We had another talk tonight, and after that things seem pretty much over. She said she wants a D, and I feel I'm at a point where I'm a combination of too tired to struggle on and, even if I had the energy, completely out of ideas on how to put things back on track. It's tragic that my family is being blown apart in this way, but ultimately she feels there's no way forward and isn't willing to try to find one. I'm not there yet, and am holding out a sliver of hope she comes around, but my mindset is shifting from one of holding it together to one of breaking it up in the least painful way possible, especially as far as the kids are concerned. What kills me here - and perhaps always will - are that two of her three reasons are grounded in delusion. Her third is that just doesn't feel she can love me in the way a wife should love her husband. That may be true, but it hurts that she's unwilling to put in the effort to find out. Apparently for better or worse, etc., don't mean what they used to. Honestly, I'd welcome any suggestions, but I think I'm at the end of the road here. Thanks for the support.
Hey everyone, looks like I'm back for another round.
The morning after I wrote that post two weeks ago when the end seemed nigh, my wife approached me and said she was again feeling like she didn't want a divorce and wanted to give it more time. So, to recap, in the space of about a week she went from wanting a divorce, to being unsure, to taking divorce off the table, to wanting a divorce, to taking divorce off the table again. Unfortunately, my gut tells me, based on recent behavior, she's back to leaning toward divorce and just hasn't told me yet. The roller coaster is utterly exhausting.
A couple of updates on me: - I went and saw a counselor. He seemed decent, but I wouldn't say we clicked. We spent a majority of the session discussing her behavior/thinking, and he agrees she's suffering from some sort of delusional disorder. Unfortunately, he also believes the chances of her seeing marked improvement aren't stellar, particularly because she lacks much insight into her problem. He said there wouldn't be anything inappropriate about me contacting my wife's psychologist to relay what I know about her condition, because there's a chance that my wife either isn't sharing everything or simply shares in a way that offers a perspective very different from my own. I haven't done that yet, but am seriously considering it. They have an appointment later today, so I wouldn't do it until sometime after that. Doing so beforehand seems manipulative.
- I'm still committed to trying to make the marriage work, mostly because I'm confident everything that's gone on the last couple of years is a result of mental illness, and not my wife's "true" feelings and attitudes. Also, because I'm certain divorce would be the worst outcome for everyone involved, our kids in particular. For me, going through a divorce would be lousy and heartbreaking, but I think I personally would come out OK and am largely over the fear associated with it. By no means would I embrace the process, but I could accept it, I think.
All that said, I've had a lot of thoughts/ideas rattling around my head, and I wanted to bounce them off you guys:
1. If she says again she wants a divorce, I'm thinking of showing her the door. I know I can't kick her out, but I certainly could encourage it and I don't think it would take much pushing to get her to go. At best, it serves as a bit of a wake up call. At worst, it's just the first step down the road we're heading regardless. Thoughts?
2. So far, other than therapists, the only person who's aware of all this is my wife's sister. She's been truly kind to me - thanking me on several occasions for hanging in there, etc. - and has encouraged my wife to stay in/work on the marriage. That's largely fallen on deaf ears, though. My wife greatly respects her father, and I'm debating whether to make him aware of the situation. We're not super close, but we get along, and I'm certain he'd frown upon his daughter breaking up her family to pursue a married man. And he'd be a forceful advocate for her to get well. The potential downside, of course, is it further alienating my wife from me and/or her family.
3. Speaking of getting others involved - and I admit this may be a terrible idea - do I tell the guy she's obsessing over what's going on? I don't know him well, but by all accounts he's a good guy, and he deserves credit for not taking advantage of the situation when he could have. It would quite probably be the most awkward conversation of my life. I wouldn't ask or expect him to do anything with the information, though I suppose there's hope that once it's out there it may help kill my wife's fantasy that he secretly feels the same about her, etc. And I almost feel that he and his wife deserve fair warning. Though my wife denies it, I have little doubt that if we divorce she eventually intends to pursue a relationship with this guy, whether he's married or not. So ... terrible idea?
Sorry for the rambling. As always, thanks for reading/responding.
1. If she offers divorce I would only show her the door if you are willing to go THROUGH and actual divorce. Hard lines and ultimatums mean nothing if you aren't willing to follow through if you are caught bluffing. You can decide to no longer get on your wife's roller coaster and tell her she is welcome to file and do all the legwork but you will not assist.
2. You will get different responses on this, MWD advice NOT to get family involved as it can backfire spectacularly. (Lord, knows it did in my case) With others putting pressure on her she will find herself more isolated and feeling no one is willing to consider her feelings. People with delusional disorders do not "wake up" when close family members get critical and confrontational, as a matter of fact it cause worsening of symptoms. This is called high EE (expressed emotionalism) when the family responds critically to a thought disorder. Honestly, she needs a therapist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy for psychosis.
3. Getting the other guy involved would be useless. Again, your wife's mind is likely to misconstrue his reaction. She may interpret him as "playing hard to get" or "No means yes." This is called ideas of reference; believing eye contact, facial expressions and actions as "secret signals." Delusions are slippery and will change shape the moment you confront with facts.
Your wife's doubt about divorce is a VERY good sign. Ambivalence is so much better than cold determination, it means there's a sliver of a crack to squeeze into. How were you behaving when she expressed doubt? What was the interactions like between you two at that time? This is important so you can continue to build on what was working.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Thanks for taking the time to respond, Psysara. Some thoughts ...
1. Yeah, I am actually willing to go through with the divorce. It's not my preference, and I think it would lead to lesser outcomes for everyone involved, but everyone has limits, right? Asking her to leave wouldn't necessarily be a precursor to divorce, IMO. I mean, I fully recognize and accept that it might be, but I don't think it's a foregone conclusion. That said, I don't think I'm at that place (asking her to leave) right now.
2/3. Yeah, for now I think it's best to keep everyone who's not already aware of the situation out of it. And you're 100 percent correct about the slippery nature of the delusions. Rather than going away when confronted with non-conforming facts, they're contorted to fit the facts.
to update, when I wrote my last post, W was going into a meeting with her therapist, after which I believed she'd likely come out more determined to divorce. No real reason for that, just gut instinct based on the fact it was a hastily scheduled appointment, i.e. not on the regular schedule. Lo and behold, that night she seemed less certain about splitting up and even said (words to the effect of) that she doesn't think her negative feelings about our relationship/future are necessarily permanent, and she could see herself once again loving me like a wife should love her husband. So, that was kind of unexpected and out of nowhere.
I didn't press her on the reasons for this change - I'm getting much better at not pressing her on her feelings, which was a big weakness of mine. But she volunteered that she and her therapist had worked on a list of divorce pros and cons, and there were far more cons than pros. What's working for now seems to be largely related to the 180 advice, i.e. not bringing up the relationship, not initiating much talk, doing my own thing, etc. So while a lot of that goes against my nature - I'm a fixer - I'm doing my best just to let things marinade for now.
You are doing great! I still struggle not to dig my husband's brain for relationship talks, feelings etc., I took the advice of my DBing coach and backed off that. My WH appears to be lowering his guards finally and still I have to hurry up and wait, lol!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You are so smart to recognize what is working so you can stick with it. I'm sure it felt good to hear that your wife was less certain about splitting up. Be very cautious based on the confusion and mental illness concerns
I highly recommend taking of advantage of the online community special for Telephone Coaching. You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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