Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

Recovering this morning from an awesome GAL weekend. 2 nights in a row of going out and playing guitar. Saturday night was an open mic/song circle, last night was an open blues jam. Had a blast both nights, made some new friends, and forgot about my troubles for a while.

W's behavior has been interesting lately. She's pulling back a bit and becoming slightly argumentative in our conversations. Nothing that would start a fight, but just enough for me to notice. I haven't changed my behavior at all... Still pleasant, still trying to connect, still remaining neutral with her social life choices, and staying out of her business. So I think she's probably testing me a bit. Trying to get me to show some of my old behaviors. So far it hasn't worked. If she starts to debate me on something I respond with some sort of validation and let the topic drop.

Yesterday she and a girlfriend drove down to Baltimore for an overnight. They met up with other "girlfriends" once they got down there. Were there men involved? Who knows. She would say "no" if I asked her, but I wouldn't believe her anyway. So I'm trying hard not to care that much (or at the very least, interrupt my thoughts with something positive if my mind starts going down a bad path).

Ultimately, I don't think knowing the truth would be of any benefit to me. Trust has been broken, she's not doing anything to try to rebuild it, and if she really IS involved in a romantic relationship with someone else she's definitely keeping it a secret from most of the people in her life, and relationships with foundations based in deception never last.

In other news, after a lot of soul-searching I decided to tell my mother about my sitch. I know this is typically frowned upon but the level of deception was getting out of hand. My mom has done so much over the past 8 years to help and support our family and suddenly she's being cut out of the loop without any good reason. Trying to make up excuses for why the dynamic had changed was becoming arduous, so I sat her down yesterday and gave her the story in broad strokes. No discussion about cheating or any of the other things that might change her opinion of my W, but simply that we're having problems and that my W is unhappy.

Obviously she was upset, but also very supportive. I swore her to secrecy and insisted that her behavior toward my W should not change at all, and I trust that she will abide by this. She a very wise, compassionate, and level-headed woman. It's great to have another support person in my corner and I'm happy to get rid of the stress of hiding it from her. The news wasn't a surprise to her. Anyone who spends as much time interacting with our family as my mom does would notice that something is wrong.

Anyway, time will tell if I made the right decision. It's definitely a betrayal of my W's confidence and probably a bit selfish of me to unburden some of this on to my mother. But I think continuing to lie and leaving her in the dark to wonder what was going on wasn't really fair.

[Woke_Up]

I swore off ALL snooping only a few weeks ago. There wasn't much left to snoop, my W changed all her pwds. But I was still doing things like looking in her purse, looking through her closets and jewelry drawers, and being all consumed with where she was when she wasn't home. I still catch myself doing these things and try to stop immediately.

This is my particular poison also. Even after my DB coach told me to stop doing it, I still even checked her phone yesterday while she was in the garden... just pressed the home key twice to see that Skype was in her active apps. Couldn't really read much of what she was saying. It's just a peculiar form of masochistic self flagellation, maybe reinforcing that I can be the victim.

I need to shed this victim mentality. Leave that to her. It's all straight out of the 'Drama triangle' and we're all vying for the victim position. Every time her phone is unattended and I don't snoop, I see that as a small victory.

[Chris73]

Every time her phone is unattended and I don't snoop, I see that as a small victory.

^^This 100 times over!!

Mine even went so far as to turn off message preview and lay the phone face down when she's not holding it or it's not in her pocket. Secretly I'm glad she does. Every time her phone vibrates or dings with another txt my eyes shoot over to see if I can catch a glimpse of who it is or what it says. If she ever leaves the phone face up I start reading into it... "Maybe she's inviting me to trust her again." It's ridiculous, there's nothing to read into. She just didn't think to turn it over, that's all.

Clearly I'm not fully detached, but I think that noticing my automatic habits and identifying them for what they are is progress from where I was 6 months ago.

[Chris73]

Day 26 since I started my new approach with my W and my life.

Lots of emotional ups and downs lately and it's very frustrating to work so hard every minute of every day and not see any results. It's also very hard to watch my W continue to embrace her selfish "girls gone wild" lifestyle and not show any signs of remorse or slowing down.

But I've been reading so many stories on here from people who are dealing with much harder situations that me. Particularly those who are physically separated from their spouses and possibly their kids as well. And so, with my W making no visible effort to move forward with divorce, mediation discussions, or physical separation, I feel like I must use this time to my advantage and continue my parallel efforts of lovingly detaching/GAL and trying to reconnect with her in a way that seems natural and infers no expectations on my end.

This morning I was feeling very down and discouraged so I jotted down a list of affirmations and intentions to read regularly in the hopes of keeping me focused.

Just a disclaimer: Some will read this list and insist that I'm enabling cake eating, which is fine. I respect that opinion. But I have taken all of the advice from this board and combined it with the advice from my DB coach, my therapist, the reverend at my church, a few very close friends, books/articles outside of the DB community, and most importantly what feels right to me in my heart. And I'm very happy with how this approach makes ME feel.

Ok, here's the list:

1. I am committed to saving my marriage

2. I will always be positive and happy in my W's presence

3. I will strive to take an aggressive and pro-active approach to the activities related to taking care of our house and our kids. (This is a huge 180 for me)

4. I will not start any discussions about the state of our marriage

5. I will stop what I'm doing, listen attentively, and make eye contact whenever my W engages me in conversation

6. I will not make sarcastic comments

7. I will not blame her or make her feel guilty

8. I will not spy on her or ask her for details of where she's been or who she's been with

9. I will focus on fixing my own problems

10. I will find other things/activities/people in my life to make me happy and provide me with a distraction from my situation

11. I will take every available opportunity to initiate fun/light conversation with my W

12. I will try to make non-threatening physical contact with my W

13. I will try to invite my W to do fun things with me and not react negatively if she says no

14. I will NOT move out of my house

15. I will NOT discuss anything related to the state of her love life (or sex life) with other men

16. I will NOT help facilitate any effort to move towards divorce

17. I will NOT evaluate her responses to my actions as an indicator of their effectiveness

18. I will remember to count the days and remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

That's all I have. I think the list is pretty thorough, but I'm sure I'll revise it as time goes by.

Comments are ALWAYS appreciated!

[LH19]

Chris,

I just started posting but I have been at this for almost 2.5 years and you are right it is a marathon. Just when you think you can't do it anymore just think of your kids and they will give you the strength.

[miky152]

If it makes you feel any better, I have been walking a similar path...for many of the same reasons. My wife has moved out, but she isn't nearly as wild, at least not to my knowledge.

Seems to be working ok, but I do struggle with the idea that I am enabling her behavior and setting myself up for a crappy relationship if she ever comes back.

[Chris73]

Miky. Frankly I don't know how "wild" her social life is either, but I have to assume the worst.

But my list of affirmations only apply to my current situation, which is that my wife is not making any effort at all to work on the marriage. If she were to ever come to me and discuss the idea of piecing, many things would have to change. Primarily the issue of trust. She will have to start from scratch to restore trust between us.

[MoveFrwd]

12. I will try to make non-threatening physical contact with my W

13. I will try to invite my W to do fun things with me and not react negatively if she says no

I think most of this is good. And in general, I agree with much of the content.

I just want to point out that I think 'try' is kind of a meaningless word. How can you gauge if youve 'tried'? Can you phrase these more so that you can tell for yourself whether or not youve succeeded?

[miky152]

Miky. Frankly I don't know how "wild" her social life is either, but I have to assume the worst.

But my list of affirmations only apply to my current situation, which is that my wife is not making any effort at all to work on the marriage. If she were to ever come to me and discuss the idea of piecing, many things would have to change. Primarily the issue of trust. She will have to start from scratch to restore trust between us.

I understand, and I feel the same way...

I guess what I meant, though, is that taking a softer approach does run the risk of making you appear weak (emphasis on the word appear, because I realize it is anything but) and doesn't leave you with much leverage if she does decide to come back because she knows she has the upper hand.

At least that's my fear...of course, what I hope happens is she wakes up and is herself again, and her remorse/empathy for what she put her family through overrides any of the more selfish tendencies. Probably unrealistic, but a guy can dream.

And, just a small update and maybe some encouragement. Last night, as she was leaving she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Was the first non-accidental and unprompted I love you in roughly 6 months.

[Chris73]

Right. Thanks Kaizen. Perhaps "attempt" is a better word...or maybe still a little ambiguous?

I "attempt" number 12 every time the two of us are in each other's presence. She has never made a move to pull away, but sometimes the attempts fail simply because we're not close enough to each other at the time. Making an obvious effort to walk across the room just to rub her shoulder would seem forced.

13 is more of a weekly thing. Sometimes it's spontaneous like, "I'm going to go watch some tv in the living room if you'd like to join me." Other times I've invited her ahead of time to do something with me...to be courteous of her calendar).

So maybe:

12. I will attempt to make non-threatening physical contact with my W whenever we're together

13. I will invite my W to do fun things with me at least once/week and not react negatively if she says no