And here is another note for you. When your sitch takes very little space in your thoughts and you are just enjoying life, you have arrived. It takes work to get there. Not sitting and waiting.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You want to get to your happy place INDEPENDENT of your W. Your happiness is YOUR responsibility. Happy and confident people are attractive. Do things that make you happy. Get out of your comfort zone and experience what life has to offer.
Please describe to me what an attractive person looks like. Traits and such. After you do that exercise. You bust your behind to become that person.
An attractive person looks healthy, neat, and clean. I am underweight, skinny, and pale. I should probably cut my hair, too, even though I have had a ponytail for about 15 years, and my wife has always known me with it. She was interested in me cutting it, but was scared she wouldn't like it. An attractive person is happy, friendly, and outgoing. I am usually sad now, and not very outgoing. An attractive person has multiple interests. I have few interests. An attractive person has friends. I don't have any, really.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
^^^^^ All that you wrote is work that needs to get done. Make them your goals. Start with small attainable goals. Perhaps use a calendar to fill in your GAL activities.
I suggest to cut your hair. You've mentioned it more than once. Do it for yourself. It doesn't matter what your W thinks right now. She has her own work to do. Get a head start.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Wife just blocked me, and everyone in my circle apparently, from being able to see most of her stuff on her Facebook profile. Might as well just have unfriended us all. I haven't done anything to make her mad. I haven't even had contact with her since Monday of last week, before she did this. Though, I talked to her really quickly over text about lawyers, tonight, after seeing the FB change, and she didn't seem mad about anything. Sent me a picture of our (now, her) dog, without me requesting it. I can't believe how this girl just went from hot (well, warm) to cold so fast. No warnings with words ("I am reaching the end of my rope"), no ultimatums, no warnings with action (like leaving for a week), no second chance (I asked for that several times), nothing. Just made her heart turn to stone, and then left a few weeks later. Never seen her behave anything like this before. She always had a little temper, but d*mn. Not this.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I just typed my wife a message, and it's so hard to not send it to her, because I've been doing no contact for at least 2 weeks, I believe, and things just keep going in the wrong direction. I just don't want to throw away an opportunity by just sitting back. What if no contact isn't working on her? I haven't reached out to her for reconciliation in many weeks. I have mostly told her the following things before, but I think this time I am stressing certain things more effectively, and maybe since I haven't been talking to her much lately, and haven't brought up our relationship in a long time, she will be more receptive to hear it. It's kind of a last ditch, "this is the main cause of our breakdown; it wasn't that hard to make things work", effort for reconciliation. I'm tired of sitting back, not making contact, and watching her continue towards ending things with me. I know it goes against the DB philosophy, but how do I know that the DB philosophy works on her? Here is the message:
Quote:
Good morning, W. I was just thinking about that last time you came to me and complained about me not pursuing friends. If I had known that you were nearing the end of your rope with me, I'd have been saying, "Whoa! Okay! When can we go hang out with [Couple1_H], [Couple1_W], [Couple2_H], [Couple2_W]??" I just needed to know how important things like this were to you. I didn't know that, for whatever reasons. Dr. K, I believe, talked about needing to know how important requests were. I truly adored you, W, even though it didn't always completely show, in the everyday relationship because of how laid back people often get when relationships feel very stable and become routine. I would have been willing to do so, so much more for you and the relationship, if I had understood how badly you needed things. I wish so much that we had gone to marriage counseling and learned better how to communicate, before things got too bad. I could have learned how to better listen, and perhaps we could have both learned how to better reach each other. I think a whole lot of our problems were just based on misunderstanding. I was guilty of doing a ton of bad things, W. I know that. If I had understood how truly upset these things made you, and how much I was in danger of losing you, I would have been jumping to correct these things, and to make lasting changes. I truly loved you. Having you was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I would have been willing to do so much more, if I had truly understood how you felt about things. You told me a few weeks ago that we would never be able to forgive each other. You might not be able to ever forgive me for my wrongdoings in our marriage, but don't be so sure that I wouldn't be able to forgive you, for whatever you think I'd have to forgive, because a perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. Because our love and bond was so strong, and because of all the truly wonderful things that you brought into my life, I'd be willing to forgive a whole lot.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I'm going to probably go against everyone here as you'll probably get many "don't send it" responses. You see, in my case the techniques I learned here had the opposite effect on her...she ran even more, so-to-speak. It is what it is, though. On one hand, I'd say send it as your last ditch shot...however, you may want change the past tense to present in the "I love you" parts. Just sayin. In reality, what would it hurt? We have all wanted - or actually did - to send the final shot. Now, the flip side - sending it pursuing, no doubt about that. You've heard plenty on that here so I won't go into it.
What it boils down, is will it work in terms of having an affect on her and maybe change her mind/thinking? Only she can answer that... She may very well come back and say "its too little, too late" as my ex did when I sent her one. She very well could throw it back in your face, so if you do intend to send it just be prepared.
Or, she may actually start thinking. The unfortunate gift we have been given is not having the ability to see into the future. No one can answer the questions you pose save your wife. The question that now remains is will you do it? There are only two possible outcomes and you must be prepared for each.
If it were me, I'd send it. What have you got to lose?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep, maybe you are right about switching to present tense on those "I loved/adored you"s.
Going back, maybe find a way to include both?
Now, that's just my advice - take it for what its worth.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I don't want you to see reconciliation as a waste of money that you have put into leaving me. If we reconciled, I'd be willing to pay you most of what you have spent on leaving me, if not perhaps all of what you have spent.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
If it were me, I wouldn't put any of that in there. Because, if it does go to divorce, she has it in writing and will be used against you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
