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cbtdad Offline OP
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Mach I did respond to you about the 10 year thing. Here it is again:
"The 10 year thing was something she said. She said it as we were going to pick up our son after counseling. She said, "just because we may be ready to file when I am done with school, can we wait till the end of October? So we can say we made it 10 years"
This was also after she said she was going to ask me to move out at the end of April.
I am trying not to pay attention to any of that."

I'll do my best to answer your questions.
First it isn't hurting so much. I know that I have become a better man, but that I still have a long road to go. I understand like she has said many times that I "shattered the plate" one too many times and it cant be put back together. And every time I get close, it gets shattered again.
yes. I totally admit to slipping up at times and showing that side of me that I don't want to be. It's something that I work on everyday and continue to make progress. I guess I wish she would see that and understand that it's not gonna happen overnight and that should would do her part. Like I said, that's where maybe it's too late.
You on dead on with the relationships with neighbors and friends. And she even said the same thing you did pretty much. That they only see the side I want them to.
I am staying until she slows down for him. Because between my schedule and hers its what is best for him. I truly am at peace knowing that I have tried everything I can to become a better person. I have failed many times and I keep going.
But with that said yes I am scared, hurt, anxious, etc
But I am also excited at times. I am an emotional rollercoaster lately and that I DO NOT LIKE!!!
I am always open for talking!! you know that


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
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The reason I wanted to make clear about the 10 year thing...

Is that I know there are certain guidelines in place in your state that allow for Alimony and such. I think that anything before 10 years is a take what ya brung deal....

And that anything over 16 years is lifetime Alimony...

Check with a lawyer before you decide...

Make sure she isn't playin you on this..



I wanted to absorb what you wrote a while before I responded...

And it appears, that you are kinda all over the place with your emotions, and trying to figure out just exactly where YOU stand in this whole mess...

And you seem like a whole bunch of nice people right now....

You are trying to please her, and you are selling yourself to do that.

However..

You have no idea who CBT is, because you are using all of your time trying to be a Father and a Husband to someone who doesn't want one of those right now....

You cannot play both sides of the fence like that....

Who is CBT ??

What does he want ??

How does he get there ??


Forget the rest for now.....

Sometimes it isn't always about knowing what you want....

It's more about having a plan on how to get there....

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I'm sorry to hear about the recent revelations.

Mach here is saying it all and quite well.

I would like to interject as Mach said....

I know in my state, anything under 10 years doesn't receive alimony. You better be careful with that.

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cbtdad Offline OP
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Thanks for all the input. You are spot on, on so many things. I do believe that she really wants to be able to say she was married for 10 years. That's just her. this is something she has said for 3 years now. However it is something that I will discuss with attorney depending on where things are in the situation. At this time she is saying she doesn't want spousal support and wants to stand on her on two feet. My W comes from a family with a lot of money. She will be a multi millionaire in the next 10 years at some point. She doesn't need my money.

Mach, I am definitely all over the place with my emotions. I don't like it. That's why I sat down and came up with goals that were simple and doable. Things that in the short term I could focus on.
I am not sure what I want at the moment and I think that's why I am all over the place.
One thing that I do know is that she said it felt like we were playing "mind games" the past couple of months and she is right. I would get upset that I didn't think she was "working on it" when she said she was. The resentment would build and I would revert, not in purpose, to my old self at times.
This has also taken the pressure off me it seems. So I think it is a good thing that she just finishes school and I just work on me. Living in the moment. No expectations.

On a side note. She sent me a text a couple of hours ago asking if we were going to a concert. The concert isn't until 5/31
I know that I plan to attend regardless. Lol


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
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Originally Posted By: cbtdad

I am not sure what I want at the moment and I think that's why I am all over the place.


Then how can you be anything for anyone else ??


Originally Posted By: cbtdad
One thing that I do know is that she said it felt like we were playing "mind games" the past couple of months and she is right. I would get upset that I didn't think she was "working on it" when she said she was. The resentment would build and I would revert, not in purpose, to my old self at times.


Do YOU think there are mind games happening ??

Like you said above, you have no idea what you want...


Originally Posted By: cbtdad
This has also taken the pressure off me it seems. So I think it is a good thing that she just finishes school and I just work on me. Living in the moment. No expectations.


I think that once people try to define a relationship, then there are expectations involved...

Once there is a label, "Oh, that's my Wife" then certain things are automatically expected, or assumed about them.

It also removes the joy and fun most of the time.

Seriously though, when is the last time you went on a date with her ?

Not because you wanted her to be your wife and expected wifely duties at the end of the evening...

But rather because she is someone that you CHOOSE to spend time with ??


Originally Posted By: cbtdad
On a side note. She sent me a text a couple of hours ago asking if we were going to a concert. The concert isn't until 5/31
I know that I plan to attend regardless. Lol


I was thinking maybe something like...

"Lets see where we are at, as it gets closer..."

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cbtdad Offline OP
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Mach I definitely think there were a lot of mind games going on. I think with the stress of her being in paramedic school right now it got heightened. We had a very good weekend and got along really well as we have been doing. Then at about 8pm last night she kind of went into that "icy" mode again. Where as I would have normally asked what's wrong or pushed, I am just letting her be.
Funny you asked about the date thing. We went to a comedy concert back in December and it was fun. That same night I actually bought 2 tickets for us to see "Phantom of the Opera"
I would really like her to still go. I want to enjoy that show with her since she has never been.
I plan on asking her later this evening if she would still like to go


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
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cbtdad Offline OP
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Just a little update. The other night W was upset. I could tell she was upset. I simply told her if she wanted to talk about just let me know and I walked away. About an hour later she came upstairs and just started talking. I just listened and validated. Didn't try to "fix" anything. One thing that caught me off guard was her admitting that she hated feeling "feelings"
This has been a huge issue on our marriage. Her locking down all her feelings and not communicating. Just thought it was interesting.
We are going out Friday night. She even asked if we were going to go to dinner first. I said sure.


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
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Originally Posted By: cbtdad
The other night W was upset. I could tell she was upset. I simply told her if she wanted to talk about just let me know and I walked away. About an hour later she came upstairs and just started talking. I just listened and validated. Didn't try to "fix" anything. One thing that caught me off guard was her admitting that she hated feeling "feelings"
This has been a huge issue on our marriage. Her locking down all her feelings and not communicating.


How did that feel ??

Pretty F'ing cool when you can sit back and STFU isn't it ??




Originally Posted By: cbtdad

We are going out Friday night. She even asked if we were going to go to dinner first. I said sure.


Easy does it Tiger....

No expectations...

No getting pi$$ed when she doesn't jump you on the way home...

Just go, and have a good time...

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cbtdad Offline OP
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Lol. Yes Mach it is pretty F'ing cool!
I just sit back and let her vent it all out and listen. Definitely takes some getting use to from my "fix it" and control it personality. But something I'm working on all the time.
I am doing my best not to have any expectations with any of this. That's what got me a in trouble again was having those expectations and being let down. That's my fault, not hers.
I've decided to just live in the moment. To just "be"
Because I don't know what I want. I am not sure I want this relationship and I am not sure that I don't.
Therefore I am just living day by day and in the moment. So far so good.


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
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Originally Posted By: cbtdad

I am doing my best not to have any expectations with any of this. That's what got me a in trouble again was having those expectations and being let down. That's my fault, not hers.



Maybe try this...

You have (in the past) been trying to define this thing for a few years now...

So maybe stop trying to "figure it out" , whether she is your wife, girlfriend, whatever...

and just enjoy being around her....

Labels tend to equal expectations....

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