Oh Cheesy, I am so sorry. This is terribly painful. Of course you are angry! She is being incredibly hurtful and selfish. Hold on to your heart right now and up the ante on self care.
I think you are doing the right thing by keeping communication short and cordial. She doesn't deserve to see your vulnerabilities and pain--save that for your safe poeple and keep venting here. Also, if a legal battle is starting, don't give her any stones to throw at you. Keep documenting, as you are, to protect yourself.
I want to leave you with something new to think about. You talk a lot about how much you love her and miss her. Can you truly love someone that can treat you this way? Do you not deserve better? If not, then ask yourself why? Only YOU can asnwe these questions, not us. Even if this isn't who you married, this unfortunately IS who she is right now. So allow your hurt and anger to facilitate detachment. This process starts when you can say to yourself, "I am important, worthy of love and respect, and I deserve that from a partner."
So what do you do now? You treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. It is that simple. You GAL, 180, and DB your heart out. not for her--put her on the back shelf right now--but because Cheesy needs to find herself again. Over time, you will become the new and improved Cheesy that you would not have become if you stayed in this M. This is the silver lining for us all.
It has been years past for me, and no I didn't D, but I finally feel this happening. It's so liberating and incredible to realize that you only need yourself.
Hugs! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
This is entitled stuff by your WW. In her eyes in is her right to claim half.
I would ask though are your accounts and Fins safe? The Giggalo pulled all sorts of tricks after he left, nothing, nothing surprises me about those with entitlement.
The D phase with an entitled spouse is really tough. Stay calm, if you get angry please let that be white anger so it is with direction.
Frankly I would ask for the cash she took and if you ever owe her any cash then ensure you get it back by deduction.
I wish you peace and calm, I know that you are level headed and think carefully before you act so I am sure you will act with kin dress to yourself.
Breathe dear heart
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The road to the big D is on its way. Received email from W this morning. Asking what time I’d like to meet her on march 1 to sign paperwork she filled for D process. I told her my understanding was that I have to be served and that I am not signing anything unless I have a moment to look over it. To which she replied with 3 options. And telling me that she basically suggests I take 1 or 2, of meeting to have her serve me and I can take the paperwork to look over, or we file jointly. Option 3 was she serves me. She quoted one of my texts, that I love her and D10 and that I wouldn’t fight divorce. I replied with you’re right I don’t want D, I will not file jointly. Option 3 it is. I don’t like that she’s still putting rules, and making me do things. Or trying to. Everything on her time. No. I’m important too. I can’t just drop my life to go meet her on Wednesday because all of a sudden she decided she’s going to file.
I also texted her telling her I’ve contacted the cellphone company to authorize her to take her lines, and told her to take them. I don’t need her seeing who I’m calling (lawyers) from what I understand, we both called the same lawyer to retain him. I called last week, no one called me back so I called again they took my information down, set up and appointment they asked for my W’s info. Then they called me back about 5 min later saying there was a conflict of interest and that no one in the firm could take my case. GREAT. The whole city and we pick the same one. Settled on a lawyer who told me not meet with her, not to sing anything, wait to get served then bring the paperwork to him and see where we land. He think’s best case scenario she might offer some $ from the marital property. Worst case she offers nothing and we have to “fight” for it. In which case he said he can get aggressive if he needs to. Which I very much like.
It feels so real. This is not ideal. I keep thinking this is a dream, that my Wife will all of a sudden appear. That she will show up at my house, or call me crying and wanting to work it out. I must wrap my head around, that’s not going to happen. On the same note, I hope she’s really pissed that I am not doing things her way. My good friend told me to brace myself, that she’s most likely going to project all her anger and frustration that surround her life currently, such as MIL being sick, SOW, and any issues with D10 and D10’s Birth Father, anything and everything basically.
Blu, I’m doing my best. Somedays I feel my best is not good enough. I will keep focusing on me and self care. I feel fragile & broken. To answer your questions, Can you truly love someone that can treat you this way? Do you not deserve better? I can’t and do not love her for treating me this way. I do deserve better. I do however love the happy person I was married to. I love who we were, who we will never be again.
V – You are correct, she feels entitled. I had not thought of it in that sense. I can sense already this D is going to be tough. It has yet to start and I already feel defeated. Thank you. Sometimes I don’t remember to be kind to myself.
Gotta keep reminding myself, this woman is not my wife. This woman is looking out only for herself.
Well, I have been thinking, ALOT. I also continue reminding myself the Woman I loved and married is no longer. I am reminded everyday of this stranger that is legally my Wife. However I do not like her, at all. I am ready to move on. I am ready to get the Divorce paperwork. I asked STBXW to take her cell phone lines by yesterday, no response. This morning I called cell phone company and applied a verbal password, blocked all internet access, removed her name and email from any association. I didn’t tell her though, there’s no need to communicate, I asked her to take her lines, she didn’t. The next step is suspending her line. I will do that Monday If she’s still on my account. I will give her the weekend to figure stuff out.
The other day after my please get off the cell phone bill, STBXW sent me a text that she was on her way to the bank to close the joint bank account because she could no longer be “responsible” and wanted no association with it. We used to both work at a bank and I had a couple of charges pending (coffee and stuff) so I knew she could not close it. As did she. I believe her account text was just to get on my nerves or something. I didn’t react. Just ignored. No skin off my back.
I was talking to my coworker who’s been an amazing support, he reminded me of how stbxw acted out when she was not in control in the beginning. As well as now. She’s kind of a jerk. I didn’t expect a thank you or a cookie for allowing taxes jointly, or even keeping her cell this long (not paying, just allowing the same plan) but geez, how does one go through life just taking and taking from others? Ungrateful. It’s unbelievable. Also a friend told me it shows stbxw’s true character and she pointed out acting like a jerk back won’t get me closer to my previous goal (softening my W’s heart) but being nice wont either. So I do things, like filing taxes to help her because I want to. I changed my passwords because I want to. I cancelled her cable because I wanted off the bills. Not because I was mad, or because I was trying to retaliate, I did things because they make me feel better. Less stressed. Though, I know in stbxw's eyes, I’m being a jerk. At this point it’s not my responsibility to make her life easier, or harder, or really care about it. Her circus, her monkeys.
I also filled out paperwork to change my beneficiaries from my insurance. As well as the EFT account to my Sole checking. I felt really good. I am ready to get the divorce paperwork. I am ready to close this chapter of my life. I want to move on.
This current woman is not the one for me. I do not like her, trust her, or have any positive feelings toward her. That woman is a stranger. The woman I married, loved, shared 6 beautiful years with and a child with is long gone. Left for her nursing school trip and NEVER returned. This is MY reality.
So proud of you! I know it hasn't been an easy journey and I know it will still continue to be difficult from time to time. I'm just so glad to see you putting yourself first.
D doesn't mean your W can't ever return and that you can't ever reconcile. At this point it just means you're old M is done so to see you accept that and see the change of tone in your post to cheesty demanding the respect she deserves and detaching is great!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Well, the eager crazy woman that wanted me to sign D papers has gone MIA. I haven’t heard from her in 3 weeks today. Have not gotten served with D papers. And That’s the longest we’ve gone without communication. I also deleted my social media accounts so she could stop checking up on me. I’ve gone completely dark, and thought I’ve had some 3 great weeks…. Yesterday I was doing some clean up and I found a Sudoku book,I was about to trash it but I opened it, well there was a note on the cover from my W. a sweet little note from I don't know when, she didn’t write a date. That made me start thinking of all the good times and of course we all know what comes next. Sadness, regret, tears, pain, hurt. things we all know too well. I guess I’m still trying to reel in from that. I’m tired, I couldn’t sleep, so these don’t help. I’ve got a ton of work, stressing out slightly over that. So I know all these circumstances play into the heightened emotion I feel. But I need to keep it together. Also some thongs that crossed my mind yesterday, when will I stop wanting my W back (this usually only happens when I think happy thoughts) but when will that cease? When will I be able to think back “ok we had a good run” and not lose my mind? With that, I feel as though I’m just going with life pretending she didn’t exist. Is this healthy? I don't know.. Also, a year ago tomorrow my W left for her nursing trip and never returned. It’s been a year since I lost my wife. Almost a year since BD. BD happened shortly after she came back from her trip.
On my personal life, I’ve been really busy juggling work, running, school and friends. I booked a trip to Mexico. My aunt and I are going across Mexico for about a week and visiting some cities / ruins. It should be fun. I am truly enjoying my friends. With each day that passes I feel a stronger connection to each of them. It’s really nice. I spoke to a friend that’s having issues with her bf. Some things that came up were, how he was being a jerk and ruined her day. Also she asked when is enough enough? I told her she’s responsible for her own happiness, that no one can make her happy but herself. That even though it’s hard we mustn't let someone else's issues become or ruin our day. I also told her no one can tell her when enough is enough, she needs to decide that for herself. She said I had good advice, and that made me feel good. And I noticed I threw in some validation. Ahhhh the magical things we learn!
that’s it. I’m feeling better just by writing these thoughts out.
