Next phase: Divorce and Acceptance

[pinn]

Haha going and getting it pax! I like that! I think you should give yourself a little reward after all that hard work but now pull it back in! You got this! Booo to real life haha

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Pinn- I'm reelin it in!

Well, today is (what would have been) my 7 year wedding anniversary and it's been 3 years since the straw that broke this camels back!

On our four year wedding anniversary, my husband and I were out for a romantic dinner at our favorite restaurant... The evening was weird, as was our whole relationship at that time. I was Sooo tired of all the crap. He had gone from quitting his career without telling me, to buying the motorcycle, to being obsessed with guns and video games, to being even more obsessed with his looks. All while dealing with a major lawsuit that had our finances in a tizzy. I admit, it had gotten to be really challenging to keep up the brave smiley face.

Little did I know that I was about to get the bomb of my life that would send me in to a depression. Over our filet and lobster, my ex turned to me and said, in a completely emotionless tone, "if we're not pregnant in 2 months, there's no point in being married."

And that's all she wrote! Well, I should say, that was the beginning of a very long downward spiral.

From that moment on, I couldn't really hide the fact that I didn't feel safe with this man. It was horrible. On the outside I was barely coping, and on the inside I had died. Yet, I still did what I could muster in order to be the best wife I could. I would work all day, come home to find him playing video games and screaming at the 13 year olds he was playing against. The reason I even bring that up is because he wouldn't even acknowledge my existence until he was done playing. I was a burden. He wouldnt even stop playing it and acknowledge me until he put down the remote and by that time it was when I was done making him dinner.
Ugh- pathetic pathetic woman.

So, today, I drop off the dog. Its been the same scenario every week. I haven't seen ex at all. He just opens and shuts the door while hiding behind it. I'm left to drop off the dog leash, etc on the front stoop after the door is shut.

Today, I left feeling so so sad. It really is like mourning the dead. What I know for certain is- i don't deserve to be treated like sh@t and I would never go back to him, but I'm still so sad over the loss of the what could have been and that idea of having a happy marriage and family.

Its gonna be a long day. It's tough, but I'll get through it.

[Coly23]

(((Pax))), sending you hugs. It diesn't get easier does it. Next month would have been my seven year anniversary too. Last year I spent it sobbing all day this year, who knows.

Your H is a coward if he hides behind his front door when you exchange the dog. Next time maybe you should call out - "yoohoo, any one there!!!"

Your doing great Pax, in fact it sounds like you had a lucky escape!!!

[OwnIt]

Pax, that is awful. I'm so sorry. I wonder why he still clings to the dog and just doesn't let you have him/her?

I imagine the only thing that makes this easier is that he is obviously deeply troubled and his actions have nothing to do with you. Mine does normal things from time to time so I have to scratch my head and think maybe it's not narcissism or MLC, maybe just an unhappy guy who only sometimes remembers he has kids and really hates his STBX.

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
I know. xoxoxo

[Sotto]

Ugh - why do some people behave this way?? Sorry to hear that Pax and big hugs to you. Seeing puppy is really important to you I know. And it does also come at a price - and the price is having a ringside seat to see your H behaving like this. I had to laugh at Coly's 'Yoo Hoo!' Suggestion - H, why ARE you cringing behind the door??? I don't have a highly contagious disease you know!

The main thing is always how you feel. He may do his stuff and that's up to him. Frankly, I would aim for grace, shrug and go about your day. Try not to give him too much headspace at all - particularly if he's behaving in that way. I know it isn't easy, but gently persist and it will come more fully with time.

Honestly, what does it take to come to the door and offer a cool but polite Hello and then say - enjoy your time with Pup...

Sheesh...any ways, I think you sound lovely - however he might behave xxx

[Gordie]

That is just so awful, beyond words. Yes, he is a coward.

[Pax_luv]

Coly, Own, Brtrfly, Sotto, Gordie,
Thank you all so much for being "there" in my slump. I so appreciate you all. I've rebounded and am back on steady footing.

I wouldn't say he's being a coward. I think he's trying to teach me a lesson by treating me like sh*t. I didn't accept his settlement offer so Im just a greedy, selfish, b. I deserve to be treated like I don't exist.

Let's keep in mind he put a settlement offer out there before any disclosures had to be made. And he kept threatening that I better take it because he wasn't going to be that generous ever again. He started at one figure, and then decreased. Hmmm....Yeah, cuz I'm just some broad he can pay off with a pathetic check.

No sir.

But that just goes to show you (and me) how valued I truly was in the relationship.

It was all fake, I was just an accessory that had to live and play by his rules.

It all makes sense now. Older-financially comfortable-man meets and falls in love with young hot woman. Man is smitten until he gets bored with his life, makes demands to young wife to comply with his wishes, and when young wife realizes she's not in a safe relationship, old man loses interest and falls out of love..... Blames wife. Old mans thinks he can just pay her to go away and when the wife says no, old man goes ballistic, and former friends and family of old husband believes young wife was just a gold digger all along.

Uch. Honestly, deep down inside, I thought maybe this was the scenario at the beginning of the relationship. I mean we had a 13 year age difference. It's not huge, and I'm mature for my age and I loved him. People would always joke that I would be the one to leave him. NEVER was it the other way around.

Oh well. There's literally nothing I can do about it now. Regardless of what ex thinks, I was a person who built a life with him and not some problem that would go away by throwing money at it ( and a very little bit of money it was).


Truth is, I did dodge a bullet, but it doesn't make any of this easier.

Coly, IT DOES GET BETTER! I promise you this. It took me a loooooong time to get where I am today and it's not easy, but I honestly do have a better life than before BD. Just have to do the work and be honest with yourself and live a life of integrity. There's so much BS surrounding divorce.

So, in the last 10 days, I've gone on 4 dates! Omg! I'm leaning into the fun of dating but it's hard to keep everyone straight. I also need to push it at the gym because I am indulging way to much on these dates. That's definitely new and exciting!

[pinn]

Coly, IT DOES GET BETTER! I promise you this. It took me a loooooong time to get where I am today and it's not easy, but I honestly do have a better life than before BD. Just have to do the work and be honest with yourself and live a life of integrity. There's so much BS surrounding divorce.

Sometimes when people first visit here, they look for success stories and ask for examples. Of course they mean reconciliation. But if there is one thing I have learned over my time here, success can be mean so many different things. I think you are a great example of a success story Pax... what a transformation you have gone through! Congrats to you!

Good luck with the dating, sounds like you are enjoying it. Be picky, you deserve it. Some guy is going to be very lucky!

[ciluzen]

Wow Pax! 4 dates in 10 days...I believe it that you have trouble keeping them all straight in your head! Go you, though. Sounds like your having fun exploring that world. In fact, I'm impressed with how well you've GALed...created challenges and met them head on, over and over. Its been fun to "watch" you blossom as you've travelled this journey and found your strength. Things seem to be falling into place. Well, no... that discounts your hard work. You seem to be PULLING things into place.

I'm glad you get to have your pup back part time. Maybe I missed it, but was your pup more your dog (they always choose someone)? I wonder why ex even wants to hold on to pup, knowing he is forced to do the exchange. How does that benefit him? Stubborness usually has a reason...deeper than control. Especially since by being forced to do the exchange, he's smacked in the face with his LACK of control in the sitch. It simply means he's forced to see you (even though he's hiding behind a door). But hiding so that you can't see him doesn't mean he can't see you. Its funny how sometimes they still seem to want a connection. Sorry if I'm overthinking...its what I tend to do, lol.

Keep doing you, Pax. You're very good at it. I'm inspired by your progress in life, as are so many on here. You are a success story.