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So how is 2016 supposed to react? Showing her pain and anger to WH does not serve her, as a matter of fact it can result in spinning in your own pain. She should reserve her more vulnerable side for her trusted friends. The stronger and more confident she makes herself the more attractive she becomes, not just to her WH but everyone. Also, if the WH can't point to his LBW behavior then it lands him smack into introspection territory.

Look, I am in the infantile stages of piecing but I've have slipped multiple times into showing my WH my rage, hurt and bitterness. It pushed him further away as well as left myself feeling weak and like a failure. When I started dressing up, spending a lot of time busy talking to my support friends and doing more self care it strengthened me. I'll be honest, part of the reason was to influence his attraction to me but also because I REALLY needed to regain my confidence. Meanwhile my WH started to see the old Sara and was drawn back to me. He also had to face the fact that I was not responsible for his wayward behavior, though my anger and resentment certainly didn't help the health of our marriage before his affair. My ability to NOT react as he expected made him doubt all the "truths" he felt about me. My DBing coach reiterated this into my head, reactivity does not help me, my marriage, or my ability to parent. The plan is to ACT first and not REACT to the wayward spouses emotional ups and downs.

Does screaming, harping, interrogating the wayward spouse bring them back? In my limited experience, no. Remorse is a tall order and it's like selling a very expensive car. You let the buyer sit in the car, smell the leather seats, feel the purr of the engine and then drive it around. Once the buyer wants it soooo bad do you show the price. My WH has entered regret and shows slivers of remorse. It is so early and he has a HUGE mountain to climb with regards to introspection to find out why he allowed himself to violate his own beliefs and values.

This is just my two cents, 2016, take it with a large grain of salt. I've made DBing a way of life for myself because after paying IC and MC gobs of money and getting poor results or worsening results, DB was what actually worked. But it takes a huge amount of time and endurance. MWD encourages the GAL so that you can get respite from the intensity of DBing with the WS.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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PsySara - great post! Thank you!


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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JujuB - I totally get what you mean and I’m really touched by your advice because I can see you're saying ‘Stop, pothole ahead on recovery road!’. Don’t worry, I’m not posting from the same place of desperation when you first encountered me. In the last few weeks something has clicked in me. I still want to save the marriage, but not at any cost anymore. IF WH decides to ever come back, he’s going to have to be committed to making changes too.

A large part of the reason why I am willing to consider reconciliation despite his appalling track record is twofold - first, I believe he is fundamentally a good man. A totally screwed up, damaged man, but a good man nonetheless. Second, I came across some material that explains serial adultery. It doesn’t apply in all cases, but I felt it described WH’s behaviour. Serial adultery is explained as a poor coping mechanism for pain; relief from the pain is being sought through sensuality.

I think WH is a total mess. Which is why I’m much more relaxed about the OW situation now. She can have the total wreck he is. And if I’ve got it wrong and he isn’t a total wreck, well, then I love him enough to say, good on you, congrats on finding that really special someone. I don’t want to trap someone in an unhappy life with me, even for my son’s sake.

I get that he doesn’t want to be in the marriage. Totally get that. I guess you would say I am still standing for the marriage because I believe as well that emotions can change. He might hate my guts now, because he’s referencing the old me who would rip his head off every time he did something small wrong. Might he hate the new me, the me I want to be, for me and my son, the person who’s more chilled and laid back and altogether happier for it? Maybe. Doesn’t matter. I’m still going to be that person. If he doesn’t like the new me, someone else will. And even if no one else in the Universe does, I will, and that’s enough for me.

6 weeks ago I was desperate to save the marriage at ALL costs. I wouldn’t have minded if he came home even if OW was still in the picture. Something’s happened since then - I think I’ve detached a bit more. I think you guys on this forum have helped A LOT. There’s a lot more shrugging and less wringing of hands. It’s not giving up per se, but a position of surrender. Part of my GAL is exploring my spiritual development and I keep coming up against this message - let it go. Give it up to the Higher One, the Source, God, whatever you want to call Him. Have faith, be a decent person, walk with integrity, and it will all work out because this is literally the best you can do. I can’t control my WH, only myself. As long as I am proud of how I am conducting myself, the rest of it is just pfiffle.

The old me would have cancelled my dinner plans tonight to rush back to be all light and cheery in WH’s face. I am still going to be light and cheery when I have to see him later, when he wants to talk about the divorce settlement, but for me - I have recovered my self respect and I am not going to be that weak snivelling desperate W anymore. He may not know my worth anymore, but I do now.

I want to save my marriage and keep my family intact, but not at the expense of my and my son’s mental health and happiness. The only way this family can stay intact is if WH and I both want to do the healing and work to make ourselves healthier happier people. I have started on my part - WH is still revelling in sensuality and nights out because it distracts him from the pain (I think). Or it may be he has no pain and this is the life he really wants. In which case, either way, my path is clear. Even if WH came home today, I would still continue on this path. Call it GAL, call it DBing, it’s actually a bit of both. It’s being who I really want to be.


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Thanks for the message PsySara.

Your observations are totally spot on and I feel I follow in your footsteps a lot, and we have similar ways of expressing our hurt, which seems to be rage-centred. I realise it was pushing away everyone, not just WH, which is why I am so keen to change how I express myself.


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Well it went totally pear-shaped. It seems everytime I see WH now it descends into acrimony : (

I got back home after dinner much much later than I intended to - I was having such a good time with my friend I didn't want to look at the clock and when I finally did it was midnight! I had intended to be home around 10. So I legged it back home, and saw that WH had called and messaged to ask me where I was.

WH was not in a good mood when I got in. He asked, very reasonably, that during the week, could I be home before 11pm. I could stay out as late as I liked on a weekend but just not on a week day. I apologised. He then asked to speak to me quickly about the settlement he's proposed. I said I didn't think it was fair. At one point when I was trying to phrase my answer, he snapped, 'Oh just get to the point.' When I explained what I was hoping for, he got frustrated and said it was untenable because it didn't give him much to live on at the end of the month. I said I felt this was his problem because he made a choice to change his lifestyle, a choice I had no part in but was suffering for, and that I and his son shouldn't have to skimp on stuff because this was a mess of his making, not mine. This is where it all went downhill.

He said, no, you have a part in this too. I saw red here. I said I would always accept my part in the deterioration of our marriage, but I didn't walk, and I didn't cheat, so the end of the marriage has nothing to do with me that way. He said, "Great, and now you're getting mad with me which is what I didn't want." He left shortly after.

I feel awful. I feel I let myself down.


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Hey 2016!

Quote:
Well it went totally pear-shaped


I am not familiar with these terms. Must be living under a rock!

Quote:
At one point when I was trying to phrase my answer, he snapped, 'Oh just get to the point.'


They don't like it when we don't agree with their demands, do they?

Quote:
When I explained what I was hoping for, he got frustrated and said it was untenable because it didn't give him much to live on at the end of the month. I said I felt this was his problem because he made a choice to change his lifestyle, a choice I had no part in but was suffering for, and that I and his son shouldn't have to skimp on stuff because this was a mess of his making, not mine. This is where it all went downhill


I really, really like your answer. Good on ya!

Quote:
He said, no, you have a part in this too. I saw red here. I said I would always accept my part in the deterioration of our marriage, but I didn't walk, and I didn't cheat, so the end of the marriage has nothing to do with me that way. He said, "Great, and now you're getting mad with me which is what I didn't want."


Nothing wrong with that. You said things he didn't want to hear. Whats wrong with that? You are doing great!


Quote:
I feel awful. I feel I let myself down.


Why? From what you said, you did everything right. They get upset with us when we don't give in to their demands and all. They have this delusion that their choices are perfectly OK and that we should accept them. Heck, some even try to play the guilt card. I think you did wonderful. Your road is becoming shinier and shinier. Own it!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: 2016sux
I said I felt this was his problem because he made a choice to change his lifestyle, a choice I had no part in but was suffering for, and that I and his son shouldn't have to skimp on stuff because this was a mess of his making, not mine.


Originally Posted By: Jeep74
I really, really like your answer. Good on ya!


I like this answer too, and as i'm planning out a conversation i'll have in the next week i'm conflicted if I should use it. I'm going to get my DB Coach's input. But, i do like this!

Originally Posted By: 2016sux
He said, no, you have a part in this too. I saw red here. I said I would always accept my part in the deterioration of our marriage, but I didn't walk, and I didn't cheat, so the end of the marriage has nothing to do with me that way. He said, "Great, and now you're getting mad with me which is what I didn't want."


Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Nothing wrong with that. You said things he didn't want to hear. Whats wrong with that? You are doing great!


Same thing - i like this answer, but am conflicted if it would push my wife away more or if it would be a 180 or some other DB technique.

Bottom line - 2016sux rocked those responses. way to go. I want to figure out if it would be a good approach in my situation.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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Quote:
as i'm planning out a conversation


Keep in mind that planned conversations, like battle plans, are thrown out the window as soon as the shooting starts...

Quote:
2016sux rocked those responses


Yes. Yes she did.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Thanks Jeep, and KevinIn. You guys are great.

I still feel crap though, because as KevinIn astutely pointed out, this is not a 180 for me. Just more of the same. I find it difficult to strike that balance, where I am supposed to be firm but gracious. I think because I am not experienced at being gracious and calm when disagreeing with him (somehow I can do it with other people but emotions too near the surface with WH), I go to the extreme of doormat, and then swing wildly the other way because I get so annoyed with myself, straight to T-Rex frown

KevinIn - if you get feedback from your DB coach, would be so grateful if you would pop back in to share.


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Quote:
I go to the extreme of doormat, and then swing wildly the other way because I get so annoyed with myself, straight to T-Rex frown


Been there. Had to laugh at the T-Rex reference. I just pictured you running around with your arms shortened and making T-Rex noises. Bahaha. Sorry, that just popped into my head.

You are doing fine!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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