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job #2730808 02/20/17 07:40 AM
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Hi Bttrfly - thanks so much for the very thoughtful post. Quick answer: I saw both an IC and tried a DB counselor. This is just such a long slog though, and great as my IC was she did not really understand MLC. I could tell she was slowly building a cut and run strategy for me. Heck, it may come to that and I knew it then, but I did not want to start that way. I have found the best way to get the stress out, for me, is to exercise and to post here where people believe this thing is real. And that does help. You guys are my lighthouse, too!


Roist - yes, thank goodness for him! He has been my hiking companion through very stressful times, too. H seems to lean on him as well. The dog must be confused: how comes these two never walk me together?!?

Gordie - trust me, you too have strength you never knew even existed.

Brubeck - Job is right. I did withdraw; a lot. This is awful, but I was convinced I hated my h. I had such anger towards him.

Now, in retrospect, I realize I was projecting that anger onto him. My sister's son was born with a very rare genetic disorder. For years, unbeknownst to me, I was processing that anger as I grieved the life he and she/her husband should have had.

I had no idea I was depressed or that I'd changed so much; I put it all on my h because I couldn't face truly dealing with what happened to my nephew. My anger towards h kept me safe in denial and delayed me from facing the gravity of what happened to my sister's life and the life of this little boy.

I started to wake up when my sister and nephew came to visit. I picked them up at the airport and I could no longer deny that this wasn't going to go away. Prior to this, I had seen my nephew weekly via Skype but somehow I was still able to live in denial until I saw him in person.

Depression is a bizarre, bizarre thing. I did a lot of the weird things my h has done. But I had no replay (thank goodness as that is awfully embarrassing; so thankful I wasn't running around playing cougar and wearing hooker clothes.) And unlike my h's d, mine had nothing to do with aging/death nor childhood issues. I mourned the death of a living child; which is a tough one.

Just a quick update. H went out before dinner on Saturday. He returned just after the boys and I ate dinner. Don't worry Job, I knew not to wait. Of course he has a bazillion allergies so every night I have to tweak his meal.

I was so angry he just didn't post after I made him a separate meal due to allergies. Who does he think he is? A Saudi Prince? I thought about tossing his meal in the garbage. In the end, I poured this sauce on it that he doesn't like; says it hurts his stomach. But the kids love it so they could eat it tomorrow.

He came home as I was cleaning up. I said hi but I was mad. I went upstairs and heard him foraging for food. I knew he couldn't find "his dinner."

A few hours later I went down and the dish with the sauce was empty! I asked s13 who ate it and he said h. Argh.

The next day h was super nice. He was very chatty. He went out for a short bit in the AM. I made the kids breakfast. H came in as we were about to walk the dog. He asked where we were going. I told him and said I assumed he did not want to come as he's only just returned. But he crashed with us. And he was Mr. Chatterbox.

In the walk he asked us to eat out that night. We did. He looked awful; grey skin and all. He brought up more childhood issues; none of them new.

He asked if we all wanted to go away for a few days in the summer. The boys answered and I listened. I didn't really answer. There was so much commotion with the boys talking that I hoped I could slip from committing. That is months off yet and right now, my heart isn't in it.

But he categorically asked if I was coming and I said yes; the boys' eyes on me.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2730859 02/20/17 12:22 PM
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HaWho,

Dang! I think you missed an opportunity to swat that tennis ball back in H's court by sweetly responding, "Hey, why don't you all have an all boys' adventure together? That'll be real fun for you!" This will accomplish several goals in on fell swoop:

-you have some alone time without the constant cacophony of everyday living with three tweets under one roof
-H will *gasp* just have to parent the boys by all his lonesome self!
-you regain some sanity and equilibrium

Gotta think a bit more quickly on your feet sweetie. You got this!

Wonka #2730863 02/20/17 01:15 PM
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Wonka, great piece of advice !

I was wondering if all MLC H's lose their sense of humor ... Mine has interesting answers when he's in full replay.

HaWho, any idea why today he felt like talking? Is it connected to the meal event?

Hugs!

marye #2730927 02/21/17 06:24 AM
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I think that having gone through depression helps you understand how it can be hard for H. I think that he is doing the best he can. He texts because he does not know how to verbalise in front of you. Some of it may be cowardice but I think a large part of it is not being able to otherwise.

Your depression and consequent behavior surely contributed to the downfall of your H. You did the best you could have but during that time you were not putting any positivity into your M and even more so were adding negativity. I am not saying this to make you feel bad or to blame yourself.

Now the tables are reversed and H is only adding negativity and you are not being treated well. Use your experience to help you support this phase of your life. Empathize with your H. He feels unhappy and does not know how to fix that. You know that feeling. Now none of this excuses his behaviour but hopefully makes it easier for you to support.

I understand your feelings and am sure that during his "normal"episodes, you cannot appreciate them fully because you are overwhelmed by the rest of his shite. You feel it's nice/better but not nearly enough after all the rest. You would be right to think that H being chatty doesn't erase a multitude of bad behavior. But this should not be considered that way. Keeping score will only result in losers.

Appreciate those "normal" interactions more. View them as a pause in the madness, not as something that makes up for the past or something to build on for the future.

For someone who wants out and doesn't love you, he does seem to make a lot of little efforts for you. After each series of crape behaviour he often reaches out. It doesn't matter why he is doing this at this stage but just be aware that he is. The pattern does appear that he does so after you have let him know some behavior is not acceptable. Initially he does not like that but it seems that afterwards he could possibly realise you are not going to take all and any behavior he puts your way. I imagine this is more a subconscious process than him deciding that. Maybe job or someone else who has been around here longer can comment on this.

I also fully understand that holidays together are less appealing and even fill you with dread. I am curious as for why you said yes when you clearly weren't sure. It is okay to say that you will get back to him about it or to say no. I understand with your sons being present you may have felt obliged to do so for them. It is still not too late to go speak to him alone, but as you mentioned it is a few months away and a lot can happen in the meantime. I also liked sottos comment and would be tempted to tell H to plan the trip for him and sons and you will decide later if you would join them.

One last thought I have about your situation. I am fully against D and know it is not a solution, at leas not a good one. I reread your first thread and your recent postings. You were depressed and wanted out. Now H is depressed and wants out and you don't know if you want in. But you are still there. I wonder if deep down you do want in? I doubt dislike of divorce could enable someone endure so much so long. You do not need to reply but it could be worth digging onto. S simple question is to ask "why do I do that" and each reply, you accept the answer and reask the same question for that reply. Ultimately (in theory) wevdisvover our truest purest motivation by doing so.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2731135 02/21/17 10:44 PM
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Wonka - thanks for the advice and yep, I did miss it then. But, there is still time to implement this strategy once we come closer to the date. It's a place that does not require flying so it won't be a biggie for me to peddle out. Let's see if he even follows through on the plan.

Marye - I don't have a definitive answer as to why he grew chatty. I suspect it is the pursuer/distancer dance. I give him a wide berth these days (as he is crazy) but the meal night I was MIA all night. Maybe he sensed it? Or maybe, like Roist, said it was a flash of normalcy.

Roist - thank you so much for all your input and feedback. I said yes to the trip because I was caught off guard and I don't always think quick on my feet. Wonka is right. I need to do better here. It is easy enough to, at least, say I'll think it over and get back to him. But I can do even better by telling them (cheerfully) to make their plans and enjoy them.

Yes, in an ideal world I would want in, but not with this kook. While he has shown a lot of little moments of effort it's hard to tell if this is just part of the pursuer/distancer dance or if it is genuine.

And I like your advice of questioning why I respond the way I do. It's a good question. This is something I'll explore.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2732437 03/01/17 12:29 PM
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Hi HW,

Getting caught up here. I don't have any advice, I don't know how you live with this daily. You are an amazing strong person, I am proud of you. It seems you are moving along on that path towards some answers. Just keep moving and living your life.

A family free vacation might be a nice break for you, let us know what you decide. Take care of yourself.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2732622 03/02/17 11:03 PM
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Mleigh - honestly, these days, I don't see him all that often.

Monday - Friday, I see him for a short bit at dinner. Then, poof, he's back to the dorm room. He is consistently more aware of the boys, though. He once again tracks their comings and goings, delineates times they are to return, etc.

There are still bizarre moments. Here's a great one. Last week s13 had a game right after school and I couldn't make it. H was supposed to pick him up. H texted me giving me the address to the game and asked me for directions. He said something was wrong with his phone.

It reminded me of a teen who hates his mom but suddenly realizes she IS useful because he needs help. So I sent him directions from home.

He then said the directions I sent him were from the house but he wasn't coming from home. So of course, I asked where he was coming from. He didn't seem to be able to give me an exact address. And if he weren't with S11, I would for sure think he was lost at some hidden brothel. (But he was with s11 AND I later learned he was even on the same street as where the game was!)

So I texted back and told him I was so confused. I asked him why he thought I would know where exactly he was? And then I asked him how I was supposed to give him directions without knowing his exact address. (I am still confused and this happened last week.)

By this time I was leaving work and just said I would pick s13 up. The whole scene reminded me of those early replay days where he couldn't find places. Unbelievable he went all the way home (30 minutes away) even though he was on the same street as s13!

When I picked up S13 (who was aware that h was somehow on the same street but then left!) he was mad to be kept waiting. And he asked me (only half kidding) how I even married this person. I didn't say anything in response. But, in my mind I imagined that maybe the priest accidentally forgot to stamp my application for marriage and maybe somehow, due to small tiny technicality, I wasn't actually married. Then s13 woke me up: "hello?!? Are you even listening?"

The other day I was driving and as I rounded a corner, there was the place I stayed at on the 1 year anniversary of BD. And guess what? I had such nice memories of it! As I drove along I realized that although I was so sad on BD day itself, now, I remember the general calm of that place and I associate it with BD.

Special thanks to Ellie and Job who told me to go. And to AJM, who doesn't post often anymore, but gave me great advice. I'll pass it along to those coming behind me. On those painful anniversaries? Take the sting out of those days by recreating positive memories.

This year at BD, it may not be all rosy, but sprinkled with the pain, there will be a memory of me reading and resting by the ocean on a foggy day.

There are moments where he course corrects. This morning h asked s13 if he could bring him to school. It was my day to take him. But son wouldn't be ready for 10 minutes and h said he couldn't wait (even though he could, he just didn't want to do so).

So I zipped it even though it would have helped me out as I go a different direction for work. S13 came in and said it wasn't going to work for h to take him and I said that was fine. I think h heard s13 and he changed his mind and said it was no big deal for him to wait and take him. I thanked him and praised.

One last thing. The other night I filled out some school paperwork for the kids for next year. I was outside h's dorm room and told him I left him some paperwork outside on a table in the hall. H (very curious): "paperwork?!? What kind of paperwork?" And as I walked away without answering he came out immediately to see what it was.

The kids were there but I wanted to ask: what % of you was hoping it was divorce papers?

H said aloud: "ohhhhh, it's school paperwork." I really couldn't tell if he was relieved or disappointed.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2732658 03/03/17 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted By: HaWho


The other day I was driving and as I rounded a corner, there was the place I stayed at on the 1 year anniversary of BD. And guess what? I had such nice memories of it! As I drove along I realized that although I was so sad on BD day itself, now, I remember the general calm of that place and I associate it with BD.

Special thanks to Ellie and Job who told me to go. And to AJM, who doesn't post often anymore, but gave me great advice. I'll pass it along to those coming behind me. On those painful anniversaries? Take the sting out of those days by recreating positive memories.


Wow, great idea! Thanks. You are always inspiring. So strange how confused your H gets with directions. I also find your son's commentary on the situation of interest. I wonder how all of this in-house MLC stuff affects the kids.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2732669 03/03/17 10:44 AM
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A GPS would be a nice present idea for your H. Before dismissing the idea, think about it. An undeserved nice gift would be something new/different. If you do decide to, give it to him in a non confrontational way and don't criticise his sence of directions.

When depressed the brain is easily overwhelmed and just cannot cope with simple daily stuff. Being stressed can have the same effect. It cannot be fin to not be able to find his sons sports ground or other places. It is probably overwhelming.

I know it [censored] for you too. It cannot be easy. I admire you being able to support such incidents without adding negativity and criticism into the mix. Fair dues to you.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2732671 03/03/17 10:55 AM
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Quote:
The other day I was driving and as I rounded a corner, there was the place I stayed at on the 1 year anniversary of BD. And guess what? I had such nice memories of it! As I drove along I realized that although I was so sad on BD day itself, now, I remember the general calm of that place and I associate it with BD.

Special thanks to Ellie and Job who told me to go.


Funny, I still have fond memories too of the hotel where I escaped for a weekend when my ex was in the middle of his crisis. The staff were so sweet to me when I burst into tears at the reception desk and blurted out that my husband was cheating on me. And even though all I did was eat alone in the restaurant and read by the pool, it was such a nice calm time and the start of me rediscovering myself.

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