Maybell 40

[job]

I agree w/Jeep 100%. You need to take care of yourself and do something that will help you recharge. Also, please do not feel guilty or even apologize for not coming here. We understand that life in the real world needs to be taken care of first and, of course, the door is always open here if you wish to come here and post.

Please take care of yourself. You are number one and the rest of the stuff will fall into place.

[Dawn70]

I agree with Jeep and Job. Take time just for you to relax and refresh. I am a very introverted person by nature so when I was married, I REALLY needed some alone time on occasion just to keep from going crazy. You probably don't get much time just for you, so try to take it, like Jeep said, even if it is just for a day. Call in sick to work and stay home and turn off the phones and computers and just relax...take a bath, listen to music, read, paint your nails...whatever it is that floats your boat.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

I'm sorry you are exhausted and feel you are at a wall. I can relate to that feeling. You have received stellar advice and you do need to take the time to recharge. Maybe get a massage? Have a cocktail and sit outside for a bit by yourself?

Take care of yourself.

[DonH]

Not sure if anything I have to say these days can be categorized as "words of wisdom" but I do have a hunch, thought, concern that others have not yet raised. I do agree with everything else you've gotten. Adding to that, is his reaction of walking/storming out not typical? I seem to remember one thing you liked and noticed was that he had this great ability to talk through things with you and not walk out? Has that changed? If so, my concern would be that he is approaching a breaking point with you. The fact that he sort of demanded you apologize rings of enough is enough already. Could that be the case?

I may not be correct in any of this. I'm not there and you are. But here's how it appears from afar in general terms - you are more type A and high strung, he's more laid back. He's used to you getting amped up a lot of the time and takes it in stride. He works through it with you and all is well. Only that's been getting worse lately and he's getting sick of it - thus the walk out and demand that you apologize. He did a 180 on you.

If I'm on point I'd pay attention to this and the suggestions of the others may help. If I'm all wet and way off, then disregard and move on. This is just what I get from what youve written. Even the most easy going guys can only take so much. You may have found his line.

Hope that helps - even a little.

[Maybell]

Don: What a dire prediction!

We haven't had a fight since probably October so we were definitely due. He didn't walk out last night so much as he suggested he'd might as well go, and I agreed. We have an agreement that when he gets too angry he will excuse himself to calm down. I don't have that same option when we're at my house, so it was as much a question of me hitting a breaking point as him. If I had managed to calm down a little he would absolutely have stayed. But last night I had to drop everything I had intended to get done in order to give him the closeness he wanted and I didn't have a lot to give. He came in fifteen minutes after I'd gotten home from a non-stop 13 hour day and we had a lovely 90 minutes before I fell apart in response to something he said. The argument was a reflection of my exhaustion more than anything else, though he may not have realized it. I'm finding that few people who don't live the single-working-full-time parent lifestyle realize just HOW taxing it is, even when they have a lot of sympathy.

He has built a very easy lifestyle for himself. He goes where he wants to go when he wants to go. He naps when he needs to. He works out almost every day. He eats very healthfully and regularly. He indulges in his favorite hobbies whenever he wants. He has resources for getting ALL his needs met at the time that he needs them.

I, on the other hand, am chronically sleep deprived, ALWAYS behind on some part of my life, absolutely exercise deprived (and although I don't love it like he does, I'm definitely missing it) and at the moment there is not one part of my life except maybe him that is going smoothly. I'm missing my friends and feeling disconnected from what I thought was my social life. There are, at the moment, significant stresses in my work, with my kids (not run of the mill anxieties, but moving pieces I'm trying to manage), in my home, and in my person. I'm a walking minefield.

I agree that I am a demanding person to be in a relationship with. We talk about that from time to time and he has observed several times recently that I have relaxed a lot in the last few months. That doesn't make him the easiest person to be in a relationship with, though, and as wonderful as I find him, there are certainly challenges coming from his side of the fence.

In any case, I was able to take this afternoon off and have dealt with a couple of the most immediate things i wanted to take care of. I will go to bed early tonight and try to relax and get a little more sleep. I've heard from him a couple of times and it seem likely we'll spend a lot of the weekend together.

The kids' dad has been out of town for the last week so he didn't take them last night like he usually does. They haven't seen him in a week. My daughter texts him regularly but the boys haven't heard from him in that long either, and they keep asking when he's getting back into town, so he didn't communicate that with them either. Since the kids are taking care of his kittens they've been in his house several times in the last week, and my daughter has reported that Mr. F's girlfriend's son has left a lot of evidence of being in the house (including Mr. F's bedspread being on the couch in the living room... ???). I wonder how this feels to my kids.

Thank you to all the people who reminded me to take care of myself. It's nice to know I can come here for support and reminders that I matter too. Thank you.

[DonH]

This puts a whole different light on it - at least for me. Cut yourself some slack Maybell. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job under a huge weight. That really is a full weight of things. The fact that you realize, see and even more importantly admit, that your reaction had much more to do with all that's going on than anything else is HUGE. So many women, at least one's I've known, would not admit that if they even did see it. It all makes total sense - even him leaving, not in a slamming the door behind him way but in a it's likely the smartest move right now way makes way more sense.

Let me throw one more thing out here - have you asked him for help? If not, why not? I'd think at the point you are at in your R he may expect and even enjoy that. If I were your BF at this point I'd likely be saying "how can I help you" and then trying to do that - whatever it is (within reason). It almost seems like that would go a really long way for you at this point - whatever it is. Hell I don't know, that's why I'd ask rather than try to figure it out on my own.

So, I guess I'm even more with the others - take time for you, do something you need. That's not being selfish at all. In order for you to take care of the kids and the rest of your life, you have to take care of you. Most of all, cut yourself some slack. You've earned all of that!

[Maybell]

Things are cooking along nicely with My Guy, no problems there.

I've had some serious problems arise with the kids' school. It comes from the fact that I had to sell the big "marital" house and move into my own house when we divorced. Our schools are bounded by neighborhood, and I accidentally bought a house just very slightly (by like a block) It was OK because the out of district policy was sufficient to keep the kids basically where they were (as I originally intended) all the way through high school.

Now they've changed the policy. My daughter is panicked about it and my sons are heavily concerned. Well, the boys will be OK. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with about S9, but S11's definitely changing this year.

I put "marital" in quotes when describing that house because he was heavy in the affair before we even closed on it and I lived longer in it without him than with him. It wasn't truly a marital home. I'm feeling spurts of anger at Mr. Fantastic for the timing of his &^^##%ing affair. He started cheating while I was still in California before we even moved out to the East Coast. He, with me, promised the kids it would be our last move. And he KNEW HE WAS CHEATING. Who does that? Who perpetrates a fraud on his children like that, buys a house in the MOST expensive part of town, buys a house with the MOST expensive upkeep he could find (there were two others I was interested in that cost $100k left, with little maintenance; maybe I could have kept the house if he'd been more reasonable) and then doesn't even engage with the problems that arise from the fallout of his actions? If my kids ever find out about this they will be very angry with him.

I am certain the kids have mentioned the school situation to him, because they are highly anxious about it. But he hasn't said anything to me about it at all. I think again he blames me for that. He has complained before that "I don't engage" and that is true. I don't want anything to do with him and he has never actually contributed to the solution of a single problem. He's caused a few.

Of course if I were to throw any of this at him he'd just blame me for buying out of district but there were only two houses available at the time when I needed to buy and I chose the one that made more financial sense, thinking it was in district. Turns out I'm in a notch, one block out of district. So I'm frustrated by that too.

I know that in the long run these things will be blips (at least for the boys. Possibly not for D13). I believe that everybody will be fine. But they are very anxious and I have been trying to shield them from too many of the consequences of the divorce where I could and generally, I've been successful. I can't shield them from not having their parents married to each other but I don't have to be too angry about it. I can support their relationship with their dad. I even defended Mr. Fantastic's girlfriend to D13 when she was acting out because she thought the FGF was the reason we split up. But I can't shield them from this and it pains me every time I have to cope with fallout from his jerky, irresponsible decisions.

That being said, I'm lucky I'm no longer bound to such a person. He led my family for years!! And to think my plan A was for him to continue to lead us. So thankful for plan B. It could all have been so, so much worse.

[Maybell]

With apologies to all the amazing parents who have been doing this all along, how in the everloving merciful heavens does one balance a full time career with single parenting? I'm horrible at both things right now. Not just not great, but actually failing at important tasks. I've never yet been great at my job, but even when I'm doing moderately well things fall apart at home. When things at home are in tolerable order the job suffers noticeably. Never am I able to prioritize my own needs, unless you count time with My Guy, and then it's at the expense of friends or exercise. Is it possible to make it all the plates spin together or is this how it's going to be for the next 8 years???? Or should I dial back on my career aspirations and enjoy my life a little more?

[Ginger1]

Maybell, I can certainly relate and understand your struggle. I've been doing it since my D9 was an infant. But I have only had one kid, and boy, do I give you props for making it work with 3!!!

My journey hasn't been an easy one, and I haven't gotten much help except from paid sources. I've had quite a few different jobs within my profession to try to make this work.

I currently work full-time, I am back in school, I attend the gym, have a new boyfriend, and of course care for my D9. Some days it falls apart. Other days it just works. My work has been suffering a little lately, but I have to get it back on track. Prioritizing is key. I don't think we could be superwoman at everything we try to tackle, but we can only do the best we can.

One thing that has really helped me is having my D9 take a decent amount of responsibility. I explained to her I need her help and I need her to be a team with me. I do not check to make sure her HW is done. I ask, if she says yes, I take her word for it. She knows I will find out if it isn't, and there will be consequences. Of course I help her where it is needed. She does her own laundry. She packs her own lunchbox every morning. They sound like small things, but they help me tremendously.

Career wise, I make decent money, my job is pretty easy, but it's not where I want to be professionally right now. But I understand it is a sacrifice I need to make right now. Something always has to give. My career gives right now.

I have once a month cleaning service. It's worth the money. I build my schedule around my exercise. I meal prep so there is always something to eat. I buy when I need to.

As far as the BF goes, he is great. We do spend a lot of time together, and I try to work that in. I let him help me. I let him do HW with D9 if he happens to be over.

My friends have been slightly on the backburner. Luckily they are lifelong friends who understand I am just trying to figure out how to make things work with a new addition into my life amongst all the other chaos.

My point is that sometimes certain things need ot take a back seat to others. And those things will change positions often. It's a lot of trial and error and it's a lot of accepting things won't be perfect.

Find yourself help wherever you can. The little things add up.

You are doing great. You are horrible at nothing. You got this.

[Maybell]

Ginger, thanks for answering.

My kids make all their own breakfasts and lunches. They help empty the dishwasher. My daughter has done her own laundry for the last year. The boys are not reliable enough to do that but they do help with the trash, recycling, and dishwasher. Everybody helps with the groceries -- I break the list into chunks, the boys go off as a pair to get their items, my daughter gets hers, and we reconvene after each item.

Theoretically the kids do their homework without oversight (daughter since she was in 3rd grade), but this year the feedback from the teachers is that the boys weren't doing theirs -- at all -- and that their ability to organize themselves was horrible, so I've had to backtrack on that and start supervising it again. They can't do what they lack the skill to do.

I do pay for a housecleaner, and have for a long time. Also a yard service, and the kids all have the opportunity to select chores from a list and earn extra money, which they sometimes take advantage of.

My Guy is amazing and has done nearly as much work on my house as his own. I can't ask more of him than he does. I feel we're so lopsided in that way as it is.

Part of the problem is the stage we're in. The boys are in Scouts and my daughter is about to be as well. Everyone is in karate. The amount of after-work driving I do is significant. The time they spend with Mr. Fantastic is important but disruptive of things like homework and instrument practice. Things get forgotten at the other parent's house or are needed in both places but are too significant to have duplicates and too bulky to carry around (like the trombone).

Extra activities, like special Scout badges the kids would love to do, science fair projects or that sort of thing, often fall through the cracks, especially for the boys. D13 is quite self-sufficient so she suffers less, but she's also MUCH more insistent about getting her needs met and given that her therapy (also an interruption to my work) has made our relationship so, so much better I'm trying to respect what she asks for, because it's reasonable given her age.

We're getting MAYBE one family dinner a week together. This doesn't feel like enough, especially when I'm working a ton of hours and the kids are home alone together or in after care just putzing around. This gives me a lot of guilt and anxiety. I know that's not useful but there you go.

Jobs that I can't hand off, like paying the bills or balancing my budget, following through on keeping up with my family, etc. are just not happening. Every time I call my mother she starts off with "It's been so long since I've heard from you" and I just heard from one of my brothers yesterday that my dad isn't doing so well. But they *never* reach out to me. In my entire adult life, my dad has probably called me fewer than 20 times. I can't carry all this, and knowing I'm going to hear her complain about the time between the calls makes me more reluctant to pick up the phone. Most days I'm so exhausted I could just tip right over. (On the up side, I've never slept so well in all my life!)

My job is emotionally very taxing. If I were to do it right I could spend 70+ hours on it and actually see some significant success, but of course with three kids on my own, I don't have 70 hours to give to it. But I'm trying to give it 55-60 hours a week, which means very often I've got long hours and late evenings which sometimes impact the kids. On top of that, I'm pursuing necessary certifications that require a lot of study of very dry material, that's over and above my working hours. Should be 1-2 hours per night, but it's hard to squeeze in without falling asleep in the book.

Sometimes I wonder if I've had enough and should try to find a job that puts less strain on me, but the success I've had up to now brings responsibilities with it that make me reluctant to follow through on that.

How do we know when we've bitten off more than we can chew?