Newbie, need help with WAW!

[MoveFrwd]

There's no point in this

No point in what, exactly?

[180Man]

Trying to save my marriage and stop the divorce...it feels inevitable. She is a strong and stubborn woman and once she gets an idea set in her head it's nearly impossible to reverse.

[Cadet]

There's no point in this, she's obviously set on going ahead with dismantling our life one step at a time. I haven't even seen her in four or five weeks.

YUP - she is following the script and so are you.
The tendency is to destroy everything first,
so really no great surprise.

My suggestion is to Trust the Process - follow what we
are telling you in DB, Detach, GAL, keep working on yourself.

[MoveFrwd]

Trying to save my marriage and stop the divorce...it feels inevitable. She is a strong and stubborn woman and once she gets an idea set in her head it's nearly impossible to reverse.

Maybe your focus is in the wrong place then.

What would be different if you were divorced right now? How would your daily life actually change?

My guess is not very much.

So instead of focusing on trying to stop something that has essentially already happened, focus on your improvements and 180s and how to slowly rebuild yourself to becoming happy and healthy with or without your W.

[Bdog37]

So instead of focusing on trying to stop something that has essentially already happened, focus on your improvements and 180s and how to slowly rebuild yourself to becoming happy and healthy with or without your W

This is truly the only thing you can do.

[180Man]

This morning I read Sandi's Reflections:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323#Post2653323

I shared it with two of my close male friends. We were all totally on the same page with Sandi as it feels like my wife fits what Sandi describes there. In my first post here I did not understand there was a different between a WAW and a WW. I get it now.

My two close friends and I talked at length about this today. Even before I found Sandi's Reflections one of my friends was telling me it's time to "stop being a bitch, be the man she fell in love with and wants you to be." A crude way to put it, perhaps, but I get what he's saying. And after reading what Sandi wrote, it reinforced it all that much more.

Then tonight I had a DB session, explained to her that I wanted to take a different approach because I feel I have been very understanding and tried to validate and take ownership in counseling...and it got me here where she's asking for a divorce. So I explained to her that I think I want to take a different approach.

We are supposed to sit down for coffee either next week or the week after and I really need to figure out how I'm going to approach it. Now I'm very confused between the two options of validate vs walking in strong and telling her we have something special that I'm not going to give up without a fight.

Really wish I could talk to Sandi on the phone, haha! No...seriously!

It's possible we may have coffee as early as Monday and I'm really worried I won't choose the correct path.

[180Man]

I wish I could edit posts. I read what I wrote just now and felt it needs more clarification. There's two options I've been presented with today and I'm now very confused as to which I should take.

There's Sandi's recommendation of being Strong as she discusses in that thread I linked above.

And then there's DB's recommendation of valdation and empathy.

I feel I really tried the validation and empathy when we were in counseling last month and the month before. Maybe I didn't do it very well? Maybe I would do a better job at it now having not seen her for a month since she asked for a divorce.

I don't know.

But I'm pretty sure I can't try both of these options in one sitting. I'm not sure how that would work.

So...here I sit...confused. Pondering. I will sleep on it and hope maybe Sandi has time to read my story and give her feedback. And of course others as well! I appreciate all the help thus far.

[180Man]

Ok ok, one more quick update. I found our copy of "The 5 Love Languages" from a few years ago. My wife wrote notes in the book! Little breadcrumbs for me to find during this time of hell.

Page 16 says "Complete the following: 'There would be fewer divorces if only people______"

and my wife wrote:

"-Communicated better
-Accepted their spouse's personality, looks, needs, and (some) behaviors & didn't try to change them
-Were happy people as being individuals as they are being a couple
-Could learn to give each other space"


Ok....so...time for sleep, but I am excited to think about what she wrote with respect to the questions above I've put out there to Sandi.

[Woke_Up]

There's no point in walking in and telling her anything. Strong words without strong actions are meaningless. Strong actions don't need words.

What good will telling her this do? I think it's good that you found her notes. Think on those.

Strong actions are difficult. I struggle with this. But you can carry on giving her space. Let her work through this. I think the bit that we, as the LBS, item struggle with is 'believe nothing of what they say'.

Yesterday, my W's messages would indicate she wanted it over and was now ready to sell the house.

When I got home I pretty much left her alone and the subject never came up.
It's hard when you feel you're dying inside, but you just have to keep doing what's best for you.

As Cadet says, they are following the script. It's hard when you know this not to tell them, not to want to scream in their faces "you're in the fog, you're doing exactly what all women in your position do, why can't you see?" What good would it do? They won't believe us. Each believes their sitch is unique. I think we need to work on us not following the LBS script.

[MoveFrwd]

Then tonight I had a DB session, explained to her that I wanted to take a different approach because I feel I have been very understanding and tried to validate and take ownership in counseling...and it got me here where she's asking for a divorce.

Im having some trouble reconciling what you are trying to say/do. You say theres two different approaches, but, to me, they arent really mutually exclusive.

I think YES you should be validating and empathetic. This does not mean you have to agree with everything she says. This does not mean you need to solve her problems. This means you should listen to her, understand her, accept that her feelings are valid, and communicate that.

I also think that YES, you should be strong and confident. You dont need to be the man she fell in love with, you should be better than that. Youre armed with so much more knowledge now!

What was your DB coach's recommendation?