So Confused and Conflicted (3)

[WshIKnw]

Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2731574&page=1

I see your frustration and understand why you have so many questions. Many of us on here don't understand how someone you spend over a decade with can just one day decide they don't want to be with you anymore. My W did many things that you are describing as well. She deleted my entire family from her FB, turned cold towards me within a week without warning, gave me no hope that she cared about our past, didn't let me know she was so unhappy and wanted out of the marriage, etc, etc. I know it hurts to think about all the good times in your M and question how she doesn't anymore. My W and I took a trip to New Orleans with friends 3 months prior to her leaving. My W told me that, even though things got better this past year, she still wants a D. You can't explain these actions and if you dwell on them it will drive you insane. I wish I had the answers to all your questions as I was once asking them myself. I do not believe she is giving up on the M so easily. This is something that she has had in the back of her mind for sometime and has finally made the decision to go forward with it. I also understand you questioning the methods you've learned here in regards to "fixing" you MR. However, its not about that as your old MR is over. You can only focus on yourself at this point and do things for yourself. Don't worry so much about what she is doing. Hell, my W is already seeing OM but now it doesn't bother me. If you would have talked to me a few months ago this would have broken my heart. She is not the woman I married anymore and by loving myself I have realized that I don't deserve this because I'm a better person. From what I have learned here I now love myself more than my M or my W. Once you start focusing your attention on yourself you will realize that it will get easier. The pain will never go away, but it will get easier. In time, if you keep practicing what you have learned, your W may come back and then she may not. Hopefully, by then you will have built a strong enough relationship with yourself that whatever happens you will have the tools to make things better than before.

Thank you, SAL27. Very uplifting and motivating.

That's what I've been saying all along. He can't live his life dependent on if she will or won't come back. At some point he is going to have to move on for his own sake.

Let me just re-phrase what you wrote slightly.
He has to keep moving forward.

He will decide when it is time to move on.

Thank you, Cadet. Jeep, you have given a lot of great advice and support that I really appreciate, but sometimes you come across as very pessimistic, like you know she's not coming back, in which case, why does anyone DB at this point in the game, if it were true that we knew what she is going to do? If LITB had given in to pessimism, he would have never likely gotten his wife back. He went down a very long road through h3ll, and came out with his wife. I am in a 1 year separation state, and I've got until the end of December before that time has passed. My wife has been another person lately (since BD), but I remember who she was for those 10 years prior, and how much she loved me, and all that she did for me. She quite literally saved me. And I will take a beating to get her back, especially when I know I wasn't appreciating her properly and wasn't treating her like a wife needs to be treated.

Moving forward is just what the butterfly analogy is all about. For now, he's squeezing the life out of that butterfly. We've all done it...and I'll be the first to raise my hand. However, if he doesn't open his and release it, it will never come back to alight.

I take that analogy of squeezing the butterfly to mean that I have a grasp on her and won't let her go. I may have an inner/private grasp on her, but I don't have a grasp on her that she feels, because I've been doing NC for at least 2 weeks, and when she contacts me (which is very rarely), I've just acted content and friendly. But yeah, she might not land on my hand again, if I don't also release my inner grip on her, because some how I have to build myself up into something she would want. I have to make some friends and get out of the house and do things. This is all so hard compared to the little bit of effort it would have taken to keep her happy, if I had only understood how badly she needed the things she asked for, but she was so hard to read. It's hard to be motivated to make someone happier, who, in your eyes, appears to already be happy. (sigh)

[Dawgs]

Sir, since you decided to try to call me out and call me a pessimist, then don't be upset at what I'm about to say.

I'm quite the opposite - but I am a realist. And you, sir, seem to only accept one answer and that is exactly what you want to hear. We've all been there. But you just want sunshine and roses pumped, much less anything else. Maybe crayons and safety pins are in order. I call it like it is...I don't pump sunshine.

I truly hope she does return. But what happens if she doesnt?

[LITB]

WshIKnw,

Bottom line, what you do with your time to get yourself to a healthy place and improve your relationship skills will serve you well in life. To me, a success is someone who saves themselves and leaves this place a better person than when they arrived. That has to happen before you can save your M/R anyway. And then, piecing is a whole other animal.

[jkr2023]

Qoute: "And I will take a beating to get her back, especially when I know I wasn't appreciating her properly and wasn't treating her like a wife needs to be treated."

Come on man, do you hear yourself? You are in no shape for her to come back right now. If she came back right now, you would be like a whipped dog and so smothering because you would be scared to lose her again, that it wouldn't last. You have to be happy with YOU before you can ever make her happy. Did you read those 2 threads I posted for you earlier? From what I have read, she has treated you like crap over the past few months. Is that really the way you want to live just to be with someone? Read those threads!! You have to be strong and confident. You have to be the man of the relationship! You previously mentioned that you were 'underweight, pale, and skinny' and that attractive people aren't any of these. Do you really think having zero self confidence is going to bring her back? He!! No. I will bet you that if you GAL, for real, that you will notice changes in your situation. Get on tinder, bumble or any app to meet people . It's easy. Your wife wants kids, but do you think she wants to have kids with someone who's b@lls are in her purse and someone she had to take care of? I think not. I think you have a good chance in getting your wife back at some point, but you have to make some major changes. If you are this committed to wandering why, analyzing everything, and beating yourself up, you can be committed to doing the things that are actually going to help you and your situation. I know this is probably harsh, but it's the truth. Not trying to bust your chops at all. Do what people on here are telling you and you will be surprised. You Can Do It!!!!!!

[Bdog37]

Bottom line, what you do with your time to get yourself to a healthy place and improve your relationship skills will serve you well in life. To me, a success is someone who saves themselves and leaves this place a better person than when they arrived. That has to happen before you can save your M/R anyway. And then, piecing is a whole other animal.

So true! My first post ended by saying I hope I come back here and get to tell my "success story". However, in a few months, my W has already met OM2 so now I am done with my M. So I had posted back that my "success story" is the fact that I have learned and gained so much from the people on this forum and countless articles, that I now feel 100% better about myself and will carry over what I have learned.

[Bdog37]

Sir, since you decided to try to call me out and call me a pessimist, then don't be upset at what I'm about to say.

I'm quite the opposite - but I am a realist. And you, sir, seem to only accept one answer and that is exactly what you want to hear. We've all been there. But you just want sunshine and roses pumped, much less anything else. Maybe crayons and safety pins are in order. I call it like it is...I don't pump sunshine.

I truly hope she does return. But what happens if she doesnt?

It is very hard to come to the realization that your M is over. Many of us don't ever want to believe it, but you are right...you have to be a realist at some point. I still have my down days and miss my W and who she was. So many things can trigger a great memory we shared and the flood gates of emotions come poring in all over again. At first, I also didn't want to face the fact that my M was over and that no amount of DB'ing would bring her back. It wasn't until I realized that it wasn't about bringing her back, but more about bettering myself, did I truly let go. It hurts, its sad, but there are many stories of people who find themselves back together even after the BD. There are stories of people who go on, get M to others, and yet still find themselves getting back together. Who knows, maybe someday you and your W will get back together. Maybe my W and I will someday get back together. We don't know what the future holds, but you do need someone to help prepare you for the worst possible situation. That way you will have the strength to get through it.

I also hope that WshIKnw's W returns and they find happiness in a new MR! I believe in M and would have never turn my back on my W, but unfortunately it was not my choice. I would say for him to never give up hope, but to stop using DB to help save his M and use it to help save himself.

[jkr2023]

^^^^^^^^^^^^. Well said, sir.

[WshIKnw]

Sir, since you decided to try to call me out and call me a pessimist, then don't be upset at what I'm about to say.

I didn't mean to offend you, Jeep. I'm sorry. You have a tough love approach, and I thank you for your support.

I truly hope she does return. But what happens if she doesnt?

I have a really hard time thinking about that right now.

[Dawgs]

I didn't mean to offend you, Jeep. I'm sorry. You have a tough love approach, and I thank you for your support.

Didn't offend me at all. You'll find I'm not easily offended. However, when I'm called out I'll respond. No worries, my friend.

I have a really hard time thinking about that right now.

I can relate. There are things that will always be with me. Always. I lost my wife/best friend/lover after 10 years of marriage...we've been through so much together - deployments, tragedy, etc. And been each other's rock. Divorce just came out of the blue. Totally. But, its done and done and she isn't coming back. I learned that the only way to make the pain and all palatable is to adopt the mindset that she no longer exists. At all. Our only form of communication for most days is a simple "S" when she wants to Skype the kids at night.

So, I can relate where you are coming from. I don't put kid gloves on because that gives false hope. And false hope leads to more than enough pain. Been there, done that.

[WshIKnw]

Come on man, do you hear yourself? You are in no shape for her to come back right now. If she came back right now, you would be like a whipped dog and so smothering because you would be scared to lose her again, that it wouldn't last. You have to be happy with YOU before you can ever make her happy. Did you read those 2 threads I posted for you earlier?

I need to read those. I will open them up to help me remember to read them.

From what I have read, she has treated you like crap over the past few months. Is that really the way you want to live just to be with someone?

You're not getting my threads mixed up with someone else's, are you? How has she treated me like crap? Oh, you mean since she dropped the bomb? I don't want the alien/demon version of her. I want the one of 10 years, that was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. She hasn't constantly been mean to me since BD, just at times, especially early on.

Read those threads!! You have to be strong and confident. You have to be the man of the relationship! You previously mentioned that you were 'underweight, pale, and skinny' and that attractive people aren't any of these. Do you really think having zero self confidence is going to bring her back? He!! No. I will bet you that if you GAL, for real, that you will notice changes in your situation. Get on tinder, bumble or any app to meet people . It's easy. Your wife wants kids, but do you think she wants to have kids with someone who's b@lls are in her purse and someone she had to take care of? I think not. I think you have a good chance in getting your wife back at some point, but you have to make some major changes. If you are this committed to wandering why, analyzing everything, and beating yourself up, you can be committed to doing the things that are actually going to help you and your situation. I know this is probably harsh, but it's the truth. Not trying to bust your chops at all. Do what people on here are telling you and you will be surprised. You Can Do It!!!!!!

I thank you for your encouragement and wisdom. I just wonder why she would be with me to begin with if she didn't like skinny, pale, and somewhat lacking confidence. I have always thought that because she was a strong woman, that she liked those traits in me, because she wanted to wear the pants. But lately, she started complaining about my weaknesses. So unfair, man. I think it was mostly my lack of trying that killed it for her, and lack of attention and interest in her. She can't put up with weakness and such AND someone that isn't trying as hard as they used to.

It's pretty easy to lift weights. What's hard for me is to eat, especially in the mornings.