Lou- I'm going to be a little bit of a stick in the mud here, so fair warning:
I'm concerned about your finances. I understand the debate between living now and planning for the future. And I get the desire to enjoy yourself to recover from all this mess.
But I also understand that we, as women of a certain age, need to plan for our financial futures. You were doing good saving, now you're going to quit another job and blow through those savings again? Isn't there a happy compromise somewhere?
Hi all, thanks so much for the advise and support, loves ya all xx
Andrew - ha ha, I really love hearing from you, you have a sense of humour that appeals to me greatly. Adventures come in all sorts of guises, I include no list shopping trips in that catagory, you never know what treasures you will find when your not looking .......
I will hunt down that book on ambergis tracking,I believe the west coast is the best place to look which happens to be the route I am taking,
Job - thanks you, i have said my bit, requested h sorts it and now it's in his court. I have heard of a solar fridge but little NZ is a bit behind in getting fancy technology. My alternative is to stay with a chillibin and visit paying campsites every couple of days to re freeze my ice blocks, means use of a laundry and hot shower too so not such bad idea, back to the planning.
Kms - thanks you for being my reasoning, it's always good to have someone ask the hard questions as I may not have considered them.
My savings are safe, i have not taken any holiday since I started work so by the time I leave I will have 7 weeks holiday pay owing to me, this equates to 9 weeks camping, eating, travel and a little spending money in each location. I intend to mostly walk and read and will be camping using my exsisting equipment. As for abroad travel I would love to do it but after 9 weeks I may have had enough being on the road,
At the rate of my saving I wont get to buy a house stage in my life time, it won't keep me in comfort in retirement. I am earning minimum wage so by the time I have paid rent, bills and food I don't have much left over, i have an emergency fund on the side of my savings so I haven't had to touch them and I try to pay something in each week. In short, at my age, with my meagre earning power, I don't have a financial future, it's living pay check to pay check, it's my reality, the state h left me to survive in,
Yes I have quit my job again, but this time it is for me and not for h, I feel my reasonings are solid; i am now completely alone, no children near me, no family and only a few friends who I hardly see now days as they have their own families and lives to keep them occupied. H is not coming back in to my life and I am in a really low paying job with not prospects of getting something better in the area I live. It makes sense to move nearer to my sons so I have them and possible future grandchildren in my life, s23 has expressed the wish to have me nearer to him, rent is lower in his area and he has a granny flat I can use until I find employment and start having an income again.
Right now, I'm unhappy, I have been unhappy for a few years, i don't know who I am, what I want and where I want to be, I have not given myself the courtesy of figuring these things out as I buried myself in a job to distract myself from what h did to me the second time, truth is it hurt me far more than the first time, the second was cold, harsh and needless and it broke me, completely broke me. I have not allowed myself to feel the full extent of what he did through fear of not being able to handle the emotional pain that will come with it, it's taken me a year, but I now feel I can face it without falling apart. I am more lucky than most here as I have complete freedom, I don't have any obligations where I am, no home, no family no co parenting with young children, I don't have a lifestyle I have to work in a high end job for to keep. I am taking a sabbatical from life for a few weeks because I can, it may not help me come to any conclusions but then again it might, I may find something, some place or someone interesting along the way that gives me a direction to go in, in the very least it will give me the opportunity to see some of the beautiful country I travelled half way around the world to live in and have not looked around yet despite having lived here for 10 years.
Thank you so much for caring, I really do get where you are coming from, I have had to work hard to have a bank balance that's not red, so I really appreciate you keeping me grounded when it comes to keeping it that way. Xx
Hmmmm I smell toast, so time to go and have some breakfast.
Wow Lou - I am very impressed with the honesty and clarity with which you see your life. For what it's worth, I think it sounds like you're on the beginning of an adventure; one that could lead to more pain and loneliness, but probably won't.
Loved your use of the word 'chillibin'. If you aren't a born-n-bred Kiwi, you certainly sound like one!
Dear sweet Lou, it hurts me to read that you're unhappy. I understand. I really do. When I was a kid I read a book called Walkabout. It was about two kids who survived a plane crash in the Australian Outback, who were met by a young Aboriginal boy who was on his Walkabout. He saved their lives. The concept of the Walkabout fascinated me, as it was a time spent in the middle of nowhere, depending entirely on oneself for survival and contemplation of life and one's place in it seemed to be a great by-product. In a way, you're doing that now yourself. I hope you find a way to update us from the road
I don't think it's always going to be this way for you, in terms of earning potential. I truly don't. Before you tackle that, you really do need to make that inward journey. I understand that you needed this time to get strong enough to face it. I truly do my friend. I remember you having dreams of your own place, growing herbs, having a tea room. Remember that???
I feel it's very important for you to make this journey, Lou, at this time. I sense that you will be peeling back the layers of hurt to discover the real you beneath it all. I know you will find a beautiful gemstone, shining brightly beneath those layers of hurt. Chrysocolla comes to mind. Wow, I just did a quick online search and YES ... read about that stone, Lou!!!
I feel sometimes that such deep hurt can only be felt in stages for if we were to feel it all at once, we'd go mad. This year has helped you over the initial shock, brought back some balance and given you some strength so that you can now go inward and complete the rest of the healing. I know you can do this, Lou. My faith and confidence is entirely with you.
xoxoxoxo much love always xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I love the posting that bttrfly posted to you. Just like the MLCer, we are going to be peeling back layer by layer of ourselves to finally get to the person we hope to be. We are a work in progress and it takes time to figure out who we are and where we need to go. We were so much a part of our spouses' lives, i.e., lovers, companions, mothers, etc. When MLC hit, we began to look for signs and those magical bullets that will make our worlds so much better. Our focus was put on our spouses/companions so much so, we forgot to take care of ourselves in mind, body and soul.
Now that much of the MLC storm has passed, you are just now trying to get your footing and you are still floating a bit. You are trying different things along the way. In time, you will find the perfect job for you to be content. You will find the perfect home to be content, but until this, you are right where you need to be...that is testing the waters in all areas of your life to figure out who you are and who you want to be. It's frustrating, but it all takes time, i.e., think of what you are doing as peeling an onion to the get to the core.
Please do not be so hard on yourself. We all have to go through this and each person will take as long or short as necessary.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lou - yes, this all makes sense. We all process in our way and in our own time. There is no manual for this sort of thing.
I am wishing you the peace you so deserve.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you so much devvo, bttrfly, job and HaWho for your lovely words to me.
Devvo - thank you and welcome to my story, I always hope that if I write honestly then if one day someone reads it and is feeling the same way they will not feel alone.
Bttrfly - thank you my wonderful friend, you wrote such beautiful words and they make so much sense, I feel so blessed to have you in my life, your support and strength have kept me going on many a dark day.
Job - I thank you for pointing out I am being hard on myself, I think a lot of it has to do with the people around me, frustrated at me still being stuck at this point, willing me to be happy, it's not that easy and they don't understand, I don't understand so to be able to come here to people who get it, who get what I am saying, it's been my saviour, so thank you for your continued support, words can't describe how incredible you are and I feel extremely lucky to have you in my life.
HaWho - thank you and right back at cha, I hope that we all find peace after the tornado that hit our lives.
So quick update and then I need some advice/opinion if anyone has thoughts.
My boss has spoken to me since my decision to leave, he doesn't want to lose me but respects I want some time out, so has offered me the opportunity to take 2 months off next year as planned but to return to him afterwards, learning different areas of the business and then when I find an interest area I can focus on that. He would like me to be more involved in the retail side of the business, running the showroom/shop team, get involved with buying and marketing side of things. It's a fantastic offer and one that eventually will get me off the bottom rung of the employment ladder and hopefully lead to bigger and better things in the future, I feel it's too good an opportunity to walk away from, he said he sees huge potential in me but at the moment he feels I don't see the potential in myself so maybe this way he can guide me in to finding it out.
S20 rang yesterday and told me that he wasn't going to spending Christmas with his dad as his dad has told him he is going to stay with a friend for Christmas. He plans to get the 3am ferry on Christmas Day and will be with me by lunch time, I think it's a crazy idea but I'm happy to have him home and I feel there is more to it that he is saying, I also thought to myself " h is ditching you on Christmas Day to go on holiday ..... What ??!!! " what does h think he's doing, I mean seriously, he gets the opportunity to spend Christmas with his son and chooses not to; I was really annoyed and upset for s20. But then .....
H emailed me today, said he has talked to his parents about the wedding and all is ok they are not coming, do I want to tell s23 or shall he,
I replied that he can tell S23 if he wants to and thank you for sorting it out, I appreciate it. I then started to write about s20 and Christmas but thought about it and realised that I am starting a conversation with someone who I don't know if he actually wants communication from me, nothing has actually been said in this area. So I asked him " I don't know what made you contact me after such a long time and I am slightly confused as to what you would like going forwards, there has been many a time I wanted to talk about s20 (especially the court and licence debarkle) but did not feel I could ....or should. So basically, in a rambling way, I am asking what you would like of me going forwards, contact, no contact, emergencies with the boys ?? At least I will know instead of guessing.
I will write his reply in full as I don't want anything taken out of context
He replied " I contacted you because I wanted to clarify about s moving down, that it wasn't my doing etc. I wasn't sure I should contact you, but felt strongly enough that I had to.
I haven't felt I could contact you before that, I'm the baddie in the peice, the cause of hurt. When I left, you said I didn't deserve a goodbye, and I knew nothing that suggested you felt any different so stayed away to be sure of not making things worse.
I wished I could've talked to you about s and his court stuff, I know I only get the edited version of events from him.
I would like to have contact, I would assume primarily around the boys and their shenanigans, but I am aware that you might not be ok with it given what I have done.
S spoke of coming up to you for xmas using his b/day money, which is something else to talk about, are we doing the same as we did for s23 21st? "
So that's it, I have not replied, I feel like de Ja vu, been here before. Everything got messed up so quickly the last time we renewed contact, I don't want to put myself in the same position again and i am not sure what to do. If I break this contact and let him in, even if it's just about the boys, am I picking off scabs and will never move forwards. But if I don't let him in at all then what I am saying is "it's over for me, door closed" and honestly in cant say that, I think when I comes to h the door Is currently still ajar - if the circumstances were right it could still be opened.
Well thats where things are with me. With my job opportunity, s wanting to come home for Christmas and h adding a little more information in to the mix it's total proof that we don't know what's going to happen each day we wake up, so hang in there and allow things to unfold as they should.
My 10c worth: IMHO you owe it to your children to at least open up a channel of communication with your H - because not having one can really be detrimental when you need it. S20 might be a little hurt right now - my heart went out to him when I read that his father basically abandoned him in favour of a friend. Having said that, we don't really know if his father offered a place at the Christmas table as well, or if everybody assumed that S20 would actually be happier to spend Christmas with you. That is probably something S20 needs to answer.
Anyway, the fact that your H is also discussing S20's 21st present like you two are parents who work together on some issues around the children is interesting. My XH has made it very, very clear that he wants his relationship with our boys to absolutely exclude me. Any time I have tried to work with XH on something that involves us both (e.g. setting up S21 at Uni or buying S18's 18th birthday present), XH says one thing to me and then tells the boys that I am being obstructive, critical, controlling yada yada yada. What he doesn't know is that the boys let me know there are supposedly issues arising on my side when they take me to task - and I set them straight about what I understood the arrangements to be.
Stupid thing is I keep all texts and emails (I, like OwnIt, know that they may eventually be needed in court) so I can prove XH is lying to them (I haven't had to yet - my word is enough - but they know I can). Eventually they will work out for themselves that their father's word isn't always trustworthy, and when that happens, I suspect the relationship dynamics might change a little.
In any case I've been forced to abandon any hope of a workable relationship with XH. If I could though, I would much prefer a civil, amicable relationship based on trust and respect. If that's what you think you've got (in relation to the kids) I would say go for it! Just be sure to manage your expectations so that you don't go extrapolating a good parenting relationship into something else.
Hi LouR! Fabulous news on the job front. It is indeed true that good things happen to good people.
My opinion is different than devvo's but that's part of what makes this place good for us. You of course need to decide what is best for YOU.
From what I read it looks like you are trying to pick up the rope that keeps you attached to your H. Your S20 gave you an opening and you grabbed the rope back up and gave it a tug. You H answered and from the tone of his letter as I read it - it was probably something difficult and delicate for him to write. Based on that you sound like you are wanting to grab on to him even harder.
Your own feelings may be a different interpretation of these events but I encourage you to examine them closely.
Our children are adults. In fact all of the players in our little dramas are all adults. People who can and should bear full responsibility for all of their actions. It was appropriate to communicate with S23's father about the wedding because that was something that involved that group of adults. You, S23, his father and grandparents.
For me, my S23 will very likely be spending Christmas morning with me - he lives here but I have no idea what he's doing with his mother. Because he and she are both adults and I have no say in their business and no particular need to know beyond how many plates to set for Christmas dinner. D25 will be celebrating American Thanksgiving in a couple of days. Her mother might be attending, possibly with her guy in tow (I really doubt it). Again - nothing to do with me. I've not asked.
It's tough to change the expected dynamic of two parents working as a team to raise our kids to look at it from the single parent perspective. Just like it's tough for us to let go of people who have abandoned us.
Please give some hard thought to what is it that is best for LouR? Just like all of us, you have a dream of reconciliation even if in my case I have left that dream behind. Until or unless you fully let go though, you will continue to be bound by the past. If that is still a dream you wish to have, then dealing with that with full awareness despite the fact that your son's father may not share that dream is your own choice.
((((LouR))))
This stuff is tough.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think newly-minted adults who've been through a relatively recent MLC-style parental split need special handling. I'm not sure we'll ever be able to accurately peg them, but I believe their whole outlook on what being a family means has had to do a huge 180 - and I'm sure Christmas and weddings are a particularly difficult time for them.
Older teenagers/young adults have not had a childhood spent negotiating a two-house family, with OM/OWs, holiday arrangements and parents who have finally come to terms with their circumstances. Insteadh, they pride themselves on understanding how the world works, and now they are back to basics trying to reprocess what they believe their closest relationships to have been.
In my case, I know that my children were as surprised as me when XH walked out. They have both said they truly believed we were a happy family - and all of a sudden they learned we weren't. They are re-evaluating what they thought they knew about 'happy' people and 'happy' relationships. They *thought* they could tell if people loved each other. They would've sworn their parents did - but now they have to face the fact they might have been wrong.
If you and your H can show that just because you aren't together doesn't mean you can't somehow share support/discuss options/lend an ear when it comes to family matters, I don't see why you wouldn't if you could. That would come with a huge proviso though - nobody is going to get anything positive in the long term out of that sort of arrangement if you're not able to get through a contact without your equilibrium remaining intact.
I do take AndrewP's point about tugging the rope though, as well as yours, LouR, about deja vu. If this is how your H got back into contact last time, only to rebreak your heart, you (and AndrewP) are absolutely right to be cynical.
