Thank you thank you for the outpouring of love support and advice from you all, I am pleased that I reached out.
I didn't send birthday wishes; I woke up this morning after a few odd dreams and decided that actually I didn't feel the need anymore and tonight after reading all your lovely messages to me I still feel ok that I didn't acknowledge his day.
HaWho, you are probably right, I am very hard on myself, I think partly because I hate that my marriage has failed, I don't do failure very well and always strive to make things right when I have, and partly because I am still holding on to having a family as now all I have left in life is my two boys and I don't want them to ever feel they have to look after me because I am alone now. This was not their fault.
I know that whilst I would have liked things to be different they aren't, it's sad and I do miss him, but nowadays I feel much calmer and like having my own space and thoughts.
In other news - work is going well, really busy and I have been asked to become the front desk, showroom and party shop supervisor, i have already been doing the role for the past few months and have built a really good team but this makes it more official. My changes and hard work have been recognised and i feel good about that.
S20 is still determined to move to his dad's, he leaves end of October when he gets his driving licence back. Good luck to him and his dad !! So the flat hunt for me has begun, there are a few options so I am confident I won't be homeless.
I have taken a couple of days off work and booked my flights to go and visit s23 for a weekend end of September, I have not seen him for a very long time so i am looking forward to spending some time with him.
I had the Drs today for a meds review, my latest result came in fine so for now my thyroid is happy and I can stay on a low thyroxine dose, I can also stay on the ERT for a couple of years safely, next check is in 6 months time unless I start to get the symptoms again. So that is really good news and I do feel so much better for my levels being right again - it's been a long time coming !!
Guy friend is being needy and driving me a little crazy but I have stayed consistent with my message and we now only see each other at work. Shame as he was fun to hang out with, but I really don't want to lead him on or cause any confusion so it's for the best. I went out with another guy friend ( he really is only a friend, he is in to rock chicks so I am safe ha ha ) we went to a bagpipe concert, was a fun evening and something different lol. Next we are going to a Saturday Night Fever evening, anywhoo, my workmate mentioned the "date" in front of guy friend and oh my, you would have thought his world had just ended, he brooded on it for days before asking me about it, wanting to know if i am seeing someone and where does that leave him - boy oh boy, how do I pick em'.
The days continue to move along, I keep breathing, wondering what normal is, maybe this is it and I don't recognise it as its been so long.
So that's all from me, nothing exciting really, I haven't won the lotto, met a hot "normal" guy , discovered how to go back in time or how to see in to the future, but that's ok, my story has a lot more "plot twists" to come I am certain of that !!
Going to see Son Looking for your Chickpad Being recognized at work for how awesome you are Testing the waters in a safe way with friend 'dates' Knowing what you DON'T want in a NG Not falling into what could be an old pattern by contacting exh on his birthday
.... that's a lot of growth right there baby cakes and I'm so very proud of you !!!!
xoxoxoxo you're my hero(ine)!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi everyone, been a while. It's a long weekend public holiday here so i intend to catch up with how everyone is doing, 4 days off ....kind of.
For the past few months life has been about work and not much else, I have been working 6-7 day weeks and am really tired, so this long weekend is very welcome.
A few weeks ago I flew down to South Island to see S23, spent 4 really lovely days with him and his g/friend. He talked about wanting me to move nearer to him, saying s20 has had me long enough, now it's his turn awwww. Where He lives is a really beautiful part of the world and I can see myself living in the area, so I am thinking perhaps 1 more summer season where I am and then move nearer to S23 after Easter next yr .....but for those who know me here, my plans change often !! All part of the self discovery journey I suppose.
S23 did bring up the topic of his dad, it was hard to hear some of it but I was happy that he felt he could talk to me openly. Things are not all rosy between them, s is unhappy about how his dad treats him, feels at the bottom of his priority list once again. He said they did not speak for a while and then his d visited him and broke down about how he has messed up again and it kills him to think he has lost his sx2 by his actions, s23 decided to give him another chance but since then it has not been plain sailing and now both s tell me that if h gets another woman and expect them to play happy families with them then they are done with him, as neither of them want a repeat of the last OW treatment, it's sad but I respect that they are old enough to make up their own minds.
S20 moved down to his dad's last weekend, s23 and I predict 6-8 week before he is back lol. The move down went ok but 4 days later, totally out of the blue h emailed me ...........
For those who don't know my story and are reading this; h walked out on me for the second time 11 months ago and he has not spoken to me since that day.
His email was regarding s20 and saying that things have not got off to a good start, s failed to get up and go to a course, has not made any effort to job hunt and has a terrible attitude. He went on to say that he wanted me to know that he did not encourage or instigate this move only offered support and a room to get him started off. He said it's purely selfish but as he is already the anti-Christ he did not want me to think he was deliberately causing me more hurt by talking him in to the move.
He then added a bit of "hope your well " stuff and signed off, Love Me x as he always has in the past.
As you can imagine it was a bit of a shock to see it in my inbox. Felt very queasy opening it, waiting for the hurt to jump out at me.
I wrote a reply, slept on it and then as I was still happy with what I had written so I sent it. Basically started of jokey about s20 and then told him that I did not presume he had instigated the move, I feel it came from s having had a good time when he was down with him last and H's crazy female friend meddling by getting s to move down as she felt that s and h needed to be nearer to each other.
I wrote" I want to correct something you wrote - you are not and never have been the anti Christ, I do believe I said to you that I will always be here for you if you need me, I really mean that. Sure I feel deep sadness that we have ended up this way, I never imagined we would, I miss you from my life, I have gone from being your world to non exsitent, that has been hard to come to terms with and honestly I still don't understand any of this, but tis what it tis. We will always be connected by our children and even though they are older, if you ever have concerns you want to share I am happy to listen.
I signed off that I hope this finds him well and he has got to grips with his job now.
He replied later that morning a long email, chatty about his job and saying how annoyed he is to know his female friend has meddled in something she knows nothing about and that he does not speak to her very often these days so he is not sure why she has done this. He then thanked me for correcting him about his anti Christ comment, that he did not imagine or expect that I would stand by my statement still. Then he continued:
" my turn for a correction. You have not gone from my world to non exsitent, not in any way. You are in my thoughts regularly, I care how you are, how things are going for you. I'm aware my actions suggest otherwise, but it's the truth. You have been a part of my life longer than anyone outside of my parents/brother, that won't ever go away.
He then mentioned finances, to clarify what he still owes me. Signed off as usual.
I replied this evening with " thank you for your correction on my comment, you are in my thoughts regularly too. Thank you for breaking the scilence, it's been genuinely nice hearing from you" I continued with answering the finance questions and ended it on a light note about s20.
I don't expect anything more from him, it actually has given me a little peace, I got to say to him what I wanted him to know and now I feel happier in myself. I am also pleased that the scilence has been broken, it's still only him that can contact me, but at least if I do have a major problem with one of the boys it won't be so awkward contacting him if the situation requires it.
I know that he really did not need to contact me about s20, there has been plenty go on with both boys over the past year that he did not feel the need to talk to me about, I am not daft enough to think this s purely about s, I don't know what his motives are yet, good or bad, they have yet to be revealed. Perhaps it's testing the waters to see how much I hate him and will I drag his backside through court if he files for d, or maybe he is having a lonely moment, or even just felt the need to check up on me, who knows, what I do know is that I have been at this long enough now to not read anything in to anything that comes from his direction!!
So your up to date with my world, I have nothing planned for my long weekend, I was going away camping but unfortunately staffing problems at work means I have to pop in to work for a couple hrs on sat and sun to get some balloon orders ready.
Love and hugs to you all, I will catch up with you at the weekend xxx
LouR - So nice to hear from you. You sound tired but getting more whole in yourself.
Being as I'm the one with the S who moved in and then doesn't do anything (he's getting better at it) I can understand your H's confusion at his situation. He may well have been hoping for some solid instructions, for you to take charge and make it all better. Good on you for leaving them be. They're both big boys and need to be able to deal with things themselves.
Your H also seems to be tugging on your apron strings and saying "don't forget about me - I'm still here". Remember - it's your choice on this. You've not completely let him go by filing for divorce. Doing that would be very very tough. I know.
Keep living your life and don't be a stranger. I'm glad you stopped by.
((LouR))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Lou, nice to hear from you and glad to hear you're generally doing well. I hope work settles down and you get more balance in your life soon. I've been through a phase of working flat out this year and I'm enjoying some more time off now. The extra income certainly comes in handy though - and may help with your moving plans if that's what you decide to do.
I agree entirely with Andrew P and I think it's a little 'I'm still out here' nudge from your H. I think your responses were fine and I think letting it go for now is the right thing to do. If he wants to be back in touch again at some point soon, he will be - particularly as your responses were kind and supportive.
Take care Lou - hugs and best wishes from me xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi AndrewP and Sotto, thank you for dropping by and giving me your support.
H's email was very similar to the one he sent to me to open a channel the first time around, started off as an update about s(then)18 and continued on as chatty and a tester sentence about how I feel about him at the moment. So I have been here before - only last time I hung on every word and over analysed it looking for all the possible hidden meanings and blindly ran down the path pushing it in all directions ..... Well you know the result .....
This time I have spent far less energy on it, yes it was a jolt and I did feel queasy at opening the email, it also raised a few emotions, but generally I feel ok and have not spent my precious time and energy reading anything in to it. It has however, given me the opportunity to say what I have wanted him to know, and I learnt something I did not know, it served my own purpose, so in that respect I have used the emails to my own advantage.
Andrew: yes I am very tired, mentally more than physically. We are understaffed at work so I have been left on my own to cope a lot, I feel overworked, underpaid and underappreciate, but I feel loyalty to my clients so I would like to stick it out until their events are over if I can. I have been thinking of maybe finishing at Easter and taking 6 weeks to travel (camp) down through NZ to where my eldest s is while the weather is still good enough, His new house has a sleep out so I can use it as a base until I find a job and home. It's a thought and one that I can focus on to keep me moving forward.
Your H seems to play out what we read about how they try to come back. Maybe one of these days he will get it right (if you are still up for it). I hope things get better at work and that you are able to keep this stuff at an arm's length. This time of year makes me suspicious. I'm seeing increased "interest" in my child that has me concerned, especially with the holidays coming up. Every time he leaves again my S is devastated.
Hi OwnIt, thank you for dropping by and for your support.
I have no idea what prompted H's contact, if it was for a reason he will make it known when he is ready.
My children are older so they have their own independent relationship with their dad that I don't get involved in, so holidays are not an issue for me, I am lucky in that respect, I am sad to read that your h causes your s confusion and hurt with his bouncing around, all you can really do is be your s constant and give him the stability and love of at least one parent who he can rely on. He will really thank you and respect you for it in the long term,
{{{{{{{{{ BIG GINORMOUS MASSIVE HUGS!!!! }}}}}}}}}
Wow have I MISSED YOU!
Please get some rest sweetie. I am glad you took some time off and went to visit your boy and his gf. I'm sure it was hard to hear about h but you seem to be doing so well xoxo I'm glad!
as for H's emails ... hmmmm. What I love most about this is that even if he's temperature testing, you aren't playing. You're communicating on your own terms and I love that.
Do take some time to rest, even if it means sleeping a day away Lou. I can't wait for your next update! I've missed you my friend xoxoxoxo welcome back
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I'm going to title this entry - de ja vu ....but have I learnt any lessons ...
I will get to the title further along, first an update of my ever evolving crazy head ....is mlc catching ?
I had a really lovely weekend, lots of downtime to really think about where I am going in my life. It's all well and good telling people "if you don't like your life, change it" but then to not take my own advise is so hypocritical of me, so after h contacting me last week and seeing how easy we went back to comfortable chatting with each other, it bothered me emencely that I have learnt no lessons from round 2 and was heading for yet another fall ...... And then realised that because this notion was even in my head meant I have actually learnt a lesson !! Are you still following me lol.
So I spent the weekend getting annoyed with myself that I am an intelligent woman, why can't I figure this out. One thing lead to another and whilst walking on the beach I came to the conclusion that if h is setting me up for something nasty I want to have something to be focusing on, if he is wanting to see if he can once again come back in to my life, I want something other than him to focus on. So today I went to see my boss and told him that I would like to finish work at the end of the season (Easter) as I want to do some travel. He was so happy for me and said absolutely fine, and whilst I will be a huge loss to the team and my reference will have tear stains on it, he is really excited for me, he also added that if I want to return for the following summer season i will always have a job with him. What a lovely thing to say and such a great offer, it means that I have a back up plan if I need it.
So then to the next part of my plans, travel. I have enough saved now in my house fund ( which I realise now is really only a dream and the years I will be living frugally to save for a house is years i am not living me) to go on a trip, so that's what I have started planning. It will keep the focus on me and as soon as have decided a route - currently Melbourne Australia, New York, England/Europe and back in time for s23 wedding end of August- I will buy the tickets and that locks me in to going, no matter what happens I will be going.
H emailed me again today, the last emails we exchanged last week he mentioned going for an interview as he is unhappy at his current place and he asked me to confirm how much he owes me and said not to get excited, he hasn't won the lottery or anything, he has finally paid off his cc from while he was off work and is trying to get his finances straight. I replied to him good luck for the interview, confirmed how much he owes me and congratulated him on the cc and then requested that he does not mention to either s that we have been in contact as after all this time of not talking to each other it will only confuse them and they have been through enough.
Today he emailed me to let me know he got the job and starts in 4 weeks time. He agrees with me on staying quiet to the boys and hopes I had a nice long weekend.
I wished him congratulations on the job, said giving notice must be catching as I have done the same today, only mine is 5 months and yes i had a lovely weekend thank you. I asked him if he had a nice weekend too and said I have heard he is a fitness freak these days and dragged s20 up a hill for 2 hrs, and how that must have been fun ha ha ha. He replied that he is far from a fitness freak, probably the unfittest he has been since he had the time off but hopes to get out more now the evenings are lighter again. He also said " so are you saying you've given 5 months notice ? " to which I replied " yes, it sees them through the season and gives them time to get used to the loss of their superstar ....
So to de ja vu ..... When h contacted me first time around and I was in Uk he used the excuse of s(then)18 update, asked in a round about way if I hate him or is his contact welcome. Then came emails telling me he has changed job, his new contact info should I need to get in touch and chatty chatty I miss this. Bizarrely this is exactly what I am seeing again,update on s20, am I the devil I don't want to hurt you more, and now I have changed jobs, here is what I am doing, how are you, what are you doing, blah blah blah.
Has me on my guard, whats he up to ..... Hmmmmmm.
Well, back to thinking about a good trip to take, I can't believe I just took the first step, but I am very pleased with myself for doing so.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. Love and hugs to you all xoxo
