A brief summary of where we left off: WW asked me to meet her at her counselor on Thursday because she is "willing to". I am going to meet her, but the reality of how this meeting will go is probably a little different than what she is anticipating. She is still under the impression that I am pining away for her I believe.
I agree w/ you 100% that it would be fruitless to go fwd w/ MC if she's actively engaged in an affair.
But, I would also make it clear to her that while you do not condone the affair, that you own up to your shortcomings in the marriage, and that you are working on becoming a better partner.
I just don't want you to go in there guns blazing like it was all her fault. The affair is her fault. But the failure of the marriage -- that's on both of you.
My two cents.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Completely agree with the failure of the marriage. I would never dream of putting that all on her. Actually, the failure of the marriage itself I am more than willing to accept at least 90% of. However, the failure of the marriage didn't put us where we are now. There was no chance for me to make it right, there was no counseling, there was no heart to heart...only her stepping out with another person. I have come to terms with my faults in the marriage. Regardless I didn't drive her to do what she has done/is doing. Affairs aren't about unmet needs as most people like to passify it. Affairs are about entitlement. Lack of self discipline, lack of will power, and pure raw entitlement lead people to affairs....not bad relationships. I will most certainly not go in "guns blazing". My intent moving forward is not to attack her by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I am willing to completely let her go at this point with ZERO punishment. My intent is to clearly state what I NEED to be able to CONSIDER moving forward with her.
I think affairs are probably a mixture of both - unmet needs, building resentment, feelings of entitlement and then acting on opportunity...
For the MC - does it need to be as simple as you do all this or I file? Perhaps it can just be - I'm willing to invest in this, but there are some 'bottom line' things for me...and if those aren't in place - don't participate. However, separately to file or not file is your choice.
I understand on the transparency, but if you are living apart how can you reasonably know what she may be doing? If she wanted to continue having contact, she would find a way. I'm not sure that insisting on all of this stuff right now is the way to go. You may need to settle for a genuine desire to participate in counselling, an undertaking to be NC with OM - and if anything changes at her end? Well, you pull out...
Also, in most M's, no one person is normally 90% responsible...I think it is normally more like 50/50 - maybe up to 70/30 who knows. But I'm guessing it may be more shared than you are seeing.
Good luck anyway :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think affairs are probably a mixture of both - unmet needs, building resentment, feelings of entitlement and then acting on opportunity...
For the MC - does it need to be as simple as you do all this or I file? Perhaps it can just be - I'm willing to invest in this, but there are some 'bottom line' things for me...and if those aren't in place - don't participate. However, separately to file or not file is your choice.
I understand on the transparency, but if you are living apart how can you reasonably know what she may be doing? If she wanted to continue having contact, she would find a way. I'm not sure that insisting on all of this stuff right now is the way to go. You may need to settle for a genuine desire to participate in counselling, an undertaking to be NC with OM - and if anything changes at her end? Well, you pull out...
Also, in most M's, no one person is normally 90% responsible...I think it is normally more like 50/50 - maybe up to 70/30 who knows. But I'm guessing it may be more shared than you are seeing.
Good luck anyway :-)
We will have to agree to disagree with our viewpoints on causes of affairs. For the rest of your statements, I will take them into consideration. Thanks.
WW texted me yesterday with a very interesting question: She texted me with the exact time of the appointment and I responded "Ok, thanks for the information. I will be there." She responded with "I know you will be there, but I want to know if you WANT to be there." I honestly didn't have an answer for this. It was the first time that a question like this has been asked of me that my answer wasn't an immediate "Yes!" So, I just didn't respond. Told her thanks again and to have a good night. Tomorrow at 8am is going to be a very interesting time.........
I understand you have mixed feelings about the counseling, but everything you wrote here tells me that overall you DO want to be there. You want to communicate to your W that you are willing to work on the marriage if she stops her affair, and you want to find out where she stands on that. That sounds to me like you want to be there, at least one time, if not more.
I would have replied, "Yes, I want to be there."
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Well, the session went pretty terribly. By the endo of it, she said she hates me and that she now remembers why whe left. I will admit that I was more abrasive than I really needed to be in the situation, but I believe it was just a coping mechanism. She told the counselor and myself that she had no contact with the AP since Sunday which may have been true up until yesterday. However, I know that last night around 7PM this was no longer the case. She was supposed to text me to let me know if she has ANY (even professional) contact with him, and she has yet to do so. Our next session is next Thursday and while my intent is to be much more open minded and non abrasive, I am very curious to see if she divulges this little indiscretion (contacting OM) to myself or the counselor before or during the session. If not, I believe this is a pretty good indication of how things are going to go.....which is clearly NOT GOOD! It [censored] because I definitely felt bad for the way I handled the interaction after leaving the session yesterday, and texted her to let her know that I will work on being more open minded the next session and to try not to let hate control her. Then I find out she texts OM...so now my mind is all over the place again. THIS IS WHY I WAS SOOOOO HESITANT TO DO THIS AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!
I sense that you are still feeling combative, attached, and, ultimately, controlling.
Yes, your W seeing an AP is wrong, and you should not tolerate it. But there is a difference between setting down a boundary, and trying to assert control and emitting hostility.
I of course understand why there would be anger, hostility and resentment. Hurts like hell.
But in terms of what's going to work for you ... I think you have to totally set aside hostility and a desire to MAKE your wife do anything. Let her know what your boundary is, and then step back, waaaaaaay back, and let her choose to do what she wants to do.
You could see the therapy sessions as half empty, but I see it as half-full. It's a gift, man, and gift that 95% of here do not get.
Use it wisely.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
