, he's not moved one inch for quite some time. He's quite comfortable where he's at and most likely won't budge unless something changes in his life.

I also agree that it's very wise to have your son's party outside the home. Less headaches all the way around.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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