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Originally Posted By: sellout
Thank you all for the well wishes and comments thus far. So, its my understanding that I should forgo going to the counseling re/engage program until she gives up the other man? She is saying she wants to go to the program to see if there is any hope in the marriage and then she will give up the man. Seems like a catch 22. My thought process at the moment is that the program is just over 24 hours from now as Im typing this. I have nothing to lose between now and then and I will go with her to the program. Then, after the program is over tomorrow night, in my mind the clock is ticking and perhaps I draw a hard line in the sand with an ultimatum and time frame. Id she refuses to stop seeing him, I can pretty much assume it is over and then continue on with the divorce proceeding in about 28 days. Does anyone think this is a good/bad plan? Thoughts?


Its a good plan if you want to be divorced.

She has to decide to give up OM. If you try to push her to decide it, she is going to resist and rebel.

This divorce is about you protecting yourself -- not about punishing her.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen

She has to decide to give up OM. If you try to push her to decide it, she is going to resist and rebel.

This divorce is about you protecting yourself -- not about punishing her.


Sorry, I should have been more clear.

I dont think its a good idea to say "If you are still seeing OM then I am going to keep the divorce proceedings on track."

Better is to say that "I am not interested in staying in a relationship with someone who is seeing another person."

In the second phrasing, it's about you and what you will accept. The first is about trying to control her actions.

Last edited by Cadet; 03/20/17 05:20 AM. Reason: Combine posts
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Originally Posted By: sellout
Thank you all for the well wishes and comments thus far. So, its my understanding that I should forgo going to the counseling re/engage program until she gives up the other man? She is saying she wants to go to the program to see if there is any hope in the marriage and then she will give up the man. Seems like a catch 22. My thought process at the moment is that the program is just over 24 hours from now as Im typing this. I have nothing to lose between now and then and I will go with her to the program. Then, after the program is over tomorrow night, in my mind the clock is ticking and perhaps I draw a hard line in the sand with an ultimatum and time frame. Id she refuses to stop seeing him, I can pretty much assume it is over and then continue on with the divorce proceeding in about 28 days. Does anyone think this is a good/bad plan? Thoughts?


Hi sellout,

This all sounds way oversimplified. We are missing a lot of crucial information before getting on board with this plan.

What is the rush? Take the time to really do some soul searching and get some clarity on your goals while considering what is best for your son.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Well things went south very quick. I told her that I would NOT go to the program (tonight at 6:30) under the pretenses that she is still seeing the OM. She shut down rather quickly and we are not not talking and certainly not going tonight. She spent the night with him last night again. Back to the drawing board and/or obtaining an attorney ASAP since the divorce is schedule for hearing in about 3 weeks. not good people!!


Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
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Originally Posted By: sellout
not good people!!


Whats not good?

Through your actions, you stood up for what you believe in and showed you wouldnt be her Plan B.

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Agreed, but at the end of the day, where did that get me? Is it about "standing up for myself" and ego, or doing whatever it takes to make it work long term even if that means being dragged through the mud for the time being. Trust me, this is not easy and my mind goes back and forth by the hour. Its touch and go... This is where I left it..."I will respect your wishes of giving you space, but let me know if you decide to change your mind about tonight".



so i even backtracked and asked her if she would go to the program tonight and her response was "absolutely not". About 14 hours ago she was all in for going and we were even go to ride together. Then after texting back and forth all morning, I receive this text from her "Leave me alone, your suffocating me. I want nothing more than to never see or talk to you again right now".

I want this to work but im not a patient person by nature. Do I give her space (how much/how long) or continue to try and get her to go tonight?

Last edited by Cadet; 03/28/17 04:16 PM.

Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
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Originally Posted By: sellout
Agreed, but at the end of the day, where did that get me?

Have you read any of Sandi's threads on LBS with a WW?

Your W is in a relationship with another man. You cannot compete with him and the more that you try, the more you will convince her that he is the "best choice". It isnt about 'ego', it IS about doing what works the best long term. And the best chance that you have 'long term' to make this marriage work is to earn her respect. How can you earn respect by competing for her with this other man?

Originally Posted By: sellout
This is where I left it..."I will respect your wishes of giving you space, but let me know if you decide to change your mind about tonight".

So, now Im confused. You are leaving it to her to decide if she wants to go tonight? I thought you made it clear you werent going to while she is seeing another man. You JUST said she slept at his house last night. I think, from her actions, it's clear that she isnt going to drop him TODAY. So what confusion is there about going tonight?

In my opinion, it's a lot more effective to give her space than to tell her youre going to give her space.

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KAizen: Thanks and you are right. So, how do I show her that I refuse to compete with him but not give the impression that I am giving up? Seems like a catch 22 right?

Your right, she is NOT going to drop him today, this week or next. Her comment was "she will take this one step and see what happens" by going to the event. However, I was not ok with us going to the event with her still seeing him (which i may now regret). She is having her cake and eating it too by dating him and just in case that doesn't work out she can come back running to me. That's what I have the problem with. With that said, if I cut all ties (give up) then there is ZERO chance it will work. Am I right?


Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
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Originally Posted By: sellout
how do I show her that I refuse to compete with him but not give the impression that I am giving up? Seems like a catch 22 right?

What do you mean by 'giving up'? What exactly is there right now to 'give up'? What it sounds like you mean is how can I continue to pursue her while not pursuing her?

My advice is to give up. Let her have whatever this is with OM. The more you fight it, the more it will galvanize them anyway. Take your focus off of her and work on becoming the best you that you can be. How can you be an awesome dad? How can you be more empathetic? a better listener? a better friend? a better validator? more patient? more tolerant? etc etc

If she does decide to entertain actually reconciling with you, then you can decide what you want.

Originally Posted By: sellout
With that said, if I cut all ties (give up) then there is ZERO chance it will work. Am I right?

Thats your fear talking. You believe if you let her have freedom of choice that she wont choose you. You will always have some level of connection through your child. If she wants to talk to you, she knows where to find you.

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I think you are right. If I had to rate how things are going right now I would give it a zero. I guess the only way from here is up right. I keep reading on working on myself and getting ME right, which i am already doing. Eating healthy, exercise, spiritually, etc... but if I dont talk or see her how will she she that i have become the man she wants to choose? Or is this even the point? I need to work on me, for me, right? So day 1 i guess on the new me and total 180's. Again, by nature I am impatient but that is something i need to work on. I think that if i dont see some type of sign or improvement between now and the divorce hearing (3.5 weeks) then I will go through with it. The thing she really struggles with is selling the house (its the place where all of our sons friends congregate), a home we have built together. Also she is not ok with us living in 2 separate apartments with our son going back and forth between. Her quality of life will be significantly diminished, but I dont think at this point she cares. Since she got pregnant at 19 and didn't have the "fun" time in her life she is finally getting to experience that. The problem being that it comes with consequences that she could and probably will regret later on because its going to cost her her family, home, security, money, etc... From what I understand here, there is nothing me or anyone else can do to convince her of that. She will either decide its not worth it or decide its worth it and possibly regret it later on.

Also, should I be dating? I have opportunities to do so now. If so, should I tell her or "let her find out"? Does creating jealousy help?


Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
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I only have one question ...




Do you love her ??


It is rare that I don't read those words in an initial post...

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