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WshIKnw Offline OP
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surviving = serving


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Quote:
Please don't anyone take this as me arguing with you and being disrespectful. I'm just really scared, and just want to feel confident that I'm making the right decisions. Let's say DB works X% of the time, and doesn't work Y% of the time. Why doesn't it work for those in the Y%? Could it be because the techniques just don't work on a certain set of people? Jeep says the techniques didn't work on his wife, that they made his situation worse. I'm so concerned that some people need attention from time to time, when we are supposed to be doing no contact. How do we know NC works on everyone? I am a H accused of being neglectful. I can have solace in the fact (even though it may have been a mistake) that I have already pursued her a lot, through the month of December and some in January. So, if she needed pursuit, she got it then and could have responded more positively to it, but didn't. I just worry that at some point, some sort of pursuit is needed from me to her. What if she thinks I'm okay with all of this, that the feelings are mutual? So, why not just go ahead and end it all and go our separate ways? How is that helping my cause?


I don't see that at all, WshIKnw. Not at all.

What I am seeing is akin to a frightened child who so desperately wants to keep that kite from flying away so they hold onto the string that much tighter. You, my friend, are that child. Your questions are valid, but may very well be to little to late. The thing is, they didn't reach this decision overnight. And to have an affair isn't something they take lightly - although some may if they are of the whorish variety. In their mind, they checked out of the marriage a long time ago, and we are nothing more than a nuisance to them.

Now, the DB techniques didn't work in my case due to her circumstances relating to her childhood. What we say as doing DB work just validated her feelings that I just didn't care, when that wasn't the case. And when I pursued, it was too little, too late in her eyes. It was a lose-lose all the way around. Different things for different people as there is no one set thing that works for all. Sure, there are techniques that I disagree with - but then again, that's based on my own personal experience.

Remember the butterfly. In reality, there is NOTHING that you can do but work on yourself.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Look, you have to fix YOURSELF before you can have any chance to fix your M/R.

I get it. You want the pain to go away. There are no shortcuts. Your email is not going to magically snap her out of this path that she is on. You can't talk yourself out of something you acted your way into. IT TAKES TIME AND WORK!!! It took time for her to get to this decision. In turn, it will take time for her heart to soften.

As for the affair, it is the symptom of the issues you had in the relationship. Ultimately people make that choice. You can focus on the why and what all day long if you choose. To me, that is time wasted if you continue to live there.

Figure out what your role was in the demise of your M/R and fix it. Otherwise, those issues are portable. They will follow you until they are addressed.

We come to DB'ing to save our M/R. What we discover is that it is a lifestyle change. It can be applied to all relationships in our lives. You have to get yourself right.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Aren't they often required to not give more drinks to someone who is clearly wasted and is planning to drive home? Maybe it varies by state. I think they are required to monitor the people they are surviving. If they see a drunk guy go get in a vehicle, they are likely obligated to try to stop him, or call the police.


Who tells them to go into the bar the first place? A bartender can't be fully aware of every single person.

Let me ask you this - is a fork responsible for making someone fat?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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If the only reason a wife cheats is because she wasn't getting what she needed in the marriage, and if it was the H's fault that she wasn't getting what she needed, how could the H not be partially at fault? Whether the H chooses to take any blame or not for his wife cheating, he better make d*mn sure he avoids neglecting his women in the future, if he was guilty of neglecting his wife, that's all I'm saying. If I lose my wife for good because of this, I want to learn as much as I can from this and not make the same mistakes again.


I understand you pain, believe me I do. However, each sitch is different. I will not take blame for my W's A because I am/was a good husband and father. My W told me all these things and would tell everyone in her circle of friends and family all the time. Why she did what she did?? There is no answer and putting blame on yourself is just wrong my friend. This isn't about you! This is about her and her unhappiness with herself. Again, surely there were things in my M that I should have taken notice and changed, but that does not give them the right to betray the one they loved. Her decisions to leave our M came long before the affair and she just used it as a way to get out. Yes, since my M is over, I have taken what I have learned here and will continue to apply it in my new R. That is all you can do.


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
What I am seeing is akin to a frightened child who so desperately wants to keep that kite from flying away so they hold onto the string that much tighter. You, my friend, are that child.

That's how I feel, unfortunately. She complained that I was like a child that couldn't take care of himself, too. The thing is, I'm pretty sure I was mostly that way from the day she and I met. But I suppose, while we were married, I could have gotten worse, as it's easy to let your wife fall into a mom/caretaker role, I think, especially when she's a very strong person and you are not. She did say that it was actually kind of fun for a while "taking care of" me. Maybe the idea of becoming a real mom was making her have second thoughts about that. I just wish she would have put her foot down, and forced me to man up, without resorting to giving up. What she has done has forced me back into a role of completely taking care of myself. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to be just doing it to get me to change. Otherwise, there would be no separation agreement. If you guys want to spit on me and tell me I deserve this and to GTFO the forums, I understand.

Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Your questions are valid, but may very well be to little to late. The thing is, they didn't reach this decision overnight. And to have an affair isn't something they take lightly - although some may if they are of the whorish variety. In their mind, they checked out of the marriage a long time ago, and we are nothing more than a nuisance to them.

I keep wrestling with my dad over the idea that she checked out a long time ago. I know she has had issues with me for years, but planning to leave me for years? No way. She and I planned in the summer to start trying to have kids in October. She wouldn't do that if she was planning to leave. In October, we never got around to trying to have kids. We did paint the back deck, though, which is a lot of work, and she probably did the majority of the painting because I was more meticulous. She wouldn't have bothered to do all of that work if she was planning to leave. When she started going cold, she quit doing much of anything. Rarely cooked, rarely did anything to take care of the house or the yard. Still did laundry, because it had to be done. But at that point, she was acting like she was done.

Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Now, the DB techniques didn't work in my case due to her circumstances relating to her childhood. What we say as doing DB work just validated her feelings that I just didn't care, when that wasn't the case. And when I pursued, it was too little, too late in her eyes. It was a lose-lose all the way around. Different things for different people as there is no one set thing that works for all. Sure, there are techniques that I disagree with - but then again, that's based on my own personal experience.

What were the childhood circumstances?


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Quote:
meticulous. She wouldn't have bothered to do all of that work if she was planning to leave. When she started going cold, she quit doing much of anything. Rarely cooked, rarely did anything to take care of the house or the yard. Still did laundry, because it had to be done. But at that point, she was acting like she was done.


Mine did all the normal right up until BD. I suspect that most others on here, did too. Divorce is a life-changing decision. I guarantee you she didn't make it in a couple of months. Maybe she looked as having kids as a last resort. Who knows, but even then that would have been a Band-Aid and huge mistake. You can't read into it.

Quote:
What were the childhood circumstances?


The unmentionable childhood abuse - which I only briefly touched on here on the forum. As bad as it could get - and I am amazed that she functioned this well for so long. But that's another story.

Quote:
What she has done has forced me back into a role of completely taking care of myself


Well, here is your chance. For you...not her.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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If you guys want to spit on me and tell me I deserve this and to GTFO the forums, I understand.


Absolutely not! You do not deserve this and no spouse deserves to be betrayed for that matter. You can only focus on bettering yourself. Not for her, but for you.

Quote:
I keep wrestling with my dad over the idea that she checked out a long time ago. I know she has had issues with me for years, but planning to leave me for years?


The damage to your M didn't happen overnight. She didn't wake up one day and just say she didn't want to be married anymore. Same with having an A. Therefore, knowing this means that you are going to have a long road ahead of you. Just stay focused on reading and working on things for you my friend.


M: 37 W: 36
T: 16 M: 11
D2: 8,3
PA: 2015
WAW: 2016
W Filed: 2017
2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
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I hope you realize that we are trying to encourage you and help you see things from a big picture perspective. Sometimes it comes with a 2x4. Nonetheless, you have as much right to be on these forums as the rest of us.

You get to choose what advice we share with you that applies and what advice to discard. You are working to find your way. We get it.

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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Divorce is a life-changing decision. I guarantee you she didn't make it in a couple of months. Maybe she looked as having kids as a last resort. Who knows, but even then that would have been a Band-Aid and huge mistake. You can't read into it.

When asked, she said that she hadn't been actively thinking about leaving me, but it did pop into her mind from time to time. She seemed to be saying that she just kind of all of a sudden had an epiphany right around the time of our anniversary. I guess she just hit that 7-year-itch time-frame right on the mark.

I'm pretty sure that she has just been dissatisfied for a while, and so she was in a vulnerable state -- vulnerable to outside advances. And when the right person came along, after she switched jobs over the summer, all of a sudden, she had another ship to jump over to, and so all of a sudden she did just that, once she felt like he was a good guy and he was going to take her on. I think that's why she didn't offer up marriage counseling, make any stern warnings, give any ultimatums, or anything to try to fight for the marriage. I don't think she would have just split like that and given up, if she hadn't found another ship to step over to all of a sudden. And maybe for a few months, she could see that ship coming over, and during that time kind of hoped her current ship would sink, so that she could justify stepping over. Self-fulfilling prophesy. I'm still trying to figure it out. But this scenario makes a lot more sense to me than her planning to leave for months or years.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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