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I don't have the same experience or insight as job, but I was about to post a very similar reply.

The mention of the M not having been fake indicates her thinking is beyond just her daughters. Maybe she regrets her decisions and actions. It a a good step.

If I had discarded my family I would be wary about reaching put. It is a huge step. You cannot take it for her. Leave her decide her next move. She will get back to you. Not replying was probably your best response.

I would have been tempted to thank her for her concern but that you are confident you can manage. Inversely I would also be tempted to ask what she is asking you to help with. It is hard to know how we would react in someone else's situation. I think you handled it good.

Best wishes.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Originally Posted By: Irish M

XW, I do not hold a grudge. That emotion died long ago. The only hurt I feel is that the girls don't have their mother in their lives.


Your reply to your XW is inspiring to this newbie.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Irish... nice to see an update and you handled this text book, if she wants to repair that bridge it is solely in her camp. May be the first part of her wanting to reconnect ... or may simply be a touch and go ... like job said ... "time will tell"


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Sorry for the long post.

Originally Posted By: bttrfly
the last sentence is what bothers me.

the first way i took it was as a threat.

but then i re-read it. perhaps she meant that she's sorry you have to be both parents due to her choices.

then there are the ...

deliberate ambiguity so you have to fill in the dots?


Hi bttrfly. I will try to post more updates. A small break did me some good as well. focused on D14

I agree the last line was a threat. The old W would say things like that to try to get my attention. Those rose colored glasses are long gone so I don't fold as easy.

Originally Posted By: job
As for your xw, yes, she's poking her head out once again and is trying a different tactic to get info. Sometimes they are nice and other times nasty. It will be interesting to see if she holds steady and starts doing what she needs to do to reconnect w/her family. Time will tell.
You are wise to not respond to this last message. Leave her to stew and think a while. She'll be texting again very soon.


Hi Job
Every 2 months she pops her head out and similar messages are sent to me. First the sad her, then the blaming me and finally the monster. I expect a few days of messaging. I will chose wisely when and if I respond.

Originally Posted By: roist

The mention of the M not having been fake indicates her thinking is beyond just her daughters. Maybe she regrets her decisions and actions. It a a good step.

If I had discarded my family I would be wary about reaching put. It is a huge step. You cannot take it for her. Leave her decide her next move. She will get back to you. Not replying was probably your best response.


Hi Roist
Yes I understand she did include the marriage in her message which was nice. I won`t take it for more than that, a comment.

I believe as well that is will be hard for her to come out and really try. Even before BD and MLC, she was never the one to talk about an issue. If we did have an argument it was always me who stepped up and broke the ice. Skills that if she had she would of probably avoided this all together.

Originally Posted By: Gordie
Your reply to your XW is inspiring to this newbie.


Hi Gordie. sorry you are here my friend. Stay strong and stay consistent. its so important not to let them pull you in. I failed a few times. I think .. no I am sure my feet are secure and I wont slide anymore.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Irish... nice to see an update and you handled this text book, if she wants to repair that bridge it is solely in her camp. May be the first part of her wanting to reconnect ... or may simply be a touch and go ... like job said ... "time will tell"


Agree with you Cali. Her mountain to climb. i won;t even hint at what she should do. A heart felt letter, a hello card, flowers, or whatever. not me to do. It needs to be from her and it needs to be genuine.

Here we go. emails from MLC land

Got home and had 4 very long emails.

Email 1

Hi Irish, I really want you to help me with the girls. You being a great dad you should understand that. I am sorry for what i did . What more do you want?
If i could go back in time I would not let the girls know what i did. Protect them from it and I would still be their mother.
Do you enjoy this. The girls are welcome to my happy home. i am so good now. i stopped drinking and don't smoke drugs. I work out and have started yoga. I have good friends that I go out with and i have been stable with the same boyfriend for over a year. I'm not a s**t.


my response is none. Same old no real apology, no ownership of what she did. Her saying how great she is and happy. Oh well.


Email 2

I reached out to the girls many times. 7 emails in all.
Ok i missed 2 birthdays each and Xmas. my bad.
Ok i bad mouthed you. My bad
Ok I played your moms emotions to get to the girls. my bad
I asked a mother of one of D16 to ask him to talk to her about me. My Bad

my response . No comment. At least she acknowledges her bad :-)

Email 3

I don't know what to do. Help me. Tell me.

I replied. i can't tell you. you must find your own solution. I don't want to tell you what to do that would be controlling , right?

Email 4

I know that the girls don't want anything to do with my family. They never liked my mom, my sister or my father. They were never close. It must not bother them that they are not in their lives.
If I died they probably wouldn't even go to my funeral.

You will never accept my apologies. you want to stay angry at me. You are afraid of letting me in.

I know what I did. I could probably say I'm sorry over and over and you will never accept it. You want control over me. You like to be mad at me because it hurts less.

I'm happy you take good care of the girls... Take care of yourself too.
Have a good day



This one I replied to. I just said. You believe what you want to. The girls did have a good relationship with your family. Sure it wasn't as close as it was with my side but there were many reasons why . They didn't hate them. Your family chose to not contact the girls. They are the adults. This is the reason why we don't talk. You keep throwing crap at me.

Have a good day as well. Take care



email 1-3 I shortened. the 4th email was word for word.

She is really spinning here.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
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Hi mon ami!

Yay, more frequent updates. Yes, a break is good.

RE: the recent emails: hmmm. Exw didn't have a history of drinking/alcoholism while you were together, did she? I'm kind of wondering if it would be helpful to do some reading on Alanon, as she seems to me to be veering into the manipulative addict/alcoholic side unless that is part and parcel also of MLC? I defer to Ellie or Job on that point.

You handled it beautifully for the most part. The only think I might have suggested is leaving out the "you keep throwing crap at me"' sentence, although I understand why you said it.

She is definitely spinning. Isn't it a relief that we don't have to go on that trip with them? xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi Bttrfly

No she didn't drink at all. A beer or glass of wine now and then. No drugs either .
After BD she got into heavy drinking and pot. I wasn't watching her after that if she was into anything else. So if she stopped , good for her. If it's true or not it's for her to live not me.

And for the crap she keeps throwing at me . It's a waste of my time and I don't need or want to listen to it.

:-)

She will quiet down and pop back out at Mother's Day.

One thing I've notice, she is remembering more and more each time the horible things she has done.

Good sign I think

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Irish

Just following along as I always have here ... and yes I agree she is really spinning at the moment and its impossible to figure out what has set this in motion. Reading along about her missing 2 birthdays and Xmas followed by a "my bad" ... seriously? Yes she is scratching the surface but in a way only a MLCr can pull off they minimize what they have done with the half ass "I'm sorry/my bad" or they just do not remember/acknowledge it at all, but we all know this so its easier to stay in control and not lash out. I do like the fact you seized the opportunity to truth dart her in spots and ignored others that you deemed trivial.

I agree, she will bake on this some more and pop out again in a couple months .. or she may ramp up a bit more as she is not getting the attention she is seeking from you or the daughters.


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Hi Cali

So glad you do follow along.
you were the first sitch i glued when i first came here. Looking for that magic trick to break this MLC from her. I have learnt so much from you and others.

Now I think I am going to need support on this tunnel break of hers.

Yesterdays messages were interesting. Today's are mind blowing.

Email 1 -

Hi Irish. I am so sorry again. I was thinking about why I did what I did. I needed to feel butterflies again. Like the ones you made me feel when we were together. The last year or so they were gone. I felt empty. Needed that rush.

you had every reason to be jealous. I tried to show you my love but I felt you didn't see it. Even though we made love nearly every day and I felt it was not enough.

We should of paid for the best therapist around to deal with the time I left 10 years ago. We didn't discuss it and your jealousy was born.

As for the girls. I didn't want to see them because they disrespected me. Came to my apartment without warning , even though they had a key and rooms there.
I left it all.

we need to communicate more.


Email 2 -

We really should of consulted a therapist and resolved our issues.
I am seeing one now and she is making me see things more clearly.

Have a good day.




So I just got back home to read these emails and I am shaking my head. I decided to wait to respond. What should I respond? Its still the same as 2 months ago.
This time however I do feel a more open XW and she has more memories and they seem to be haunting her.

Still a long way to go.

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Irish .... just like when you are in the middle of this all, what you say is not going to make or break this, so do not feel pressure one way or the other.

Reading along, she does seem to be a bit more clear, possible the fog is lifting ... myself having gone through a hard touch and go that I would never want for anyone I admittedly am far more cautious than others may be in your position, especially with the time line ... I know its possible ... but I do think she has a long way to go. Good news is she is actually starting to look within and for her being a vanquisher she does seem to be reaching out more the past several months.

Question is ... is she attempting to manipulate you to gain the inside track to the kids ... or is this an attempt to actually begin the re-connection process

As far as a reply, I think only 2 things I personally would respond to. 1- Glad to hear you have a good therapist helping you along. 2- As always I am open to discussion (you can put concerning the daughters here ... or just leave it open ended depending on how you want to move forward)


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I think, if I were in your shoes, I would say "I'm sorry you feel the way that you do. It's never too late to speak to an IC about the issues you have and maybe the therapist could help you find a way to reconnect w/your daughters."

Bounce that ball back into her court. It's not your job to make her happy and help her now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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