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Lou,

Congratulations on the first step to taking your life back! It's a new page in your life's book and I can't wait to read the entire story of your upcoming travels.

As for your xh, he's still attempting to see if you are right where he left you. Unfortunately, he can't seem to bring himself to the point of cutting the last binding thread to your apron. He knows he's messed up, and yet, he still hasn't figured out how to pick up the key and turn the lock in the door, step over the threshold and do the hard, but necessary work to earn your trust and respect once again. If, and when he does figure himself out, he going to discover a new Lou who has grown by leaps and bounds.

As for figuring out what he's up to...leave it be for now. The future isn't ours to figure out...it will reveal itself in time. Just enjoy today for it is a gift and one that you do not want to pass you by.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: LouR
I will get to the title further along, first an update of my ever evolving crazy head ....is mlc catching ?
My therapist once told me that if I was asking the question then the answer was no.

I don't always make wise choices. I sometimes make pretty darned bad ones like staying up until close to midnight last Sunday with a bottle of wine and feeling sorry for myself. I do keep an eye on myself to watch out for the crazy. I try to recognize the bad choices I make and strive to do better. I don't always succeed.

It's called living.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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so it seems h is on the wash, rinse, repeat cycle.

You, my dear, are wise to his MLC ways and are not falling for it. I love it. Well done!

The work sitch: awesome! smile so proud of you Lou. Have you looked back at your early threads? Remember? Can you believe how far you've come in such a short time? You truly are a superstar my friend xoxoxo and I couldn't be more pleased for you!

Ahem, trips, ahem, states, ahem Boston, ahem cough cough cough

love you Lou! xoxoxoxo mwah


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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LouR Offline OP
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Thank you so much for the comments and advice.

Job: As always I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the wisdom and support you offer me, i value your words and knowledge so much. I try hard not to guess what the latest reappearance of h is about, we talk here about having zero expectations, and honesty he has me more suspicious and on my guard than any expectations of any reconciliation behaviour from him, but having said that I have felt happy and an inner calmness since he started talking to me again, something I have not felt in a very long time. And who wouldn't want to live the fantasy of someone fighting for you ..... Yeah, I am aware it's fantasy ..... So for now I am enjoying this break in my sadness and using it to help me move forward with my plans.

Andrew: when I read your post I wanted to jump through the screen and give you a big hug. Your honesty about how hard this journey is, the cycles we go through is a credit to you, you have shown me that what I feel and think is normal and that I am not the only one. We all make choices, i have made plenty of doozy ones along the way, I would not say they are bad ones (although the hangover the following day sometimes tells me otherwise lol), just a lapse of judgement on occasion .... If you have not ended up in the emergency room or woken up with a new tattoo of naked lady across your chest your doing very well my friend xxx

Bttrfly my darling g/friend, you know I would come say hi if the powers that be would allow it, but rules are rules .....sadly .... But hey, you never know, fate may one day help us make virtual in to real, I would really love that.

Nothing much happened today, work was busy, I signed up for the Pink RIbbon Walk this weekend, my boss has agreed to pay our registration and sponsor those of us that are doing it. It will be a bit of fun and an excuse to dress up in something daft. I have a Halloween Balloon install at the local movie theatre next week so I have to come up with something for that this week, it gives my creativeness some time out to play.

My boss is very excited about my trip and said today " how much fun would it be to walk in to the airport and take the first plane you could get s ticket for, I wonder where you would end up" what a great idea!! Unfortunately with visa and immigration laws nowadays I don't think that game would be possible, maybe throw a dart at the atlas and see where it lands .......

Love and hugs to you all xoxo

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I know my friend but I can dream, can't I?? xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
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Hi everyone,

Been a couple of weeks since I last posted and a few ups and downs along the way.

I still feel ok about my decision to leave my job, I have spent time mapping a route around NZ and have been looking at what beaches and walks are along the way. It needs tweaking but I have plenty of time to do this and it gives me something to focus on while other areas of life are hitting bumps.

S20 g/friend left to join him this week, the house is quiet .....and tidy .... I am enjoying having my own space, but it's early days so maybe the novelty will wear off !

I spoke to s23 yesterday, he had been to visit his dad and brother at the weekend, seems it was a quiet night and all in bed by 9.30pm as S20 had been out partying the night before and apparently h now goes to bed at 9pm. He said that h spoke to him about s20 upcoming 21st birthday and said he was going to contact me so s23 wanted to pre warn me that h was going to contact (he doesn't know we have already had contact). I was a bit annoyed at this as we have agreed that we will not tell the boys about any contact between us unless it becomes a regular thing as they know it's been a year since we last spoke and I don't want to cause them any more confusion, h agreed with this decision, so why he felt the need to tell s23 he was going to contact me - and about something that is not until January and nothing to do with s23 - I have no idea. It was enough of a concern for s to let me know though, which is exactly why I did not want them being involved.

S20 rang at the weekend, he started telling me about living with h, says h is very quiet these days, keeps himself to himself, walks a lot, does not see much of the friends he made when first left, the partying has stopped and he is concentrating on paying his debts off and saving. Sounds like he has settled down and is happy, looking forward to starting his new job. I haven't heard from him for a couple of weeks so he must have had his fix and is back in his own world.

S20 also mentioned that mil & fil are planning to come over for S23 wedding in August, it was the first I have heard of this, I was told it is a small wedding with immediate family only, so when I next spoke to s23 I asked him about it, he said he thinks they have invited themselves as he hasn't and part of the reason they are going to visit them in the New Year when then are visiting Europe is because they are not invited so want them to have an engagement celebration with them instead. I got myself a bit upset as I don't get along with mil and the thought of having to not only contend with seeing h again but also her just sent me over the edge, emotions run very deep when it comes to the subject of mil. Anywhoo, s23 got himself upset too as he is already worried about having me and h together and now has to tell his g/parents who he didn't invite to not come, I ended up agreeing to talk to h about it and asking him if he would tell them for us.

I don't know what his reaction will be but I have emailed him explaining the situation and asked for his opinion and help with this. I know it's a long time away but the in laws are people who will book flights early and then tell everyone they are coming a couple of weeks before they arrive, so i feel this needs to be dealt with before s23 sees them in a couple of months, let the dust settle. I also know it is an over reaction from me and I should have probably made out that I don't care, but honestly I don't think I can cope with both h and in laws at the same time, I am already getting anxiety at the thought of seeing h again and it's months away.

I'm over my job now that I have made the decision to leave, 145 days to go, oh yes i have a countdown app, keeps me going, seems such a high number but I know it will go fairly quickly. The summer season is upon us and its getting busy in the showroom and shop, I'm tired and drained, especially with everything going on with h, s moving and now the wedding worries, I ended up with a chest infection last week, terrible cough and lost my voice, thankfully feeling better this week but come out in cold sores, I know I need to look after myself better, but seems no time for down time arm.

I took part in the pink ribbon walk last weekend (breast cancer walk) with work, we all dressed up in pink costumes, our team won a prize for our costumes, was a really great day and they balanced fun with a reminder of what we where there for, it really bought home how precious life is and not to waste it as we really have no idea what is around the corner (hopefully all good things mwah mwah)

Our work Christmas function is at a Country and Western Bbq joint, we have to go dressed up, so I am looking at ideas for that, I have a couple of weeks to find something fun.

So that's about all from me, as I said ups and downs, probably should not have emailed h but it's done now and I have to live with any consequence from it. I ask myself if he had not broken the contact would I have done this, I think probably not.

Love n hugs xoxo

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Hi Doll, thanks for the update. In the grander scheme of things I feel you are doing well, despite the chest infection. Self care is important, as you well know. Rest, soup. Build what you can into your day. It doesn't have to be a big thing that takes tons of time. When you get a break at work, leave the building for a quick 5 minute walk or a power nap in the back room. Even if you just put your feet up for five minutes, close your eyes and focus on your breathing it will help you.

Re: the Mil yeah, I get it, truly I do. I think it's fine to speak to H about his parents. He needs to set the boundaries with them as does S23. I imagine it's harder for S23 to do that without H's help. Who invites themselves to a wedding of all things?

Can son have a conversation with his grandparents saying how he feels about this and that he and his fiancee were planning a separate trip so that grandparents could have their own time with the happy couple?

i'm sorry Lou - I'm not really as sharp today and on point as I guess I could be. I really just want to offer love and support to you my dear friend. xoxoxoxo so I will do just that and stop here. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
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LouR Offline OP
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Hey bttrfly my gergeous friend, how are you ..... I will go read for myself in a mo.

Thanks for the support, it's always welcome and much needed smile xx mwah mwah
I am feeling much better and I have a complete day off tomorrow, no evening balloon installs so I am going to go to the beach for a long walk and get some fresh air.

As for the wedding topic - h was pretty good about it, said he thinks they probably presumed they are invited not really knowing the details, he has agreed to put them off, I was honest and explained that it was more for my benefit and that s23 was trying to minimise any possibility that I won't attend. A couple of emails went back and forth with h questioning a few things I wrote and I ended up feeling a bit irritated at his tone so ended the last one with " their alternative is that they will elope to Fiji and we will all miss out" which is actually true. He said he will let me know when he has talked to them.

I don't intend to contact him again, if he wants to speak to me he knows where I am, I don't want to get in to the habit of contacting him just because I can now, I have to continue on my own path - which does not include him anymore,

I have been looking for a solar fridge for camping, has anyone heard of one exsisting ?

Cup of tea time for me, hope everyone has a good weekend,

Love n hugs xoxo

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Hi LouR!

You are sounding good and getting ready for lots of Adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can't think what anybody sees in them I see you are working on making them civilized adventures complete with refrigeration. No clue on if that sort of thing is reasonably available. I've seen versions you can plug in to your car but would worry about the weight to actually go out into the Wild.

On the other hand my idea of an Adventure is going to the hardware store without a list. Now that can be exciting and scary.

More and more I am seeing some very positive things in your posts Lou. You are putting your own feet under yourself and putting your own boots on. Since I have a tendency to reference obscure books, from one of my favourites is a story of two characters trapped in a hall of mirrors. They are told that the only way to escape is to "find the real one". One rushes off looking in mirror after mirror. Another one looks down at her boots and says "this one".

Don't forget when you are camping and adventuring to search for ambergris! I believe that the South Island actually has more sites than the North. I can't post links here but one of my favourite books on the subject is called "Floating Gold" by Christopher Kemp and published by the University of Chicago Press. ISBN 9780226430379 - perhaps your local library has a copy.

You've got a good grip on yourself and your new life and Summer is just starting.

(((LouR)))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Lou,

I am sorry that the in-laws "assumed" that they were invited to your son's wedding. Maybe they needed an excuse to come visit, but still, they should have asked as to what your son and future daughter in-law were planning. I do hope that your xh will get this straightened out and soon.

About the solar frig...yes, they do exist, but the ones I found were quite expensive. Do a search and you may find some in your area.

Keep up the good work. Enjoy your weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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