First time here

[Bdog37]

V-Day was a tough one for me, but glad to hear you have a strong support system of friends and family to see you through it. In regards to hobbies there were many things that I used to love to do until my world was turned upside down. I found myself trying to go back and do those things again, but my mind just wasn't there. I stopped loving those things and in time I thought I had lost who I was. I can tell you that it does get easier. Min by min, hour by hour, day by day it will get easier and you will find yourself doing things you never imagined yourself doing. Start by reaching out to a friend or family member and see if they would want to go out. Baby steps....

[lt0402]

Leahsue, you're overthinking it. Just get out and do something tomorrow. Go for a hike, or to a movie, or for a run. You're stuck right now. The only way to get unstuck is to decide you're done with that. I've found that jumping head first into something helps me, but even just starting with a small activity tomorrow, and another Sunday, and letting it snowball from there would build up some momentum for you and get you unstuck.

What are you doing to fill your time right now? I'd bet it's not enjoyable, right? The reason your situation is grinding on you right now is bc you're allowing it too much time in your brain. Doing things you enjoy, trying something outside of your comfort zone, etc all force your thoughts away from this stuff, at least for a little bit. Your mind needs a break from the battle that's been waging in there. You will feel a lot better if you can get back to a balance.

The exercise has been my godsend. The frustration, pain, anger all seem to roll off when I'm active. Add to that that it's easier to sleep and stay asleep when you're physically exhausted and it's probably the best medicine for this, at least initially. As you advance through this and get greater understanding of yourself, that'll help as well.

Hang in there, but know that you have a choice in how you react to this. You can choose to start the healing by GAL, seeing friends, exercising, etc. You can choose to be strong and push forward. I know how hard this part is. Been there and it's awful. Figure out what your goals are this weekend and make the choice to start working towards them. We are here to support and help so lay some of it on us. You will get through this, but make that first choice to stand up and push through this thing.

[leahsue]

It0402,
YOU STRUCK A NERVE IN ME! A GOOD ONE!!!!! Thank you for your straight-forwardness and seeing me stuck in a lazy pity party. You are so right. I am the only one who can choose the way I react to this, and about the only thing I still have any control over. I am up and at 'em today! I've already gone and bought bedding plants and feel better already. I'm painting an old piece of furniture today and brightening up my house with it. I'm going to a girlfriend's house for overnight to watch a TV marathon of a PBS series that we love and haven't seen yet, then on to a wedding shower tomorrow where I'll see some great friends and reconnect. Spending Sunday night with my son, which always is fun- he is so compassionate with my situation, and can always get a laugh out of me. Then he and his partner are coming back home with me Monday for a few days. So THERE! I feel better already. My biggest hang-up is exercise. That's going to be what I focus my mind on this next week, and just do it.
Thanks, again. I know this will help ME, not my sitch, and that's all I need right now.

[lt0402]

LS, hope you had an amazing day today!!!

[Dawgs]

My biggest hang-up is exercise. That's going to be what I focus my mind on this next week, and just do it.

You'll find that exercise is THE single most effective anti-depressant there is...and much better for you than any medication ever could be.

[Sotto]

You're getting some good advice already, and I agree about exercise. It does help

For me, I get to the gym each week but I also do some more 'social' exercise - yoga and salsa classes. I also found swimming and walking helpful...whatever works for you. It's great, because it is something you can do for yourself.

I would encourage you to keep the focus on you, and on you moving forward and healing from this horrible shock. Almost 3 years out and I promise you this is the way to go - however things unfold WRT your H.

Also, his age makes him a possible candidate for mid life crisis and you may want to read around that subject a little to see if anything you read, rings true. I post on the MLC area of this forum. Sadly, my XH decided to stay with OW and he filed for D and saw that to conclusion. But I have to say, from my DBing efforts to save myself and try to save the marriage, I feel a lot of peace and contentment with my life in a way I wouldn't have though possible 2+ years ago.

But it isn't easy. I saw a friend the other day and she said she had been speaking to someone about how well I had 'bounced' back. I said to her, I don't think bounce is the right word to use. It suggests ease and perhaps 'claw' would better describe it.

Looking back, do you see any emotional patterns, or anything from when your R formed, that may have been a red flag at the time? I can see now that I chose not to acknowledge some important things - ie: XH dating a year out from separation but not yet divorced etc..

Keep posting and doing for yourself and try to let your H be. He will decide what he will decide in his own timeframe and the best you can do there is not worsen things. But for yourself - do all that you can to move forward and heal.

Xx

[Dawgs]

Looking back, do you see any emotional patterns, or anything from when your R formed, that may have been a red flag at the time?

This is interesting because as I look back from when the ex and I dated through the marriage, all sorts of red flags pop up - but they are related to her particular situation.

[leahsue]

Yes, looking back I can see red flags. If I'm honest, there were red flags that I saw at the time, but I was so in love, I chose to ignore them and hope they never surfaced. I guess they caught up.
I was driving yesterday and some song came on that triggered me emotionally- then just out of the blue this thought came to me: what's going on with H may not even be totally about me or our relationship- I'm not saying that gives me any hope for our R- I'm just saying that for the first time, it occurs to me that he may have gone through whatever "this" is, with our without me in his life. The more I read about MLC and depression, the more I think he may be dealing with both. I was deleting some of my old voice mails, and there was one from him on the night of Dec. 18, which I think was a couple of days before his one night stand. I had never listened to the voice mail, so I did, and what struck me was how sad and depressed he sounded, almost like he was resigned to some bad days ahead. It made me remember how most of the phone conversations I was having with him that week and the few weeks before had all sounded like that. At the time, I took it personally, to mean that he was either mad at me or didn't want to be talking to me. Now in hindsight, he just sounds sad. I think maybe I have made myself out to be way more important in this horrible situation than I actually was- which in a way is freeing to me. Maybe this is just him screwed up, and our R a sad by-product of his issues right now. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I would love to hear your thoughts.

[Dawgs]

If I'm honest, there were red flags that I saw at the time, but I was so in love, I chose to ignore them and hope they never surfaced. I guess they caught up.

I think we all have that. And they always catch up. Always.

read about MLC and depression, the more I think he may be dealing with both.

While you may be correct on both, don't put too much stock in it. They are fully aware of what they are doing. Fully.

It made me remember how most of the phone conversations I was having with him that week and the few weeks before had all sounded like that. At the time, I took it personally, to mean that he was either mad at me or didn't want to be talking to me. Now in hindsight, he just sounds sad. I think maybe I have made myself out to be way more important in this horrible situation than I actually was- which in a way is freeing to me. Maybe this is just him screwed up, and our R a sad by-product of his issues right now. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I would love to hear your thoughts.

I can relate to the sad by-product part, as you are probably aware of my ex's situation. One thing you have to realize - unless you were a horrible person, then this isn't your fault...its all his, he wanted this and he did the things he did under his own volition. But, yeah, it can very well be a product of his own issues and most likely is that - I've seen the destruction first hand what issues can do to both a person and a marriage. Ugh.

[leahsue]

I haven't checked in for a while, but I just tried to read and get caught up with the other regulars on this thread. There is so much comfort to be found here, just in knowing you're not alone.
I've had a couple of phone conversations with H, but nothing on a personal level. I've tried to stay dark unless it's a bill that's due, etc. He called yesterday just about life details, and it was all I could do not to ask for some kind of idea of where his head is- and if he plans to file for D (but I DIDN'T!!) He texted last night about another insurance bill that he had tried to correct on my behalf, so I thanked him but said I will handle it tomorrow. I then told him I may need him to get involved in a situation with a store over a problem oven, but that I hoped I had it handled on my own. He texted back "you go girl." I'm doing better with my GAL, and going to counseling every week. The not knowing what this will look like a year from now is the hardest part for me. But this much I DO know now, that I did not come to this thread with, is that I am going to be OK, with him or without him. And I have you guys to thank for that. Keep doing the good work & helping all of us on this hard road.