Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 152
S
sellout Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 152
Ok, so an update from over the last 48 hours or so. So she spent the night with OM on Tuesday night.
We were cancelled at this point to go the marriage counseling course which was to take place Wednesday evening at 6:30pm.
Around 2:30 on Wednesday I got a call from her, which is odd at this point as everything has been running through texts for last 7 weeks.
She found out that I had dinner with a friend (female).
This female friend is ONLY a friend and I have known her for many years.
Wife decided to pretty much flip out on me and yell at me about this.
Keep in mind she has been dating OM for 7 weeks.
NOW she cares that I had an innocent dinner with a friend. Comments ranged from “I hope you’re happy”, “This is the woman you want to be around our son”, etc… Shortly after we got off the phone, she texted me and said “I am Breaking it off with OM”.
I asked her why and she said because she is confused, it’s not worth it, etc.
15 min later she texted again and said it was official that she broke it off with him. I let things simmer and then decided to ask her to go to the marriage counseling thing at the church that night which started in about 3 hours from this point. She said she didn’t know and for me to do what I needed to do. I finally said that’s it, Im coming to pick you up at 5:30 and we are going to this thing, which she agreed.

About 15 min before I was scheduled to pick her up, she called and asked if we could meet somewhere nearby in a parking lot and then ride from there?
I agreed but asked why. She said she was not ready to pour salt on the wounds of the OM across the street. In her mind she was concerned that he would see me picking her up.
So at this point a couple of things come to mind.
1) Did she even break it off with him,
2) If she did break it off with him, did she tell him that she was going to attempt to work things out with me? Ok, so we met in parking lot and proceeded to drive almost an hour with traffic to this counseling church event.
The entire time was awkward, contentious and uncomfortable. I was very calm the whole time but she was combative.
I kept my cool. Several times I wanted to make a U-turn and take her home!! We attend the event which was amazing btw, but she had a middle of the road at best attitude towards it the entire time.
On the way home I asked her what she thought and she said she didn’t know.
I asked her what her ultimate plan was and she said she didn’t know.
She didn’t know if she wanted to try and work it out with me or whatever.
I dropped her off at her car and she went on her way.
I went and picked up our son from the grandparents’ house and took him home.
I had to help him inside with some of his bag, etc. Ona normal night, wife is a busy body, in the kitchen, media room, just up doing something especially at this time of night.
When I walked in she was just lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. I didn’t say anything and left. That night around midnight she texted me saying that Im lying about that OW, and she knows there is more (which there isn’t). Her to text at this time of night is highly unusual. I didn’t respond.
She texted me at 7:15am the next morning, “You have nothing to say”? I told her I was not lying and was not going to continue these types of conversations with her.
She continued for the majority of yesterday morning with the same types of texts about “I can’t believe you would choose this girl” “She is trashy, ugly, can’t you do any better, etc”. I ignored them.
At this point I went on to try and create a 2 week look ahead on visitation for our son. I jotted some dates together on a calendar and sent them to her.
She said it’s too sloppy to read and that she will look into it later and let me know.
That was about 24 hours ago and neither one of us have texted or called each other since.
As you can see her behavior is a complete 180 of what she has been doing and acting in the last 7 weeks.
Has she finally realized what she is doing is wrong?
Has she broken down?
For the first time ever she said she needs counseling.
What is going on in her head?
What is my game plan at this point?

Last edited by Cadet; 02/24/17 12:43 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 152
S
sellout Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 152
Any thoughts, comments?


Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: sellout
Has she finally realized what she is doing is wrong?
Probably not
Originally Posted By: sellout

Has she broken down?
Doubtful
Originally Posted By: sellout

For the first time ever she said she needs counseling.
What is going on in her head?
What is my game plan at this point?

Good that she is going to counseling
Her head - think of the aftermath of a hurricane or tornado,
looks like that.

Your game plan is to keep DB'ing.
Take the focus off of her and put it on YOU.

So what are your goals right now?
What are you doing to work on them?


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted By: sellout
Any thoughts, comments?



Lots....

However...

Stay with what YOU have been doing...working on yourself...

Nothing has changed, and nothing will change, until she says it has changed...

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Sellout

There is a precious 12 year old child involved and observing this horrible mess of an R and M between his parents.

It is time for YOU to grow up and be the dad that you should be to this little boy. That is my view. There are some amazing dads on this forum who put their children first.

A child observing this teenager behaviour of his parents isn't good in my view. At this time as the more stable parent it is my opinion that you have to step up to the plate and be a rock dad.

Your child needs you to be solid.

And frankly your child comes first.

This is a view and i believe things can change, firstly you are here in DB land and you have been clear and honest. I commend you for this, it is an enormous step and an important step. In twelve steps it is step 1 and without acceptance of your role in it, your sitch can't change.

There is a great deal of work to do for you on you. Your WW and your M are secondary as to whether this mum is fit to be around her child. Children are more aware of waywardness than you know and neither of you have been discrete, your WW is visible with the neighbour across the street. Not good at all, affairs with those who are willing and close to hand. Indiscriminate even.

This requires therapy for you and your son, I think so. An investment in your change and care of S12.

From that which you have written I observe the desire for change and growth.

So what are your goals for this change? In which ways do you need maturity? How will you achieve THEM?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 152
S
sellout Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 152
Ok, so it’s been about 3 weeks and wanted to provide update, details and get some opinions. She is still seeing OM and now completely open about it. She stays at his house on some nights and I am still living in my own apartment a few miles away. She has openly admitted to having unprotected sex with him and she is not on birth control. This is highly out of character for her because she is VERY health conscience. We have been talking less and less and basically just through text for coordination purposes for our son. A few nights ago out of nowhere she texted me song lyrics (of “our” songs) and said she misses me. She went on to say that she is soooo depressed, confused, conflicted and that she broke down tonight and balled and cried in the bed for hours. I said the same and she ended the texting with “I love you”. Of course the next day things went back to normal where I’m angry about her still seeing the OM, etc… and the next couple of days were up/down. Then it got so bad and I couldn’t handle it anymore that I went and re-filed the divorce papers yesterday morning and texted her images of the paperwork showing her that I court date is scheduled for 4/7/17. She texted me back immediately saying “I hope you’re happy”. My response was “not yet, but I will be”. No communication throughout the day and at 7:30 last night I get a text out of the blue asking if I was busy and if not, would I go to dinner with her? I agreed and went to dinner thinking she was going to have a change of heart, tell me she dropped the OM and let’s work it out. Nope! She wanted to just “talk” caused she misses me and the “the only things we have talked about for the past 2.5 months is the situation”. I again for the millionth time told her I have no desire to have dinner with her, talk to her, etc. under the pretense that she is still seeing OM. The dinner lasted for about 30 min and then I left somewhat abruptly saying I was done and please don’t pull a “stunt” like this again. We texted a little afterwards and she said she just misses me but she is still 50/50 on if she wants to save marriage or stick with OM (causes he treats her like she deserves to be treated). She says, “what if I she decides to work on the marriage and it doesn’t work out”, then she has lost the OM too. She claims she is in a lose/lose situation. Some back and forth text in the middle of the night and finally I got so fed up with it this morning that my last text to her was to inform her that I am blocking her # and I will not accept any more calls/texts (which I did about 2 hours ago). I told her the next time we talk will be in court. So basically the last week she has started to show emotion over this whole thing and admits she is depressed and doesn’t know what she wants to do vs 100% wanting to get a divorce. To me, her not knowing and continuing the relations with OM is making her choice. I can’t/won’t stick around and be her doormat as bad as it hurts. Am I looking at this wrong? Until 2 hours ago Ive don’t a poor job of detaching including agreeing to meet her for dinner last night. My though was that if I didn’t meet her on her request I could be losing out on one of the last opportunities that possibly existing. When leaving she wanted to engage in a long romantic hug (which I declined) and she was upset saying, “you should hug me, it could be the last time we hug”. As of now, her calls/texts are blocked. If she really wants to, she can call/text from our sons phone or email me. What to do????


Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
What do you want to do? Do you want her back? Even after all she has done? Why?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Have you read Vanilla's post above?
What is your progress with those things?

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
Originally Posted By: sellout
To me, her not knowing and continuing the relations with OM is making her choice. I can’t/won’t stick around and be her doormat as bad as it hurts. Am I looking at this wrong?

I think you know the answer. You need to detach. Stop meeting her, stop texting her. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too. She isn't even hiding that fact. Don't make yourself an option, make yourself a choice. Don't make yourself available to her so she has to actually see what life is like without you.

Of course, this is all if you even want to work on things. You've set a court date and have seemed adamant at times to get divorced. Decide where you want things to go and stick to a plan. Either way though, limit your contact with her as much as possible. She'll just continue coming in and out of your life and put you through heartache. Leave her be and focus on yourself.


Me: 33 W: 33
EA: mid 10/16
BD: 12/10/16
PA1: 12/12/16 - 12/15/16
PA2: 12/30/16 - 1/1/17
I filed for D: 1/3/17
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 152
S
sellout Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 152
Do I want her back? I feel that I do, but is it only to "keep the family intact" or because I want what I can have? I dont think so, but its possible.

Our son is not aware of what is going on. He will find out one day and that will suck.


Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard