There's no need to reply to that. It sounds to me that she wants in your house for something.
I wrote her back that No, I am not...I don't owe her explanations anymore. Its enough to say I have it covered...but thanks for offering
She didn't like that! Something about them being her animals too, and how its not asking a lot...then some curse words and another comment about asking for too much. I haven't replied and don't intend to.
Initially it felt good to stand up for myself, but now I feel bad...
It's not about standing up for yourself. It's about not engaging in conversations with her that aren't necessary. She was looking for a fight/argument with you and she would have been upset with ANY response that you said - other than caving into her wants.
If she was worried about taking care of the animals she should have taken them with her when she left. Instead, she left them for you to be responsible for and look after.
Well, it's been a long time since I posted here...and a lot has changed. I recently went back and reread DR and it got me thinking that I should come back and give posting here another shot.
The highlights:
- Wife is still living in a one bedroom apartment...will be 6 months in March - She started a new job in January. OM worked at her old place, and old job was a huge stresser. She "hates" the new job because the commute [censored] and she has no friends (though I am secretly relieved because clearly her work relationships don't have a great track record lately - New Job comes with a much better schedule...she now picks up the kids from school and brings them to the house, where she watches them until I get home...we eat dinner as a family (I cook) and she handles some of the kid responsibilites like bath time before she splits (usually an hour or so after dinner) - Holidays were ok. Thanksgiving was a low point as we spent it apart...I was finally ready to move on but she kind of pulled me back in probably because she was feeling lonely. Christmas eve she stayed at the house...but the kids and I went to her parents house without her for christmas dinner (she is fighting with them over the affair and her moving out...they took my "side" in the matter). We fought a bit on christmas about how it felt fake knowing there was another man, but she wound up spending the next night too. Not in same bed, fyi - Shortly after New Years we hit a new low. The kids and I brought her some breakfast one morning without much warning, and other man had spent the night. Luckily the kids were not aware. I was irate as I had been lead to believe it was over/ending. We had a long talk that day where she finally admitted it was a physical affair and that he loved her (she says she cares about him...but it is more maternal, whatever that means). The way she described it was actually kind of pathetic, though...sounds like they don't have sex much, and not at all lately. That he comes over and plays video games (which is hysterical when you think about it, as it was something she hated about me and I have mostly stopped in pursuit of more "grown up hobbies and working out). After the talk, she was less anxious than she had been in MONTHS. The next day though, the anxiety was back. The following day, I showed up again in the morning (first day of new job) to drop off some lunch and OM was there again...I was super angry and started "detaching" immediately.
So here we are now...Im not sure where her and OM stand...I know they had a fight a few weeks back that she doesn't want to talk about. I know they still talk at least on occasion, but not sure if he still comes over and don't really "care" unless I am feeling particularly vulnerable or alone. Like I said she is at the house daily, texts me or calls me throughout the day, and our relationship is generally friendly and has very little fighting. I have really backed off the R talks. There is still very little physical contact...occasional hugs are it. No I love yous (but she does make the half heart symbol when she leaves every night as she drives away). She is much more engaged with the kids (though she has never taken them...they stay at the house every time), and doesn't constantly text "friends" anymore.
She claims the no contact is because she doesn't want to lead me on. That she hasn't made her mind up yet and its not fair to me to be physical. Same reason she doesn't stay over. She is talking about seeing a therapist and says she wont make a decision until she has, but all I get are excuses for why she hasn't scheduled a session. I personally think that she is afraid to face the consequences of her actions. I am easy on her and enable her, but a less invested third party will likely tell her to take responsibility...and she is not ready to hear that.
So, my question is...after all that...how long do I need to stay in this limbo? What can I do to break out of it without being super harsh and burning down the progress I have made? I don't want to be stuck in this friend zone forever, and the truth is I am only surviving it because I am tricking myself into believing the OM is either out of the picture or diminished. I am doing my best to GAL, but its kind of tough with a full-time job and two young children! She is around, but I am still the only parent there when they go to bed and wake up...I am the one who is responsible for their care.
Gordie: I am new to your situation. So, you have been a single dad for six months and your W is living separately and has a maybe on-again/off-again live-out boyfriend who comes over for sleepovers of indeterminate frequency. W says she's unsure whether or not she wants to be M to you or work on the M, right?
Miky152: "How long do I need to stay in this limbo?"
Gordie: You can only control you. I'm a newbie too and learning the hard way that there is nothing we can say or do to control our W. We can certainly make the road back more (be the man only a fool would leave) or less enticing (don't change anything and be the same man she left), but whether or not they want to come back...is totally up to them and on their time frame. It's not over until you say it is over...so how long do you want to stay in this limbo?
Miky152: "What can I do to break out of it without being super harsh and burning down the progress I have made?"
Gordie: Going back to the DB/DR principles...if you feel like you are in a rut where you are now...start with a beginner's mind...stop going down cheeseless tunnels (doing things that aren't working)...and experiment and monitor results...what can you do to change the situation without your W's participation? You see her every day, so what can you do that would be different? Surprising? Mysterious? Are you still attached and letting her moods control your moods/actions? She is cold and you are grumpy...she gives you an ILY and you are happy? What GAL activities do you have going on?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie: I am new to your situation. So, you have been a single dad for six months and your W is living separately and has a maybe on-again/off-again live-out boyfriend who comes over for sleepovers of indeterminate frequency. W says she's unsure whether or not she wants to be M to you or work on the M, right?
Miky152: "How long do I need to stay in this limbo?"
Gordie: You can only control you. I'm a newbie too and learning the hard way that there is nothing we can say or do to control our W. We can certainly make the road back more (be the man only a fool would leave) or less enticing (don't change anything and be the same man she left), but whether or not they want to come back...is totally up to them and on their time frame. It's not over until you say it is over...so how long do you want to stay in this limbo?
Miky152: "What can I do to break out of it without being super harsh and burning down the progress I have made?"
Gordie: Going back to the DB/DR principles...if you feel like you are in a rut where you are now...start with a beginner's mind...stop going down cheeseless tunnels (doing things that aren't working)...and experiment and monitor results...what can you do to change the situation without your W's participation? You see her every day, so what can you do that would be different? Surprising? Mysterious? Are you still attached and letting her moods control your moods/actions? She is cold and you are grumpy...she gives you an ILY and you are happy? What GAL activities do you have going on?
That's pretty much the long and short of my situation, yes. The good news is she seems to be recommitting to being a mother, at least to a certain extent. She hasn't taken any "real" responsibility for them, yet, but at least she is trying to see them every day and cares about how they are doing...this, in turn, has had a positive impact on our children and their general disposition.
She is definitely struggling with what she wants. I do think that if her EA/PA isn't over, it is seriously diminished. The honeymoon phase is over...it will likely die/has died a natural death in the near future. Of course, most of this is speculative, as we don't talk about it so it's based more on her actions. While I see this as a positive, I realize by no means are we out of the woods.
As for my GAL activities...honestly, that has been the hardest part for me. I have been working out and eating healthy for the past 6 months (lost roughly 60 lbs and can see my abs for the first time since my 20's), I joined a golf league, play fantasy baseball...and while I have been reconnecting with friends and family, most of my friends and family live out-of-state so it's been limited to texts and phone calls for the most part. My one local friend is fun to hang out with, but he is in a crappy place with his ex and is really into the bar scene so my interactions with him are limited. I do have a ton of fun at work though...my work friends are great. And I spend a lot of my free time being the best dad I can be...reading them Harry Potter, taking them to museums/movies/parks, etc. I have also really gotten into cooking and am exploring another advanced degree more in line with my current field.
All of that helps. And the truth is, I don't hate the "limbo" all that much as long as I am mindful of the improvements...but the not knowing about the OM situation and the occasional mixed messages still get to me, so I struggle with not getting too high or too low.
