It's been a while...hope you and your fur babies are okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job - Thank you so much for checking. Yes we're all doing well. Things relevant to this forum continue to be quiet. I continue to find joy and light every day and my life, while very different than I might have imagined it to be a year ago is quite good even if it has also taken some unusual twists.
Thinking good thoughts of you and of your kindness and keeping good wishes for all of my friends here. I wander by from time to time to check on people but have little to say here these days.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi everyone. It's been a while since my last actual update so I thought I would since something may or may not be happening and because some interesting (to me) stuff will be happening. Most of this is just the usual rambling, reflective and rather lengthy nonsense but there is a question at the bottom as a reward for anyone with the patience to read through or the cleverness to know how to scroll.
First for the most important news. I found my garbage can lid! It took about 2 months and an extremely unusually warm spell here which is still going on but I found it the other day in front of my neighbour’s house and in the opposite direction from where the can went. No clue as to how / why it ended up there but I’m glad that I found it.
Also, before I get into the meat of this post, an house-keeping tip for those of us LBS who are wanting to put that extra “shine” on their houses. Other than one friend, none of the other “housewives” I’ve talked to know this although a chemist friend that I talked to gave me a “doesn’t everyone know this” look. I was reading an article on the chemistry of stains (yes my life is that exciting) a while ago and decided to try an experiment. I got some laundry stain remover with an “oxy” formulation that was designed for red wine stains etc. Putting my teapot and mugs in the sink I put a bit of this powder into them and then added hot water which makes the chemistry a bit more – ahem – active. After a while the accumulated stains just lifted off and wiped away. There was a residue left behind so some careful regular washing was required. Recently I tried this on the baked in stain on my cooktop, sprinkling some powder on it and then adding enough boiling water to make a paste. Let it sit for about 10 minutes and then with some light scrubbing with a paper towel – shining again. For those who care, the “oxy” stands for oxalic acid and the other ingredients include surfactants (yes I work in the chemical bus) that help lift the stain. These products are not intended for food contact so thorough cleaning after is definitely called for. If you want to have your house look nicer than it did when your spouse was caring for it or if you just like things to look nice I suggest giving it a try. The potion involved is rather caustic so the wearing of gloves is highly recommended. I always remember sometime after when I’m wondering where I put the hand lotion.
Today’s musical selection is “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” by Travis Tritt. My days have been trending up and even though it probably sounds horrible – the cats tend to leave the room – I am indeed singing more and more. Just like in the song, I find that I am joyful many days and more and more getting comfortable being alone and in my own skin. I have done the “fall-apart rabbit” (bonus points for getting the reference without google) thing a few times but generally because I get overwhelmed by how so very kind people are and how much is open to me now. I do get down as well occasionally knowing that STBX is gone and that the joy that I see in front of me will never be shared with her. A bit more on that farther down.
Originally Posted By: Travis Tritt
And it's a great day to be alive I know the sun's still shining When I close my eyes There's some hard times in the neighborhood But why can't every day be just this good ..... Sometimes it's lonely, sometimes it's only me And the shadows that fill this room Sometimes I'm falling, desperately calling Howling at the moon
I’ve been planning on posting this update for a few days and so have been giving it some thought. For those earlier along on this journey than me it probably seems like what happened just came unexpectedly out of the blue. It certainly felt like that for me. Looking back though there was an oppressive gloom that had been building in our marriage for at least a few years before the bombs dropped. Now that she’s gone and isn’t coming back the sun is indeed having a chance to shine and I realize now how much of a fog she had been casting over me for quite some time. I have to watch myself though because I also wonder at times how much history I myself have been re-writing. Just because I am writing this and believe myself to be sane and rational doesn’t mean that I actually am. My IC told me once though that because I am regularly questioning myself and my actions that I am not in any real danger of going off to Fairy Princess Land myself. I do know myself to be impulsive though and I have always been and so I keep a close watch on myself and only allow myself to do smaller impulsive things.
I have been more and more open to people about the fact that I am now essentially single and will mention that STBX “ran off” and that I am confused as to why. People have been universally kind. To satisfy the gossips here, yes, I did indeed ask the very nice lady at the flower shop out some time after I sent my “I’m done”. No – it was not based on any romantic fantasy etc. She is a nice person and I’ve been worried for some time that I was letting a chance to get to know her better slip away. I believe that you need to reach your hand out and open that door when opportunity knocks on it or it will pass you by whether you are “ready” for it or not. She was very kind and it seems that I indeed have a “nice guy but …”. I checked in the mirror and yes it does indeed look pretty darned good these days. It was phrased in a “not at this time” way and she was very kind so perhaps that door may be knocked on again. She has my coordinates and I still go in every week for my roses and our interactions are no different now than they were before. The colleague who I went out for Valentines dinner with has made a point of mentioning how much fun she had and suggested we do it again. Another colleague has made a point of suggesting that I come down to visit her and “hang out” and has made a number of comments on how she doesn’t think that I’ll be single for long. If I wanted to, I could read a lot of narrative into all of this which is tempting but I try not to. It does make me feel very good to know that some very nice women, some of whom have known me for quite a lot of years think highly of me and find me to be someone that they would want to spend time with at least socially. I was so very isolated in my marriage that I honestly felt that I was only attractive to STBX and only minimally at that. I’d also like to mention that Westo’s comments here about it being a pity that I lived so far away made me feel very good too. She strikes me as a very kind person with a broad sense of humour. It is too bad indeed that it is so difficult for us to connect in real life but it is safer that way too.
I’m taking a week off shortly and will be going down to visit D24 and her H in Norfolk for my birthday. I’m really looking forward to it and getting quite excited. I’m also going to be taking down the last of her stuff that she left here along with my rings and a few other mementoes that I don’t want around me but that are part of her heritage. I also have a shopping list of Canadian snacks etc that she can’t get here. Hopefully a single guy driving across the border in a car filled with misc boxes, enough snack food for a siege and headed to one of the largest naval bases in the US won’t be suspicious at all I’m leaving on the anniversary of BD1 and will have to work hard on not focusing on that while I drive. I have an overnight stop on the way down in Maryland (Hi job!) and will be stopping by Goddard for a tour when they open in the morning the next day before heading on. There’s a new art exhibit at Goddard that I want to check out along with the rockets and space stuff. They have a bunch of souvenirs that have a motto on them saying “I need more space” or some such. I thought about picking up one for STBX but that would just be cruel. I’m going to spend a couple of days with the kids and then take 2 days to head back home stopping in Pennsylvania overnight and getting a dose of Americana.
As far as STBX goes, I really have no clue what she’s up to or doing. Other than the email when she drained much of the savings account and made threatening noises at me in mid-January I’ve neither heard nor seen anything. I’ve stopped paying attention to her Facebook feed for some time now but did pop my head over the wall a few weeks ago and there’s nothing seeming to be happening. Very few posts and little indication of what she’s up to in her life. A huge contrast still to pre-bd when she was always keeping the world up to date on her latest adventures. There was one check-in at a local hockey game with a childhood friend who lives locally but that she had disconnected from previously – perhaps rebuilding her friend circle independent of her old life as some vets suggest happens. The same hockey team that she and OM would go to see all the time. One of the reasons for this “update” is that hopefully as of yesterday she has finally signed the papers to take her name off of the joint car insurance. It had taken my/our broker about a month to get her to do this. I just left it in his hands after sending him the original email with a CC to STBX saying that I needed separate insurance and that whatever she wanted was up to her. In talking to the broker he seemed very frustrated with her and very sympathetic to me. One of many instances where seemingly random people have been so very kind.
One of the warning flags that I’d read about here that in hindsight (or history re-writing) stands out is how STBX was so very afraid I think of mortality. She refused to ever talk about what her wishes would be whenever I would bring it up whereas I was always very clear. She was OK with talking about me being dead, but not herself. I do think that she was terrified finding and having to deal with my body though. Odd that she ran off with a man who is at least 10 years older. Even though she always claimed to be very keen on becoming a grandmother I don’t know. I would refer to the kid’s cats as my “grand-kittens” and myself as their “grandpa” but she never would for herself coming up with a fairly bizarre word. Again though – how much of this is me re-writing the past to fit the narrative of a typical MLC. I know it is reassuring to us LBS to think that our spouses have “affaired-down” I do wonder about that. I can certainly see that happening if someone is desperate to fill a “need” but I don’t think that happened here. I also think (I really need to stop mind-reading) that may be why it’s not working out for her. She didn’t go out looking, he did. Two needy people who bonded. In the early days of limerence she did some stupid things and got sucked in. Perhaps he saw who she really is and pulled away and backed off from making good on the commitments he did previously. He’s an established businessman with grown kids taking over the business and numerous grandchildren. It certainly looked in December that she was chasing madly after him after being apart from him for some time. She then perhaps stupidly posted a picture of her car in front of his house which then ended me as her plan B.
Having read more than a few of the stories on here although I confess that I don’t follow along with any of the newcomers and just keep half an eye on old friends (“Hi Westo/Coly/Altair/LouR etc etc”) I wonder at times if we are causing ourselves confusion by putting the MLC label on something that may be more complex. A regular question / comment is “my spouse is too young / old for a MLC”. I wonder perhaps if this is more a factor of depression and a particular personality type. Again, I may be reading something into what is not there but many of the warning signs that STBX shows I see in S22. Depression, not dealing with things in front of him, refusal to think about the future and just being “lost”. I worry a lot about him. He and I were supposed to go on the grand adventure to see D24 but recently when we were out he had me pull over and told me that he couldn’t come and was having panic attacks just thinking about it. I have no idea why and I didn’t ask and just hugged him while he cried and told him that he was far more important to me than any trip and that it was all ok. I don’t know how to reach him nor how to help him but am a “lighthouse” for him I hope if he seeks shelter from the storms.
I really don’t know what is going on with STBX. I’m going through my “list” giving her back her car keys via my/our PO box, disconnecting her from Netflix, getting separate car insurance. All of her crap is still in the front porch and there’s no sign of her getting any of it and I have my doubts that she's done any of the things I've asked of her that I can't do myself such as giving me back my own keys or getting her name off my utility bills. I could put down her draining the savings as a re-active action after my “I’m done” letter and very angry phone-call. The almost complete lack of reaction from me has probably allowed her to sink back into the fog. With that said I am being very careful because you never know what sort of monsters may be lurking in the fog while I sail along in the sunshine.
This brings me to the question. I have an hour with my lawyer booked for the end of March. I’m going to review the history of my sitch with her along with my list of items that take me to D. The key two pieces of advice that I am looking for are to ask if my list is reasonable and legally appropriate and also what my options are if as I expect that STBX will not drive this bus in the direction that I want it to go (simple settlement, part ways amicably). Is there anything else I should be asking?
Anyhoo – probably more than enough for now. I do swing by here every day or so even though I don’t post / read much any more. I am grateful to MWD and the team of moderators and of course my fellow companions on this journey for this forum and for your kindness and support. Time for me to get my banking and grocery shopping organized and of course picking up my fresh roses.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well, I've stopped sobbing now and I've finally composed myself after reading your post. I'm not sure what set me off. Your intelligence, eloquence, honesty,I don't know.
Maybe it was the question of asking if we LBS's rewrite our own marital history? I'm wondering that too. Was our marriages really that happy? I don't know now!
I'm glad my comment made you' feel good'. That has put a big grin on my face.
They say be the person the WAS would be mad to leave.......
I believe your wife is indeed mad. Take care lovely man.
What you wrote about your son is heartbreaking. I fear similar issues with my kids, although it's a bit too early to tell (they're young). So much of mental health is both nature and nurture ....
I will keep wondering about you, so do post updates now and again, however mundane.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I'm sorry to hear of your Son's issues. It must be very frightening for him to be going through this and also for you to see your own child suffering. It's also must be very hard to not have your W by your side helping to support him. I can't remember if you said whether he has had professional help?
I think your right about your W's knee jerk reaction to you saying you are done when she cleared out your savings. It's very frustrating and strange to see how time slows down for them after the all the urgency at BD.
As FG said, keep coming back every now and again to update us AP. I am very much like you at the moment. Although I read a lot I am not journaling so much anymore. I just feel like I am going around in circles and breaking every DB rule in the book!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
dream! Do we have some sort of cosmic harmony going? This is yet another time that you have poked your head up just when I had something to say.
So - things are happening(ish). First and most importantly "Happy Birthday to Me!" - sig line updated.
To try to put some things in chronological order.
- Feb 28 - get email from STBX asking if she can stop by on Mar 2nd to pick up her stuff from the front porch. I email an OK and let her know that I'll be out of the country visiting D24 on my birthday the week after.
- Mar 1st STBX emails to let me know that she won't be picking everything up due to logistical issues with a trailer.
- Mar 2nd STBX comes by with 2 female (I think - camera was blurry) friends who move out 80% of the stuff that was packed up. She spends about 45 minutes in the house and does wander around. I had left the phone with a "missed call" indicator on it to see if she would do any detail snooping of that. It used to be something she always examined but she didn't. Nothing beyond what was packed was taken but as she was leaving the camera caught her complaining that she didn't "get all my books".
- Being a heck of a nice guy I sent her a thank-you note for leaving the front porch in good shape.
- Mar 9 - "bomb-a-versary" - I get up early to start driving to Norfolk. In my inbox and duplicated in Messenger were a bunch of pictures from SIL1 showing STBX having a great time with her douchenozzel at a high end tropical resort. Good thing that my health plan covers her travel insurance and birth control - sigh. I'm glad that I disconnected from her social media some days previously so that it wasn't thrust in front of me. I sent SIL1 a note thanking her for letting me know what STBX was up to but asked for no further pictures. I'm still working on scrubbing those images from my mind.
- Since the proverbial cat is out of the bag I sent S22 a note apologizing to him for lieing that I didn't know if his mother had been dating and saying that yes I did know starting in April 2016 but that as far as I knew that she had been dating back in 2015. I asked for him to forgive me and told him that I have been absolutely truthful about everything else.
- Much driving then happens - podcasts and loud music and bad singing in lovely weather. I visited Gettysburg and Goddard on the way down - great places and well worth the visit if you are going down. Friends around the village had asked me to keep them updated on Facebook as I went along so I did. I didn't mention anything about STBX's adventures.
- I arrive in the afternoon of March 10th to Norfolk and proceed to have the most wonderful time with D24 and her H (when he was off-shift). Much walking and talking about everything was done as well as seeing the available sites. I also apologised to D24 for keeping things quiet about her mother's adventures. D24 seemed pretty angry at her mother. She had largely stepped away from social media herself some time ago and but had received some picture texts from her mother's adventures. She told me later that her mother has asked to visit in June and muttered that she hoped that "that guy" didn't come. We talked about me coming back down in September and she was quite excited about that especially if I could get S22 to also come along that time. We did joke a bit about all of the stuff that isn't in the house and talked about decorating ideas. Many hugs, smiles and laughs. A few tears from me when it was time to say goodbye and when all the kids sang Happy Birthday to me. S22 called in remotely via Skype and seemed in good humour and very happy to see me and take part in my birthday. I must say that this has been about the best birthday in many many years.
While I was there on March 10th STBX went back to the house without telling me in advance for over an hour and the neighbour who was taking care of my cats sent me a note. I had also noticed on the security cameras and she did some more wandering around the house as far as I could tell. It seems that the neighbour had also seen the lovely vacation that STBX and Senor Douchenozzel were on and had blasted all over Facebook and was quite shocked. I gave her the basic details. It is so freeing to not be hiding any more and that STBX is the one who has spilled the beans all over the place and in such a dramatic fashion. I did have a bit of a LOL because the neighbour also made a point of mentioning that STBX has put on all of the weight that she had lost (from the pictures perhaps plus a bit more). Pretty impressive since at the end of November she was down quite a bit and depressed.
March 11th - my birthday and the anniversary of when a sober STBX told me she was leaving and she was back in the house yet again for a short while. One of the best days I have had in many years thanks to D24 and her H and S22. I got cake!
March 13th - I got up and had a nice breakfast with D24 and her H and then headed north stopping in south-eastern Pennsylvania. The forecast was calling for bad weather but I was being all cocky Canadian and didn't worry.
I awoke the next morning to about 6 inches of snow on the car and icy conditions. Still not very worried except that the place I'd intended to go to for breakfast was closed. As were most of the gas stations. I gassed up, and got on a very empty Turnpike and headed north. My heavens - what crappy weather and a crappy drive. I got lost twice following people who looked like they knew where they were going which turned out to not be places I wanted to go. There was a deep snow-drift all the way across the turnpike with a slot in it where the transports were going through and I bounced off the side of it and spun out and nearly ended up in the ditch. I tried to pull into a rest area and almost got trapped by all the trucks that were in there waiting the storm out.
Fortunately the weather improved as I went north-west and I eventually got home without incident.
My girls were very happy to see me and doing a survey around the house I can see nothing missing nor even disturbed. I had left the house well-scrubbed - much better than it had ever been before. The 6 boxes that STBX had left behind on her first trip were gone as were the book-cases I had gotten down for her. Her exercise equipment was left behind - perhaps she doesn't need to be fit any more (?)
So - I'm not sure where this leaves me other than in a better place. There are no more secrets and I am grateful that I wasn't the one to advertise things. Will STBX actually file herself now? I hope so but I'm not counting on it. I am so very glad that I had decided a while ago that even if she asked that I wouldn't take her back. It made the pain of seeing her with her richer, older, thinner new guy a lot less. It does still hurt.
So - today I'm cuddling with one of the girls typing this update. I've got my book-keeping all done from my trip. Sadly I am over-budget now in vacation spending but may be able to move some money around once I get the new car insurance and life insurance bills. Laundry is just finishing up and I am going to pop in to town and get some few groceries for the rest of the week. The clouds just broke as I typed this and the sun is shining.
Life is good.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey AP, great to see an update from you. I've been wondering what you have been up to!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! Sounds like you had a nice time with your D, just what you needed. It's good also that everything is out in the open with OM, maybe that will take the shine off their secret affair.
Spring is around the corner and that's something for us all to look forward to. A bit of sunshine and warmth to lift our spirits. Take care AP. X
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I’m leaving on the anniversary of BD1 and will have to work hard on not focusing on that while I drive. I have an overnight stop on the way down in Maryland (Hi job!) and will be stopping by Goddard for a tour when they open in the morning the next day before heading on. There’s a new art exhibit at Goddard that I want to check out along with the rockets and space stuff. They have a bunch of souvenirs that have a motto on them saying “I need more space” or some such. I thought about picking up one for STBX but that would just be cruel. I’m going to spend a couple of days with the kids and then take 2 days to head back home stopping in Pennsylvania overnight and getting a dose of Americana.