You asked me if I gave up hope and my answer is yes, I did. However when I gave up hope, I was incredibly heartbroken, anxious, and underweight from stress. My healthy and strong self today can see that there was hope and that there always is hope. Although my definition of hope has also evolved.
The hope that I gave up, was a hope that we could ever be together, be a family, and be happy again. Today, I can see clearly that that was me hanging on too tight and being afraid of being alone. The trauma of him leaving led to my false belief that I couldn't be okay without him.
Now I see that there is always hope. There is hope for all of you. The hope is that things will get better, we can have peace and joy in life, and that we really don't "need" anyone else to be okay in this life. 2016, you don't need this man anymore. You have all you need right now, you just can't see it with a broken heart.
So right now, I would encourage you to stop focusing on him and his every move. Stop focusing on if you did/said/reacted the right way. You are okay just the way you are! Please believe this about yourself.
He is choosing to leave. Let him. Let him go. Now, you get time to be the best you and best mom without him. Take your gift of time. Change your mindset. Let's start talking about your 180s, GAL, and DB efforts. I want to read about all your changes and postive steps and how you are finding a better you.
As you find this best version of yourself, you may not even want this man. But you cannot make that decision now, it's too soon. This takes a very long time. As your grow into the beautiful, strong, confident woman that you want to be, then you can re-evaluate your life and your M. If he still doesn't want a part of it, the he is the FOOL!
So let him go. You have no choice because he is gone. This is a gift he is giving you. It's time to slowly work on you---what are you doing, how are you changing, who do you want to be? This is how you learn to love yourself. Take your power back. Then and only then, can you revisit if you even want this man. A happy and strong you may not.
You can do this. Believe in yourself. Don't look back and don't try to measure success. When you have success, you will know!!!
You have a beautiful writing style. Have you thought about taking a class in writing? You mentioned you like philosophy, tell me more. What kind of work do you do? Tell me about your son, your friends and family,, and what makes you happy. Let's stop focusing on him and start here.
XOXO Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
OT: See by your tag that you are in DC. Was stationed an hour and half south in MD. Went into DC many, many times over the tour. Is the Old Post Office back up and available? I know the Museum of Natural History had the dinosaur area closed for renovation for a while. Man I miss that place. Back when the everything was right in the world for us.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Don't worry 2016. You are human. And with these types of emotions at play we are bound to say things in ways that we are not proud of. But there was truth to it, no?
Anyway. I am convinced that if your spouse wants to return, nothing you say will deter him. Just like if your spouse wants to leave there is nothing you can say or do that will convince him to stay.
It's hard coming to terms with the lack of control we have in all this.
Except we do have control and that's in how we move forward.
The best advice I received to cope with acute BD was in one of my early threads when I posted as julie. It was that you should be...
Thank you so much for this beautiful message. I've read it a couple of times now and each time it makes me well up. Your compassion is palpable.
I think I've given up hope now. I'm still doing all the things I was doing before - GALing, praying, in effect, I'm still standing for the marriage, but I've given up hope that anything I do will make any difference to him. To me maybe, but not to him. Leaving that to the big guy now.
The way you described hope was an eye opener. You're totally right in that I equated hope with reconciliation, but hope should be about healing and recovering, with or without family intact.
I am really struggling with letting go because I am only in this country because of WH. I would never have left my home country if not for him. I recognise I am bitter because I feel like he took my life, my best years, and just trashed me when he didn't want me anymore. He moves on effortlessly, but I am on my knees scrabbling for the broken pieces of my life, and given the way I'm feeling, I may be for a few years yet.
That's the real difficulty for me. I have made a friend in a neighbour who is going through the same thing, but she didn't move here for her WH. And she has no kids. So even though she rages and says we're in the same boat, I look at her and think, I would much rather be in your boat. At least once she's done with her divorce, she never need lay eyes on her WH again and she can move on with her life choosing to believe he was a bad dream. Whereas us with kids, and with me not wanting to be here, every day is a living nightmare.
If I hadn't met WH, I wouldn't have left my home. My home is a 13 hour flight away. Everyone I love outside of my marriage is there - my parents, my family, my oldest friends. My security is there. My heart is there.
I want to go back to my home more than anything. I wake up every morning and my first thought is "God, help me through this day". And my last prayer is to thank God for helping me through another day. I miss my home so much. I dream about it. I dreamt about my friends the other night. They were all lining up to hug me and I cried as I embraced each one. I miss them so much. These are people I grew up with. I have friends here but they are new friends. For socialising. A few have already dropped me because of my sitch. Because I'm no longer the laugh I was before - too much of a drag.
The other day I FaceTimed my dad and instead of being home as he normally is, he was outside. I could see the sky and the trees behind him, heard the noises of the street. The homesickness hit me like a blow. I could feel the warmth of the air, I could feel the breeze... I was shocked by my own reaction.
I've told WH I will give it until October to try to make it work here before reconsidering leaving. Before, at the back of my mind I thought it would also give me a chance to repair things with WH. But now, I don't have that hope anymore. On Monday last week he announced to the mediator that he had to divorce me because his girlfriend won't go out with married man! Great! What a saint!
I am only staying here, watching WH prance off to OW, my broken heart rotting in my chest, because of my son. I always thought I would kill for him. I didn't expect it would be a bit of me I'd have to destroy.
I have just read your last post and reading how you are somewhere you don't want to be because you moved for him. I can only answer quickly right now and will write later but I know how you are feeling. I have moved twice for my WW, both times into countries where I didn't speak the language. It's really hard but remember, you showed more courage making that move than the one that runs away.
I will read more of your story and write again soon.
I am really struggling with letting go because I am only in this country because of WH. I would never have left my home country if not for him. I recognise I am bitter because I feel like he took my life, my best years, and just trashed me when he didn't want me anymore. He moves on effortlessly, but I am on my knees scrabbling for the broken pieces of my life, and given the way I'm feeling, I may be for a few years yet.
I think we all struggle with letting go. Ah, the bitterness. It will go away in time. Mine did. Then came roaring back...then disappeared again...etc.
I know the feeling, I'm still on my knees scrabbling for the broken pieces, too. Sigh.
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I want to go back to my home more than anything.
I can definitely relate to this. What would be the implications if you just up and went home - could you afford and do it? Maybe that's the kickstart you are looking for.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
That's a really kind message you've sent. I don't know how you strike that balance though - moving on and keeping that door open. For me, it takes effort and time to keep that door open, because I have to be pleasant to him, which is a total 180 for me now because all I want to do is never ever see his face again, hear his name again. Just seeing his email address in my inbox makes me feel lousy. I can't believe I had a kid with this jerk.
I've started with a new counsellor and after the first session she said, given my description of our history together, that he was checked out of the marriage many years ago, as far back as 2010, when he was, in her words, already in an 'open relationship'. That staggered me. I was so naive I believed everything he said about being sorry and never doing it again. Not only has he done it again, but ramped it up a few notches.
Do you mind me asking if you are open to reconciliation? I feel I am at a crossroads now. Just as WH has rewritten history, I feel I have a choice to reinterpret things myself. All this time I was operating on the basis that WH is a good man doing a bad thing. And that he did love me once. After this session with the counsellor, I am struggling because she's made me reconsider this. I think WH is more weak than I ever imagined, and he never really loved me. He was in limerance with me, and then when that wore off we were already married and he didn't know how to extricate himself, hence all the exit affairs.
Si_07 - I would LOVE to hear from you about this when you have time. I've not met anyone else in my sitch before.
Jeep - I would go back home in a heartbeat. When WH's double life was revealed I automatically made plans to do so. My prospects in my home country are much better than they are here - I have the networks there and went to the right schools, which means something there but not here where I am. Financially, emotionally, psychologically I would be better off. The only reason why I am staying is so my son can see his father on a regular basis, i.e. several times a week instead of having to go a few months apart.
