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Thank you all for the responses. Wonka, you are so funny and on point.

I know I am still way too attached and way too sensitive. It has been one of the most challenging aspects of DBing for me.

I think I understand what everyone is ultimately saying, that if I detach, I won't feel it as criticism?

Another way I was looking at this is in wondering if the problem is how I have internalized these types of comments from him in the past. I have taken them as veiled criticisms and become angry and lashed back.

So in trying to figure out my issues, I am trying to figure out if these are in fact veiled criticisms or if it's because of MY issues I am perceiving them that way. If it's my issue, then I need to get to the bottom of why that remark bothers me. (Aside from the need to detach.) What is it about that remark triggers me? If he is being PA or veiling his criticism, then I can keep searching. Does that make better sense?

When it comes down to it, I don't care what H thinks about me feeding S bananas. Bottom line is I am going to learn my lessons and strive to do what's best. (Like not feeding him too many bananas.)

I just want to know if I am clearly seeing and feeling what is happening. I need to know how my issues and baggage have affected how I interact, not just with him, but everyone. For me, that is part of the work.

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Hello there!

It's been a rough twenty-four hours. Sadly, H's work colleague died suddenly yesterday. It has been rough on him. At least I think it has. He never talked about this man and never spent any time with him outside of work so it's hard to really know.

I have listened to him and offered support. It's all I can do. I can't think of anything else. Not surprising, he doesn't talk to me very much.

Does anyone out there have any suggestions on what to say or do?

What can I expect from a MLC'er going through something like this?

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You've listened and offered support, now step back and allow your h to work thru the shock of his co-worker passing away.
There's no telling how your h will deal w/this shock. He may or may not attend the funeral or even want to talk about it further.

There's nothing more you can do at this time. Follow his lead, i.e., if he wants to talk about it further...just listen. Don't push him to open up...he's got to do this on his own. They have a difficult time dealing w/mortality, so I wouldn't be surprised if he opts not to discuss it.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2731021 02/21/17 12:01 PM
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Thank you Job! I have read that they have a hard time with mortality repeated throughout.

I fear this will push him further into MLC.

This weekend we took S to get his first professional haircut. H said he thought that he would soon be losing all of his. The obsession with aging continues

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Exactly! It's seems an obsession with aging! Mine spends a lot of time looking in the mirror, arranging his hair. I guess he's not that happy with what he sees frown

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MaryE, it's odd isn't it? My H went from a completely laid back kinda guy when it came to grooming and now he takes longer than me to get ready in the morning. He literally cuts off stray hairs he sees on his head that he can't tame into place. He does this every, single morning. (Also leaving the stray hairs in the sink. yuck!) He will go into our linen closet to put on his various magic potions.

So, I have been having this overwhelming urge in the last week to blow up both his ongoing affair with the married co-working and his pursuit of other co-worker OW who is dating another co-worker. (It's pretty incestuous and lazy.)

Every time these urges come up, I remind myself to step back and let God handle it. I remind myself not to get involved as it may just push everyone closer together. I have been praying to God for strength.

Well, yesterday I think he may have answered. H and I have an email account that is about 15 years old. We have used it as a central email to communicate with family (he has a very large extended family). H also uses this email when he orders things online. For whatever reason, he used this email yesterday to start communicating with OW. I got some insight to what is going on between them which certainly makes it easier to step back and let things be.

I feel like God answered my prayers. I feel like he is encouraging me to step back and let him work. I am so grateful to Him for this.

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I had the same urge .... more than once I will admit. Ranged from total exposure, to full out confrontation with OM. Thanks to be .. the fine people here discouraged this as I finally adopted the "Not my circus, Not my monkey" battle cry.

I think its tough the fact the MLCr seems to just relocate the love, feelings, and memories into the OP camp and leave us questioning if what we had was special .. or even real to a point. Then here and there you catch a glimpse of what they might have and you realize its no where close (I lost count how many times OM and MLCr have broken up/got back together) ... typically its two broken people in a broken relationship and you just have to accept its part of the crisis. This does not make it hurt any less but it did give me some comfort.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Thank you CaliGuy. In my head and in my heart, I know you and everyone else is correct. Just like my common sense tells me this is MLC, there is this niggly part of my brain that doubts things. I have to figure out why I still have doubts.

Last night was a bit rough and I backslid. I allowed my pent up frustration and emotions get to me and I reacted to H, rather than responded like I would have preferred to have done.

H called me while I was on my way home to tell me that he was going to be late. I hesitated when I responded, because deep down I suspect he wouldn't really be working. The hesitation was a way for me to try to gather my strength to not react. During the pause, H said, "I know what you are thinking and it's not that." Of course, I didn't believe him. And rather than take a big gulp of the STFU smoothie, I reacted.

I told him "uh huh" in such a way as to communicate my disbelief. And then it was on. I don't remember how it progressed from that point, but during the conversation, I told him that I knew about him hooking up with the married co-worker in December (this is a different OW than the main one). He adamantly denied the hook up.

Over the course of the conversation he repeatedly said that I (me) think I know everything and that I have got all things figured out and that I am wrong. (As an aside, I have incontrovertible proof of the hook up, but did not tell him what the proof was or that I even have it.) He went on and on about how nothing has changed, I think I am always right and so on. I admitted in the past that I have said some very arrogant things that I should not have out of anger and frustration. I told him that I know for a fact this event happened as well as the time in December when he asked OW if she wanted to meet S.

He went on to vehemently deny both incidents. I told him that I was concerned about him and the road he was heading down. I let him know that I don't recognize this person he has become. This person is not setting a good example for S and I wondered if this is truly who he wants to be. I told him that just because he does these things in secret and behind everyone's back doesn't mean it's okay. I asked him how in the world could he tell OW that he loves her and then hook up with a married co-worker. That's not love. I also asked him how he lives with himself doing what he is doing.

At some point, my cell service konked out and the call dropped. I texted him to let him know that I did not hang up. He called me on our land line.

We talked about his pattern of cheating and he became irate. (Several years before we were married he broke off a long term relationship with a woman by cheating on her with a co-worker. Talk about missing a red flag.) BTW, H had a EA with this woman at the same time he was having a PA with OW. Him and this ex-g.f. would send dirty text messages and pictures back and forth. He said he was not a "serial" cheater and demanded to know what my definition of serial cheater was. I refused to play that game. I told him regardless of how many or even when, he has a problem with fidelity and even OW knows this about him.

At one point during the conversation he asked me what we were doing still married. He then went onto something else before I could respond and we never revisited that issue.

Eventually we ended the conversation. He came home from work after I had gone to bed so I didn't talk to him until morning.

I am supremely disappointed in how I handled this. I know I should have handled it differently.

I have been thinking about sending him an email to clarify some points. Namely, why I am still married to him. I want him to know that there is still some love there and the reason I am still here is because of my commitment. Feelings come and go. Marriage is for better or for worse. Feelings can be reborn. I want to tell him that I am working on myself regardless of what happens with us.

What do you all think?

He was very sullen this morning. There was something about his demeanor that tells me what I said made him think. I know nothing the LBS says will pull them out; they have to do that on their own.

Should I just let this go?

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If I were in your shoes, I would leave him and the conversation right where you left them. Trying to reason w/him isn't going to work because he's not going to listen to what you have to say. Reasoning w/an MLCer is like reasoning w/a stubborn mule.

When you have conversations and written communications w/him, you have to keep them on topic and very simple and to the point. If your communications are lengthy, he's going to shut down and totally not listen to a word you've said and/or typed.

He already knows that you want to make your marriage work. So, just let the pot sit on the stove a while and allow him to think about what transpired last evening. No need to stir it at this time. Just leave him alone and focus on you. Let it go for now!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2731643 02/24/17 04:38 AM
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FightOn,

I think we all have moments when we feel we can't take it anymore. In my case a tiny gesture can blow everything I'm trying to handle.

I've also been accused of knowing everything, having everything under control and being always right.

Something that has called my attention is that my H is so withdrawn and turned into himself that I believe he doesn't hear anything I say but from his comments I've realized he keeps every single word and comment I say. Maybe, something you said made him think or , at least, didn't make things worse.

Let's hope for the best!

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