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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
in my mind I was losing 50% of the time with him as it was.

That's how I saw it too.

50-50 isn't a win-win. It's a lose-lose. So I'm not going to bargain myself downward from that. I'm already getting robbed of 50% of my kids life.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 291
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Gordie

What do you say to your wife when she asks for the MBR? Mine is going on about it again. Said she will never reconcile or forgive me while I have that bed...

How are you dealing with it? Although your spouse doesn't seem aggressive like mine. I'm tempted to put the damn thing in her bedroom while she's out one day.. it will fill it wall to wall smile


--
Me: 47 WW: 35
SS: 17 D: 5
T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs
OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016.
OEA continues (with occasional breaks)
BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
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Woke_up,

1. The first time it came up, I followed the advice here. I said that I wasn't going to leave the MBR but if W felt she needed more space and separateness than she should feel free to move to the guest room. She never moved.

2. The second time after she moved my stuff out while I was on a trip? Inside, I freaked out but I told myself not to react emotionally and then just moved my stuff back in and went to bed as if nothing had happened. She didn't say anything.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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W wants us to go on a weekend away together. Any suggestions?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
W wants us to go on a weekend away together. Any suggestions?


What do YOU want to do?

Personally ... I avoided any 'fake' family time when I knew there was an OP in the picture, this was the definition of cake-eating for me ... she would get that warm fuzzy blanket called family time and then run off and get the OM rush afterwards which drove me mad.

If you can do this, enjoy it without expectations then that's one thing .. I was not good with this personally, every time something like this came up I was convinced she would see how great things were and it would help but it really just gave her more cake.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: Gordie
W wants us to go on a weekend away together. Any suggestions?

I would go, because I believe your W is having a delusional affair, not an actual one -- and speaking for myself -- I can deal with that. It teeters on a boundary but doesn't quite cross it, esp. when you two have continued to be physically intimate. I see your W as going through a phase of poor mental health, and in that context, I'd be OK continuing emotional and physical intimacy. If I felt she was in good mental health and she chose to have an EA, then it may be different.

But ... if you go ... I would carve into my forearm with a steakknife what my boundaries are so that I don't soften and betray my own dignity. For me, it would be that I'm 100% committed to the marriage as long as we're married but once we're divorced and she's moved onto other men, it's over.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Status update: it's March 1st and I still haven't seen any divorce papers...I'm actually quite surprised since my W's stated goal was to file in January...i know it could happen at any time, so doing my best to live one day at a time, trying hard not to relive the past, nor worry about the future...re the relationship, things are "neutral"...on the surface, neither happy nor unhappy...I've become steadier in my behavior and attitude...being less reactive to my W's ups and downs, not trying to mind read/obsess about every action/inaction...I think ForGump is right in that my W is "playing divorce" before actually filing...we are both acting more independently of one another...if feels like neither of us is pursuing/both are distancing...this is frustrating and sometimes I get discouraged that I'm not seeing any progress or improvement...we still have mutually enjoyable sex when the W initiates...I have been tempted to initiate, but have held back..expectations/hope? still not at zero, still fantasize that one of these days she will she will tell me that she wants us work on our relationship...

Any advice? I feel like I need to do something to mix things up, or as my DB coach says, be surprising, interesting, mysterious, unpredictable (these are not my strong suits)...I'm in a bit of a rut...I think I find comfort and safety in the routine, day to day...

Re weekend away...CaliGuy/ForGump, thanks for your suggestions...I've been thinking about it and still have mixed feelings, but leaning towards going...I need to figure out as Cali pointed out if I can go and just have fun with no expectations...and neither of us has brought it up this week...

Re abandonment...book is awesome, but it's a lot to process, so am reading it slowly...very eye opening to me and includes a lot of exercises that have been helpful...explains a lot of my behavior and feelings...challenges me to see abandonment as not just a painful experience...but one that can be a positive...in a what doesn't kill you makes you stronger kind of way...

GAL...ran a local 10k and was one of the top finishers in my age group...that felt good...and must brag that I look damn good too...no one thought I was in my 40s...

Thanks everyone on this board...I've gotten so much support and help here on this journey...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
Status update: it's March 1st and I still haven't seen any divorce papers...I'm actually quite surprised since my W's stated goal was to file in January...i know it could happen at any time, so doing my best to live one day at a time, trying hard not to relive the past, nor worry about the future...re the relationship, things are "neutral"...on the surface, neither happy nor unhappy...I've become steadier in my behavior and attitude...being less reactive to my W's ups and downs, not trying to mind read/obsess about every action/inaction...I think ForGump is right in that my W is "playing divorce" before actually filing...we are both acting more independently of one another...if feels like neither of us is pursuing/both are distancing...this is frustrating and sometimes I get discouraged that I'm not seeing any progress or improvement...we still have mutually enjoyable sex when the W initiates...I have been tempted to initiate, but have held back..expectations/hope? still not at zero, still fantasize that one of these days she will she will tell me that she wants us work on our relationship...


The word "divorce" used to scare the crap out of you...

It is a fuel that the MLCer will put on their fire when they need a boost for their anger towards you....

You prolly won't hear that one much once YOU stop allowing it to be a button for her to push...

Using the word "divorce" is also about control for her. When she feels close, or when she feels vulnerable around you with her emotions, she will use it to give herself back her power and control over her future...and up until recently, it was a tool for her to use to control YOUR emotions. She would bring it up, scare the bajeezus out of you, and things would work in her favor....

When you remove the fear, you also remove the button that makes you dance her dance....


Originally Posted By: Gordie
Any advice? I feel like I need to do something to mix things up, or as my DB coach says, be surprising, interesting, mysterious, unpredictable (these are not my strong suits)...I'm in a bit of a rut...I think I find comfort and safety in the routine, day to day...


Mix things up ??

For who ??


If you are talking about doing little things just so that she will notice, with the hopes that she will come running back...???

Then no...

If you mean because you are tired of the same ole, same ole, and you want to immerse yourself into a few GAL activities ???

Then by all means, feel free to do so...


What are some things that YOU would like to do ??

Hobbies ??

Activities ??

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So W was crying when I got home. She wouldn't talk to me and just left. What should I do when she comes back?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Mach1

1. Yes, talking about D doesn't cause the same fear response as it used to...yes, there's still mental and physical discomfort, but it's not a total freak out like before. I guess I have somewhat acclimated and accepted that it is probably going to happen but that it isn't the end of my life but it's the start of a new, different phase with a lot of challenges but also opportunities to grow and yes, be happy.

2. Changes for whom? When I wrote that I did mean changes for my W. it's what my DB coach has suggested. Change things up to show W that I'm not as boring and predictable as she thinks I am. I do still want to bust my D.

3. My GAL activities are areas that I enjoy and do not include my W: sports and art. If I had more time, I'd add in music. Also working on finding a better job.

***

W came back and pretended like nothing happened.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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