see her how will she she that i have become the man she wants to choose
No. This isn't a competition. She shouldn't have to choose you.
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Also, should I be dating? I have opportunities to do so now. If so, should I tell her or "let her find out"?
Not while you are still married - in no way should you do that. No way.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Yes, I LOVE her so much. We have spent almost everyday together for 16 years and she is my best friend. We complete each others sentences. Yes, I LOVE Her.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
one more thing...when all of this first went down, I cut her access to the bank account and debit card. She has her own business account that she always uses for typical spending expenses. She now wants me to get her back on the account and her have full access to everything. While I agree she is legally entitled to it, should I do this or would it make me look weak? We are scheduled to meet at 12:00 today.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Yes, I LOVE her so much. We have spent almost everyday together for 16 years and she is my best friend. We complete each others sentences. Yes, I LOVE Her.
Then slow down a bit with this...
This didn't begin overnight, and it won't end overnight...
You are going to have to learn patience, and then when you are out of patience, you are going to have to reach deep within...
To find more patience...
Stop talking so much also...
You are never going to talk your way out of something that you acted your way into....
Mach 1 - wow, that is a great analogy...thank you.
"You are never going to talk your way out of something that you acted your way into...."
So this could take weeks, months, years, never. The silver lining in all of this is that she is a good person at heart and very forgiving (read my first post). But your right...starting right now complete 180's!!! No other choice at this point. what i have been doing has not worked and actually made things worse.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
one more thing...when all of this first went down, I cut her access to the bank account and debit card. She has her own business account that she always uses for typical spending expenses. She now wants me to get her back on the account and her have full access to everything. While I agree she is legally entitled to it, should I do this or would it make me look weak? We are scheduled to meet at 12:00 today.
What you are doing is controlling. IF she has a right to it, she has a right to it. Does she have her own money in there? If not, then, why not set up separate bank accounts? If yes, then she has the right to access it.
Does she work? What is the financial arrangement between the both of you. With my WW, she is a SAHM, but I employ her through my business as an admin, so she gets a wage and is a 25% shareholder. I have not given her any financial penalties.
I have struggled with control vs boundaries (i.e. cutting off her internet access to contact OM as it is an online EA rather than a PA) but I have stopped doing this.
At this stage, the WW is an addict to the affair. Attempting control only pushes them further away. I have first hand experience of this.
Another question - can your W financially harm you if she has access to the joint account. I mean seriously harm you, clean you out or suchlike?
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
We have spent almost everyday together for 16 years and she is my best friend. We complete each others sentences
You did. But now its not. Can it be again? Maybe. Maybe not. She didn't come to this decision overnight, nor will it be fixed any time soon...if it is fixed at all.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I think you are right. If I had to rate how things are going right now I would give it a zero. I guess the only way from here is up right. I keep reading on working on myself and getting ME right, which i am already doing. Eating healthy, exercise, spiritually, etc... but if I dont talk or see her how will she she that i have become the man she wants to choose? Or is this even the point? I need to work on me, for me, right?
As I said before, you will be forever linked by your child. Not to mention the 16 year relationship you had. I look at it like this. You cant really see grass grow or paint dry in real time. So you cant really 'show' her your changes day by day. But what if you go on vacation for a month - when you get back, what does the grass look like?
Originally Posted By: sellout
The thing she really struggles with is selling the house (its the place where all of our sons friends congregate), a home we have built together. Also she is not ok with us living in 2 separate apartments with our son going back and forth between.
So whats the plan then? I cant imagine you are going to live together after your divorce. And I imagine you arent going to give her 100% custody, right? So, sounds like this is what will happen. I dont see her not liking it as a bad thing.
Originally Posted By: sellout
Also, should I be dating? I have opportunities to do so now. If so, should I tell her or "let her find out"? Does creating jealousy help?
It isnt about the timing of being divorced. Why on earth would you be dating? You just said you LOVE your wife. For me, I didnt start dating until I could look in the mirror and honestly tell myself that my ex would have to get in line behind my new partner (whoever it was going to be) in case a proposal for reconciling was on the table; that I wouldnt sacrifice any new relationship for the old one.
I guess the only way from here is up right. I keep reading on working on myself and getting ME right, which i am already doing. Eating healthy, exercise, spiritually, etc... but if I dont talk or see her how will she she that i have become the man she wants to choose? Or is this even the point?
By NOT talking with her, you ARE showing her that you have changed..
Originally Posted By: sellout
I need to work on me, for me, right?
That is typically the plan...
Who will benefit the most from you working on yourself ???
Originally Posted By: sellout
So day 1 i guess on the new me and total 180's. Again, by nature I am impatient but that is something i need to work on.
Dude....right now...
Every time you talk with her, you are providing her with the same vision of you that she is scrambling to get away from...
Every time that you beg, plead, argue with her, all you are doing is validating her reasons for wanting to end this marriage...
Right now, what she feels is what SHE feels, and by arguing with her, begging, pleading...
All that you are doing is telling her that her feelings are wrong...
And when you tell a person that their feelings are wrong, you are trying to "fix" them, like they are broken or something...
And while the things that she may be saying may not be true, they are very true to her....the only person's opinion that matters to her right now...
Originally Posted By: sellout
I think that if i dont see some type of sign or improvement between now and the divorce hearing (3.5 weeks) then I will go through with it.
That certainly is your choice....
However....
sellout New Member
Registered: 02/13/17 Posts: 11
Really ??
You have let her carry this relationship on her back for how many years now ???
