Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Gordie]

I think there are some threads around here from folks who have dealt with verbally and physically abusive spouses. I haven't dealt with that, so feel like I can't give advice. Maybe you need some IRL help on that front too...join a support group? Call the police? Go to a safe house? As a man...I know there is a stigma against that...but it's very difficult to defend yourself in a physical way...and then it's almost always going to be blamed on you. I don't know what to tell you.

[Woke_Up]

Gordie

I know, there's no easy way to deal with it. If she pushes the MBR thing, I will have to accept it, rightly or wrongly. I'm still set on taking the study as my space, rather than the spare bedroom, I'm not sure if that is being petty, I'll see how I feel when it comes to it. You're right, I need support. When I spoke to my friend, he agreed counselling was a good idea, and was going to get some recommendations from his SO. He suggested some initial intensive sessions to get my head together and help me deal with things.

Now, WW mindset. I'm lying in bed. WW comes into room, I think to use the ensuite bathroom to brush her teeth before bed. She climbs onto the bed, and lays with her head on my chest. Then says she thinks she might be pregnant, that she feels pregnant! I said if she is, then we really need to get better at this, for the sake of her health. Last time, she had a difficult pregnancy, plus went nuts with hormones - pretty much PMS x 1000 or, as she is as a wayward, I guess. It was a bad time when it should have been a happy time.

Also talks about how she has headaches and earaches and should maybe see a doctor. I agreed it might be a good idea. I asked if she wanted to talk about anything. She shook her head.

Then she says her back hurts, but when I said it was the gardening taking its toll, she said it was the bed. She went quiet after that, went downstairs (another joint, I presume) came back up, brushed her teeth, then went to bed. She did say goodnight.

This stuff is WTF crazy. I'm not even sure if she is doing it deliberately or whether it is just her mindset being all over the place.

[Woke_Up]

Now going through Doodlers sitch from the beginning. There's some good advice and so many similarities from the posters.

This made me smile though:

I was wondering if I could get some feedback from members of this forum about what you think the difference is between an opposite sex friendship and an EA? What are the factors that make it an EA?

Anyone? Anyone?

When they're talking about how much the'd like to f### each other, it's more than likely an EA. And yet she still calls him her 'friend'.

[sandi2]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...316#Post2722316

The link above is from one of our LBH's. You might want to check it out.

[Woke_Up]

Thanks Sandi, reading it now.

Yesterday was quiet. Got home after7, D5 was still up, took a long time to get her to eat and have a bath, then to sleep.

WW was OK, but was just talking about her eyebrow and eyeliner tattoos.

D5 woke up after midnight, I couldn't get her settled. Lost patience and asked WW to look after her. I was a bit ratty, TBH. She didn't, just made a comment about her needing sleep too with having a bad back, a rubbish bed, and also needing to get up early.

I eventually took D5 into my bed to settle her.

Didn't contact WW all day until SS16 messaged me to ask for a lift after his Youth club. I let WW know what was going on and that I'd gethim after training.

Then got a text from WW saying something was up with D5, that she kept repeating our arguments and was very clingy. (really, this is having an impact, why does she seem surprised).

I replied that I'd noticed she was repeating what we said, and that we had to do a better job of protecting them both from what is going on, and that it's bond to be upsetting for D5.

WW replied she agreed, and that the solution doesn't look good.

I suspect she means we need to separate.

[Woke_Up]

I understand what Surfer and SH mean by fear. I am living in that fear. I seem unable to prevent the kids from being involved. That is my greatest fear. How do I protect them from this?

[doodler]

I understand what Surfer and SH mean by fear. I am living in that fear. I seem unable to prevent the kids from being involved. That is my greatest fear. How do I protect them from this?

Woke_Up,

I haven't read your entire thread, but I assume you've discussed your situation with a lawyer/solicitor. Is that correct?

My situation is probably somewhat unique. I keep my sons safe because the OM fears me and my XW fears she'll lose custody of the boys. I reinforce their (OM and XW) fears on occasion. Also, both of my sons have a cell phone and they're old enough to call and get help.

I don't particularly like being a bully, but it keeps my sons safe. They are never physically exposed to the OM so it's worth the effort.

In your situation, I think finding a good lawyer that will help is probably your best bet.

[Woke_Up]

Doodler

I have basically had a telephone consultation with a L, but mostly focussing on what would be the usual terms of a separation when not married. WW found my notes and has used this to fuel her spew, saying I am only interested in money and getting 50% of the assets.

When it comes to custody I would want joint custody, however am not in a position to offer 50/50 in terms of having the kids - not yet. WW doesn't work, I am out for 13-14 hours a day. I want to change this, hence studying for a new qualification. The other option is to go back to a regular job rather than being self employed, but that would mean that we couldn't afford the current house we live in.

It's something I could contemplate after S if that happens, and if we sell the house. WW keeps saying she wants the house. I just want to be able to afford somewhere that I can have the kids stay with me that's comfortable, although I will be sad to wave goodbye to the 2 acres we have.

I need to see L again. L did recommend that if it comes to it, agree separate spaces in the house and put locks on doors, etc, rather than have spew and rage and bad atmosphere.

I know it's against DB, but I wonder if giving her back the MBR and taking my own space in the house will help matters. She is fixated on her back and pelvis trouble and that I stole 'her' bed. Or is that being a doormat? As someone said, should I eat sh!t for the sake of D5?

I am nowhere near being detached. I am still harbouring the mindset that if only she would dump OM, we could weather the storm of her withdrawals and work on things.

I know this is wrong.

I know our R is over. But my feelings do not say this. My feelings say keep trying, and are preventing me from letting go.

[doodler]

Woke_Up,

I think you're in the most difficult phase of this; you're not sure which direction to go because there are so many unknowns right now.

I honestly don't know what is DB and what isn't DB, but I wouldn't give up the MBR - period. In my opinion, you need to be perceived as strong. Don't give-in to her demands. Don't allow her to get you to do things that she can do. Don't back down, and be ready to invoke consequences as necessary. It's tough to be tough, but you've got to be tough.

[Woke_Up]

Yeah, I need to be tough, stop trying to help and fix.

Just had this interaction:
W:I think this storm is affecting me. I feel really unstable today, struggling to hold it together. Doesn't help when D5 tells me she hates me cos I don't have a blind bag for her.

Me: Would it help if I came straight home and looked after D5, you can get some space and peace. She is just processing through a lot of emotions at the moment. She doesn't mean it. She told me she hated me last night in the bathroom.

W: Not being funny but you don't really give me a break when you are here. You make things worse.

Me. OK, I'll stick to plan A then.

I thought that was it, but the spew is now coming as I sit here typing on the train.

W is saying: We have never been on the same page. She will bring up D better on her own. Though you want joint custody, so I don't know how you will keep up with your leisure activities then... (she obviously doesn't understand the meaning of joint!)

W: I think my internet friend is a very good excuse for you to blame everything on that, so I don't see how life would be any different with you.

W: and what's more, this atmosphere is very bad for D (no shizz, Sherlock)

W: I'm very happy to sell the house and get my bed back too.

Arghhh... I haven't responded yet. My train is delayed, which may prevent me going to Krav Maga tonight if it doesn't get a move on. I just see another rage/spew build up coming when I get home.

It's hard to act 'as if' when this is what you get. Some friendly houseguest that I have living there

Do I validate via text, or do I leave it?