The Summer of Love, Treasure and a Popup Tent.

[LouR]

So here we are, another thread down.

Link to my last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2731798&page=1

For those who are following along, the last entry on my previous thread promised details of my non-date date, so here is how it went.

I walked to his house and he drove us to the car park (I let s20 where I was going to be), it was 8am when we got there, the sun was just coming up over the cliffs. The walk there was fantastic, we chatted and the sun caught different parts of the cliffs which made them look dramatic. There was a curved part which acted like an amphitheatre and you could hear the waves in the walls, it was a very special moment.

We walked to the end and up to a hut for a short break,it was good to stop and by then my hips were beginning to ache. Conversation flowed, but it was me who was starting it off, once he got chatting he was happy to chat. We laughed, he made jokes and it was light, I felt comfortable – although the “wtf is this” hung over me.

We then continued upwards to the gannet colony, it was cool although not as dramatic as I had imagined. By then I was starting to really ache and we had the prospect of a 2hr walk back.

Walking back was a bit quieter, I was starting to be in real pain and struggling to make conversation, it marred the trip in the end. I noticed he was hobbling but not saying anything. We eventually got back to the car, 5hrs of walking, both tired and yawning, both aching. He drove back slowly, concentrating on the road, we went back via his old house so he could show me where he used to live. He asked about stopping for an ice cream, but I just wanted to get home so said thanks but not for me.

I had a lovely time and if it had not been for the pain it would have been a very special walk. It was ambitious for me being so unfit these days and I am now paying the price by being stiff and sore lol. Something to eat, drink and a nana nap has helped.

What today has shown me is that:

I did not feel any desire of the romantic nature toward him or connection, just friendship.

Red flags went up about him and he to me is not a future romantic prospect and wont give me the life I want for myself. I feel I would be a fixer and compromising on what I want out of a relationship and in a person.

I could have done that walk on my own and been just as happy, if not more so as I could have stopped and looked for shells and treasure and done it a slower pace.

I am happy being on my own, content in my own company. It took me doing something with someone else to find this out.

What also came out of this day was as I was walking along all I could think was “h would love this – the amphitheatre, the scenery, the walk.” I missed him, I missed how he was with me, how we were together.I miss the chatting and jokes, the comfortableness we have around each other. We were so comfortable, even after he did BD2, for the 2 weeks after, it was strained but I felt safe and ok around him.

It has shown me that I am far from over him and not ready for anyone else to be in my life. I am not sure that I will ever feel the connection I have with him with anyone else and so for now, whilst I will get on with trying to enjoy my life as much as possible, I continue to hope that one day he will come out of this and feel differently about me, he will find the all-important lost feeling.

So to the title of my thread.

Summer of Love, treasures and a pop up tent. This summer (as we are coming to the end of summer here) I have learnt and grown so much. It took today for me to see just how much.

I have spent time on myself, giving myself the love and attention I need and deserve. I have become comfortable with being on my own, doing things that makes me happy and not doing it to please those around me. I have looked at what I want from a relationship and am resolute and strong in not compromising for the sake of having someone in my life.

I have been nurturing my soul and spirit, nurturing it by my renewed fondness for treasure hunting on beaches, finding joy in discovering new places and dreaming of trips I can take with my new freedom.

I have found courage and bravery to try new things and not be afraid to step out of my comfort zone, buying a pop up tent for some new adventures, I hope it arrives soon

Thank you to all of you who continue to read along, support me and are coming along for the ride.

[job]

Lou,

I'm glad you went on the hike. At least you did something a bit different and now you have come to realize that you aren't over your h yet. It does take time to get to the over side of the bridge.

I'm so proud of you! You continue to amaze me w/your determination and "stepping outside your comfort zone". Keep it up! I can't wait to hear about your first adventure w/your tent!

[Westo]

Very proud of you Lou,

I did wonder if he was after the pop up tent!

[mleigh4]

Lou, you sound so grounded. I love your inner confidence, you will be ok. It's so hard not to miss our old H, I do too. Keep those memories, it's like they say, it's better to have loved than never love before. Or something like that. Anyway, I think the fact we ever had that love and connection is very special, some never do.

Take care and please keep us updated.
M

[LouR]

Its been a couple of weeks since I last updated. I have been reading along, but right now I don't have much to offer, the tank is empty despite my attempts to fill it.

I have been on a couple more walks with work friend, nothing has changed on that front, he continues to be nice company but that is it for me and I get the impression he feels the same way about me.

My tent arrived and I have been buying the rest of my camping equipment so I can get adventuring before the cold weather sets in. I am going to have my first outing in it this coming weekend, I found a nice free beachfront camp site to visit and a Waterfall walk on the way home. My g/friend has asked if she can tag along so she will be keeping me company for my first venture out with the tent, but I will go out in it on my own the following weekend weather permitting.

I mentioned earlier that I feel I am running on empty, I have been tired and down lately, I know my thyroid level could be fluctuating and not helping, but I know there is more to it. A couple of weeks ago h paid for S20 to fly down to him for the weekend, I don't know why, can't explain it, but it really affected me emotionally and I got quite down, I kept myself occupied and rode through the feelings, but since then I have not really bounced back up.

True to form he flashed the cash and gave S20 a weekend to remember and I knew it would only be a matter of time before S20 mentioned moving to his dads, which happened a few days after he came home. I do know that it is probably "pie in the sky" and will never happen, but it made me feel like " your not content with smooshing my life in to the ground, you want to take my son away from me too". For all I know h does not even know of S20 thoughts, but it felt mighty personal and I was so bitter towards him at that point.

Then we come to yesterday - S20 came into my bedroom to chat (which he does regularly) and we were talking money as he wanted to borrow some, as I have lent him quite a bit lately while he was "between jobs" I replied "can't you ask for dad for some, it must be his turn by now" and S20 said that he doubted his dad would be able to, that he has only just gone back to work and is trying to catch up on the debts he accrued while being off, plus having to buy stuff for his new place. I didn't reply. S2O was texting through this conversation and then said "dad is going to start paying you now he is working again" I acknowledged what he had said and then S22 continued " he has just asked me how the land lies with you, if he can email you to let you know about whats going on or if it would not be welcome, so I said that you may get upset so to not email and I will tell you about the payments myself" I just replied, ok thanks and left it there.

Well, I did not expect to feel the wave of unexplained emotions that followed, it bubbled up and suddenly I found myself in tears. I don't know if part of me wanted to receive the email from him, have the contact; which is ridiculous as I know full well it would have been either factual and pointless which would cause me emotional disappointment (being honest here) or contain something I dont want to read and once again cause me emotional distress - either way it would have not done me any good.

4 months of no contact from either of us, I thought I would have handled this better, its a bit demoralizing that he still has such a strong effect on me, I am doing everything I can to keep living this life, to find contentment with how it is now, but somehow I am not able to make that mental leap and make peace with he and I being no more, such sadness follows me.

I am weary of feeling this way, yet I dont seem to have any control over it, I tell myself one thing and then find myself feeling the opposite, crazy and infuriating huh.

So that's the latest from my world, just trying to remain removed from h's world and living in mine as best I can.

Love and hugs to you all XOXO

[job]

Lou,
It's okay to cry and have those emotions/feelings bubble up. They aren't going to go away very quickly. It could take a year or more before your emotions/feelings settle down. Why? Because you share sons w/him and your sons are sharing info about their father w/you. Also, you have a false reconciliation that really shook your core because it looked like it might work out. Let's face it, your heart is shattered and it's going to take time to put those pieces back together again and you will, but it's going to take time.

I'm glad you are still walking w/your friend. At least you both are on the same page about the feelings you both share, i.e., friendship, not romantically inclined. Enjoy the walks and the company and try to relax a bit.

I can't wait to hear more about the tent, camping, etc. I hope it's easy to pop up and you can escape for a while so that you can find some peace, quiet and just relax a bit.

As for your son asking for money...time to start hitting dear old dad up for some cash.

Lou, it's one step forward, two steps back and it's going to take some time to heal. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and loss and when the anger comes, find something physical to release that anger out on.

[kml]

And please, do SOMETHING about your thyroid! I know the doctor wouldn't treat you, try another one! If not, see if any supplements are available that could help you (I know the rules there may be stricter than in the states, but here you can buy some thyroid glandular supplements that actually do contain a little bit of T3, the active form - they're not allowed to have T4 but there is a loophole in the law. Not the best way to do things but better than suffering along untreated.)

[LouR]

Thank you so much job, I needed to hear a bit of TLC and know that I am not stuck ...yet.

kml - I went to see my dr and he was away and so saw a female Dr who has just started at the practice. She said the same as my Dr, they don't treat until at least 10 as Tsh levels can fluctuate quite a lot up until then, which I have proved correct as my levels are all over the place. My next bloods are May so will see what they come back as. I will look in to supplements and see what I can get over here.

This weekend I went camping with a g/friend, we only went for an overnight camp just to see what I need to change if anything before I go solo. After work on Saturday we drove for about 1.5hr to a free camp site that backs on to sand dunes. We set up camp under some trees for shelter and had dinner (first issue - it was windy and cooker struggled to boil kettle for a cuppa), fell asleep to the sound of the waves, felt safe (we took separate tents) as other campers around us and woke up just as the sun was rising. After a cooked breakfast (cooker went well with the bbq plates on it) we packed up our site and went for a walk along the beach. Then set off for another 1hr drive to find a waterfall I had read about, along the way we passed a hill which allegedly has the longest place name in the world - "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoro nukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu", which translates into English as "the place where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, who slid, climbed and swallowed mountains, known as'landeater',played his flute to his loved one."

We drove in to the hills and onto a very long and winding gravel road in search of the waterfall, the road seemed to go on forever and completely off the main road, I am sure I could hear banjo's being played as we went further in to the back country! Then there it was, the waterfall, it was impressive in height and width but sadly due to a very dry summer it was more a trickle than a thunderous roar, but still, it was worth the expedition. So now back home, car unloaded, laundry on, showered and a cup of tea in hand my first tent adventure is documented, photographed and safely in the memory bank. Onward to my first solo adventure which weather permitting will be next weekend.


In other news - h was true to his word and paid me some money (not much and works out that if he continues on this amount it will be 32 months of payments!). The day it arrived in my bank I played with the thought that I should acknowledge the payment, I just felt it was the polite and courteous thing to do - just because he is an a$$ does not mean I have to sink to his level - so the following day I sent him an email, I kept it short, wrote " Hi, Thank you for the payment, s20 told me to expect it. I hope this finds you well, much love L x" I know this may lead to a 2x4 from you, the unnecessary sentiment, but I always have signed off that way, its what I do, we are not d, I do still care about him (crazy I know) so I did what felt right for me, whether he reacted to it or not.

Next morning I received an email from him, saying "hey, I am sorry I did not start payments sooner, I only went back to work 3 weeks ago, I am now working at xyz as a manager, very challenging,steep learning curve for a year or 2!! Payments have been set for this date each month from now on.
Yes I am well thanks, I hope you are the same. Love, Me x

So the communication blackout has been broken. I felt it was as pleasant as it could be under the circumstances, I did not send a reply, I dont intend to and I dont expect to hear from him again.

My g/friend is cross with me, said I have given him an in again and she gives him 2 weeks before he emails me for something trivial, just making sure I am still hooked. She is concerned that I will never get over him and move on while we have contact.She said he has a fantasy woman and at the moment he will be trying out a few women and each one of them not the fantasy, but as he ages the pool of women gets smaller, all the while he is keeping me in the background, until his pool is a puddle and I am the best and only option left.

I do understand what she is saying , just getting that email made my emotional state heightened for a couple of days, I felt a little sad while camping knowing that it would have been us together had our reconciliation worked out. I also have this thing in my head about "who is going to fancy a middle aged, broke, balding, wobbly woman" and that h is the one who accepts how I look as he has been with me throughout, someone is better than no one kind of thing.

I know its stuff I need to work through and find a way of accepting it. I don't expect him to be interested in me again, he has made it very clear he isn't anymore, and I am not sure I could be with him now anyway. We just don't seem to be able to walk away from each other permanently, when one talks the other listens and responds, the cycle continues, until one of us is strong enough to say "no more".

Right, well my laundry is done and it will be an early night for me before work tomorrow. I have had a really lovely weekend, highs and lows in the feelings game but happy that I am living life and experiencing new things and places.

Thanks for reading xoxo

[ciluzen]

Hey LouR! I've been reading along. I'm jealous of your tent and tent adventure. I love the outdoors and hike around all over with my pup, but haven't taken the next step in finding a tent as you have (all of my camping equipment was for a family of four and not made for packing on my back).

So, just weighing in on the thyroid thing. My Dr. could not get my levels under control with meds for years (I have Hashimoto's). Then I went to a lecture in which the speaker spoke briefly about the connection in the increase in thyroid issues and decrease in use of iodized table salt (high salt packaged foods and fast foods do not have iodine) and foods containing iodine in the average diet. When I started salting with iodized table salt and adding more iodine containing foods (fish and seaweed, eggs) to my diet, my thyroid levels stated evening out. Just adding kelp powder to my smoothies in the morning helped! Just a thought. I'm very inspired by your posts!

[job]

Lou,
I am so glad that your first camping trip went well. The waterfall sounds delightful and I'm sure you enjoyed seeing it, but I am sad to read that it was only a trickle because of the dry weather. So, where will you go next? The same place or somewhere different?

I think you did the right thing in acknowledging that you had received the money. No whacks from me. We can't lower ourselves to their level and by thanking them for the things that they do is the best way to go. It shows them that we have manners and can acknowledge them for the "good" deeds that they do.

Please take care of yourself. I can't wait to hear of your next adventure!