Oh, yeah, one other thing I did, and it has really seemed to help me. I had her in my phone as "[name] aka Wifey", and I changed her name to [name]. That has really helped me, in seeing that she is just a woman, how is treating me like crap.
I like this idea. May just have to do it to mine.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks Jeep, Removing that we had a special relationship from her name was weird at first, when she would call or text, but it has been a day now. I figure she doesn't want to treat me like her husband, why should I reserve a special spot for her.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
I applaud how you told her to stop yelling or you would end the call. I hope you will continue to call her out whenever she shows disrespectful behavior. Once you have her respect back, her attraction for you will return. That is how we gals are wired. Don't give up working on your improved body. I can imagine how it was a terrible blow to hear her repeat how she was still not attracted to you, and after losing nearly 50 lbs! That just shows how her attraction button is currently flawed.
(I'm going to say this, and it is on very general terms.) Women can admire a handsome man.....however, when it comes to a serious relationship, we want to have those "in love" feelings for the one we M. It's like everything in our lives are tied to our feelings/emotions. That's why it is more difficult for women to compartmentalize the physical act of sex from the emotions of being in love. (At least, that's the way it used to be.) Men seem able to separate the two more easily.
As one WH told his LBW, "It was just sex, not love". Men are able to see a sexually attractive woman he doesn't know.... and desire to have sex with her right then & there....and then he can go on about his business without having to sort out in his mind what, why, and how of everything about this woman he just had sex with. He doesn't have to check with his feelings about her or having sex with her. He wanted it, had it, and now he's a happy camper. Well, women can physically do the same thing, (and maybe even some can handle it emotionally) but usually, it's more complicated for us.....b/c of how we are wired.
IMHO, that's often why having sex is usually decided on how she feels at that given time. Her emotional feelings come into play, and whatever has been said or done between the two of you throughout the day/week can affect her level of desire for you. She can always just go through the motions, or she may come up with some excuse for not wanting sex right then, or it could be a legit physical problem she's having.....but most times it's based on her current emotions about you.
Therefore, you can see how years of resentment and disrespect can shut down a woman's feelings of desire. The good news is that the attraction can return, when she starts respecting you as a man.
You told your W she was going to do whatever she wanted, regardless of how you felt. You are correct. And, it irritates you that she calls to ask, then she does whatever she wants. In other words, your feelings don't matter to her. So do you know why she's calling you? IMHO, she is pretending to be transparent, but she is still playing you.
Whenever I read how the WW is giving excuses for spending nights away from home, I see a big red flag waving. She calls and gives you her story why she has to stay overnight at someone's house. She is even prepping you for a possible upcoming trip to CA, by making statements of how she needs to go there to clear her mind.
Another concern I saw, was when she said that she & OM2 were currently "just friends". Once a W has an EA with OM......they cannot simply fall back into being co-workers or friends. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see your response to her statement.
I hope she will stick to five more counseling sessions (if the counselor doesn't encourage her to divorce), but don't be surprised if she doesn't go back.
How are you doing with personal goals?
Have you thought about the next boundary you plan to use, if necessary?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would not really be surprised if she bailed. I was talking with my sister about how it went, and I really believe that she wants to do a couple of sessions, and say, see it is not working, we tried, I want out.
I was reading through some other posts today, and I cam across a thread from 2015. I think the persons name was Eye something. He was only posting for 10 months, and ended up becoming a WAH, moved on and started dating a woman named "J". In the end he realized that he had been unhappy the whole time. I see a lot of myself in his 2 threads.
I have realized that I have walked on egg shells around my wife trying to avoid fights because of her easy to anger personality. She has always said that she was a people pleaser, but she never really did anything special for me. So she would try to please everyone else, but me. I mean she yells at our dogs when they are excited to see her (since she is hardly there anymore), and they get in her space.
I am not avoiding your question on om2, sandi2, I just don't remember. Everything has become a blur.
So personal goals: do cardio 5x week (which I am doing)
lift weights 2x week (which I just started doing)
do something nice for myself 1x week (this could be going out to dinner, or for example tonight I am going to buy a new suit a Macy's big sale, all my old suits are really big)
Try new things that interest me (I have signed up for a cooking class, and if I enjoy it, I will do more of them).
I am thinking about signing up for "hot yoga", but I still have not decided on that one yet. That is a little out there for me.
So I guess with those last two, really focusing on GAL.
A big personal goal is to stop spying. I have 10 days sober on that.
Another personal goal is to command respect.
So then as far as my next boundary, she always says when she goes out that if she doesn't text or call me, that I should text her. I haven't done this, because my thoughts are she is the one that needs to prove something to me. But if it happens again, I plan to tell her it is disrespectful, and to protect myself I she should plan to stay away from the house for the rest of the next day.
If we are having any kind of talk above idle chit chat (which I have not initiated) and she is on her phone, tablet, or computer, I will walk away and not talk to her while she is on an electronic device.
My IC thinks I need to give her ultimatum, which I don't agree with at this junction, but my patients is wearing thin.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Removing that we had a special relationship from her name was weird at first, when she would call or text, but it has been a day now. I figure she doesn't want to treat me like her husband, why should I reserve a special spot for her.
I changes mine to a name/term she hated.... "baby momma".
It sounds that you are doing very well and have a great sense of direction. Keep up the good work!
In response to sandi2's post, I also truly believe that women need an emotional connection in order to have a physical one. With that being said, there are a lot of WW's that start off with an EA so how are we to believe they are not going to turn into, if not already, to a PA? If so, then at what point do we realize that they are done with the M and move on?
Reading up on your sitch I did not see anywhere that she confessed to a PA (even though she didn't confess to EA), correct? Just curious on what your thoughts would be if there has been a PA? Wasn't she at OM2's house?
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
So she has admitted to me that she crossed the line emotionally with a om1. I think in her head she doesn't think it was an affair. We all know different.
Yes, I overheard her say she was at om2 house. She of course denies it, and says I can't tell anything from a one sided conversation. A liar is gonna lie, though.
If I had definitive proof that she had a PA, then I would have no problems leaving. That comes from seeing my Mom struggle with my Dad's PA in childhood. In fact there have been several times that i just wished she would say there was a PA, so i would stop trying to work on the marriage and be confident in my decision to end it.
I actually had a conversation tonight, with my younger sister. She is in medical school, and has already done her psychiatry rotation. When i was talking to her tonight she said I sounded like I was working my way (in a healthy way) thought the 5 stages of grief.
She said I went through denial pretty quickly. Then I went through my anger stage, blowing up every time i found a text message or something. I went through a brief bargaining period (God if you stop this, I will devote my life to you). She says it sounds like I am going through some depression right now. But she said pretty soon i will just accept that our relationship is over, and will have no qualms with getting divorced.
But, then she also said maybe things will turn around and it won't come to that point. We both kind of laughed a little when she said it, because neither one of really thinks that she will turn around.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
WW's friend (the one that had an ea on her husband) and her husband got legally separated yesterday. WW told me that her friend was out drinking and wanted her to go. She said she wasn't going to go.
With the exception of one call in the morning, we didn't talk all day. When she got home (she cut her mom's neighbors hair), she talked to her mom in the garage for a bit.
She came in we talked about finances, and then she rudely asked me to get her a bill. I called her out, and said I am not talking to you like that, and you will not talk to me like that.
She then got quiet, and asked in a better tone.
I went to bed at 10, and have no idea what she did.
This morning, I went to see her dad because I wanted to since he had a feeding tube put in. He told me that they decided not to do the jaw surgery, and he will just live with it.
I did text her an update, and she was very cold in her response.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Seems to me that you are handling things quite well. Good on ya!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Re those stages of grief, they usually aren't so linear, meaning you may cycle back and forth into stages you thought you were done with. Acceptance comes, then slips away, anger hits you out of the blue, you can be said on MOnday, happy Tuesday, and raging beet red in the face Wednesday. What you want is higher lows and higher highs, over time, and you'll get where you need to go, eventually.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
