Hi everyone, just finished reading the D Remedy and struggling here. My W of 21 years DB'd on 25 Jan 16, thirteen days after i deployed. Before i left she started changing all of her passwords to include e-mail, phone, etc...what i thought was being very secretive. I began to think she was cheating. Things got a bit better, but i still kept tabs on her and tracked her because of the secretiveness and my insecurity. I did not find any evidence that she was cheating in the short time i watched. I know tracking her was wrong, and when I admitted to doing that, it was the last straw. W immediately said thats it she is 100% done. She said i will never touch her again or stay under the same roof again. Then said she wanted to D for along time now, doesn't love me and not attracted to me anymore because of my controlling ways.
She had a consult with a lawyer and sent an e-mail with terms of D. I'm currently deployed (departed mid January and will be gone 1 year till Jan 18) For 3 weeks I called, texted, begged, and did everything wrong until just recently, after reading the D remedy. I went 3 days the first time without contact before she contacted me...we talked about our S14 & S16 before the conversation shifted to me saying... I'm not the same person (Which is true) and she becomes extremely angry. Says things like you said that last time, you'll never change, you cant manipulate me anymore, you cant control me, etc...We have had plenty of ups and downs over the years and I admit to being controlling in the past. When we argue I'm the pursuer who keeps going to try to make things right when she want to back off (I know wrong, respect her barriers) I have never laid a finger on her but she says she is intimidated by me. Hearing that makes me sick to my stomach. I love her very much and cant help to think i have lost her forever. Being deployed has its own huge barriers...The only technique i feel like i can use is the 180 (Going dark). When i don't talk to her though i feel like she enjoys it and says she feels free...it only stresses me more. She is seeing a therapist and has been told by her friends, lawyer and therapist that she better off with a D and to keep her guard up(her words). I feel all alone in this and not sure what to do next. Being deployed is making this much worse, stressing me out and I'm really starting to get depressed more and more every day. Im seeing counselors here and talked to one of the DB phone coachs. Im not sure what to do now. I Love my W and don't want to lose my family. Any ideas are welcome for this beginner...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry that you find yourself in this predicament. You've come to a great place that has saved me. You'll find that there are truly awesome people here.
Before I start, I'd like to say thank you for your service, sir!
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Before i left she started changing all of her passwords to include e-mail, phone, etc...what i thought was being very secretive. I began to think she was cheating. Things got a bit better, but i still kept tabs on her and tracked her because of the secretiveness and my insecurity. I did not find any evidence that she was cheating in the short time i watched
Very, very odd. That screams of affair to me. Mine did the same - and hid the affair very, very well. As the general rule goes, where there is smoke...
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She is seeing a therapist and has been told by her friends, lawyer and therapist that she better off with a D and to keep her guard up(her words).
Of course her lawyer will tell her that, as will her friends. The therapist, well, I don't trust. You'll find that if she's good, she can manipulate a therapist into saying that...if she is telling the truth that is. Mine was very good at manipulating...after all, she's been seeing mil docs for years and by her own words (to me, not written) she says they are no help and easily led. A snake, she is.
Being deployed [censored], I know. You are doing the right thing by seeking counseling. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Period. We are here for you, brother.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sorry you find yourself here and thanks for you service!
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I'm not the same person (Which is true) and she becomes extremely angry. Says things like you said that last time, you'll never change, you cant manipulate me anymore, you cant control me, etc...We have had plenty of ups and downs over the years and I admit to being controlling in the past.
I also pleaded with my W after she left and told her that I was not the same man anymore as well. Its not about words at this point, but about actions. However, being in the position you are you will not be able to show her that you have truly changed. The best approach I have taken was to remain calm while talking to the W and I keep the conversations about the kids. I have stopped talking about the MR! If the W initiates anything in regards to the BD then I refrain from answering any questions that concern any big decisions. I have repeatedly just tell her that this is what you want and I will not stand in her way. At this point I just treat her like a friend and let her find her own path in life while I focus on myself and my kids.
These techniques haven't accomplished winning my W back and starting a new MR, but I it has helped me detach. Detachment was huge for me as it has helped me get back to loving myself and now I am not so focused on my M. This was a key for me as at one point I stopped eating, sleeping, and was performing poorly at work. I now no longer focus my attention on her or my M which has helped me gain my sanity back. I know it is difficult, but you need to focus on yourself right now. That is the best you can do at this time so you will be prepared either way. Stay safe out there and post as much as you can.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Thank you for the support...We are talking about money now and that is never easy. I just need to get away from her for a while to figure me out...Very depressing.
Had a really hard day...broke some rules in DB and now i feel terrible. I talked to her multiple time about the kids, money and other things. I really need to figure out how to just get her out of my mind. She had sent me an E-mail with terms of divorce a while back and I just talked with an ATTY to see where i stand. Since I'm deployed my wife cannot serve me divorce paperwork in a war zone. So i can hold this thing off 10-11 more months. I love her so much but she is just nasty to me on the phone, is still adamant that we are 100% finished. I know it hasn't been long compared to some people here but it just hurts so bad. She says things like i want someone who will love me like i need to be. How can she think about being with another man after such a short period of time? I need to regroup and figure out what to do. When i didn't talk to her for a week, she said that was the most relaxing time she has had since the BD. It makes me feel like going dark isn't helping me here. Being deployed i don't have allot of options but absolutely willing to listen to any suggestions or things that have worked for others. Thank you
Thanks for the post SAL, i need to follow your advice because I too am not eating, sleeping and performance has absolutely been altered. I need to get my act together. I just love her and my family so much it is on my mind all the time. Starting to get depressed thinking about the BigD. Thank you
Gordie: Welcome to the broken husbands club. I got my BD back in September, so am only a few months ahead of you on this journey...and thank you for your service.
BrknH: Before i left she started changing all of her passwords to include e-mail, phone, etc...what i thought was being very secretive. I began to think she was cheating.
Gordie: Unfortunately, if you suspect it, then it's probably happening in some form...maybe she fantasizes about a guy she knows, maybe she's already in an EA with a friend or colleague, maybe she's already in a PA...and with your deployment, she has free reign to do what she wants.
BrknH: W immediately said thats it she is 100% done. She said i will never touch her again or stay under the same roof again. Then said she wanted to D for along time now, doesn't love me and not attracted to me anymore because of my controlling ways.
Gordie: Yes, your W has been thinking about this for a long, long time. BD seems sudden to you, but it's probably taken months or years for your W to get there...she's had to overcome her fears...and she's been planning her next steps.
BrknH: she becomes extremely angry. Says things like you said that last time, you'll never change, you cant manipulate me anymore, you cant control me, etc...
Gordie: When they get angry like this, the vets around her call this spew...and some of the spew is warranted, some is rewriting history, some is who knows what. The only thing to do is STFU and listen...when she brings up a valid point, then validate...try not to argue/fight back/escalate...
BrknH: I have never laid a finger on her but she says she is intimidated by me. Hearing that makes me sick to my stomach.
Gordie: My W has made some amazingly outlandish accusations and they do hurt...do not validate if they aren't true...and if you are deployed, be careful that you not put anything in writing (or she may be recording your phone conversations) that could hurt you in court...
BrknH: I love her very much and cant help to think i have lost her forever.
Gordie: The vets say that the old M is dead...it was dead on BD...but it's very hard for us left behinds to accept that because it seems so...sudden...particularly for those of us who have been M for so long (my BD happened shortly after my 20 year anniversary celebration)...not to say that you can't hope for a new one with your W...but that old one is dead. You need to mourn that your M is dead. Just like the death of a relative or friend, you need to process those feelings and let them out...with the support of others. Maybe you are a guy like me who has a hard time letting his feelings out...but it's really important to figure out a way to do this...or the unprocessed grief will eat away at your physical (not sleeping, not eating) and mental health (constant sadness, anger, anxiety).
BrknH: Being deployed is making this much worse, stressing me out and I'm really starting to get depressed more and more every day. Im seeing counselors here and talked to one of the DB phone coachs. Im not sure what to do now. I Love my W and don't want to lose my family.
Gordie: I'm glad you have seen a counselor and talked to a DB coach. What do they say? I wish I had advice for you about techniques while deployed...but I don't. The only thing I can say is that you are in the depths of despair...stop thinking about the future...pray (if you are religious)...live only one day at a time...it will get better. You are stronger than you know. And by the way, have you told the kids? How are they coping? They will need your help to get through this too.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
When i didn't talk to her for a week, she said that was the most relaxing time she has had since the BD. It makes me feel like going dark isn't helping me here.
So why do you feel like you need to pursue her? I promise you that adding stress to her life is not going to earn you any points in her book. I think going as dark as you can and completely giving up any R talks is the best way forward. That said, make sure to continue to contact your children; dont let your relationships with them suffer.
Well, things just don't get better. As i mentioned earlier WW had already seen a lawyer about the D and i was advised to get one as well. I have a 2nd consulttaion in 9 days, because the first one with attorney 1 didn't go very well. We have a joint bank account that both of our payroll check goes into. W was paying off debt as quick as possible with joint funds running the account to almost empty. In order to put some money back for my attorney i had to move my direct deposit to another account for Attorney fees and future expenses. I made an allotment to send to the joint account for W to pay my half of current expenses. W is not happy at all now and says she is going to her attorney to get a court ordered family/child support order. Now i wish i had just let it go...I would rather be broke or in debt than to continue to make this worse. I was trying to GAL and take care of myself. She told me she would gather bills and let the judge decide who did the right thing. Again I'm deployed and starting to think i need to have some money put back for a 2nd household, startup fees, etc...Not sure what to do now. The email i sent her telling her what i was doing also said tell me if you don't agree and I'm willing to work with her to make sure its right. She would never tell me what she thought. Im willing to do more but have not idea what she wants because she will never say what she thinks is right. Haven't talked to her in a couple of days now and I'm not sure where to go from here. As of a couple of days ago she wasn't answering texts so I'm not sure anything is different. Do i text and ask her again what she thinks right looks like? Do i leave it alone and see what happens? I want to to be civil with her about this but not sure where to go...anyone been in a similar circumstance??
