i know that my wife goes to the OM for comfort and to talk about me. If I give her absolutely nothing negative to talk about or to vent about, their relationship is much less intense. Then they'll have to talk about other things, which could open up to their own relationship issues.
How do you know this? I mean, how do you know they talk about you when they are together?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I ask because I wouldn't put my eggs in that basket. It doesn't really matter if they talk about you or not - and it'll end on its own time frame unless its really blown up for some reason or they just get tired of seeing each other...are you prepared to do that? However, that's a small pebble in a big pond.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
This actually gave me a major boost, that something in my mad ramblings actually helped someone.
You're totally spot on about not giving WS and AP material. And also spot on about how hard it is. I've been having nothing else but polite conversation with WH but he's been trying to push it and yesterday he succeeded in making me mad and I SOOO regret it. Because I know he walked off thinking to himself, yeah well, I was so right to leave her, OW is way better etc, and then he goes back to OW and tells he what a bitch I've been which only makes her feel better and safer with him. I know they talk about me because when I was snooping in the mad bad days I saw messages on his phone.
I've seen how powerful having a mutual enemy can be. It's like a hobby with strong emotions attached. WH has a cousin whose marriage is more or less built on mutual hatred of their exes. I kid you not. They met each other soon after acrimonious break ups and bonded so strongly over their ex partners it was a big factor in their feeling close to each other.
Yesterday I went out to dinner with girlfriends and got home a bit tipsy hoping WH would just leave immediately, but he started to tell me about a leak in the ceiling he's noticed and how he's organised a plumber to come today and how he's going to be at the house in the afternoon to let him in etc is that ok. I was thrown by this and am unhappy with him being in the house - it doesn't feel right.
I was trying to make myself a drink, when my favourite mug broke, at the same time that WH told me that his parents noticed it when they were here, last week. This, for some reason, made me really mad - why did the in-laws tell him about it and not me? In effect, this is now my house. So I got really short with him and grumpy and he literally was "Sheesh! I'm just trying to do a good thing, what's wrong with you?" I tried to explain it away by telling him about my mug and how it annoyed me that his parents chose not to say anything to me, and he pointed out rightly that neither thing has nothing to do with him. And then left in a huff. I kicked myself all the way up to bed. That was not saintly, fragrant behaviour. Sigh.
It also made me inexplicably angry that he's trying to do the 'right' thing now over a stupid bathroom but won't do the right thing for his family. That enraged me for a good ten minutes.
This morning I tried to claw back some of the saintly facade. I sent him a message trying to validate him - saying thanks for organising the plumber, and sorry I was short. No response. Am just going to leave it now.
We're supposed to talk tonight about the divorce settlement. Am totally freaking out about it. It will be the first conversation I will have with him that's not in passing. Help!
Time to revisit your 180s. Your WH is expecting a mean, cold, critical and ARGUMENTATIVE person. You are going to knock him off his balance by NOT showing him what he expects. Be busy, busy, busy and keep your conversations short and light. Is this hard? It will be the hardest thing you've ever done. (This is coming from someone who pushed two babies out with nothing on board, that was easy compared to this marathon) Keep yourself looking hawt and cheery. Men love a woman's smile, they love to hear a warm belly laugh. What they don't like is an angry and hard woman. Are you angry? Heck yes! Do you deserve to be angry? Absolutely! But you need to become the commodity that he wants to fight for.
So what is your tactical plan? How do start looking soft, warm, joyful and confident TODAY? You be the prize. Make the OW look like the tarnished, used piece of trash she is. You become classy, sassy and beautiful. You can do this, truly.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
PsySara! You were the other person I was praying would come along.
I am going to print out your and Blu's posts and am going to keep them with me and read them everytime I'm about to see WH. Thank you for the wise words.
WH just texted to say he can't talk tonight after all, but wants to talk tomorrow night. In my determination to GAL I made dinner plans and I do not intend to cancel them. The old me would have just done whatever he asked me to do. Am trying to assert my independence.
How do you know this? I mean, how do you know they talk about you when they are together?
In our therapy session last friday, she said she turns to him for comfort. And prior to 2/1/17 before i knew aboyt DBing and LRT, i was snooping and talking to the OM's wife.
Am i prepared for it not ending? Im getting there. I recognize im moving through grief that ive lost a loved one.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Keep up with the 180. Put on that happy game face whenever you are around him or talk to him. And always look your best. Im about to see my wife for a kid swap, so im doing that right now.
Good luck!
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
In our therapy session last friday, she said she turns to him for comfort. And prior to 2/1/17 before i knew aboyt DBing and LRT, i was snooping and talking to the OM's wife.
Am i prepared for it not ending? Im getting there. I recognize im moving through grief that ive lost a loved one
So, she is still involved with him after you found out and talked to his wife? Man, that is messed up. I think your answer is right there. Not to be a wet blanket, but it is right there.
One of the most unfortunate things is that the grief never really ends...in some form, it will always be with us. Even after all my ex has done and said and given me reason to hate her time and again, the grief is still there. Sigh.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
