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WshIKnw Offline OP
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My wife told me in the past that she could forgive me for cheating on her. This was just early relationship talk. She didn't indicate she had any reason to believe I might or had cheated. I don't remember what I told her in response to that. I probably said something like, "I might could forgive, but it's such an extreme situation that I can't imagine being in. It's hard to determine how I would actually react, if it actually happened to me and I was experiencing the pain of it."

She told me a few weeks ago that one reason "we're over" is because she said I wouldn't be able to forgive her and she wouldn't be able to forgive me (for my lack of trying, basically). It has made me wonder what exactly I'd need to forgive her for. It would seem that most people wouldn't consider leaving someone an unforgivable hurt. So, it was another reason to make me wonder whether she has had an affair.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Quote:
So, can the family of the LBS ever forgive a cheating spouse that comes back? What do you guys know about that?

Some may, and some won't. She would have to prove herself above and beyond. And if any feel about cheating as I do, then there is your answer.

Did your wife cheat on you, Jeep? If so, I guess you didn't try to reconcile. (?)


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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Posts: 2,937
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Quote:
Did your wife cheat on you, Jeep? If so, I guess you didn't try to reconcile. (?)


Yes, she did. It wouldn't have mattered if I had tried to reconcile or not, as she was past done. As you are aware of her/my story, there were so many things from her past that made her run. Long story. I know that one should ever expect an apology, but she never did - for what she did to me or to the OMs family.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
you know the old adage, once a cheater...

Just because there is a saying supporting an idea, that doesn't mean it's true. I do, of course, believe that one should be very cautious about continuing/reconciling a relationship with someone that has cheated. I think Sandi gives some good guidelines to handle that. But I am just beginning to read up on how to continue after an affair.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
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Of course it isn't always true. Not always.

Sandi gives awesome advice! I love reading her stuff. At the end of the day it comes down to if/how/would you trust that person again.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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I think I have good reason to trust her again, if she in fact did cheat.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
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Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
LITB, did you ever have separation with your wife, with a legal agreement? Were you ever financially separated and did she have the legal right to be with other men?


I was separated from my W with a divorce agreement. I live in a no fault state, so the state doesn't concern itself with affairs.

FWIW, some of my family were more forgiving than others. It wasn't until this past thanksgiving when we went around the table to share what we were thankful for, that my W apologized to my whole family for what she did. That was a profound moment. It takes a lot of courage and humility to admit your faults. There was a shift in forgiveness for the last of the holdouts.

For you right now, there is a ton of work to do before you get to that stage. Why worry about tomorrow, when there is enough to worry about today? What have you been doing with your time?


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
you know the old adage, once a cheater...

Just because there is a saying supporting an idea, that doesn't mean it's true. I do, of course, believe that one should be very cautious about continuing/reconciling a relationship with someone that has cheated. I think Sandi gives some good guidelines to handle that. But I am just beginning to read up on how to continue after an affair.


Hello WshIKnw,

Yes, it is smart to be cautious, but there is more to it than that. There is a big difference between moving forward and moving on. Moving forward, with the right support, addresses the things that you have control over, yourself. Recognizing what you can do differently to move forward in a positive way is very empowering.

Take some small steps to focus on yourself. Stop focusing so much on her and what she is doing/thinking. Trying to mind read will drive you bananas and keep your wheels spinning.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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WshIKnw Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: LITB
I was separated from my W with a divorce agreement. I live in a no fault state, so the state doesn't concern itself with affairs.

FWIW, some of my family were more forgiving than others. It wasn't until this past thanksgiving when we went around the table to share what we were thankful for, that my W apologized to my whole family for what she did. That was a profound moment. It takes a lot of courage and humility to admit your faults. There was a shift in forgiveness for the last of the holdouts.

That's really great.

Originally Posted By: LITB
For you right now, there is a ton of work to do before you get to that stage. Why worry about tomorrow, when there is enough to worry about today? What have you been doing with your time?

Ton of work? I feel like there is nothing to do but sit and wait. I mean, the best thing I've done is try to work out and gain weight, but it's so hard to want to workout and especially hard to want to eat when she does things that are very disheartening for me, like sending me a separation agreement last weekend, which is a request to basically split up all the property and be able to date and have sex with who she wants. Yesterday, I noticed that she deleted our wedding pictures from her Facebook page, and she pruned other mostly random pictures off of her page. I know at least one was a picture with me in it (aside from wedding pictures).

The last contact I had with her was Monday of last week. She asked me something about her bills. The day before that, she visited, and all was very cordial. I spend a whole lot of time wondering whether I'm making the right choice by not contacting her. Does not pursuing mean not contacting her at all? I'm probably going to call the DB counselors because I'm so afraid I'm dealing with a woman who isn't going to respond well to no contact. The problem is that if she is indeed seeing someone, which seems highly likely, given everything I've seen so far, and how quickly and steadily she has moved through this process, there seems to be nothing I can do but wait to see whether she ever contacts me with any sort of desire to come back. All I seem to be able to do is to try to work on me. One of her biggest complaints was that I didn't want to go out much and socialize much. I was friendly with a lot of people, but didn't have friends that I hung out with regularly. She was my friend (other than my family). She was my best friend. This is all so crazy, because she and I were so tight. This makes no sense.

To conclude with what I have been doing with my time: I've been working out and trying to gain weight. I've at least returned to my pre-BD weight, but I want to gain more than that, but lately I have had issues doing that. Other than that, I spend a lot of time talking with family, and some time talking with co-workers to help me vent and feel better. I'm trying to make friends that I actually have something to do with outside of work. I made one friend who has been divorced for 3 months or so, but he doesn't seem as interested now in hanging out. I suppose it's because talking about what I'm going through might be a downer for him and remind him of what he just went through over the last year. I really probably haven't been doing as much as I should with my time, but it's hard to GAL when you are starting out with no friends. W complained that I didn't have friends, and left me with none. She was my friend, and I was happy with that. So, it's kind of hard to GAL with that as a starting point.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
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WshIKnw,

I am not one to serve up 2x4s, but you need one about now. Sit and wait? If you take that approach, you can chalk it up as over. Hmmm...inactive or proactive. I'll take proactive all day.

You are so focused on your W, that you can't see the forest for the trees. If all you talk about is your sitch, people will not want to be around the negativity all day long. It gets old. Additionally if things shift with your W, all this talking to other people does not help you reconcile. Especially with your family.

You want to get to your happy place INDEPENDENT of your W. Your happiness is YOUR responsibility. Happy and confident people are attractive. Do things that make you happy. Get out of your comfort zone and experience what life has to offer.

Please describe to me what an attractive person looks like. Traits and such. After you do that exercise. You bust your behind to become that person.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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