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LouR - I know that I am jealous still of any interaction between my kids and their mother. I think see that or something similar in what you posted. What I keep telling myself is that it doesn't matter.

Just a perspective. I presume that you can't know for sure who instigated the idea for your S to move nor what the motives are. It has nothing to do with me and this probably has absolutely nothing to do with you. I know that we get paranoid especially when having even peripheral interaction with someone who hurt us so very badly but we just have to work on letting it go. Our children are adults and make their own choices regardless of what our opinions or feelings are. I know that my own kids are pretty discreet and kind and are great people and I'm sure your's are too. They understand about your pain and have sympathy for it but can't let that drive their own separate lives.

Imagine instead that he's going off to stay with someone you used to know but don't have anything to do with anymore. If it was your second-cousin's uncle's brother-in-law then you wouldn't be trying to read anything into it would you (I know that's a stretch).

One interesting phrase that I have heard a lot of divorced parents use is "my kid's dad" etc. It provides some distance and context I think.

So - wish him and his GF well with "his father". Make sure he knows what ambergris looks like since I believe there is more on the South island and demand that he write or call at least once a week like the great Mother that you are.

((LouR))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Hi everyone, I will write a longer update soon but just at the moment I am having a struggle and I don't want to bother my g/friends with it, I already know what they will say and I agree with them, yet the internal struggle with head and heart is still present in my thoughts.

It's H's birthday tomorrow - 80 % of me says leave well alone, if he really wanted to hear from me he would instigate it and if I open communication I most likely would be opening up a can of worms .....painful ones where only I get hurt ...again, plus keeping my expectations at zero of a reply, a nice reply, is easier said than done. But there is 20% of me that feels I should send him greetings, just wish him a nice day, no more, I genuinely do wish him a nice day, and part of me thinks back to the last time he went dark and when he finally did contact me he said he had wanted to for months but did not feel he had the right to do so, so this may be the excuse he needs to open the channel again.

I know I am not ready to deal with what may happen either way, whether it be ignored, him tell me something it don't want to know, or even if he uses this to reach out, I don't think I am able to deal with it without becoming an emotional stressed out wreck again - I know this, yet that 20% of me, the little voice in my head, keeps saying " do it, don't sink to his level, there is no harm wishing him a nice day and showing you are thinking about him, he may need to hear that right now"

i know there is no advice you can give me, only I can decide what to do and deal with how I feel as a result of it. I am so weary of this mlc sadness creeping in at every opportune moment, reminders of what once was. This is the first time I have struggled with to contact him or not - up till now it's been resolute not.

Thanks for listening to me, I just needed to get it out of my head and know that here is a safe place to do it without judgement of how I am feeling right now.

Love and hugs to you all xoxo

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You could flip a coin?? Probably trust your gut and don't think too much. If you know why you want to do it and it doesn't matter that much, drop a text. If you're agonising about it, probably best to do nothing because it means you're not detached enough?


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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LouR - I want you to ask yourself a very tough question. What is your motivation for reaching out to him?

We all wish for the past that thought we had. I worry that this would just be a piece of string that you are trying to tie to him. If you send the message, you'll expect a response. A response or lack of response with send you in a different direction.

Letting go is so very very hard but sometimes we need to do it to save ourselves. If you can get through this without grabbing that thread you'll be more free.

(((LouR)))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Hi Lou, first I would say prioritise your own wellbeing - and if it messes with your mind, maybe step back and let life unfold as it will.

Second, I would say, be the woman you want to be - and if you want to send birthday wishes, do it and let it go. Don't over think it. You sent the wishes. You wanted to. He then did or didn't respond - that's up to him..

In my sitch, it kind of tapered off. Year one a nice card, year two - hadn't planned to do anything, but XH emailed me the night prior and I was able to send B'day wishes incidentally in my reply. Year three no wishes. But then my XH did pretty much vanish...

Hope this helps anyway Lou xx


T 13 M 7
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SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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love when you don't know what to do, do nothing except sit quietly and wait for the answers. much love and {{{{{hugs}}}}} xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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I'm with bttrfly on this one. Every time I've made some approach I hesitated about I've been bitten and wished I'd kept quiet.

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Lou -
First, sounds like you are hoping this would reopen a dialogue. Don't. Doing it with ANY expectations is a mistake,

Second - what did he do for YOUR last birthday? And the one before that? If he did nothing, don't feel like you have to.

Third - if you MUST acknowledge it - mail a happy belated birthday card (less likely to result in a phone call or email.)

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Paper card. Snail mail.

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Lou - just want to say that in general, try not to be too hard on yourself. I notice that oftentimes you are awfully tough on yourself.

If you choose not to reach out to him, this doesn't necessarily mean you are stooping to his level.

If he felt he did not have the right to reach out to you, then in my opinion, it is up to him to make himself worthy of doing so. It's not your problem to mind read that and then fix it for him.

These are just instances where I see you being very hard on yourself.

And I ditto Sotto on her message.

Thinking of you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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